Pre-Marital Counsel?

katanne9 · February 2010

Is anyone else doing it/done it? or thinking about doing it? I know Mutley did Pre-Cana.

Ours is a little complicated. We're meeting with the Pastor of the church we currently attend tonight. Then I think we're going to try to get set up with one of the elders+spouse for regular meetings. Then in March we're going to meet the Pastor who is marrying us (a family friend in NY) and we'll also have a few sessions with him when we're in town.

I'm curious to hear about other peoples experiences.

NcsuPsych · February 2010

DH and I went through it and at first it was a little awkward because our pastor told us out right he would not marry us because we lived together prior to marriage (but it was alright because DH aunt is actually who married us. . we just wanted counseling).

We found it to be very benefical and really got us talking on the same page and thinking about things we hadn't in the past.

I would totally read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman too!

mrs.rab · February 2010

We are not getting hitched in a church, and have yet to decide on who will be marrying us. When we were originally talking about the ceremony, we were going to do his families Catholic Church. Then I told him about the classes and he was not too pleased. That idea went out the window.

But I am actually pretty interested in going to pre-marital counseling. I think we might go to a relationship therapist instead of a pastor, I would really rather not deal with the religion aspect of it.

jeanacorina · February 2010

We always said we would, but it's kind of gotten swept to the side. We don't have a church, the only other places we've seen we would have to pay for. And money is tight (that's a lie, we're doing fine, we just don't want to spend it on counseling when we could spend it on pizza and board games for a couples' game night at our place tomorrow night).

Okay, so I have no excuse. We have our problems, but we have great communication and there is only one problem that I really, honestly think we need help with. It comes up every few months. It's rough. But we've talked about whether it would ever be a deal-breaker, and we both say no. It's just a challenge. But I'd still like to talk to someone about it. I think. Well, I don't really WANT to, but we NEED to.

Anyway, I think counseling is great, and everyone should do it... and I'll probably bring it up again with FI and see if we can get our act together and actually do some.

KD+BC · February 2010

We are doing it but mostly because we have to in order to get married in the Catholic Church. I have heard it's pretty cool. Even though I think we've discussed everything, you never know until you are forced to really talk about it. I'm a big proponent of counselling anyway. I went through a tough time in college (who hasn't right!) and going to see a counselor really helped. She just sat there while I talked it out myself but I wouldn't have been able to do that without her.

paintgirl · February 2010

Does hirng two attorneys to do a pre-nup count?

If not, then we aren't doing pre-marital counseling. I think it's nice but not necessary. I would do it if bf wanted to, but we don't have a church and are unlikely to go pay a counselor.

JenniferB27 · February 2010

My FI and I are going to look into it. We figured that it could only help, not hurt. We don't think we'll get married in a church, so I wonder what other options for counseling are out there.

notquiteblushing · February 2010

We just did precana this weekend. It was good! A little silly since we already live together and have talked about most of the big issues but stil really helpful. It wasn't really religious - which is good because FI and I are different religions - but it focused on conflict resolution, merging families, finances, household chores, etc.

Narwhal · February 2010

BF and I have talked about it. He says he's all for it, and I definitely am, but when the time comes, he'll probably need a little more pushing. Our school provides it for us for free. He'll be an alumnus and I'll probably still be a student when we're doing that (although we're waiting for me to graduate to actually get married) and they have a legit marriage counselor on campus. He isn't ordained, but we do go to a Christian school, so I'm sure religion will be involved with it.

jeanacorina · February 2010

That's neat, Narwhal! I'm going to look that up at my university. Maybe they have something similar. It's not a Christian school, though.

Here's my thing-- I am really hesitent to go the religious route because 1) FI and I are different religions (Catholic and Protestant), 2) We live together and don't have sex (and many people don't believe us, and that would be a major obstacle with counseling), and 3) a lot of priests/preachers here in good ole Louisiana tell couples they shouldn't be living together before marriage and I just have a hard time with that. FI's mom even seems to think he should move home for the next 3 months because we're not married yet.

I just have problems with organized religion, I guess. Personal problems. With the people.

musikbx · February 2010

My boyfriend and I are planning on going to a few sessions of pre-engagement counseling with a psychoanalyst.

