How did you tell your XH and former in-laws?

prodigalgirl · September 2010

When you became engaged, how did you go about telling your ex and his family? Were you still close with his family?

I have to say, this is what I'm dreading as far as the upcoming proposal goes. I know I'll be engaged sometime soon and everything about that is joyous/thrilling for me and my family/friends. But, I'm nervous about telling them.

melissamc2 · September 2010

Do you have children with him? If not, you don't have to tell anyone anything unless you want to.

If you do have children with him, I'd assume that if you've been together long enough to be talking about getting engaged, he's already met your ex, and your ex would have an idea of where things are headed, right? If so, then you just casually let it be known. It doesn't have to be a dramatic conversation with a big build up or anything.

As for the ex in-laws...honestly, YOU don't ever have to tell them anything unless you're super close to them and if you WERE super close to them, telling them wouldn't present a problem. If your ex chooses to tell his family that you're getting re-married, then great. If not, oh well. They'll either find out someday or they won't. (Again, if kids factor in, they will likely tell something, but it really isn't a "must do" kind of thing.)

kimp67 · September 2010

I didn't

arv266 · September 2010

I had to tell my X as we have two children together, but I told him out of courtesy - not as in a prelude to his being invited. If it were not for the children, it would not have crossed my mind to tell him, or his parents. The divorce was the final chapter for the two of us, and other than being parents together, I don't know what is going on his life. You could make the argument that I should, as his life affects the kids lives, but I trust him as a parent to not do anything that would put their welfare at risk.

Why are you nervous about telling them? In what way are they still in your life?

LesPaul · September 2010

My XH wasn't surprised, as I had been dating DH for 2 years when he proposed and knew we were heading that direction. My main reason for telling him the timing was so that he wouldn't schedule our daughters to be visiting him during that timeframe. My XH's family found out when I sent out the STDs - they were all invited to the wedding. They're still my family, and are happy for me and DH.

MikesAngie · September 2010

I have a No Contact Order against my xH - so I won't be telling him or his family. We don't have kids together and there is no reason to spoil my joy!

I don't know how or when my FI will tell his BSC xW, but he will have to tell her because they do have a child together. Althought the xW refuses to have any contact with her and then blames the child. The "woman" is nuts.

prodigalgirl · September 2010

Sorry... I totally should have given more info!!

My in-laws seem to have no clue what divorce really does to a family. They still see my kids often. They pick up my son after school on Tuesdays and have both kids over to spend the night every other Friday. They were broken-hearted when they found out that XH is a sex addict and I felt that they should still be able to see the kids whenever reasonable. So, I make sure that happens on a regular basis. They'll be upset when I get engaged, because it means that I'll be moving away and they won't be able to see the kids regularly. They'll only get to see them whenever XH takes the kids to see them, so they'll be living like every other set of ex-in-laws. They're going to hate that.

XH reacted like a baby when I told him I was seeing someone seriously (I waited until I knew this was probably going to end in marriage and the kids were becoming attached to BF before telling XH). I'm afraid that he'll try to legally fight our parenting agreement simply out of anger.

Right now, XH lives over 24 hours (driving time) away from us. He's in the military. When he's had the kids, he has flown or driven out here and stayed with his parents for his visitation time. Because he already lives so far away from us and is regularly moving, we don't have any mandate about where the kids and I must live. When I get married, we'll probably be moving. Part of me expects XH to pitch a fit and try to require me to stay here.

Brooklclark · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_did-tell-xh-former-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:64c03b10-0f8e-43f5-a620-d0a47fe20c19Post:680dbc7f-5a2d-4d85-b3be-d171ea8f5c89">Re: How did you tell your XH and former in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a No Contact Order against my xH - so I won't be telling him or his family. We don't have kids together and there is no reason to spoil my joy! I don't know how or when my FI will tell his BSC xW, but he will have to tell her because they do have a child together. Althought the xW refuses to have any contact with her and then blames the child. The "woman" is nuts.
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

what is BSC?

i didn't tell my x we dont have kids and we dont talk.

MikesAngie · September 2010

Brook - Bat "iSht"Crazy = BSC

Brooklclark · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_did-tell-xh-former-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:64c03b10-0f8e-43f5-a620-d0a47fe20c19Post:558ab58d-d8cb-4c03-a474-ddd1da5da243">Re: How did you tell your XH and former in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]Brook - Bat "iSht"Crazy = BSC
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

OHHHHH got it LOL thanks

arv266 · September 2010

OHHHHH.... OP, now I get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What does your custody agreement state about visitation and you moving out of state? Sure, your X can pitch the biggest fit he wants, but what does he have to stand on?

