In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:5352a240-655a-4a38-948b-59e636f2efe5">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I think Pre-Marital counseling would be very helpful. When FI and I had our talk and boy it was a big one, lots of crying on both parts happened. I finally told him, "I don't want you to choose between them and me, but I want to feel like you''ve got my back that you'll stand by me if it ever comes to that. I took the ring off and told him I couldn't live that way, we were able to work things out and I truly hope and pray that you guys will to, because at the least he needs to be willing to see that you're not the bad guy.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:5352a240-655a-4a38-948b-59e636f2efe5">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
This is not healthy communication. I would halt any and all planning for both the engagement party and wedding until you go to counseling. Sometimes I think counseling gets thrown out too much around here, but he can't even talk to you when he doesn't agree with you. That's not healthy, and not fair.
If you make an ultimatum he has to listen to you. You have to be willing to walk away though if this doesn't get better. No one deserves to feel like a second class citizen in their marriage.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:5352a240-655a-4a38-948b-59e636f2efe5">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. <strong> Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.</strong> Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
No, I'm sorry, that's not even at the margin of being OK. You don't deserve this. You want this to work as a relationship, your FI wants to impress and quell his family.
These two situations can't co-exist if you're miserable. If he won't go to therapy/counseling with you, I hope you go solo. This is NOT an OK situation. It's actually--in his way--abusive. You say something he doesn't like, so he shuts down and excludes you from his world, and you sound like you're always on the "I'll give in" end of decisions. Not alright, at all.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:c4d3e4f5-35bb-4129-b1f1-ffeec5b5b640">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : OP, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, at all. But if your FI doesn't have your back in discussions with/about his family, he's setting you up for a world of hurt. You will ALWAYS come in second, or third, or fourth, or wherever he feels like placing you after his family. You're not starting a competition, you want the same respect from him that he gives his family. I realize this invite/engagement party has nothing to do with true etiquette issues. It's an issue with his family and him. Your FI should have your back. You are getting married, and he needs to make a separation here. I've been there, and it stinks beyond measure. I ended my a relationship before my now FI because he never had my back. All I heard was "blood is thicker than water", and even when his sister literally tried to fight me (not with me, she actually took a swing at me), he still said he had to side with her cause she's family. I exited, stage right. Not saying that you're in that situation,but if he's not looking out for you now, when will he? Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
<div>You're 100% right about everything. And the fact that she tried to take a swing at you is horrible, and even worse that he sided with her. </div><div> </div><div>I recognize your situation as my own (minus the violence... thankfully), and that scares me quite a bit!</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:5352a240-655a-4a38-948b-59e636f2efe5">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Definitely think about some kind of counseling. Our pre-cana (required by the church) included some stuff on how to 'fight' productively and we learned that the silent treatment (which I was quilty of occassionally) can be just as unproductive and destructive as screaming.
He needs to be on your side 100% of the time. Of course you two will disagree sometimes, but then you need to figure it out between the two of you before involving either family - to his parents and yours and to everyone else you need to have a united front. I really wish you the best of luck with this. Perhaps if you make him realize that this is a dealbreaker for you he'll take it more seriously.
Andra, I rarely come out of lurking on the E board, but this is the 3rd post I've seen from you where you think you have an IL problem that's really an FI problem. It looks like you've tried to talk to him since the last time you posted, but he's still not hearing it. Have you asked him about pre-marital counseling?
I'm sure he'll try to pull the "You're trying to make me choose between you two" line again, at which point my advice would be to tell him to go ahead and choose for the rest of his life - them or you. And then at least you'll know for sure where you stand.
