cold feet

gulfcoastie · October 2012

My fiance and I have been engaged since October of 2011 and our wedding is supposed to be on December 15 of this year. Today, he told me that he is having cold feet. We talked for a long time and he says that he is not confused about whether or not he loves me. He is nervous and afraid that at some time in the future his feelings could possibly change and he does not want to hurt me.

I told him that, in my opinion, getting married doesn't mean that you're never nervous or doubtful, it's just making an agreement that you will always do everything you can to work out the issues.

here's my question (and he wants to know, too): is it okay to have cold feet? what does it necessarily mean? did my response make sense?

Thanks for your input.

Calypso1977 · October 2012

i think cold feet is normal if its really cold feet. genuine doubt is a whole other story, and those feelings should not be ignored.

its tough, becuase you can love a person very much but that doesnt necessarily mean you can be married to them or that a marriage can work. love, in my opinion, really isnt enough.

Ali092011 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:c6a87847-38e8-4c77-a800-40e211a1ba62">cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been engaged since October of 2011 and our wedding is supposed to be on December 15 of this year. Today, he told me that he is having cold feet. We talked for a long time and he says that he is not confused about whether or not he loves me. He is nervous and afraid that at some time in the future his feelings could possibly change and he does not want to hurt me. <strong>I told him that, in my opinion, getting married doesn't mean that you're never nervous or doubtful, it's just making an agreement that you will always do everything you can to work out the issues.</strong> here's my question (and he wants to know, too): is it okay to have cold feet? what does it necessarily mean? did my response make sense? Thanks for your input.
Posted by gulfcoastie[/QUOTE]

Eh, I see what you mean, but I'm not sure I agree. H and I were nervous a lot before the wedding, but we were nervous about sticking to budget, finding the right vendors, getting everything done on time, etc. Being nervous about whether or not you should marry a person is probably not the best sign.

I agree that part of your marriage vows are that you will be patient and respectful and always try to work things out. However, going into a marriage <em>already</em> having things that you haven't worked out... well, again, not the best sign.

No relationship is perfect, but the foundations need to be strong. There should be no doubt that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. In my experience, when a guy told me he was hesitant to get serious because he was "afraid of hurting me," it usually meant he just wasn't that into me.

This is just my opinion and should be taken as such. I am not trying to make you feel bad, but if I were you, I'd postpone the wedding until you've figured out what is causing his cold feet and whether or not it can be fixed before you walk down the aisle.

maggieandrey · October 2012

It's TOTALLY normal. And I think your response makes perfect sense.

FWIW, I never had any doubts the first time I got married. I was 100% sure he and I were meant to be, and that made me blind to a lot of our issues that any normal person would have regarded as major and prevented the marriage from happening. Which made it even more horrificly painful when it didn't work out and he didn't want to even put any effort into our relationship.

Some days I feel like I'm crazy to go through this all again when it ended so badly the first time. But my fiance and I are honest with each other, and realize people grow and change, and we know we want to do that together. I think the way you put it is perfect - you're agreeing that you will always work it out when issues arise, and inevitably they will!

StephBeanWed61502 · October 2012

If what your FI is feeling is a vague sort of "I can envision or imagine some set of circumstances that may or may not arise at some point in the future that could cause me to not want to be married anymore," I think that's within the realm of "normal" cold feet, and happens to a lot of people. If, however, what he is feeling or thinking is a specific "I don't want to be married because of X" then I think you both may have a more serious problem on your hands. Premarital counseling or individual counseling for your FI would help sort this out.

CALEO · October 2012

Okay - I have a different view, having been in a similar situation. (BF and I dated for three years, he was all you're the one, we talked about having kids, buying a house, getting married etc. (we lived together) and then one day (after about a month of acting a little weird) he tells me he's not sure if he ever wants to get married, have kids or buy a house. He says "I love you and I see myself dating you indefinitely, but I'm not sure I want all that other stuff."

He wanted to talk it through, try counseling, etc and so we did for about a month but in my heart of hearts I already knew.