I've also read about a thing called "Marriage Success Training" that does couple workshops. I think I read somewhere that they also do private sessions for you and your partner... I haven't looked much into it, because this seems like a post-engagement option, but it seems like an interesting alternative to religion-based counseling.

katanne9 · February 2010

Jeana - it might be about finding the RIGHT counsel if you end up looking at people religiously affiliated. I also went to a Christian school and I know there were all kinds of counseling services offered. We were going to look into it if doing it with our church didn't work out. Maybe it's just different in LA than MA, but I think there would be a lot of people happy to work with you guys.

Narwhal · February 2010

I think that's fascinating that you live together and don't have sex. I don't find it too unbelievable, but I can see how a lot of people would... my parents scoff at the idea of BF and I just going on vacation together because they assume we'll drop trou as soon as we get there.

jeanacorina · February 2010

Yeah, I think it's fascinating too.

lol, I crack myself up. It really is pretty funny when you think about it. We've known each other for 5 1/2 years, lived together for 3. Still no nookie. I'm starting to wonder how to go about it on the wedding night (or whatever night... we could decide tomorrow is a good day, who knows?). We know each other so well, it'll be more awkward than if we had just started dating. lol

Makes me want to sing "Like a Virgin" and dance around the living room.

jeanacorina · February 2010

Can't resist:

But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and newwwwwwwwwwww!

bajediva · February 2010

haha...jeana = hilarious.

BF is currently in a PsyD program, and i think he thinks we won't need counselling because he's a therapist. he claims our communication is great there's no point. regardless, i'd definitely value having a trusted third party weigh in, so i might work on softening him up to the idea.

we'v got some time anyways, but 'til then, i ordered us a great relationship/pre-marital book w/ accompanying guy/girl workbooks to go through. i can't wait to get started. i think it'll be a great way for us to maintain positive growth while we're apart, and ensure that we put enough effort into discussing the crucial things that'll help our marriage work.

paintgirl · February 2010

Jeana - Omg - seriously?? Live together and not having sex? I believe you because it's a bizarre thing to lie about (and why lie online?). But OMG.

Can I tell you that you and Katanne are my heroes? I can't imagine what it takes to wait. I have so much respect for you guys!

paintgirl · February 2010

PS KUI rocks and I should do it more frequently. You two are still my heroes though. Seriously.

jeanacorina · February 2010

LOL, paintgirl.

Yes, it's true. And it would really be a weird thing to lie about. I'm 26 years old. Why the crap would I lie? But some people give us the side-eye when we mention it. Basically, we think it's a good decision for us, so we just clarify when people assume we do. I wish I'd have waited when I was younger..... but I was young and naive and thought every guy was going to marry me.

Anyway, since I'm spilling beans, sex is the one thing that does come up frequently as a point of stress. It's almost like now that we've been together so long, and we're getting married.... all the reasons we were waiting are fading fast. I didn't want to get into another ugly breakup and feel bad about it, we didn't want to risk getting pregnant before we were married (which has still been a big reason but we're also closing in on the "who'd know?" point), and so on.

Every now and then we get frustrated about it. Not that it wasn't a fantastic decision that helped us grow as a couple and get to know each other more completely before just jumping on the sex bandwagon and feeling things that were more rooted in our physical relationship than our emotional connection....

Just that, well................ so....... here we are. Do we keep waiting until the wedding night? (Why would we?) Do we just go ahead and get funky now? (How do we initiate that? It's kind of awkward)

So, anyway. Great decision. Would have been better if we got married like 2 years ago. lol

paintgirl · February 2010

In any case, I can't imagine. Good for you! And it is a bit of a condundrum - continue to wait or just go for it? And if you wait is there all kinds of weird pressure on your wedding night? Sex is a point of stress for us too - but the other way. As in - hey - I'm over here... No really. I'm over here... you wanna come over here??? (Bf all kinds of stressed at work - not great for our sex life - chronic stress leads to chronic fatigue)

Button5807 · February 2010

Jeana not a day goes by that you don't surprise the heck out of me... and it always seems to make me like you more.

tafft1 · February 2010

@Jeana - i personally couldn't imagine such but i think it's awesome you are sticking to your guns as it were. i see no reason to not wait if that's what is important to you - don't let reasons why you haven't in the past affect the present. It shouldn't be awkward , it should be a special thing now and 20 years from now that you both share. Personally i am a VERY sexual person and it's one of many ways i enjoy expressing my devotion and love for another. Then again i am not the run of the mill girl either.

i don't think you should second guess yourself but also if something does happen before the wedding it shouldn't impact you negatively either , i mean you two are commited to each other and enjoying such - it's not as if you are not gettig any at home and running off with some random person. It should happen naturally , not be forced or feel weird. Just go with what you feel is right and i can't stress enough how vital communication even about sex is. Good luck with whatever you both choose

**Mutley** · February 2010

Since I've already preached about my love for Pre-Cana, I don't have a lot to add. Our priest and pre-Cana couple knew that we lived together, and probably assumed (correctly) that we were getting it on.

