Vent/I need help nwr, whiny, and long

tlv204 · December 2009

Disclaimer: I haven't been on in weeks, if there are several other posts just like this please just ignore me, I just really wanted to complain. The second part I actually do need help on, btw, so if you want skip to that part.

Vent: I feel like all of my friends are giant assholes. H and I are attempting to have a new years party since we finally have a house, and thought a lot of people would be stoked they wouldnt' have to drive anywhere. We invited lots of people, realizing many would already have plans, and so far 1 person has actually committed to coming. I'm not cleaning my whole house, buying a crapload of champagne, and making appetizers for 3 people. Basically everyone's answer was (in kinder words sometimes), "I'll come if I don't find anything better to do." So I kind of followed up with phone calls today to see if anyone had made up their mind yet. Nope still just the one person, and I found out several of my sorority sisters are going to a piano bar right by my house and didn't invite me, which is even more irritating since I've been trying to get these exact people to go to a piano bar with me for 4 years and they always say it's lame.

Now if any of you are like me, after reading this the first thing you're thinking is, "Well, tlv, clearly they're just not that into you, quit whining about stupid shiit and being petty and have fun with the one person who is coming." I know, I just don't like to admit that maybe they just don't want to hang out with me, because that sucks monkey balls, so I'm going to tell myself they are giant asshats instead.

I need help: My mom and I have an interesting relationship at best. She has several "issues," including but not limited to borderline alcoholism, living in a pile of her own filth, thinking she is an old maid whose life is over, feeling sorry for herself, calling me a bad daughter repeatedly, having no financial stability, and being somewhat dependent on me because of these things.

The question is: How do you get someone to leave your house politely? My mom has recently developed the habit of inviting herself over and staying for like 10 hours, despite my subtly dropping hints that I have other things to do. I can't just never let her over here, she's my mom and would probably freak out. I can't just go to her house because it's a pigsty. I know this is whiny and bratty and it's my mom, but it's really starting to wear on me. I'm thinking she just doesn't want to go back to her house, but I don't know. Any advice? I'm pretty sure she already wants to live with us, and drops hints repeatedly about our next house having a mother-in-law house attached since apparently she can't take care of herself even though she's not even 60 yet.

I've had these conversations with her repeatedly about how her life isn't over and she needs to take care of herself still and help herself to become happier, but I guess I'm just hoping one of you will say something I haven't thought of yet. She has no health insurance, barely has a job, is in huge debt, refuses to see a therapist, and her sisters and friends and I have been trying to help her own her life for years, but nothing is working, and now it's really starting to affect my personal life.

If you read all of that, you get a cookie. Don't worry, it's not a meringue cookie, it's an oreo. Thanks for letting me vent even if no one has any advice.

Stackeye210 · December 2009

That sucks about your friends. Sometimes people are just that self absorbed.

Your mom. Yea, that sucks. Sounds like she is dealing with some emotional things that are bigger then what you can help with. Does she recognize that her house is a pigsty? Maybe show up one day and clean a common room for her so she enjoys sitting in her house again.

julezlee · December 2009

All of that sucks. I'm sorry TLV. Your friends are definitely acting like azzhats.

Whenever your mom says she's coming over can you say "Oh darn we're just on our way out to run errands/meet up with some friends/H is sick and I don't want you catching it/etc.? Not every time but at least 2 out of 3 times so you'll get a bit of a break. If she refuses any sort of therapy or help then I don't know how you'll ever be able to get through to her so you might just need to figure out ways to get space.

crfische · December 2009

Tell your mom when she drops by that you have an appointment or a get together to go to at X time (depending on how much you have going on and how badly you want her to not be there).

I seriously couldn't handle 10 hour unexpected guests.

About your friends, that really sucks. I do find, though, that NYE is a hard holiday for people to commit to plans for. It's so hyped up that I think people feel like they have to do something super awesome, only to realize that the bars FUCKING SUCK on NYE, and games and drinking at a friends house is way cooler.

I just committed yesterday and was invited about 2 weeks ago, but we were invited 3 other places, too, and really didn't want to know if we wanted to do anything. So maybe I'm that asshole, too, but it's not intentional, it's jsut usually what works with what we are planning to do better.

mandapanda78 · December 2009

Wow, your mom and my mom should hang out and feel sorry for themselves together- they sound exactly the same. My mother is all of 61 and she's moving into a retirement community.

My only advice is that you need to set up firm boundaries for her. Yes, she's going to throw temper tantrums and say you're an even worse daughter. Don't let it bother you. If you give her an inch she WILL take a mile. Good luck!

bbyckes · December 2009

I want my cookie.

As to NYE get-together. I think a lot of people wait to the last minute to decide what they're going to do and most likely isn't a slight on you.

Are your sorors single? That could be why you weren't invited and maybe they figured you'd have plans with your DH.

