not attending wedding...what to give?

spartybride3 · May 2012

I have a friend that is getting married about a week before me. She invites me to everything & we do the same, however she NEVER attends anything we invite her to, but we frequently go to her events. In all seriousness, she's NEVER attended anything we invite her to. We usually (80%) go to things she invites us to.

She RSVP'ed no immediately to our wedding, which obviosuly upset me because its 6 days after hers & I know she is not going on her honeymoon then. It's slightly spiteful, but i also RSVP'ed no to her wedding. I'm just tired of her not attending things that we invite her to. It is really rude of her.

I feel "obligated" to send her something for the wedding. I just don't know how much to spend.

What would you do???

jessicabessica · May 2012

You should decide what to give based on what you can afford and your relationship with the couple. It sounds like you don't have or want much of a relationship with her, so if you want to send something, I would go for something smaller from her registry or just a card.

Given your feelings, though, I probably wouldn't have even invited her to the wedding--you're not going to hers out of spite, so it seems like you're not friends and the being the bigger person ship has sailed.

JessicaPop · May 2012

If it's 6 days after hers would she be on her honeymoon? Maybe she rsvp'd no for that reason. I would send her something. But I wouldn't spend more than $50 on it because it sounds like you're not that close. Just go on their registry and pick something random for under $50

hoffse · May 2012

I'll be honest - you sound pretty bitter about a relatively minor thing. I wouldn't be going to anybody's wedding 6 days after mine either, and we are delaying our honeymoon. The reason? Because of a) exhaustion, b) we're doing a gift opening with our immediate family the week after, and c) FI is going to be back in school a couple of hours away to finish exams - and I won't go to a wedding without him. Our gift opening is going to be up in the city where he is in school to make that logistically work. If there is a reason they aren't going to be on their honeymoon then (but they are still taking one), there might be something else going on in their life at that time. Sorry but your wedding wouldn't make the cut for me unless FI or I were in your wedding party. I'm sorry she RSVPs no to a lot of things, but I wouldn't "punish" her for it in terms of the gift you decide to give. That sort of thing can come off as petty, and that's how it sounds to me in your post.

I'm usually in the minority on this one, but I give a larger gift when I don't attend a wedding (unless the wedding is local to me which they almost never are) because I won't be spending money to travel. I never actually spend as much as I would to travel to a wedding and stay in a hotel, but I usually add $30-$50 on top of what I normally give when I get invited but don't go. A lot of people spend less because they figure the bride and groom aren't paying for their meal anymore... but that feels awfully tit-for-tat, and that's not what gift giving is about to me.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I can imagine I'd feel the same way as you if I were in your shoes.
However, give it a few days, take a few deep breaths...and I would say get her what you would normally give based on finances and such.
Maybe from now on, you'll think twice about inviting her to things.

Amynutrition · May 2012

Give what you can afford. What did she send you for your wedding?
on a side note, how are you "friends" with someone who never comes when you invite her?

I was bummed my friend and her H RSVP'd no to our wedding... it's father's day weekend and her H's dad lives in NYC (and he owns lots of properties where they could stay) so I figured it would be no problem for them. And we spent ~$500 to go to her wedding in Chicago last year. They did send us a ~$175 gift from the registry though.

Summer2011Bride · May 2012

You sound like you don't care to have a very close relationship to her. If she never wants to hang out when you invite her someplace, I guess I'm unsure why you still want to be close friends? In your situation, I would probably not send anything or just send a card. If you do decide to give a gift, just spend what you can afford or what you'd spend on anyone's wedding gift.

laurenlizzyb · May 2012

If I am not going to a weddin but I feel close enough to the person that I should send a gift, I usually consider my relationship to that person and send a gift that corresponds with that. Usually I send them to friends. Even though I'm in my 20s, if I'm invited to a family wedding that I don't go to, I allow my parents to take care of the gift because they always sign cards "and family" and frankly, they have a lot more money than we do! lol.