He knew I wanted to get married. He knew that not wanting to get married could be a deal breaker for me. He felt strongly enough about it (having doubts) that he told me even though he knew that that might be the end. For me that was enough. He wasn't 100% committed or sure. I did not want to spend the rest of my life CONVINCING someone to marry me or looking over my shoulder and worrying if they were having second thoughts.

I met my current boyfriend right after and it seriously could not have worked out better. He is THE one. There is no doubt in my mind, and as importantly, no doubt in his. I know we will get married, I know we will both work hard at our relationship, I know his number one goal in life is to have a healthy and happy family.

I would say look really closely at your FI's behavior. Some things to consider (be honest with yourself!):

Did you pressure (even lightly) him into proposing? Who came up with the idea first? You?

Is your FI a people pleaser? Men who don't like to rock the boat, fight, or just generally like to please people are more likely to get in over their heads in a relationship and then try to get out with an "I'm not sure...." excuse. Remember, he's not trying to break up with you, these types of guys want you to break up with them.

Are you putting more in than you get back?

And finally - what do YOU want? Can you live with your FI if you do get married and know he is concerned that one day he will wake up and you won't be the one anymore?

GOOD luck! I wish you nothing but the best!

stantokm · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:c6a87847-38e8-4c77-a800-40e211a1ba62">cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been engaged since October of 2011 and our wedding is supposed to be on December 15 of this year. Today, he told me that he is having cold feet. We talked for a long time and he says that he is not confused about whether or not he loves me. <strong>He is nervous and afraid that at some time in the future his feelings could possibly change and he does not want to hurt me.</strong> I told him that, in my opinion, getting married doesn't mean that you're never nervous or doubtful, it's just making an agreement that you will always do everything you can to work out the issues. here's my question (and he wants to know, too): is it okay to have cold feet? what does it necessarily mean? did my response make sense? Thanks for your input.
Posted by gulfcoastie[/QUOTE]

If you view marriage as a lifelong committment and intend to do whatever it takes to work on your relationship, make sure that he feels the same. The implication that I'm getting is that if things get hard and he doesn't feel like he's in love with you anymore, he's going to bail or "hurt" you. From what I've heard and read, there will be times when you don't love each other...maybe not even LIKE each other. But couples can get past those times and strengthen their marriage if they're both committed to not giving up.

If he's planning on bailing when things get rough, it's better to end things now rather than get divorced later. As PPs have said, a little bit of cold feet (nerves about making a huge life change) is perfectly normal--serious doubts aren't.

Leenie10 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:c6a87847-38e8-4c77-a800-40e211a1ba62">cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been engaged since October of 2011 and our wedding is supposed to be on December 15 of this year. Today, he told me that he is having cold feet. We talked for a long time and he says that he is not confused about whether or not he loves me. <strong>He is nervous and afraid that at some time in the future his feelings could possibly change and he does not want to hurt me.</strong> I told him that, in my opinion, getting married doesn't mean that you're never nervous or doubtful, it's just making an agreement that you will always do everything you can to work out the issues. here's my question (and he wants to know, too): is it okay to have cold feet? what does it necessarily mean? did my response make sense? Thanks for your input.
Posted by gulfcoastie[/QUOTE]

I feel for you. This must be very difficult. I think the bolded information is enough to consider postponing the wedding until he knows for sure that he wants to get married 100%.

Calypso1977 · October 2012

i think what makes tehse conversations so hard is that there is so much pressure around a long awaited, already planned out (and paid for) wedding that people often tend to brush off what really might be serious concerns or doubts as cold feet becuase they dont want the embarrassment of a canceled wedding. i think it can really cloud judgement.

my friend told me that on his wedding day, standing at the altar he KNEW it was a mistake. however, he put it best when he said "reality is not like the movies, when people say "i don't' and do the right thing and walk away". sadly, they divorced 10 months later (although he is now happily remarried) and i know the whole thing still bothers him.

your FI needs to know that its ok to be honest and you have to not try to dismiss what may be legit feelings out of your own fear that things might implode in teh 11th hour (i know, easier said than done!). as much as it may hurt both of you for him to leave you now or postpone, it will hurt worse if he leaves you AFTER the wedding, not to mention the financial effects a divorce can have and the messy entanglements it can create, particularly if children are involved.