My X and I live in the same city, about 5 miles away from each other. Not because we are comfy cozy, but because we share custody of the kids 50/50 and our lives revolve around their schooling. I would LOVE to move out of state, but I can't until they are both 13. My X is also the hugest control freak in the universe, but he has learned in the past 6 years that my life does not have to follow his agenda.

I think it is reasonable to believe that the $hit is going to hit the fan on this, and that it will be an emotional time for your children's grandparents. Just remember that the initial shock is the hard part. This too will pass. Hold firm to the life that you want to live.

Cattm42 · September 2010

Be aware that in most states your former in-laws can get formal court ordered visitation.

Erin McCormack · September 2010

Like Angie, I have and order of protection against my ex for myself and the kids. He lives out of state and I don't know how he would find out. It would have to be a cold day in He## before i would let him know, as it is, FI's ex once again like Angie (Pchyco Bit** of the west ) knows we're getting married, just doesn't know when and I've gone to great lengths to keep it that way. She still is my one underlying worry. She won't find out until my son brings FI's daughter for her visitation weekend and finds out why I'm not there to drop her off.

Kind of wish I could be there to see the look on her face when she does find out.

AdelphiTN · September 2010

I told my X via email - it is the way that i can fully communicate what i need to say before he reacts. Interestingly, he has not in any way acknowledged my engagement or wedding! We talk/email/see each other often on kid related issues... but he has never said a single word... not even congrats. Weird. We've been divorced for 10 years and he's been married and divorced since then.

hccpsu · September 2010

My DH is a widower, and it was difficult for him to tell his ex-inlaws about me. He didn't tell them we were engaged until a couple of months later, but once he'd told them we were dating, they were pretty sure it was serious.

It was hard on them--they didn't want him to be alone, but his ex MIL said to me, "Please don't take him away from us." We invited them to the wedding and DH has exchanged a few emails with them, but we haven't seen them since the wedding. I think they just needed time to get used to the idea (no kids are involved).

rapunnzzll · September 2010

I don't have any contact with my ex, with the exception of the annual demand for this and that. He moved from CO to DC, married for the third time to a federal attorney who tried to push him to threaten me with a multitude of things. She might be a federal prosecutor, but she doesn't seem to know family law, because he didn't seem to be worried about all the court orders he was/is ignoring.

My suggestion would be if you are comfortable with his parents, and it seems as though you are, talk to them. Do they know you are in a serious relationship? Depending on the ages of your children, chances are they already know more than you think. If your decree does not limit where you live, you might check in to it further so you know for sure. As far as his parents not liking it when you move, it's totally expected. It isn't easy, but most adults understand that life goes on and even when there isn't a divorce, grandchildren often times don't live close to their grandparents. If possible, work out a plan so they can come back and stay for maybe a few days. I do hope that between you and their grandparents that just talking, assuring them you are going to keep them in their lives as much as possible will help.

I get along great with my former mil, sil, bil, and in fact they are all coming to our wedding. My fi is the one who put them on our guest list. They live north of us about an hour and we see them occassionally. Former fil, no way. Not after the way he treated my children. I don't talk to him, my kids don't either and he has never attempted to keep in contact. Former fil and mil were divorced many years before I was.

Good luck and I hope all goes well with them.

lauri91 · September 2010

My xH knew my FI had the ring, and he knew we were serious. I called my boys to tell them, they told their Dad, then he got on the phone and wished us well.

I think his biggest issue was the pressure that his GF put on him, as they have been together longer than FI and I.

2dBride · September 2010

I called my ex and told him. His first response was, "We'd been wondering whether you were going to do that."

Unfortunately, there wasn't any point in telling the former in-laws. Former MIL had severe Alzheimer's, and former FIL had suffered several strokes, so neither of them was in a position to remember anything I told them. They had been very supportive of my wife so long as they had any mental functioning.

ichellemay1 · September 2010

As lauri91 said - my ex and his now wife have been together longer than me and my FI. They've been together longer than we've been divorced, but I digress. One of my BFFs sees him about once a year at a charity function. She would've told him this year, but his wife was rushing him away from her. Tend to think she feels threatened by anything/anyone that has anything to do with me.

To answer the question - I'm not telling him jack. He exited my life a very long time ago and doesn't deserve to be part of it now.