That being said, it really doesn't sound like this girl is someone you really want to stay close to. Maybe this a good time in your life to end that friendship and put your focus on building new friendships. I think it's tough, especially when we have a friend that we've known forever and it just seems strange to not include them, to walk away. I have a friend like that and I still invite her to everything. She is such a flake but she RSVP'd yes to our wedding and so who knows what will happen if she and her H don't show up! (Which is my biggest pet peeve... don't care about whether guests bring gifts because I genuinely want everyone there, but if you say you're going to come please please please show up because otherwise it's like watching money go into a paper shredder and that hurts!)

meganb1977 · May 2012

When my cousin in Michigan got married I sent her an inexpensive cookbook with recipes of traditional local foods from New Orleans and a couple of other kitchen goodies from a souvenir shop here...I think a pot holder or oven mitt was one of the things. Maybe you could do something similar with a Chicago vibe? Or if you know she's into different appetizers or desserts or etc? So it would be thoughtful without you spending a lot of money.

mbrischoux · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_not-attending-weddingwhat-to-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:b90bd900-467b-4757-940a-35bf6aa169d1Post:78c6496c-6dbf-4b28-8af5-f9caa591114b">Re: not attending wedding...what to give?</a>:
[QUOTE]An invitation is not an invoice. You aren't required to give a gift whether you attend or not - and it doesn't sound as if you're that close. Send her a nice card.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This is sassy, but true.

It doesn't sound like you are that close. I wouldn't go out of my way to send a gift. Besides, those who don't attend the wedding don't have to give a gift. A nice note of congratulations is more than enough.

racholas · May 2012

If you always give gifts, just give her a gift. Spend what you're comfortable spending (maybe 70% - 80% of what you usually spend). Presumably she'll reciprocate with a gift. Then you're both just trading money but you can feel as if you've done the right thing. If she doesn't give you a gift, then you'll really know where things stand.

librababy · June 2012

If you're not going to the wedding, why do you NEED to send a gift? If you feel like you truly want to, get her something small and on the lower $$ end off her registry and a nice card.

I know it sounds childish that you decided not to go her wedding because she's not coming to yours but I understand. My friend's sister is like your friend. We're not friends per say, more like 'friend's by association' because her sister is one of my close friends. Anyway, I used to invte her to all my events and she would show or not. I didn't care until I noticed a pattern with her a few years ago. I would invited her to my kids b-day parties and she would not show up, not call, nothing. Then she would invite me to her kid's parties and I would always go, even when it was an inconvenience. Last year, I went out of my way to attend her dd's party and then the day after, she didn't even show up to my dd's party nor call. Once year she came to my dd's party 2 hours AFTER it had ended. And she never brings a gift (which is not important to me but with her, it just irkd me.). I know it's not the same as your situation and I kinda hijacked your thread with my own vent but I do understand.

However, I think I would go to her wedding. I do love weddings. And the food is free LOL!!

Oh and with my friend's sister, i stopped inviting her to events and I no longer attend hers. Last year she actually invited me to her 2nd dd's party after the HUGE diss she served me not coming to my dd's party and I just ignored her invite (so childish). I still like her enough, but I don't feel the need to include her any longer.

Lisa50 · June 2012

In your case, having replied no already, do not give her anything.

eguzman2323 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_not-attending-weddingwhat-to-give?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:b90bd900-467b-4757-940a-35bf6aa169d1Post:e3137838-b1fd-4bb4-95f1-fd5c432ab900">Re: not attending wedding...what to give?</a>:
[QUOTE]When my cousin in Michigan got married I sent her an inexpensive cookbook with recipes of traditional local foods from New Orleans and a couple of other kitchen goodies from a souvenir shop here...I think a pot holder or oven mitt was one of the things. Maybe you could do something similar with a Chicago vibe? Or if you know she's into different appetizers or desserts or etc? So it would be thoughtful without you spending a lot of money.
Posted by meganb1977[/QUOTE]

Excellent idea! :) I agree

not attending wedding...what to give?

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