Ali092011 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:e9370e2d-3aeb-4660-9403-145c252a9381">Re: cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]i think what makes tehse conversations so hard is that there is so much pressure around a long awaited, already planned out (and paid for) wedding that people often tend to brush off what really might be serious concerns or doubts as cold feet becuase they dont want the embarrassment of a canceled wedding. i think it can really cloud judgement. my friend told me that on his wedding day, standing at the altar he KNEW it was a mistake. however, he put it best when he said "reality is not like the movies, when people say "i don't' and do the right thing and walk away". sadly, they divorced 10 months later (although he is now happily remarried) and i know the whole thing still bothers him. your FI needs to know that its ok to be honest and you have to not try to dismiss what may be legit feelings out of your own fear that things might implode in teh 11th hour (i know, easier said than done!). as much as it may hurt both of you for him to leave you now or postpone, it will hurt worse if he leaves you AFTER the wedding, not to mention the financial effects a divorce can have and the messy entanglements it can create, particularly if children are involved.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

All of that is a huge concern. Canceling or postponing can be really embarrassing, as Calypso said, but she's right. Better to do it now than to watch the marriage fall apart before your eyes.

My mom confided in me that both times she was married, she knew AT THE WEDDING that she was making a mistake. Her first marriage happened when she was nineteen and she only married her husband to get out of her parents' house and be independent. The second marriage only happened, she says, because she'd reached thirty and realized she needed to find "the one" NOW if she wanted to have children (thanks for that, Mom).

Obviously, you want to be sure that this is what BOTH of you want before you get married.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

It can be normal or it can not be normal, like many have said. On the normal side, with everything going on in your lives and things changing, I think a certain amount of nervousness/worry is normal for some. For example, I have a tendency to get SUPER emotional and blow things out of proportion. This summer has been non-stop for us and we haven't had time to relax and enjoy our normal, sitting around on the couch playing sorry, kind of lives. Which has been tiring. And has led to some fighting over stupid stuff like dishes and getting printer ink and blah blah blah. And I can't lie and say I haven't had "what the heck am I doing, I don't even like this guy right now?!?" moments (what with the super emotionalness and stuff). BUT they're just that - they're moments. When I sit down, calm myself, and think through my fears about 20 minutes later, I realize they're all irrational fears and due to my stress and wanting to just have my life settle down a bit. I've noticed that whenever I've had these "cold feet" moments in our relationship, it's when my life is insane - finishing a masters degree, moving across the country without a job...doing the reverse move (still without a job). I think that intense change can make you get nerves and, like you said, it's fine as long as, deep down, you're still committed, sure, and willing to work out any issues.

BUT if your fiance is these thoughts, sitting down, calming down, thinking rationally, and STILL isn't sure he wants to marry you, then maybe you should postpone and get some counselling. Because then it's not just stress and busy-ness and that sort of thing. Then it might be indicative of some true doubts he's having about your relationship or your future prospects and those really need to be weeded out before you make a commitment this big. As a PP said, you don't want to come to terms with this AFTER you're married, have kids, etc and have to go through a messy divorce.

Cortney1982 · October 2012

I wouldn't marry somebody who wasn't sure they wanted me forever.

bridalmarch · October 2012

Are you doing any pre marriage counseling? It might be helpful to bring this up to your priest or officiant.

If not, you may want to make an appointment with a counselor or therapist just to talk things through. Nothing shameful about finding someone to talk to. Any life change (even good ones) can be stressful. FI and I saw a family therapist when we found out I was pregnant, before I had our daughter, when we got engaged , and we'll have another session before the wedding in addition to the sessions we have with our priest. We aren't having second thoughts, but there are things like money, family, parenting, etc that should be addressed before you marry, and the major life change you're making should be one of them.