I don't really have any insight into the mom situation, just hugs.

danieliza1127 · December 2009

My mom has recently developed the habit of inviting herself over and staying for like 10 hours, despite my subtly dropping hints that I have other things to do.

I would try NOT being subtle. Just point blank say, "Okay Mom, you're gonna have to go now because I have to xyz. Let's get together again next week okay?" Maybe she just needs you to set boundaries. Hints don't work on everyone and they obviously aren't working on her.

As for your friends, honestly I would probably just cancel the party and go out with H and do something fun. I would not go spend money on food and drinks on the off chance these crappy friends show up or don't find anything better to do.

georgia_bride09 · December 2009

Regarding your vent, I feel your pain and agree that your friends, and particularly your sorority sisters, are all biitches. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to find new friends. The ones you have are sucky.

Regarding your mom issue, I can't really help. I have a sister who is just like that (other than feeling her life is over). She turns 21 in February and is still very dependant on my mom; less so on me because I don't put up with her BS as much as my mom. You can't cut her off and she won't listen to reason, so maybe just try to set certain times when she can visit and always tell her you have to be somewhere at so-and-so time, so you can pack her up and send her on her way. Also, see if asking her to help you with household chores lessens her visits. I imagine it would help.

tlv204 · December 2009

Thanks

Stackeye, I've done that 4 times in the past 3 years

Didn't help at all.

And yeah I understand that about New Years, it's just this particular group of people that are pissing me off. Loads of other people said the same thing and I didn't have a problem with it, but with these 5 girls in particular, I know for a fact that none of them had plans until yesterday. When the Queen Bee decided she wanted to go to a piano bar, and all of them followed suit and bought their tickets within 30 minutes. They weren't trying to decide between parties. Also, if you can't tell, this is not the first incident that has irritated me, I think it's just the straw that broke the camel's back.

And yes I do need to set those boundaries with my mom, I just need practice. I always seem to be too forceful about needing my space and making her cry, or I feel bad and let her stay for 10 hours, I have a hard time being rational around her. Also, she takes everything personally which doesn't help, and also I'm a terrible liar. Like I giggle and sweat terrible.

BecW2be · December 2009

Girl, you need to move to another state. That's all I got.

Seriously, that does suck about your friends. Perhaps they didn't ask you to the piano bar because they knew you'd be busy with the party? You could always meet up with them at the piano bar if your party does indeed end up being just one guest. I'm more inclined to catch the "flu", open up a few bottles of champagne with just DH and spend NYE doing fun and dirty things to each other rather than being depressed that my party was a wash.

Your mom needs boundaries. The next time she invites herself over, tell her she can only stay until Xpm, because you have to go somewhere or be honest and tell her you can't visit all day with her.

When people joke with me about things like MIL houses, where I know they are serious and just trying to hint, I joke right back and give them a hint. "Ha! I'll be sure the tent has a nice zipper for you." or "Don't worry; we'll find a very nice rest home for you, mom." and then laugh. It doesn't help the situation, but if you have to infer from her hints, she can infer from yours in return.

aMrsin09 · December 2009

I don't remember where I heard it but someone used to keep her hat, gloves and purse by the door (apparently this is a very old tale) and if someone dropped by she didn't want to see, before opening the door, she would plop her hat on, grab her gloves and purse and say "she was just on the way out the door".

JK10910 · December 2009

Can you talk to your mom and let her know you have a lot going on and random drop in visits don't work, but you still love spending time with her, so maybe you can set up a weekly "date"? Having concrete standing plans might help minimize the drop ins, not to mention you have a set schedule to stick to. Only downfall is that if for some reason you're not able to keep that plan one week, she might freak.

suedoe · December 2009

I feel your pain. It is a hassle to prpare for just 3 people at a NYE party, but it might be nice to do something really simple. Just your averege cheese and meat plate with some fruit. Deviled eggs are also a good simple choice. Just don't go crazy and too fancy.

As for your mother, she's a big girl and makes all her choices herself. There's really nothing you can do except maybe have an intervention and have a rehab lined up for her to go to.

I'm sorry that your planning is going as you thought. That sucks. Keep your chin up.

That's all I've got.

danieliza1127 · December 2009

I know this is a cop-out, but can you make your H do it (tell her you have xyz to do and she should go)?

tlv204 · December 2009

amrs that's a fantastic idea

I really might have to try that. I know I just need to grow a pair and tell her I have plans, I just feel so guilty knowing she'll go home and wallow in self pity and sleep on her couch watching bad tv.

Dani that's not a bad idea either. I'll have to ask him about that.

Bec- That is looking like my plan now. H actually has to work until 11 tomorrow night, so that is another frustration since I would have to do most of the cleanring and cooking, but there is a very good chance I'll be hammered on champagne by the time he gets home both tonight and tomorrow night.

squirrly · December 2009

TLV, that all sucks. As does you not coming around more often.

