NEW UPDATE How to deal with people inviting themselves to my wedding? (longish)

desertsun · June 2010

A cousin of mine just sent me a message on facebook saying she and her husband would be "in the area" around the time of my wedding and they "just wanted to make sure it was okay" if they came.

I did not send them an invitation.

I did send an invitation to my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle. Also, our grandparents are invited, and that is usually where my cousin stays when she's out here.

I'm still debating how to respond. I am not particularly enthusiastic about parting with more money to pay for their dinners. And I'm a bit annoyed at them inviting themselves. BUT, it does seem a bit rude that they sit home while all the other relatives in the state come to the wedding.

Suggestions? Write my response for me? Advice? Help, please!

Ana_2985 · June 2010

"That's so sweet of you to want to celebrate with us! But due to budget/space limitations we aren't able to invited everyone we'd like to. It would be great to meet up with you for dinner at some later date."

Something like that. Even if you don't have budget or space limitations.

Edit: But that is a tough situation since it's family. Are you inviting other cousins? If you are, I might just say let them go. If not, then don't extend the invitation because if you do it once it's harder to draw the line the second time it happens.

sapphirebaby926 · June 2010

If it were me I'd try to fit them in if I could but if not I'd go with what Ana said. That being said I'm kind of a pushover when it comes to family

ljewel422 · June 2010

I agree with what Ana said - it's very tactful. I'm just wondering why you did not invite her if you've invited her parents and your grandparents. Do you not have a good relationship with her, or did you just need to cut costs?

Goldlie11 · June 2010

Is this your first cousin? Is there a reason she wasn't invited? Although technically I haven't invited anyone yet, we're planning on inviting certain categories in our families. All parents, grandparents, first cousins, aunts, and uncles, second cousins who are not children. Of course all spouses and live in partners of all family members who fall into those categories.

I have a couple of people in those categories who I'm not too close to or don't really like, but it's not really worth the drama to me that not inviting them would cause.

desertsun · June 2010

We have invited two other cousins.

Originally we said no cousins, but I'm close with one particular cousin and her husband and kids. They actually keep in touch and visit pretty regularly. (haven't seen or spoken with most of my cousins in 10 years). So we decided to make the one exception, and even warned this cousin she and her family were the only exceptions.

The other exception happened when an aunt and uncle on the other side of the family told my parents that they would be out here vacationing with one of their daughters. We didn't want to make her sit in a hotel room by herself, so we said okay.

So now, I almost feel bad NOT making another exception.

However, we have only paid for about 75 people and additional guests are like $90 per person above that number. We invited less than 100 people, but quite a few are OOT. We went low with the number we paid for b/c we didn't want to overpay (no refund). But we also don't really want 90 people to RSVP (or self-invite) and have to pay an additional $1300 two weeks before the wedding.

Another issue is that my grandmother is wheelchair bound and my grandfather suffers from Alzheimer's. We don't like Grandpa to drive them around much. Usually my immediate family caters to their every need at family gatherings, but my Mom really wants to be able to focus on me. So, if the self-inviting cousin was staying with them and could look after them, it might be worth the cost of the dinners. (I realize this is selfish and not very nice. But it IS a factor.)

It shouldn't matter that this cousin is not so classy but I confess that's a big reason why I would not want to invite her and her husband. That and the fact that they're trying to invite themselves and that is just annoying. I hate rewarding bad behavior.

Blar.

desertsun · June 2010

Oh, and I have about 14 aunts and uncles, many of whom have at least 2 children, so we're talking about a difference of 20 or so people in the guest list if we'd invited cousins, which works out to at least a $2000 difference in budget.

desertsun · June 2010

Oh, and I only have two cousins left who are under the age of 18. So we invited them along with their parents. Another exception based on common sense.

But it is kind of a lot of exceptions, so I supposed one could argue what's the big deal about one more...

paintgirl · June 2010

Maybe I'm just annoyed and am being a b*tch today but I would respond as Ana suggested and keep it moving. I can't imagine inviting myself to a casual BBQ or other party, much less a wedding.

If you need someone to look after your grandfather make sure she's willing to do it. Then don't feel selfish or bad about it for one second. She invites herself, she gets to earn her keep.

hetshup · June 2010

Stick with Ana's answer. It's incredibly rude of them to self invite and if they are going to help care for Grandma and Grandpa that shouldn't come with strings attached. At that point it's just a slippery slope to busting your budget. And honestly if they are someone you would rather not have around, that's a completely legit reason.

Also, the exceptions you've made for the other cousins seem to be completely different. She will be with her husband, not alone in a hotel room. If she was by herself, then sure, but she's a big girl, she can entertain herself.

Ana_2985 · June 2010

I don't know. I don't think you're doing anything wrong no matter what you decide to do.

