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Registering and Gifts

Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?'


Sort of a rant in a question, but why do people generally see giving cash or honeymoon registeries tacky? I know it's not traditional, but I don't get why this tradition is so hard to die out. My fiance and I are going to have a decent sized wedding (120+ guests) and we can't possibly accept even half that many gifts. We lost our house in a storm, and are living with family until after the wedding (getting a new place would mean putting off the wedding, and that's not viable for us for several reasons). People have already asked us what we need most for our next home, but really, we won't be able to move for some time, and we can't keep that much stuff in storage. We thought to use a honeymoon registry, so people could give us a gift we could use. And yet since then, we keep getting told 'it's tacky.' Why? Are we supposed to get stuff we can't use, and then take it back? Is that really better than telling people the truth? I mean, the only other option is getting stuff we can't use, and having to rent a storage unit for wedding presents, costing us money to avoid being 'tacky.'

I just dont' get it. I like the idea of a honeymoon registery, and yet I'm afraid to go through with it now as there is such a negative reaction. I don't know how to avoid offending people without shooting ourselves in the foot. Any ideas?









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Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?'

  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited February 2012
    Here are my reasons why I don't like them.

    1. Why would you need to register for cash?  People have been putting cash and checks in cards for brides and grooms for decades.  Plus the registry charges fees for their services (no one works for free!).  There's no reason to register for it.  It's also rude to ask for money.

    2. HM registries are not what they sound like.  You sign up with a HM site for things like a snorkeling trip or nice dinner.  Your guests go onto the site and purchase these gifts for you.  In reality the company takes their money, takes their cut (usually between 3-5%), and then gives you the rest of the cash after their fees.  The gift giver thinks they're actually giving you the snorkel trip but you're just getting a portion of their gift but in cash which you can then do whatever you want with it.  If you want that snorkel trip you have to then go and purchase it yourself.  Also the gift giver is usually unaware that there are any fees being taken out of their gift they're giving to you.  It seems dishonest and a bit of a rip off.

    If you can't hold onto physical gifts until you move into your new home then tell them you're saving for when you get to move in.  People will get the hint.

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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    Bravo to your friends and family.  Most people just grit their teeth and smile when someone tells them they are doing a HR.

    Ditto everything Jagore said.  If your guests know that you are looking for a new home they are probably already planning on giving you cash - and honestly, if you are living with family until you can afford a new place, a honeymoon should not be a priority for you and your guests probably feel the same way.  DH and I took our honeymoon on our 1 year anniversary and it was wonderful.
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  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    I agree with Jagore. 

    Also - I know you're not on your own yet, but I'm sure there are some things you can use now, and then you can keep less in storage. For instance: sheets, bedding, and towels. These are big registry items and you can (I'm guessing) use them now. 

    Other gifts - cookware, dishes, glassware - honestly doesn't take up that much space. I got all my wine glasses for an engagement gift and have them carefully packed in a large rubbermaid tub. If you don't want those things at all, fine, but I bet you will eventually and why not let people buy them for you?

    Last point - 120 guests does not mean 120 gifts. Most of those people are likely couples, so that's more like 60 gifts. How much space does one place setting take up? I promise, not much. And you might not get everything you register for, or you might have a small registry (even better, because then people will be inclined to give you cash). 
  • I agree with PPs.  I feel badly for you and the situation you are in - I can't fathom the disruption and disappointment over losing your home.  I think your family members are doing you a favor in telling you what they likely wouldn't participate in if you decided to have a honeymoon or cash registry; it's likely they know cash is a priority for you and your FI, and most people will go that route - they just don't need to disguise it in some gimmick that actually costs you money.

    I agree with PPs too that you could, if you wanted, create a small registry of items you could use now.  Sheets and towels (kitchen and/or bath), glassware, kitchen accessories, even some smaller size photo albums or frames wouldn't take up a lot of room.  You could also think about replacing items, rather than simply acquiring more.  If you have some space, it couldn't hurt to ask for things you will need when you establish your new home.