Sorry for the long and ranting post.

embracejoy · September 2010

I didn't tell my ex inlaws.. They found out through my XH (who still contacts me once in a while) and his sister, who I'm still close to (and will be a bridesmaid in her wedding in 2012!). Actually, I've only spoken to my XMIL, and she seems very happy for me Haven't heard a peep from my XFIL since before the divorce, but he's a weird guy, so I'm not too worried about it.

XSIL is crazy happy for me, and can't wait to meet FH. XH has acted happy for us, who knows if he really is or not (he cheated a lot, I got the cajones to divorce him, THEN he decided he was actually in love with me, wanted me back, etc. Whatever, dude). He even texted me to ask where FH and I are registered! Weird... We don't have kids together, and we live 3000 miles apart, so that makes things easier.

Lisa50 · September 2010

Well, I haven't told them.

My ex sees my fiance weekly -- at my son's (17 years old, high school senior) football games. As a matter of fact, my former MIL (who first met my FI four years ago, when my son was confirmed), former SIL/BIL, lots of my son's cousins all game down (from Pennsylvania & Delaware to DC) for a game two weeks ago. We all sat together and had a blast.

I've been wearing an engagement ring since Christmas, so I'm not hiding it. There just hasn't been a conversation about the engagement and upcoming wedding.

I'm sure I'll get around to it ...

topcatiom · September 2010

my kids got there before i did but it was all ok. I love my ex-in laws.

Jenn Anne · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_did-tell-xh-former-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:64c03b10-0f8e-43f5-a620-d0a47fe20c19Post:c5cb14d4-5356-45c8-aee7-2785af913672">Re: How did you tell your XH and former in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry... I totally should have given more info!! My in-laws seem to have no clue what divorce really does to a family. They still see my kids often. They pick up my son after school on Tuesdays and have both kids over to spend the night every other Friday. They were broken-hearted when they found out that XH is a sex addict and I felt that they should still be able to see the kids whenever reasonable. So, I make sure that happens on a regular basis. They'll be upset when I get engaged, because it means that I'll be moving away and they won't be able to see the kids regularly. They'll only get to see them whenever XH takes the kids to see them, so they'll be living like every other set of ex-in-laws. They're going to hate that. XH reacted like a baby when I told him I was seeing someone seriously (I waited until I knew this was probably going to end in marriage and the kids were becoming attached to BF before telling XH). I'm afraid that he'll try to legally fight our parenting agreement simply out of anger. Right now, XH lives over 24 hours (driving time) away from us. He's in the military. When he's had the kids, he has flown or driven out here and stayed with his parents for his visitation time. Because he already lives so far away from us and is regularly moving, we don't have any mandate about where the kids and I must live. When I get married, we'll probably be moving. Part of me expects XH to pitch a fit and try to require me to stay here.
Posted by prodigalgirl[/QUOTE]

from a legal standpoint- unless the new BF is abusive or something of that nature he would have no grounds to fight for a different set up of custody.
When it comes to telling your ex, it's going to have to be done obviously but I think the best way will be just to break it to him no beating around teh bush. There are reasons that the marriage with him didnt work out but that will never change the fact that he's your children's father. I hope everything works out.

wegsmom · October 2010

We told our kids first, then I told my ex...he was happy for me. We're great friends now and we socialize with him and his new wife and kids. They're are coming to our wedding.

nabrighteyes · October 2010

WOW!!! This was very interesting to read.

I didn't. It actually came out that I was engaged during a farce for XH to get custody of the child. When the Judge in our case found out that I was getting remarried, she congratulated me and gave me full custody?!?!? so I can live with hubby to be and my son without his input and my son could have a (2) parent home.

flyjawn · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_did-tell-xh-former-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:64c03b10-0f8e-43f5-a620-d0a47fe20c19Post:4c996324-4b3f-4625-8cf3-c7360788acfb">How did you tell your XH and former in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]When you became engaged, how did you go about telling your ex and his family? Were you still close with his family? I have to say, this is what I'm dreading as far as the upcoming proposal goes. I know I'll be engaged sometime soon and everything about that is joyous/thrilling for me and my family/friends. But, I'm nervous about telling them.
Posted by prodigalgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>i could have written this post myself. even though my XH has lived with his girlfriend since the day we separated, he's sensitive about my SO. luckily, my XH has no family that i need to be concerned with.</div><div>
</div><div>very shortly, i'm sure i'll have to tell XH that i'm getting re-married. we have 2 small kids and we do our best to get along and remain friendly for their sake. my engagement will strain that. especially when my SO moves here and the kids and i move in with him.</div><div>
</div><div>i will try to give as few details as possible at first to allow XH time to adjust to the idea of it. i'll let him come to me with comments, questions, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>good luck!</div>

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