Leenie10 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:bc20313b-6668-4540-8fe5-7dceccec2c5a">Re: cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cold feet : Really? So someone who doesn't think they will just wake up one morning and not be in love with you anymore is who you should be worried about? Based on what? <strong>There is a big difference between Love not being enough to sustain a marriage alone and not being sure if you are in love. One is a realistic view of life, but the whole being in love thing is what makes you TRY during the bad times rather than just walking away. If you aren't sure that part exists, you have no business getting married.
</strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with this.Long before I met FI, I loved someone who also loved me but we did not share the same relationship goal (in a nutshell, I wanted to get married and he didn't). I never regret having called it quits as painful as it was, because I knew I deserved to have someone who wanted to love me forever. Now I have that, and there is nothing like it.

That said, there can be nerves about the ceremony, about the wedding going well, about saying the right thing at the right time, etc., etc. but doubts about getting married/being in it for the long haul are a whole different thing. Don't worry about how it looks, postpone and give yourselves time to make sure it is right.

MrsGandthebeag · October 2012

It sounds like he wants out. I would definitely postpone the wedding, get counseling and then decide.

curiousgeorgette · October 2012

First things first: DON'T freak out!!!! This really sucks and you can't just pretend it's not a problem or ignore it, BUT this doesn't necessarily mean it is the end!!! The good news is that he is bringing up these concerns BEFORE the wedding!!! I think that that is a good sign in it of itself because you guys are not just sweeping things under the rug.

I can talk to you from the other side..... I got MAJOR MAJOR cold feet about a month ago!!! I saw my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend and had this horrible awful jealous feeling and started freaking out that I was marrying the wrong person......I tried to keep it inside for awhile and even came to this board for help before I realized that it's really tough to get advice from people when they don't know you or your fiance and they only know the very specific stuff that you post on these boards (though I appreciate the good intentions)!!!

Finally I talked to my parents and some of my good friends.....friends who had known me for a long time but didn't know my fiance, friends who knew me and my fiance.....and of course my fiance himself!!! I realized that he really makes my life better day to day and that I had unrealistic expectations. I wanted some fairlytale ending and it was making me see all of the things that were bad about my fiance and ignore the good stuff!!! I wanted to feel like I was marrying THE ONE, but the reality is I don't think there is a "THE ONE" for me......just a man who really loves me, is proud of me when I do well, someone I like spending time with and who I can have long conversations with.....someone who is very compatible with me in terms of values and finances and wanting kids and all of the IMPORTANT stuff!!!

I put wedding planning on hold for a few weeks while I figured this all out but in the end I felt MUCH MUCH better and more secure.......it was tough for awhile because he was really hurt that I wasn't sure about marrying him and he got kinda distant. But I can understand that!! And we did talk seriously about certain things we need to work on.......we can both be SUPER stubborn and like to argue so we printed off "Fair Fighting Rules" and we are trying really hard to stick with them.....and things have gotten a LOT better.... but we still have a lot of work ahead of us!! And that's OK

Anyway I know that everyone's situation is different and it's true that cold feet might be a sign that something is truly wrong and you and he shouldn't ignore that!! But I just wanted to throw in my two cents that it isn't always doom and gloom and if you are really honest with each other and figure out where the feelings are coming from and work as a team to fix whatever is wrong then you can be OK and your relationship will be stronger for it!!!