    I also agree with Leisel that if you are trying to build income to get into a new home, delaying a honeymoon until you are settled is a good idea.  We also delayed our honeymoon (haven't even gone yet) - and the trip we do take won't be less special just because it didn't start 24 hours after the wedding.



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    Anniversary


  • You don't straight up ask for cash from people - EVER.

    If you don't have room for gifts, make a small registry for a few things (because some people like to give boxed gifts) but mostly people will give you cash.  No registering for it.

    Honeymoon registries are honestly cash registries, which is again asking for cash... see first sentence of this post.  Typically, these websites put up lovely pictures of things you can do on your honeymoon and your guests can "buy" them.  Only they don't.  They website gathers up the money for you, takes a portion of the top and then cuts you a check for the rest.  Why would you allow a website to take some of the money??  They didn't do anything! 

    If your guests simply put cash in an envelope, you are free to do with the ENTIRE amount as you wish!
  • edited February 2012
    I don't think it's not traditional, it's just plain rude (etiquette =/= tradition) to ask for cash.  That's why it's not a dying tradition.  You don't go around asking people for their money--not for a birthday gift, not for a wedding gift, not ever, it's just not polite.  However, in many circles, cash is a traditional wedding gift, and people will give cash on their own.  That's not the same as having a website or annoying poem telling people how you want their money instead of whatever gift they want to pick out.

    If someone asks you what you would like, it's fine to say, "we have a small registry at BBB, but we are saving for our house," or "we know exactly the dishes we want, but we don't have anywhere to put them right now, so we're hoping to get some gift cards that we can use soon."  If they ask.  

    I am sorry about your house.  What you do with your money is totally your business, but I would say that if the choices are between having a big wedding and building your house fund faster, work toward the house.  Have a smaller reception, and consider serving cake and punch at a non-meal time to cut costs.  Maybe it's not the wedding you always wanted, but priorities can change, and the important part of the wedding is getting to be with the person you love, not the material things.  Like PPs said, delay your honeymoon until you can afford it without dipping into your house fund.

  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    Here are my reasons why I don't like them. 1. Why would you need to register for cash?  People have been putting cash and checks in cards for brides and grooms for decades.  Plus the registry charges fees for their services (no one works for free!).  There's no reason to register for it.  It's also rude to ask for money. 2. HM registries are not what they sound like.  You sign up with a HM site for things like a snorkeling trip or nice dinner.  Your guests go onto the site and purchase these gifts for you.  In reality the company takes their money, takes their cut (usually between 3-5%), and then gives you the rest of the cash after their fees.  The gift giver thinks they're actually giving you the snorkel trip but you're just getting a portion  of their gift but in cash which you can then do whatever you want with it.  If you want that snorkel trip you have to then go and purchase it yourself.  Also the gift giver is usually unaware that there are any fees being taken out of their gift they're giving to you.  It seems dishonest and a bit of a rip off. If you can't hold onto physical gifts until you move into your new home then tell them you're saving for when you get to move in.  People will get the hint.
    Posted by jagore08
    I agreew with jagore 100%!
  • Ditto everythings PPs said.  I also don't like them because I don't WANT to give you cash.  Plenty of people like giving cash, and I have no beef with that,  but it's not something I personally want to participate in.  I don't want you knowing what I've spent on you - I've said this a lot on these boards but I'll say it again.  I'm a hard-core bargain shopper, and I am also a student for a few more months.  I can't afford to buy something a $100 wedding gift.  But I can usually find the items on their registry for less money than their registry lists.  I use coupons, flash sale days, even places like TJ Maxx to find bargains on things the bride and groom ask for from their registry.  And I look for registries the moment I know I'm invited to a wedding so I can get a gift in mind and start keeping an eye out for it or wait for a good holiday sale.  Point is, that $80 wok on your registry probably cost me $50.  But my $80 check to you cost me $80.  And my $80 contribution to your honeymoon registry gives you $74.23.
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  • Ditto PP. Cash and honeymoon registries are tacky because they take a portion of your gift as a fee.
     
