Parent Problems

stephandfatty · March 2011

My husband and I are planning a second wedding-for many reasons. Our first wedding was a flop. Noone showed up, we had no formal reception, we have had some rough times, and I was 8 months pregnant.
In any event we are having a "re-wedding" the end of June 2012-right before our 7th anniversary.
I am wondering what to do about my parents. My mother HATES my father and she doens't even know I talk to him-and would disown me if she did. My mother chose not to attend or participate in my first wedding.
Now my father was incarcerated for my first wedding (he was incarcerated for 20 years-he is a good person, just made a few dumb mistakes). He would have gladly participated and would definately have came. This is another reason for the "re-wedding".
I want my dad to be there, but do you think it is okay to not invite my mother. She hasn't called or talked to me since June of 2010 anyways (she does live 2 hours away-but knows my # and is on FB). I don't want to offend her-but its not like she is really involved in my life right now. Help!

stephandfatty · March 2011

I think you sound a little rude. My "do-over" is because of more issues then you could ever understand. And with the divorce rate now days-I would think people being in love should say something. My life hasnt been easy. And I am just looking for a little advice. Have you ever imagined being so utterly dissapointed with your wedding that you cried at 2pm when everyone left. The bridal party didn't even eat, because by the time our photos were done, everyone ate and was ready to leave-and it was only 45 min later. Before you judge me, think about what others could have gone through. And FYI: we didnt have a "wedding" we had a marriage. We did vows, had the ceremony before GOD, but a wedding is a celebration-we didn't have one of those.

right1thistime · March 2011

So, by your definition, if someone chose to get married with just the two of them and their officiant, they would not have had a wedding? And since they didn't have a wedding, they are entitled to have one at some point, any point they so choose?

stephandfatty · March 2011

Yes. And I know a lot of people who have. Not all of us have mommy and daddy to pay for our weddings for us. I know two who have gotten married in Vagas, then came home-and when they could afford a wedding, had one. I know a couple, who were married by the JOP and had a wedding after the face. Maybe if everyone wasn't so judgemental and ignorant this world would be a little better.
This was supposed to be about inviting my mother or not...

AudgiePodge · March 2011

Good to know that my Vegas wedding doesn't count as a real wedding. A wedding is when you get married, the reception is the celebration. Just because your Pretty Princess Day didn't go the way you hoped, doesn't mean you get to have another wedding. You can have a vow renewal. You don't get to get married to someone twice unless there is a divorce between marriages.

right1thistime · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:5297024a-398d-4933-90bc-49247f767eb1Post:34535c23-b322-4d48-8083-792c7cc57db6">Parent Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I are planning a second wedding-for many reasons. Our first wedding was a flop. Noone showed up, we had no formal reception, we have had some rough times, and I was 8 months pregnant. In any event we are having a "re-wedding" the end of June 2012-right before our 7th anniversary. I am wondering what to do about my parents. My mother HATES my father and she doens't even know I talk to him-and would disown me if she did. My mother chose not to attend or participate in my first wedding. Now my father was incarcerated for my first wedding (he was incarcerated for 20 years-he is a good person, just made a few dumb mistakes). He would have gladly participated and would definately have came. This is another reason for the "re-wedding". I want my dad to be there, but do you think it is okay to not invite my mother. She hasn't called or talked to me since June of 2010 anyways (she does live 2 hours away-but knows my # and is on FB). I don't want to offend her-but its not like she is really involved in my life right now. Help!
Posted by stephandfatty[/QUOTE]

Ok let me answer your question then:
You want to invite your father, who missed the original fiasco wedding due to being in prison (for 20 years for just a dumb mistake, not any actual criminal acts, apparently) and not invite your mother, who hates his guts (I can't imagine why) and who hasn't spoken to you in over 6 months, and who blew off your original fiasco wedding. However, you don't want to offend her by not inviting her for some unknown reason.
I think you should invite them both. Maybe if your mother feels badly she'll send you a gift-- that's what counts, right?

Oh, and how is it ignorant and judgmental to ask you to clarify your question? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

MikesAngie · March 2011

You Stephandfatty are having a VOW RENEWAL. It's not a wedding if you are already married.

I'm sorry your original wedding was poorly attended and didn't happen the way you wanted it too - but you did have a ceremony and are legally married.

handfast4me · March 2011

OK, so apparently I'm not REALLY married either, since my husband and I decided to get legally married on a beach, just the two of us. And our handfasting prior to that wasn't real, either (although I'm well aware that it wasn't legal), because we didn't have guests to that, either.

Uh, yeah, Stephandfatty, I gotta agree with PP. It was the first thing I thought of, that maybe people didn't show up because they just didn't want to.

Ok, so we've already heard the "you don't know me!" post through your post, now all I'm waiting for is the "you're bitter old hags and you drove your first husbands away" and then the "I feel sorry for your current husbands!"

Then there's the dirty delete.

Ok, ready? Go!

Wait wait wait. Maybe this is MUD? Because we've had a LOT of these ever since I posted the "we haven't had one of these for a while!" (Stephandfatty--go a few pages back and read that post.)

And then next we'll have that other poster say how cruel and mean I am and that I should go to the other boards.

I am giving her the serious side-eye, too.

Marrin713 · March 2011

And don't forget about our poor husbands, Hand..........how can they stay with such utter wenches!?