[Deleted User] · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:d45b9c53-947a-4105-a38c-f2562a188eeb">Re:cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Now, DH and I were together for 6 years before getting married, so keep that in mind when readin my answer, but honestly, I could not marry someone who wasn't at least relatively confident that he was going to love me forever. I get cold feet over things like "my whole life is going to change", "what if I can't live up to his/her expectations", etc. But "I'm not certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with you" IS doubt about the relationship, and while it isn't an automatic death sentence to a relationship, I don't think it's a good way to enter into a marriage either. Personally, I'd at least postpone the wedding and get into some couple's counseling.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm in the same boat here, because we are coming up on 6 years together. So, again, that colors my judgment most likely, but I, too, would NOT marry someone I had to be on my best bahavior for and convince to marry me.</div><div>
</div><div>And to those saying "cold feet is a totally normal thing," I disagree. I don't think it's normal at all. I think it HAPPENS. But I don't think it's "normal," if that makes sense.</div><div>
</div><div>I have no fear that things will change. None. Realistically, I know it can. I know you "never know." But. I've never had doubts in the 6 years we've been together. And if I did, we would not be getting married.

</div>

curiousgeorgette · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:c6a87847-38e8-4c77-a800-40e211a1ba62">cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been engaged since October of 2011 and our wedding is supposed to be on December 15 of this year. Today, he told me that he is having cold feet. We talked for a long time and he says that he is not confused about whether or not he loves me. He is nervous and afraid that at some time in the future his feelings could possibly change and he does not want to hurt me. I told him that, in my opinion, getting married doesn't mean that you're never nervous or doubtful, it's just making an agreement that you will always do everything you can to work out the issues. here's my question (and he wants to know, too): is it okay to have cold feet? what does it necessarily mean? did my response make sense? Thanks for your input.
Posted by gulfcoastie[/QUOTE]

<div>Also look for "cold feet" on TK for old posts......there are a few old posts from WAY back when that made me feel a lot better......I feel like a lot of people recently are super inclined to say "well this sounds bad, better break up with him now" and that wasn't the case in some of the older posts!!! Also read TK article on cold feet; it made me feel like things weren't all hopeless :) :)</div>

DramaGeek · October 2012

The thing is, marriage is scary. Any major life change is scary. I freaked out when I decided to go to a different high school than my friends. I took forever to choose a college and then had a freak out session after making a decision. And yes, I got scared about getting married.

For me, when I thought about it on a day to day basis, it was fine. It was thinking about the fact that this was the person I'd be with FOR.EV.ER. that was scary. Not because I didn't love him - I did, and do - but because, well, thinking that far into the future is hard and scary.

I know my mom got cold feet 3 weeks before their wedding. They've been married 42 years and are very happy. H and I are celebrating 10 years in December and are very happy. But as others have pointed out, there's a difference between general "ah, life change, scary!" cold feet and "I'm not sure I want to marry YOU/I don't know if I want to live with YOU forever" cold feet.

Sharpschruter22 · October 2012

In Response to Re:cold feet:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: cold feet:It is a fact that people change over time and some people do stop loving each other. It sounds like what is going on is normal. You should have reservations about marrying him if he wasn't nervous. If someone refuses to see that in the future there might be problems then that person probably has unrealistic expectations of marriage. It is a good sign that you both are comfortable enough with each other to be open and honest about this topic. Your response to him was correct.nbsp;Posted by Klu007Really? nbsp;So someone who doesn't think they will just wake up one morning and not be in love with you anymore is who you should be worried about? nbsp;Based on what?There is a big difference between Love not being enough to sustain a marriage alone and not being sure if you are in love. nbsp;One is a realistic view of life, but the whole being in love thing is what makes you TRY during the bad times rather than just walking away. nbsp;If you aren't sure that part exists, you have no business getting married. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Well said.

zantster · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:c6a87847-38e8-4c77-a800-40e211a1ba62">cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Today, he told me that he is having cold feet. We talked for a long time and he says that he is not confused about whether or not he loves me. He is nervous and afraid that at some time in the future his feelings could possibly change and he does not want to hurt me. I told him that, in my opinion, getting married doesn't mean that you're never nervous or doubtful, it's just making an agreement that you will always do everything you can to work out the issues.Posted by gulfcoastie[/QUOTE]

Your response appeared to downplay his concerns and focus on the marriage.
It is possible that he has had these thoughts for quite a while but felt he had all the time in the world to figure out how to broach the topic with you.