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  • I'll never understand why people think they have to set up a silly website to collect cash from their guests. Cash registries, including HM registries are so inapppropriate. It has nothing to do with tradition it has all to do with manners and not offending your guests by asking them for their money.

    People already know that cash is a great gift. I assume since you are inviting 120 people to your wedding that they are close enough to you to know your current circumstances and will be even more inclined to give a cash gift. Do a small registry for people who prefer giving boxed gift. Others will get the hint that cash is appreciated and will put cash/check in a card.  If someone asks you directly about gift, say we are registered at store x but also saving for our home.  It really isn't that difficult to figure out.

    Also have to agree w/pp. If I were in your current situation the last thing I'd be thinking about doing with any extra cash is blowing it on a HM when you need a roof over your head.  
  • meganb1977meganb1977 member
    1000 Comments
    edited February 2012

    As a New Orleanian who was displaced for a while after Katrina I'm sympathetic to your situation!  It can be stressful living with family and I'm sure you're counting the days until you and fiance get get a place of your own.

    That said, I would create a very small-ish registry for people who prefer to give you a boxed gift, don't mention the registry unless someone specifically asks, and decline any offers that someone might make to host a shower for you.  Personally after planning my wedding I'm a huge fan of giving gift cards or cash gifts!  You can register for anything you want so you can include storage bins, hangers, or other things you might be able to use now.  Some of your friends / family may ask you (or your mother or fiance's mother) what the two of you want and in that event the person who asks can be informed/reminded of your situation and it would be fine to suggest that you're saving for your honeymoon and/or to get set up in a new home.

    I'll disagree with pp's and say that if it is a priority for you to take your honeymoon right after your wedding, that's understandable for the sentimental reasons...and after living with family the two of you probably could use a vacation!

    Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.
  • I wish everyone would just take wedding out of the equation.  Would you ever create a cash registry for your birthday?  Create a vacation registry?  Getting married is a big deal yes, but it does not give you license to do things you typically wouldn't. 
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  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    I wish everyone would just take wedding out of the equation.  Would you ever create a cash registry for your birthday?  Create a vacation registry?  Getting married is a big deal yes, but it does not give you license to do things you typically wouldn't. 
    Posted by Girlie1030
    Girlie, this is EXACTLY what I was going to say.
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  • Wow the responses here are harsh. I'm not even in the poster situation and was thinking of having a small registry and a honeymoon registry. I have to admit I haven't researched it thoroughly yet and wasn't aware of the fees. My fiance and I are in our thirties and have collected tons of things separately, so the non-traditional option was an idea I came up with. We don't have any problems paying for our own honeymoon, but wanted to prevent adding to our pile of stuff. Personally I spoke with some people and they thought it was a great idea. As with anything weddings are constantly evolving and so are the traditions. For those that will have an issues with the registry you can have the traditional registry. Either way it's your wedding and it should be about what you would like as a couple. I also don't think it's my place to tell you what your priorities should be. I wish you the best!!! I get that everyone has a right to express their opinion, but sometimes these boards are scary.
  • Also one thing to note there are several cultures that provide cash as a gift to the new couple and there are no "traditional" registries.
  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    I wish everyone would just take wedding out of the equation.  Would you ever create a cash registry for your birthday?  Create a vacation registry?  Getting married is a big deal yes, but it does not give you license to do things you typically wouldn't. 
    Posted by Girlie1030
    So to play devil's advocate here, would you ever create a gift registry through Target, BBB, Macy's etc. for your birthday?  That is what I don't get about wedding registries in general.  I think asking for ANY kind of gift is rude so what makes "object" registries any better or worse?
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    Wow the responses here are harsh. I'm not even in the poster situation and was thinking of having a small registry and a honeymoon registry. I have to admit I haven't researched it thoroughly yet and wasn't aware of the fees. My fiance and I are in our thirties and have collected tons of things separately, so the non-traditional option was an idea I came up with. We don't have any problems paying for our own honeymoon, but wanted to prevent adding to our pile of stuff. Personally I spoke with some people and they thought it was a great idea. As with anything weddings are constantly evolving and so are the traditions. For those that will have an issues with the registry you can have the traditional registry. Either way it's your wedding and it should be about what you would like as a couple. I also don't think it's my place to tell you what your priorities should be. I wish you the best!!! I get that everyone has a right to express their opinion, but sometimes these boards are scary.
    Posted by Yohli2012
    DH and I were 40 and 36 respectively when we got married.  A couple of Goodwill stores and a second hand store got some seriously nice donations when we moved in together. This is not a barrier to making a small registry.  3/4 of our guests gave us cash.