For the party - what about having a "pre-party" at your house? Have it early enough that people, including you and your H, can go out after if you want, OR if the crowd is having fun, you could stay home. I've found that works best as a hostess on NYE. That, or take everybody to the ski mountain. We did that last year and it rocked.

As for your mom. . . I'd tell her that you're not comfortable with visitors before X time or after X, and that she always needs to call first. That gives her a clear 4 hour window, or whatever you define. When the time is up, say something like "Mom, it's been great to see you, but I need to grade papers/clean/take a shower/whatever now. I'll see you next week!"

When she talks about a MIL suite, I'd say "You're too young and hip for that. Plus, we just can't afford that - saving for kids college/a vacation home/etc." And then, as ffmaid would have said - bean dip.

lpstl · December 2009

I'm just now realizing I haven't responded to your invitation yet, but it's not because I'm waiting for something better to come along, it's because I'm pregnant and lame, and I'll probably be in bed before midnight =/.

As far as everyone else, well, they just suck.

I have no idea what to tell you about your mom, I still haven't figured out mine so I can't really pretend to have any good advice. I understand what you're going through to some extent though, maybe we could try to get them both on Dr. Phil?

Ginger misses you btw (and leo, but she won't admit it). I think you need to come over soon so you can help put a dent in our neglected liquor and cake ball supply.

tlv204 · December 2009

Hi LP! How is everything going? Bryan actually asked me why I hadn't called you about coming over tomorrow, but I just figured you had bigger things to worry about

We definitely do need to hang out again though before you're all preoccupied with little X.

mandapanda78 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venti-need-nwr-whiny-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c798835a-7456-4e61-8f43-ec7b82e37050Post:d959959e-7bee-4c2a-8422-992b71acd9e4">Re: Vent/I need help nwr, whiny, and long</a>:
[QUOTE] I just feel so guilty knowing she'll go home and wallow in self pity and sleep on her couch watching bad tv.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

<div>Stop that. Right now. You spend time with her, right? You help her out when you can, right? What she does when she goes home is not your fault. This may sound cruel but the truth is that she knows you feel guilty and she is playing you like a banjo. When her problems and lonliness start interfering with <em>your</em> life it's a problem. It's really important to acknowledge that she's probably never going to change, either. And in any case, nothing you do is going to fix her or make her happy. Set boundaries and take care of you and STOP feeling guilty. If you need pep talks or reassurance I'm here. I've been down this road before and it sucks.</div>

danieliza1127 · December 2009

Yeah, I'm with Manda on that one. If you're spending time with her , you have no reason to feel guilty about what her mental health and addiction issues make her do.

tlv204 · December 2009

Thanks manda, that helped

She is the queen of guilt trips, even if they are sometimes subconcious.

lpstl · December 2009

I'm good, I'm just not nearly as bendy anymore and I feel like a weeble wobble

. If you ever want to get a feeling for what this is like without actually commiting to it, go buy a medicine ball, put a cat inside of it, and strap it to your stomach. Good times.

Do you have plans sunday?

tlv204 · December 2009

Actually I do not have plans Sunday. AND Bryan is actually off work, so you might be able to meet my husband instead of thinking I made him up! Wanna do something?

ootmother2 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venti-need-nwr-whiny-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c798835a-7456-4e61-8f43-ec7b82e37050Post:4c1aa32d-2f73-465d-b48f-734204807ecb">Vent/I need help nwr, whiny, and long</a>:
[QUOTE]Disclaimer: I haven't been on in weeks, if there are several other posts just like this please just ignore me, I just really wanted to complain. The second part I actually do need help on, btw, so if you want skip to that part. Vent: I feel like all of my friends are giant assholes. H and I are attempting to have a new years party since we finally have a house, and thought a lot of people would be stoked they wouldnt' have to drive anywhere. We invited lots of people, realizing many would already have plans, and so far 1 person has actually committed to coming. I'm not cleaning my whole house, buying a crapload of champagne, and making appetizers for 3 people. Basically everyone's answer was (in kinder words sometimes), "I'll come if I don't find anything better to do." So I kind of followed up with phone calls today to see if anyone had made up their mind yet. Nope still just the one person, and I found out several of my sorority sisters are going to a piano bar right by my house and didn't invite me, which is even more irritating since I've been trying to get these exact people to go to a piano bar with me for 4 years and they always say it's lame. Now if any of you are like me, after reading this the first thing you're thinking is, "Well, tlv, clearly they're just not that into you, quit whining about stupid shiit and being petty and have fun with the one person who is coming." I know, I just don't like to admit that maybe they just don't want to hang out with me, because that sucks monkey balls, so I'm going to tell myself they are giant asshats instead. I need help: My mom and I have an interesting relationship at best. She has several "issues," including but not limited to borderline alcoholism, living in a pile of her own filth, thinking she is an old maid whose life is over, feeling sorry for herself, calling me a bad daughter repeatedly, having no financial stability, and being somewhat dependent on me because of these things. The question is: How do you get someone to leave your house politely? My mom has recently developed the habit of inviting herself over and staying for like 10 hours, despite my subtly dropping hints that I have other things to do. I can't just never let her over here, she's my mom and would probably freak out. I can't just go to her house because it's a pigsty. I know this is whiny and bratty and it's my mom, but it's really starting to wear on me. I'm thinking she just doesn't want to go back to her house, but I don't know. Any advice? I'm pretty sure she already wants to live with us, and drops hints repeatedly about our next house having a mother-in-law house attached since apparently she can't take care of herself even though she's not even 60 yet. I've had these conversations with her repeatedly about how her life isn't over and she needs to take care of herself still and help herself to become happier, but I guess I'm just hoping one of you will say something I haven't thought of yet. She has no health insurance, barely has a job, is in huge debt, refuses to see a therapist, and her sisters and friends and I have been trying to help her own her life for years, but nothing is working, and now it's really starting to affect my personal life. If you read all of that, you get a cookie. Don't worry, it's not a meringue cookie, it's an oreo. Thanks for letting me vent even if no one has any advice.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry about your mom, can you get her out of the house and doing something? Anything would be a step, even volunteer for a bit until she gets herself together.