I know it's always great to save money, but if you can afford to invite this cousin and her husband I might do it. You've already made an exception for one and there will likely be hurt feelings all around if you tell the second couple they're not welcome. I don't count the first cousin couple as an exception because it sounds like you would have invited them whether they were family or not.

Bottom line- it's your call. You're not in the wrong either way. Maybe talk to your mom or dad to see if they think anyone in the family will be hurt.

ekathleen684 · June 2010

I'd go with something along the lines of what Anna said.

Goldlie11 · June 2010

It's a tough one. You do have to draw the line somewhere. If you chose not to invite your cousins, there is obviously a reason. I'm not saying you are wrong for not inviting them. Everyone decides their determining factors when making a guest list. Some people just go with categories. Others use a cut off like not inviting anyone they have not seen in a year. Most etiquette books that I've read usually suggest the categories to avoid situations like yours.

I kind of see your situation like the whole children situation. Once you start making exceptions, people might get upset as to why you would not make an exception for them. So, I guess this is my long winded way of saying I would not invite them based on what you've written.

desertsun · June 2010

OH! Goldie, that reminds me.

Here's another toughie: I invited my boss and her husband. She wrote in their 1.5 year old son on the RSVP. We haven't invited the offspring of our closest friends. Family only, mostly b/c my niece and nephew are our flower girl and ring bearer. My other niece is breastfeeding. And my cousin, that I mentioned above with her husband and kids that were the original exception -- their kids are tight with my niece and nephew. They'll all prob go to the hotel with a baby sitter shortly after dinner.

Should I say something to my boss or let it go?

Goldlie11 · June 2010

Definitely let the boss know that the child was not invited.

I hope I explained myself in the other post. I'm not judging you for the decisions that you made with your guest list. You should be able to invite who you want. People should not be inviting themselves. It's just rude!

desertsun · June 2010

No worries, Goldie. I wasn't upset, but I did want to explain the guest list reasoning and financial situation. It helps people give good advice when they know the context. Thanks for your comments -- I appreciate your help!

Thanks to everyone else for your help, also! As usual, I got good advice. NEY girls are the best!

I think I'll talk to my parents and see what they have to say. While FI and I are trying to pay for as much as we can, my parents are paying for the food, so it's really their decision. I just know that they will ask me what I want, and I thought hearing other perspectives would help me figure that out.

I'll let you know what we decide!

desertsun · June 2010

I now have a second couple that have written their child's name on the RSVP, though the invitation was addressed to just the parents.
What if everyone just assumed their kids were invited??? We know lots of people with kids.
We didn't invite kids (other than family) because we wanted people to come and enjoy themselves and focus on me and my FI and our wedding. I realize I'm bordering on pretty princess day here, wanting to be the center of attention. But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be able to celebrate with your friends, instead of watching them chase their kids around. Or is this totally unreasonable? I feel like I don't have good perspective on this issue, and so I don't know how to respond.
The thing is, you don't want people to be offended when they see some kids there if you told them don't bring your kids.
Some people with kids have RSVP'ed without the kids, but now I'm worrying that they will have assumed their kid is invited.
Am i even making sense at this point?
Gah. I realize it's not proper, but I'm starting to think I should have followed my venue coordinator's advice when she said to put something about "adult reception" on the invitation.

Ana_2985 · June 2010

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to invite kids. You just need to realize that it's possible that some people won't want to attend without their kids and may decide to skip your wedding. That's their choice.

You did the right thing by not including "adult reception" on your invites.

Now you just have to call people and tell them that the invitation was for the adults only. You can tell them something similar about having space/budget constraints so you only reserved 2 seats for them. It's also none of their business whether or not children in the family are invited. If they are offended, that's their problem not yours.

What was your response card like? Did it have any space to write a number or make meal selections? I wouldn't freak out. I think most people understand how invitations are addressed and they'll know whether or not their children were invited.

katanne9 · June 2010

Eeek, I'm sorry Desert. I think you should stick to your guns and give Ana's line. I could consider inviting your cousin + Hubby, but I also don't like rewarding rude behavior. Definitely don't feel like you have to invite the children. People are rude. This makes me dread that my RSVPs are all coming back soon.

catemeg · June 2010

Yeah, this makes me dread cousins and exceptions, too. My BF's Mom has 9 siblings, each with at least 4 kids. Most are in their 20's with significant others. YIKES! That's 76 people right there! Whereas I'm very close with all 15 of my cousins.

I say you're under no obligation to invite someone's kid, and it's rude of them to assume the kid's invited. I've heard people actually are ultimately grateful not to have their kids, usually, but it's certainly more of a hassle with babysitters and whatnot. But ya know? Not your problem. Let them know you won't be having space for the child, or that only children of immediate family members are invited. Either way, so long as you have a clear rule and don't make obvious exceptions that can piss people off, it's your perogative.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

I would probably say something about the fact that due to budget you decided not to invite cousins. But...that's a tough call for sure.