    OP's situation is the first time I've heard people IRL saying that HR's are tacky.  It's the rare situation that people will tell you how they really feel instead of saying it's a good idea to your face and then complaining about how rude it is behind your back.  That should give you a clue as to just how appalled they are at the idea of a HR.

    Third, from OP's post, it's pretty clear that their guests want to help them get settled in their new home.  Most of them probably do think that their priorities are out of wack that they are putting a vacation ahead of a new home to replace the one that was destroyed.

    ETA - my brother and SIL did a HR and my parents happily bought several hundred dollars of "gifts" from it instead of giving a check which they did for me and my other brother.  A few months later when my dad found out how HRs work we practically had to peel him off the ceiling.  He's still pissed that he gave money to a company to hand his son a check.
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  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?' : DH and I were 40 and 36 respectively when we got married.  A couple of Goodwill stores and a second hand store got some seriously nice donations when we moved in together. This is not a barrier to making a small registry.  3/4 of our guests gave us cash. OP's situation is the first time I've heard people IRL saying that HR's are tacky.  It's the rare situation that people will tell you how they really feel instead of saying it's a good idea to your face and then complaining about how rude it is behind your back.  That should give you a clue as to just how appalled they are at the idea of a HR. Third, from OP's post, it's pretty clear that their guests want to help them get settled in their new home.  Most of them probably do think that their priorities are out of wack that they are putting a vacation ahead of a new home to replace the one that was destroyed.
    Posted by tldh
    Wow.  Quite frankly, if those in my social circle or family are talking behind my back I'm not sure I care if I'm offending them.
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  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?' : Wow.  Quite frankly, if those in my social circle or family are talking behind my back I'm not sure I care if I'm offending them.
    Posted by kekr0202
    It's not even just talking about you behind your back.  I try not to do that.  But it would leave a bad taste in my mouth, and if I rolled my eyes and declined to attend, you would never know how I felt.  

    And I'm not saying I'd decline over any cash registry, but done in a certain way, I probably would.

  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?' : It's not even just talking about you behind your back.  I try not to do that.  But it would leave a bad taste in my mouth, and if I rolled my eyes and declined to attend, you would never know how I felt.   And I'm not saying I'd decline over any cash registry, but done in a certain way, I probably would.
    Posted by jessicabessica
    Understandable I suppose.  I have yet to attend a wedding where the registry offended me but I have no strong opinions on tradition.

    As I've mentioned in other posts I think taking your social circle and family members into consideration is key when contemplating a non traditional registry.
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  • My husband and I got married in January and we are in our late 30s...we have a lot of stuff already.  We ended up only doing two registries...one for BBB and Deposit a Gfit (DAP).  DAP is essentially an online cash registry but the way you build it is similar to a traditional registry...you list items you want and associate each one with a cost.  If someone wants to contriute, they submit a deposit.  So we were given cash donations towards things like saving for a home, date night at a local restaurant, etc.  I didn't feel weird using it and obviously my guests didn't feel weird contributing since a lot of them did.  I think it's up to you and what you are comfortable with, along with how you think your guests would respond.  Good luck!
    Wedding bliss since January 14, 2012!
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2012
    Sometimes the responses in these posts make me wonder if we're just banging our heads against walls.