However, I found this interesting regarding waiting on sex...

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confessions-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:031a2334-1d1e-4175-ae25-c6f884a09cb5Post:7f6e0e1a-1028-4e70-835f-ac4497f939c7">Re: Confessions.</a>:
[QUOTE]I admitted yesterday during the "First Time" poll that we'd waited til marriage.

What I left out was that if we could do it all over again, we wouldn't wait. It's something that's been entirely too stressful, during an otherwise really happy time of our lives.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

Everyone needs to do what is right for them in their relationship. I could not have waited until marriage because sexual compatibility is very important to me. (And I am a physical proof type of person.)

My confession... I miss sex. We haven't gotten it on since Christmas. Stupid sickness and fatigue. Come on 2nd tri, boost my energy.

PaigeMcC · February 2010

Jeana - you amaze me. Personally, I agree with the other ladies, I couldn't do what you're doing but I think it's great that you two have made that decision.

jeanacorina · February 2010

Haha, thanks for the support, chicks. But Mutley that quote really seems like what I'm going through. It's getting to be something that's more stressful than it should be. We only have 3 months to go before the wedding... and it really does feel like that's putting a lot of pressure on the wedding night. I can't really imagine that we'll wait until then.

It's the one thing I think we WOULD need counseling for (actually NEED, nothing to do with the fact I think it's a good idea regardless). Maybe I need to talk to a sex therapist, not a counselor. "Dear Dr. Sue, how do I initiate sex with my fiance? I forgot how it works."

Candle light? Rose petals? Boyz II Men music? It was way easier when I was a crazy teenager without a care in the world.

I think most of the props should go to my FI. He's never had sex, and still thinks it must be like the most awesome thing in the world. I'd rather eat chocolate cake.

So his patience has been tested a lot more than mine. I can eat chocolate cake any old time.

PaigeMcC · February 2010

Boyz II Men is the key. FOR SURE!

lol

Button5807 · February 2010

Should I make a "we did it" button that you can slyly add to your signature when the time comes?

PaigeMcC · February 2010

LOL

jeanacorina · February 2010

Yep, that's what I figure.

edit- Button that's so klassy.

**Mutley** · February 2010

Jeanna, if you feel immensely stressed about it, I would sit down with your FI and just talk about it. You might feel better if you get it all out.
What are your expectations? What are his? What kind of pressures do each of you feel? Maybe the two of you get to the point where you don't want to wait anymore. That doesn't mean you have to do it right then and there or that it has to be this HUGE deal. If it were me in this situation, I would let FI know that when the time feels right he can initiate or that I might initiate some point in the future.
I think that when two people build anything up the reality can be a let down. When you throw sex and love into the mix, I think it gets very complicated.

It is ten million times easier to have sex with someone you don't love because it doesn't matter. However, when you love that person, you have certain expectations for yourself or for him. Let go. He loves you. You love him.

I wonder if there are any books/articles that you could get to help you through this. I have no doubt that with or without counselor, book or anything else the two of you will get to the other side of this issue. It WILL be better than okay in the future.

jeanacorina · February 2010

Thanks, Mutley. I think that we do have inflated expectations, or maybe I just perceive that we do.

After all, he's been waiting his whole life. It's kind of a big deal. I'm sure that he doesn't mean to put pressure on me, but it's like........ he thinks it's going to be the greatest thing ever. And..... it's just sex. And I'm kind of worried he'll be disappointed in some aspect of it, whether it's himself or me... or anything.

He tends to take things really hard when he has such big expectations (which happens a lot... he's an optimist to a fault).

Who needs to pay for counseling when you've got NEY?

Sorry we turned your thread into a discussion about my (non-)sex life, katanne. lol

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