As far as the boss..phew! Good luck with that one LOL

raw1299 · June 2010

this must be a really sucky situation for you. i think when i write up my invites it will say "No children!" lol. if all my cousins and boyfriends cousins kids were invited, we'd have an extra 30 people. the only children allowed to come are his sisters kids, who will be in the wedding as the ring bearer and flower girls. If you've invited other cousins from the same family, im sorry to say, but your kinda obligated to invite them. i know its alot of money, but would you rather put up a few hundred, or cause an argument or tension between your family?

i dont really like my cousins either, but i'd invite them.

if i were you, i'd also tell your boss that his child isnt invited. tell him that no children are coming due to the cost and space. you know, i dont get that, you probably specifically wrote on the invite for just him and his wife, and they think that their toddler is invited??

Ana_2985 · June 2010

Raw - This is TWO DAYS old. As are the other 15 threads you posted on! Do you not see the date and time under the title?

Do you also not see the shift key?

You're not going to see this until Thursday anyway.

desertsun · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-people-inviting-themselves-wedding-longish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:420c63fa-9e02-4133-87b6-928cfc223997Post:5cd6b824-51ba-4f18-94c1-33341d1f2aca">Re: UPDATE How to deal with people inviting themselves to my wedding? (longish)</a>:
[QUOTE]this must be a really sucky situation for you. i think when i write up my invites it will say "No children!" lol. if all my cousins and boyfriends cousins kids were invited, we'd have an extra 30 people. the only children allowed to come are his sisters kids, who will be in the wedding as the ring bearer and flower girls. If you've invited other cousins from the same family, im sorry to say, but your kinda obligated to invite them. i know its alot of money, but would you rather put up a few hundred, or cause an argument or tension between your family? i dont really like my cousins either, but i'd invite them. if i were you, i'd also tell your boss that his child isnt invited. tell him that no children are coming due to the cost and space. you know, i dont get that, you probably specifically wrote on the invite for just him and his wife, and they think that their toddler is invited??
Posted by raw1299@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

My boss is a woman.

Thanks for being sexist.

desertsun · June 2010

Oh, and a belated thank you to Ana, catemeg, Jeter, and Kat for the input/advice!

Our RSVP deadline is the 20th, so we are kind of waiting to see how the numbers are shaping up.

hetshup · June 2010

For her and her wife?

Just trying to cover all the bases

Have you gotten more? Are they now turning out ok?

desertsun · June 2010

LOL @ hetshup. Her and her husband would accurately reflect reality.

In other fun RSVP developments:

I had one OOT guest who already RSVP'ed for just herself contact me and say, "oh my long-term BF has now decided he wants to come, too. Is that okay?" He was invited, I just think it's funny that she RSVP'ed and then changed her mind. Screws with my head count and seating chart!

Also, I'm finding myself annoyed at co-workers and people in the wedding party who haven't bothered to RSVP. I really do need to know FOR SURE that you are coming and if you're bringing a guest. If so, I need your guest's name!

I've had a friend RSVP without a guest's name and tell me she'd get back to me b/c she isn't sure who she's bringing, but it might end up being her mom. Is it just me or is it a little strange to bring your mom as your plus one to a wedding? I've met her mom, but still.

Oh, and another friend who originally RSVP'ed for herself is now bringing a date.

Make up your minds, people!

hetshup · June 2010

If they ask, say

"All RSVPs are final, no you can't bring anyone new. And if you do.... well, they have to sit on a home depot bucket"

When is the final date and when do the place cards need to be printed? Can you add a post it on the inside of the offender's place card? Let me think of more horribly tacky ideas.

notquiteblushing · June 2010

I'm a "the more the merrier" kind of person and I hate to offend people - and we have a minimum to meet! - so that may skew my opinion but five weeks out I would just say eff it and tell your cousin you're happy to have her. Two people is not that big a deal in the scheme of things.

desertsun · June 2010

The RSVP date is June 20.

I am supposed to have the final headcount 2 weeks before the wedding date.

I can bring escort cards to the rehearsal the day before.

I'm pretty sure I could add people pretty much up to the rehearsal if we paid for them. But it's $90/person above the 75 we've already paid for, and that adds up fast! This is why we're trying to limit adding adults.

catemeg · June 2010

If your RSVP date is not for another week, sit back and wait a bit before making seating charts which will only make you more annoyed with any changes. People probably think they can change their minds up until the "Due by" dates anyway.

And Raw, seriously? You'd going to print "No children" on your invites? Not only are you tacky by posting on really old threads, but you're also incredibly rude.

NEW UPDATE How to deal with people inviting themselves to my wedding? (longish)

Re: NEW UPDATE How to deal with people inviting themselves to my wedding? (longish)

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