    Again - I ask ALL of you - WHY would you register for money though a website that is going to take a portion of that money INSTEAD OF just taking the check of your guests and receiving the whole amount?

    The inability to problem solve here is mind boggling.
  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    Sometimes the responses in these posts make me wonder if we're just banging our heads against walls. Again - I ask ALL of you - WHY would you register for money though a website that is going to take a portion of that money INSTEAD OF just taking the check of your guests and receiving the whole amount? The inability to problem solve here is mind boggling.
    Posted by Joy2611

    Thank you! This is the same thing I keep asking.  Why do people need a gimmicky website to collect money. It is not like guest is buying the actual physical gift, they are just giving the same money they could put in a card.

  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    [QUOTE]It's never polite to ask other people to give you some of their money.  The fact that it's a wedding or shower doesn't change this. It's never polite to ask other people to pay your bills for you - which is what a honeymoon or house registry does.  Other people don't want to pay for someone else to take a vacation or buy them a house. I do think less of friends when they decide it's okay to do this.  Do I tell them so? No, because rudeness on their part doesn't excuse rudeness on mine. I do wonder why, when they know I can't afford to go to Cancun myself, they'd think I'd want to pay for them to do it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Still waiting for someone to answer my question or speak to my point...why is it any different to register for household items?  Merely because that has been tradition?  I personally think it's just as rude.  I could say I'm just as offended to purchase a potholder (or for that matter writing out a check for $20 for potential said potholder) as I would be for $20 toward a half day snorkeling excursion.  Bottom line is if I'm attending a wedding, I probably should care for the couple getting married and trust their judgement.  If not, I don't go.  Pretty simple.

    FYI, my guests aren't paying anything additional for my honeymoon registry.  I'm not sure why everyone keeps getting their panties in a bunch about this.  Not all registries charge.
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  • kekr, the answer to your first question has been gone over again and again on this board.  If I want to buy someone a potholder, or a comforter, or a skillet, etc., there are many items to choose from.  If I want to buy something that they will like, that will go with the rest of their items, and that won't be a duplicate, a registry comes in really handy.  Cash is cash is cash is cash.  Guests don't need to be told how much to give, or even that cash is appreciated (they can figure that one out themselves).  I also trust the judgment of the couple getting married; if I want to give them cash, I trust that they'll use it how they see fit.  I don't need to tell them to put it toward a date night or horseback riding.  

    Another problem with setting up a cash registry as opposed to an item registry is that it can make guests that aren't comfortable giving cash feel badly that they are giving you a boxed gift that, no matter what it is, won't be what you really want, since you set up this whole registry asking for cash.  I would never want to make my friends and family feel that way.  

  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?' :
    Still waiting for someone to answer my question or speak to my point...why is it any different to register for household items?  Merely because that has been tradition?  I personally think it's just as rude.  I could say I'm just as offended to purchase a potholder (or for that matter writing out a check for $20 for potential said potholder) as I would be for $20 toward a half day snorkeling excursion.  Bottom line is if I'm attending a wedding, I probably should care for the couple getting married and trust their judgement.  If not, I don't go.  Pretty simple. FYI, my guests aren't paying anything additional for my honeymoon registry.  I'm not sure why everyone keeps getting their panties in a bunch about this.  Not all registries charge.
    Posted by kekr0202
    Registries were originally created for the benefit of the guests so they they were not duplicating gifts or buying china, silver, etc. in a way that resulted in the bride and groom getting twenty different patterns.  They are a guide, not a list of demands.