Bottom line, you have to let her make her own decisions. I can't imagine just leaving my daughter to cope with myshit

Okay, I love cookies!

tlv204 · December 2009

Actually oot volunteering isn't a bad idea. I've been planning on volunteering for a humane shelter around here for a while, I bet she would like to do it with me. That might help a lot, thanks!

lpstl · December 2009

Ohh, I get to meet Mr tlv! Will he hate me if I call him that? If Pete gets the nursery painted by sunday he'll be free too. It would be cool if the dogs were involved, but it's going to be stupid cold outside, so do you just want to come on over to our place? I can probably get pete to cook something yummy, we got a crockpot for christmas and he's irrationally excited about it.

tlv204 · December 2009

That sounds good to me, let me know what we can bring! Bryan is at work at the moment, but I'll talk to him later and make sure we don't have any plans I forgot about :P And yeah, as good of friends as Ginger and Leo are, it might be best to leave him home for this visit. He's having a play date with 2 other dogs and spazzy BIL on Saturday, so he might need to rest after that

Plus I don't trust him in other people's houses yet.

saschaduran · December 2009

I remember you talking about your mother on here and your mother sounds very similar in many ways to my mother, who I finally had to just move to the other side of the country to get away from. I did go back there on and off for months at a time to take care of her while she got really sick, but I do not regret my decision to move away. 90% of her problems were self inflicted and being around her was a horrible negative influence on me and made my life miserable.

It still breaks my heart every day, but I had to accept that I could not change her, so I had to change myself. You are probably codependent and an enabler to her behavior. There is a book called Codependent No More that I found helpful years ago. It helps you learn to take responsibility for yourself ad know you cannot control or fix other people who choose to live their lives in drama.

She will probably never see a therapist but maybe you can, so you can learn how to deal with the guilt and learn how to set boudaries without feeling so awful about doing it. It may help you a lot.

tlv204 · December 2009

Thanks sascha. I actually did see a therapist several years ago and it helped a lot. Maybe I should again. And thanks for the empathy and book suggestion.

lpstl · December 2009

Sweet! I'll talk to Pete about it when I get home too, just send me a text tonight and let me know if Bryan is on board. Totally your call if you want to bring leo, he's definitely welcome, our house is still a disaster so he can't possible do that much damage.... right?

Pirata13 · December 2009

Yay! I get cookieeeeee!

Sorry about your friends, that stinks. We're all about house parties (going to one in our neighborhood, actually). We'd come, if that makes you feel any better.

And more sorry about your mom. Maybe the volunteering would help, and perhaps open some time for discussion about what she needs to do. Tell her you cannot have her drop by unexpected anymore, that if she doesn't call, she doesn't get let in. (I knew someone who did this, extreme but necessary). And set time limits too. Even if you have to get out and drive to the store so you are "going somewhere"...

Also consider maybe talking to a therapist or a support group like al-anon. What you're dealing with is A LOT and it can really help to have an outside perspective. Plus they may be able to help guide you with things like "Ok mom, if you want to do ______ with me/us, you have to _______" whether it is seeing her doctor, going to therapy or cleaning your house. I think you're handling it beautifully so far because I don't know I would still be sane right now. And if she won't accept your help, that is on her. Energy vampires are not healthy for us, whether they are family or friends. Good lucK!

Vent/I need help nwr, whiny, and long

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