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Moms and Maids
FSIL problems
Alright, so, before I met my fiance, he was liked best-friends with his sister (and he had never dated anyone before). When we started dating, he wanted to spend every waking moment with me and stopped spending as much time with her. I have always encouraged him to make sure that he balances our time together with family time - I'm really close to my family, and family relationships are important. However, he never really made the effort.....and as I got to know his sister - and didn't like her - I was not too keen on spending time with her. I've continuously encouraged him to spend time with her without me (just because I don't like her doesn't mean he shouldn't spend time with his sister) but he doesn't like doing anything without me.
Anyways, a few weeks ago, his sister sent me an email - she is supposed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding, 2 months from now - and said that she does not support my fiance and I getting married and that she thinks her brother is making a mistake. She never explained why she felt this way, so my fiance and I invited her over so that we could talk and figure out where everything was coming from.
She said that she feels like her feelings don't matter to her brother anymore, and she doesn't understand why I am the priority in her brother's life. It sounds like she is looking for him to be her knight in shining armor, to be her protector - like she's looking for the emotional support that comes from a committed relationship - but he can't be that.....he is her brother, not her lover. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never tried to pull him away from his family, but his sister thinks that I am doing that, and that her brother isn't happy. She doesn't like how he has changed since he met me (he used to be everyone's doormat and I have always encouraged him to stand up for himself), and thinks that our marriage is doomed to fail. She said that she only wants to be a part of the wedding to support her brother, not to support us. She said it was my choice whether she stayed as a bridesmaid but she would not back out.
I am mad because I feel like she has put us in such an awkward position. Since that conversation, she has emailed again saying that she cannot support us and that she isn't going to try and get to know me, or try to accept me. She does not want to be a bridesmaid but won't step down. If I tell her that she doesn't need to be a bridesmaid, everyone in my fiance's family will get pissed at me and think that I was malicious and so on.
I'm at my wits end on how to deal with his sister. I want to be civil with her because she is my future-husband's sister, and family is so important to me. But she is making it really hard. Help?!
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Re: FSIL problems
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</div><div>This, however, concerns me:</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fsil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:38c68cdc-363c-47a6-8bb7-6dba5fb8f5a6Post:03fb4878-182c-46bf-ade6-b624ed211c90">FSIL problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, so, before I met my fiance, he was liked best-friends with his sister (and<strong> he had never dated anyone before</strong>). <strong>When we started dating, he wanted to spend every waking moment with me </strong>and stopped spending as much time with her. I have always encouraged him to make sure that he balances our time together with family time - I'm really close to my family, and family relationships are important. However, he never really made the effort.....and as I got to know his sister - and didn't like her - I was not too keen on spending time with her. I've continuously encouraged him to spend time with her without me (just because I don't like her doesn't mean he shouldn't spend time with his sister) but <strong>he doesn't like doing anything without me.</strong>
Posted by greenpianokeys[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This isn't normal. I'm sure there's more to the story, but he sounds clingy and too dependent on you. He should have many more aspects to his life that don't necessarily involve you (hobbies, friends, etc). This may be where her concern stems from. I know you weren't asking for advice on that, but those two statements that I bolded threw up a red flag to me.
</div>
[QUOTE]Alright, so, before I met my fiance, he was liked best-friends with his sister (and he had never dated anyone before). When we started dating, he wanted to spend every waking moment with me and stopped spending as much time with her. I have always encouraged him to make sure that he balances our time together with family time - I'm really close to my family, and family relationships are important. However, he never really made the effort.....and as I got to know his sister - and didn't like her - I was not too keen on spending time with her. I've continuously encouraged him to spend time with her without me (just because I don't like her doesn't mean he shouldn't spend time with his sister) but he doesn't like doing anything without me. Anyways, a few weeks ago, his sister sent me an email - she is supposed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding, 2 months from now - and said that she does not support my fiance and I getting married and that she thinks her brother is making a mistake. She never explained why she felt this way, so my fiance and I invited her over so that we could talk and figure out where everything was coming from. She said that she feels like her feelings don't matter to her brother anymore, and she doesn't understand why I am the priority in her brother's life. It sounds like she is looking for him to be her knight in shining armor, to be her protector - like she's looking for the emotional support that comes from a committed relationship - but he can't be that.....he is her brother, not her lover. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never tried to pull him away from his family, but his sister thinks that I am doing that, and that her brother isn't happy. She doesn't like how he has changed since he met me (he used to be everyone's doormat and I have always encouraged him to stand up for himself), and thinks that our marriage is doomed to fail. She said that she only wants to be a part of the wedding to support her brother, not to support us. She said it was my choice whether she stayed as a bridesmaid but she would not back out. I am mad because I feel like she has put us in such an awkward position. Since that conversation, she has emailed again saying that she cannot support us and that she isn't going to try and get to know me, or try to accept me. She does not want to be a bridesmaid but won't step down. If I tell her that she doesn't need to be a bridesmaid, everyone in my fiance's family will get pissed at me and think that I was malicious and so on. I'm at my wits end on how to deal with his sister. I want to be civil with her because she is my future-husband's sister, and family is so important to me. But she is making it really hard. Help?!
Posted by greenpianokeys[/QUOTE]
How old are you and your FI? How long did you date before you got engaged?
[QUOTE]You are marrying a 27 year-old man that had never dated anyone before you? Doesn't that strike you as odd that he'd NEVER dated ANYONE before?
Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]
<div>Some people aren't into dating until later in life, especially if they are very dedicated to finishing school or other pursuits. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, does he really have dependency issues or are you exaggerating?</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL problems : Some people aren't into dating until later in life, especially if they are very dedicated to finishing school or other pursuits. Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]
Like their sister.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL problems : Like their sister.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
<div>ziti. that seems out of line to me.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, here's how i read this. FSIL sounds immature and needy. FI sounds like a people pleaser who wants to see everyone happy all the time, and avoid conflict. he was probably her crutch for a long time, and your existence has shaken things up. marriage changes a family's dynamic. i'm sure i ruffle my FIL's feathers all the time. </div><div>
</div><div>i think you and FI <strong>need</strong> to discuss these family dynamics in premarital counseling, b/c it affects your marriage. i know that mine and FI's families are VERY different and it can be extremely challenging sometimes. you need to set expectations with each other around communication and family issues. i would also explore if he does have dependency issues. or codependency issues, from the sounds of things. that's a really big deal.</div><div>
</div><div>re: FSIL- let FI handle it and stay out of the way. she's totally baiting you so she can look like a victim. don't let her do it. find something honest you can say to her the day of the wedding, like "thank you for being here," and repeat it like a mantra.</div>
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Best wishes to you both.
Though taking it out on you is a horrible thing to do, it might be the only way she knows or can think of to hold on to your FI. Has he made an effort to maintain the relationship they had before you came along? If he hasn't she may feel as if you do not like her or you do not want him to have that family connection. Its not you, its her, as cliche as that sounds.
However, you can't make her like you or accept you, the ball is in her court on that one. But throwing away everthing she and your FI have had together as family, is childish. He has been by her side her entire life and letting something like a marriage come between them isn't right. Have you tried having her over before you became engaged? To get to know her better?
This doesn't sound like something that is going to be fixed easily and sorry, but it might never be fixed. If she is stuck in her ways and refuses to budge even a little bit, you may be dealing with it for the rest of your life. I'd try and reach out to her again, maybe if you attempted a friendship with her and showed her that you are not some conniving b*tch, then she might warm up to the idea.