It is very important that you make sure your FI knows that you appreciate him being candid and honest with you and that since marriage only works if both people are ready and want the same thing at the same time that no matter what you will be fine and do not want him to do anything that he is not 100% sure of. Instead you want both of you to be happy and will not be angry at him or think he's a bad person if he is not ready.

He needs to know that you will not only be ok but will be healthy and happy in your life if this wedding doesn't happen because whether he wants the marriage or not I'm sure he cares about your well being. When he knows that you will be alright no matter what and the pressure is lifted off of him then his response will speak volumes about what he truly wants and will help you will know if this wedding should happen. He may eventually thank you profusely and confess that he's not ready or happily thank you and go full steam ahead towards December with no doubts.

The main issue is that he needs to be pushing for the marriage as much if not more so than you. His words and his actions need to be crystal clear in this regard. It's perfectly fine if he sweats a bit as his he puts on his tuxedo and gets teased by the best man. But that's moreso about the gravity of the change and not about you. If either his actions or his words or both do not communicate a 100% desire to have you become his wife NOW let it go and accept that it is not a good fit. Him saying I love you does not mean he wants to marry you. They are not the same thing. It will take strength and courage but you can do this.

stantokm · October 2012

I talked to my FH about this post last night. He basically agreed with what I had already posted in response, but he added that it sounds like your guy has way more than a case of cold feet. He also said that he didn't propose to me until he knew 100% that he wanted to marry me, so I think that's something to dicuss with your FH. Is this a new feeling or has he felt this way for a long time? Did he 100% want to marry you when he proposed or was he uncertain then? Those answers might help you both determine how serious his cold feet are.

I agree with the PP who said that pre-marital counseling is helpful. No one wants to give up on a long, serious relationship, but couples often need an unbiased moderator. It may be that your FH is just nervous about marriage in general and not marriage to you specifically and talking to someone might help him evaluate those feelings better.

Calypso1977 · October 2012

Did he 100% want to marry you when he proposed or was he uncertain then?

this is a good point, particularly since we dont know the backstory. i know alot of people who get engaged (not saying this is OP, we dont know) who do so because the girl pressures them for a ring, gives ultimatums, etc.

zantster · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:5e2a35c6-9f05-4767-9610-8013c5d43197">Re: cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE] I agree with the PP who said that pre-marital counseling is helpful. No one wants to give up on a long, serious relationship, but couples often need an unbiased moderator. It may be that your FH is just nervous about marriage in general and not marriage to you specifically and talking to someone might help him evaluate those feelings better.
Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

I think counseling may work for a couple if their relationship has some specific cracks in its foundation e.g. money, communication, etc., and if both truly want to go and fix them without any sense of pressure. It's a delicate balance though because if without intending it OP makes her FI feel like she's suggesting that something is wrong with him for feeling what he does (there isn't) and they need a shrink it could backfire and cause resentment. I'm also a bit wary of anything that can seem to be trying to fix something that may not be broken but simply be something she would prefer not be happening. Either way, the clock is ticking and things may need to be pushed back if this lingers so he doesn't feel like he has to hurry up with this decision, which will be one of the biggest of their lives.

gulfcoastie · October 2012

Thanks everyone for the help. We discussed it more and I brought up some of the points that y'all made. He said that his feelings have not changed since he proposed. He was then and is now 100% sure that he wants to be with me and commit to me. He said that he feels like his nerves are coming from the fact that this is such a huge life change.