Lisa50 · March 2011

*snort, snort* handfast ... look what you hath wrought. BTW, did you see that I found my engagement ring?? Yippee!

As you were.

Marrin713 · March 2011

You found it Lisa!? Where was it??

right1thistime · March 2011

Handfast - NOW you can have the pretty pretty princess day that you missed out on, and get lots and lots of presents off your regestery, and invite your eighth cousin twice removed, and have a meltdown when they decline because they never HEARD of you, and smash cake in DH's face, and it will be ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!11!!!

Oh wait, it was all about the two of you when you had the wedding you wanted. Nevermind. ~D.,

handfast4me · March 2011

You know me, Alpha, always ahead of the power curve! LOL! It's my incredible ESP!

So, Lisa, where did you find it?

thealphabride · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:5297024a-398d-4933-90bc-49247f767eb1Post:7fdaedad-7db2-4741-bbd7-eb9ba5a7808a">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, so apparently I'm not REALLY married either, since my husband and I decided to get legally married on a beach, just the two of us. And our handfasting prior to that wasn't real, either (although I'm well aware that it wasn't legal), because we didn't have guests to that, either. Uh, yeah, Stephandfatty, I gotta agree with PP. It was the first thing I thought of, that maybe people didn't show up because they just didn't want to. Ok, so we've already heard the "you don't know me!" post through your post, now all I'm waiting for is the "you're bitter old hags and you drove your first husbands away" and then the "I feel sorry for your current husbands!" Then there's the dirty delete. Ok, ready? Go! Wait wait wait. Maybe this is MUD? Because we've had a LOT of these ever since I posted the "we haven't had one of these for a while!" (Stephandfatty--go a few pages back and read that post.) And then next we'll have that other poster say how cruel and mean I am and that I should go to the other boards. I am giving her the serious side-eye, too.
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

Hey, I didn't say anything yet..... and you're giving me the side eye already? :)

I call MUD. on this one. (not the quote, the post)

[Deleted User] · March 2011

OP, I think your only option is to sit down with both your mom and dad. Explain that you are asking for one day, for you, just because they love you so much, to be civil to each other. I'm not saying it will work, it may not, but it's the only thing you can do.

Lisa50 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:5297024a-398d-4933-90bc-49247f767eb1Post:30564371-9bc7-4847-9468-9b1c0086709f">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]You found it Lisa!? Where was it??
Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is found!! It was on my night stand, next to my ring holder. FI and I looked on the night stand several times -- moved papers, the ring holder, a couple of small boxes, the lamp, etc. UNREAL. I blame The Borrowers. Sue blames ghosts; I think she's right.

kholle13 · March 2011

I think you should send your mom an invitation and let her decide if she wants to come. At least you invited her.

AmiDenise · March 2011

Invite both of your parents, but give each of them the head's up that the other is coming. Tell each of them that you know they don't get along but that it's important to you to have the other one there, and that you know that because they love you, they'll be willing to put aside the bitterness and bile for a few hours on one special day. Promise them that you won't make them sit next to each other or even be in pictures together, that they'll be able to pretend the other isn't there -- then keep that promise. If they come, they come; if they don't, you tried.

On to the other subject:
A wedding is whatever it is to you. For some people, it's 2 people on the beach together and no one else; for others, it's 360 people in a cathedral and the whole shebang afterwards. I'm having a very small ceremony and supper at a local restaurant in lieu of a ceremony; that works for me and for our wedding. Clearly, you were unhappy with the way yours went down; you wanted more and it sounds like you feel a bit jipped.

Yes, technically, your ceremony would be a vow renewal; wedding traditionally is the term for when you're actually legally married. Perhaps, "second ceremony" would be a bit less offensive to other brides when posting on TK or other message boards. Regardless, it's your d*mn day. If you want to call it "Hilary's I missed the roller coaster the first time around" ceremony, call it that. Don't let others make you feel any less for a term that you use -- because that's all it is, a term.

I hope that you get out of the second ceremony what you feel you need. Good luck!

shytownkelly · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:5297024a-398d-4933-90bc-49247f767eb1Post:e97cec85-af4f-4901-9a29-b796256c34f2">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
[QUOTE] Regardless, it's your d*mn day. If you want to call it "Hilary's I missed the roller coaster the first time around" ceremony, call it that. Don't let others make you feel any less for a term that you use -- because that's all it is, a term.
Posted by AmiDenise[/QUOTE]

Seriously?

"it's your day"

That is so epically awesome I can't even stand it.

What I don't understand is this - WHY spend money on a pretty princess day do-over when you are already married? Why not save the money (and stress/drama etc) for a FANTASTIC vacation with your hubby? Or buy a home? or a vacation home? or just pay off the cars and be ecstatically happy about living debt free?

Listen - I get where you are coming from with feeling let down about the wedding. My first wedding was going to be a beautiful church wedding and reception at a fantastic restaurant for 250 people. Until that is I found out I was pregnant (and woulda been 7 months along at the wedding date) - so instead we did a JOP in a park gazebo with about 25 friends and family with a BBQ at our house after. At the time I thought "that's ok - in 5 years or so we'll do a vow renewal and I'll get my big party then!" Well guess what - I never did it. Instead for our 10 year anniversary we went to Maui for 2 weeks. It was way better than any party I would have had.

perhaps something to consider.

Parent Problems

Re: Parent Problems

Choose Another Board

Search Boards