    The other way it is different is that if someone buys you a toaster oven, you are getting the toaster oven.  If they buy you a couples massage for your honeymoon, they haven't bought you a damn thing.  They have however bought the HR company a commission.
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    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?' : [QUOTE ]It's never polite to ask other people to give you some of their money.  The fact that it's a wedding or shower doesn't change this. It's never polite to ask other people to pay your bills for you - which is what a honeymoon or house registry does.  Other people don't want to pay for someone else to take a vacation or buy them a house. I do think less of friends when they decide it's okay to do this.  Do I tell them so? No, because rudeness on their part doesn't excuse rudeness on mine. I do wonder why, when they know I can't afford to go to Cancun myself, they'd think I'd want to pay for them to do it. Posted by RetreadBride
    Still waiting for someone to answer my question or speak to my point...why is it any different to register for household items?  Merely because that has been tradition?  I personally think it's just as rude.  I could say I'm just as offended to purchase a potholder (or for that matter writing out a check for $20 for potential said potholder) as I would be for $20 toward a half day snorkeling excursion.  Bottom line is if I'm attending a wedding, I probably should care for the couple getting married and trust their judgement.  If not, I don't go.  Pretty simple. FYI, my guests aren't paying anything additional for my honeymoon registry.  I'm not sure why everyone keeps getting their panties in a bunch about this.  Not all registries charge.
    Posted by kekr0202[/QUOTE]

    People have answered your question repeatedly. It is obvious you have chosen not to understand or accept good explanations and are determined to do what you want regardless of what is advised.

  • Even though so many people are anti-honeymoon-registries on The Knot, my FI and I are doing one, along with a small physical registry. Yes, they do take a fee, but you can be up front about this fact, as gifts given rarely come without fees (shipping, taxes, etc.) There are some really great options out there that take only a very small fee, including Honeymoon Pixie, the registry we're using!

    The fact of the matter is that a wedding or baby shower is probably the only time in your life you'll use any type of registry, so whether or not you would set up a registry like this for your birthday is irrelevant! The key is to be up front with your guests about what your registry is, and then they have the option, as they always do, of giving you whatever they choose - or nothing at all!

    One caution, though: Don't count on a honeymoon registry to fund your entire honeymoon, just like you wouldn't count on wedding gifts to completely outfit your house. You have no idea how your guests will choose to gift you, so you should make sure you can pay for the basics on your own. Guests do love helping you get upgrades and things for your honeymoon, though! At least, ours have loved it so far!
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  • In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?':
    In Response to Re: Why is Cash and honemyoon registeries 'tacky?' : Still waiting for someone to answer my question or speak to my point...why is it any different to register for household items?   Merely because that has been tradition?  I personally think it's just as rude.  I could say I'm just as offended to purchase a potholder (or for that matter writing out a check for $20 for potential said potholder) as I would be for $20 toward a half day snorkeling excursion.  Bottom line is if I'm attending a wedding, I probably should care for the couple getting married and trust their judgement.  If not, I don't go.  Pretty simple. FYI, my guests aren't paying anything additional for my honeymoon registry.  I'm not sure why everyone keeps getting their panties in a bunch about this.  Not all registries charge. Posted by kekr0202
    People have answered your question repeatedly. It is obvious you have chosen not to understand or accept good explanations and are determined to do what you want regardless of what is advised.
    Posted by MNVegas[/QUOTE]

    Just to be clear, I've never asked what others think of honeymoon registries.  I can state my points over and over just as you or anyone else can but that doesn't mean it's fact.  Just because you may disagree does not mean you're right.  No one is RIGHT when it comes to this discussion as it is a matter of opinion which is why I always make a point of posting whenever this subject comes up.  I think some people's opinions on this board are very old fashioned to the point of being archaic and whether you like it or not non-traditional registries aren't going anywhere.  If anything they've picked up momentum. 

    Let me also say I completely see some of the points made (I've said this many times!) and agree that some non traditional registries can be tacky but it depends on the situation and social circle. 
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  • Not all places take a portion of the money as a fee if you register for your honeymoon.  We booked our honeymoon with a travel agent and they actually allow you to register there and if guests choose to pay for the honeymoon then that goes straight on the honeymoon and nothing goes to fees.  We are going to do a small registry and then register at our travel agents office for the honeymoon.  If someone does not want to pay on the honeymoon then they can buy a gift off the registry.  Easy enough. :) 
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