This makes me feel a lot better knowing that he is not nervous about me. Heck, I'm nervous about such a big life change too. We are going to discuss this at our next premarital meeting with my priest, but FH says that he feels much better now that we have talked about it and he let it out.

curiousgeorgette · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:36faa377-770d-4862-880e-f0577ddaad94">Re:cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh for the love of Tony Kushner, show me where a SINGLE poster in this thread has advised OP to break up with her FI right now. You are seriously becoming 6 kinds of annoying. Your know it all attitude coupled with generally bad advice is a liability. I'm sorry if you didn't get the advice you wanted back in the day, but we're telling her to do the same dammed thing you claim you did, with the exception of suggesting she might want to do it in concert with a professional counselor.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Hey, I'm really sorry that my post came across the way it did :( :( I honestly didn't mean to belittle other posters' responses with mine but now that I read over my post I can see why it seemed like I was. I think there was a lot of GREAT advice given and that seeing a counselor is a great idea!!! And I was pretty hypersensitive when I was dealing with cold feet so I am sure I interpreted peoples' advice much more negatively than it was meant. So I apologize for that, I really didn't mean to sound as though I was complaining about anyone or putting anyone down.</div><div>
</div><div>Having said that.....your response was pretty hurtful to me, and I think the personal attack was pretty uncalled for! If you don't like my advice, you don't have to take it. Bottom line what I was trying to say is: I don't think cold feet is necessarily a sign that something is terribly wrong, but I do think it is a sign that you need to talk with your fiance/fiancee about your feelings and explore why you feel that way. I'm sorry if that didn't come across.</div><div>
</div><div>OP: I'm really glad you talked with your fiance and things are going better :) :) I wish the best of luck to both of you!!</div>

emeejeeayen · October 2012

In my personal experience, my female friends spend a lot more time really envisioning what marriage means than my male friends do. They picture the children, they picture the house, they picture cleaning the house and picking up after the kids. I think sometimes guys aren't faced with everything that marriage and a wedding entails until it's smacking them in the face. (I'm sure that's not the case for all men/women, just my experience.)

I think PPs have addressed this, but I think you need to find out if marriage has taken on a new meaning for him since you got engaged or if he's actually doubting the strength of his feelings for you.

I was watching some stupid doctor show the other day, and it hit me: whoa, after we're married, if FI gets in a car crash I would be the one to decide what happens medically. It would be my signature they'd look for.

I think being worried about those sorts of things is entirely normal. But you need to figure out exactly what he's worried about, and so does he. I second couple's counseling.

curiousgeorgette · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:adad2fe8-beb7-49ea-8780-8f1e8f8421cf">Re:cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:cold feet : If you are hurt that easily by being called out for flat-out misrepresenting the truth of what PPs had advised, I would suggest maybe taking a break from the internet.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This is completely unfair. My point was that when I was having doubts about the wedding, I felt as though the advice I got erred on the side of "if you're really worried about the marriage, then don't bother." I admit that I was vulnerable and probably overly sensitive, but the truth is I felt alone and scared and wanted some support and did not feel as though I got much empathy on this site.

tI won't be taking a break from the internet, but I will be unsubscribing from theknot. This is supposed to be a supportive place, and StageManager, although I'm pretty sure you think of yourself as someone who is a "straight talker," you are actually quite mean in the way you go about it. I am sorry that my post seemed to belittle other commenters, and that truly is not what I intended, but your previous comment to me was quite rude. I'm sorry you seem to think that I am simply someone who can't handle criticism and feel bad for you if you cannot understand why your comment was rude and mean.

Ali092011 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25b618e-3608-46e8-97e4-6990b0223393Post:31393509-831c-440c-a5ef-3af490f3bc14">Re: cold feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the help. We discussed it more and I brought up some of the points that y'all made. He said that his feelings have not changed since he proposed. He was then and is now 100% sure that he wants to be with me and commit to me. He said that he feels like his nerves are coming from the fact that this is such a huge life change. This makes me feel a lot better knowing that he is not nervous about me. Heck, I'm nervous about such a big life change too. We are going to discuss this at our next premarital meeting with my priest, but FH says that he feels much better now that we have talked about it and he let it out.
Posted by gulfcoastie[/QUOTE]

That is good news! I'm glad things seems to be working themselves out. Sometimes when strong emotions are involved, people get a little lost for words and end up saying something that sounds worse than what they meant. Regardless, I'm glad you have a priest to guide you through things. Good luck!

cold feet

Re: cold feet

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