Although, my honest opinion, is that YOU should decide whether or not you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, because you've already had issue after issue with his family and he has always chosen them. It will never go back to the time when you two were dating and the family wasn't involved because you're about to be a part of his family. And I think you deserve better than this.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:3e78600f-6ad7-48ed-a51b-4a2528423ccb">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : You're 100% right about everything. And the fact that she tried to take a swing at you is horrible, and even worse that he sided with her. I recognize your situation as my own (minus the violence... thankfully), and that scares me quite a bit! Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Feel free to PM me at any time. I don't want to be right about anything here, but I see all too much in what you're describing on here as stuff I've lived. I'd do anything to get those 2 years back, they were not healthy years for me. They taught me a lot, and it was a hard lesson. Some people have no spine on their own, but that doesn't mean that you need to be part of their lives.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:439d724e-ab53-4de9-83d4-2e26f92443a9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I feel so badly for you. I really do, this isn't healthy. I hope you realize they're the ones with issues, not you. Your issue lies in a FI that doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family with, and it's hurting you. Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
<div>It's not healthy, for anyone. It's ruining all sorts of relationships, and straining everyone. </div><div> </div><div>Realistically, I think that even though they were the ones that started with major issues, I'm becoming like them. I feel like at first I kept trying to be the bigger person, and now part of me just wants to say "screw you" and not do anything for them anymore. I feel like I can't take giving up bits of myself for their entertainment anymore.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:3e92c64b-5d31-4543-95d2-8da8c065144f">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's not a good sign. I'm really not trying to be a Debbie Downer here. Maybe you guys could try couples therapy? Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
<div>No worries about me thinking you're a Debbie Downer, all your points are very valid and I hope you know that I am really considering absolutely everything. In one of my previous posts on here, someone recommended couples therapy, and he's completely against it. I took psychology and I work in the field, and he seems to think that the therapist and I would gang up against him or that I'd try to pull some tricks. Counselling isn't even the field I work in, though.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:2365182b-a8e6-4b36-b09f-e8b6eeb27550">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Thanks, Mari0225, for letting me know that I can PM you about these things. I try not to tell my girlfriends anything about this because I don't want gossip floating back to his family's ears and then they'd have more against me. The one time we brought up that we'll be our own family, fmil was quick to point out that "brothers and family are forever, wives are temporary", and that even if i didn't do anything wrong (which she doubts) i should "apologize to fbil because he's mad and I shouldnt get between brothers". Has your fh stood up to your FILs for the 5 grand? how did that work out? Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Anytime, it's hard. Gah I cannot believe they would say that. Well I guess I can sounds like something FI's grandmother would say. He did, what happened was he gave FMIL 2 thousand to hold onto for him so HE wouldn't spend it...and well she got in trouble with her own bills and used it without telling him. Then she defaulted on a loan he co-signed on, and the bank wiped out savings including a 3 thousand CD we had. I have never heard him so angry with FMIL. He's told her she better start paying him back soon.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:d56090c8-04b5-4d32-977e-b012034bb874">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : This, seriously. Andra, if he's putting his family's and outsiders' opinions of your plans before your thoughts and opinions, you have a major problem, and that's exactly what he's doing. I can tell you right now, if anyone , FILs included, told my FI they thought something we wanted to do was "cheap" or not good enough, he'd laugh in their face, because we made the decisions for our wedding together and he has the confidence to trust in what we've chosen. Your FI sounds like he cares a lot more about what everyone else might think than about what you think - having grown up with a father with that unfortunate personality trait, I can tell you that it's a really negative, destructive quality, and you will be in for a world of hurt if it isn't addressed NOW. ETA: And if he refuses to talk about it, that's an even BIGGER problem. You need to demand couples counseling - if I were you, I'd tell him if he doesn't go, the wedding's off. You cannot, cannot leave this unaddressed. If you can't deal with this issue for yourself, do it for any future children you may have with this man, because I guarantee you that how he treats you is a preview of how he'll treat them. Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
<div>I figure a stiff kick in the butt should be ordered, based on everyone's advice on here. I'd like to think that I can fix this on my own, but I think this is more than I can chew. He won't do couples councelling, but perhaps I could ask him to do individual councelling?</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:19787b14-b114-41cd-a0f0-d8dfa175562f">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : These are major red flags. If this were TN, they would be telling you to leave him and that any other choice is not a good one. I think he needs a serious come to Jesus talk. Pre-marital counseling will help. And I also would go far to say as wedding pushed back indefinitely until the communication in your relationship gets to where it should be in a partnership. You are marrying this guy. Nothing will change for the better with his family after you get married. A PP brought up kids. What are you going to do when they start micro-managing your kids lives and how you raise them? Your FI will just agree with them and if/when you get the courage to leave and decide that you are worth having someone stand by you through thick and thin, you will now have kids to feed/clothe/raise. Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div> </div><div>The kids thing is definitely a hugeeeee issue we need to address. I think that tonight, when he comes home, I'll have a talk to him and maybe we can both go to individual councelling for now and perhaps couples councelling later. He's against therapy, but maybe I can get through to him that we really need it to function like we used to.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:dda5cec5-e6ac-43b8-9dee-47d938b03ed5">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I don't like the sound of this either, especially since it seems like he values his family's opinion so much. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE] <div> </div><div>I keep trying to figure out why he's so stuck up their butts, but I haven't been able to come up with much more other than (1) he fears them, and (2) they're very good at manipulating him</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:94502a41-a987-44d1-9655-9d8bda0f78b9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : This is not healthy communication. I would halt any and all planning for both the engagement party and wedding until you go to counseling. Sometimes I think counseling gets thrown out too much around here, but he can't even talk to you when he doesn't agree with you. That's not healthy, and not fair. If you make an ultimatum he has to listen to you. You have to be willing to walk away though if this doesn't get better. No one deserves to feel like a second class citizen in their marriage. Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere.</div>
I think y'all should do couples counseling but if not then individual counseling for both parties would be imperative. I would put the wedding plans on the back burner until both you and him have come to an agreement, because he HAS to get on your side in order for the two of you have a good marriage. Marriage is hard enough without adding extra problems like his inability to say no his family and stand by you. You deserve someone who will stand by you and say, "You're my wife and we're in this together."
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:69cbaf4a-cdf9-4056-932c-e28cee0e2784">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I think Pre-Marital counseling would be very helpful. When FI and I had our talk and boy it was a big one, lots of crying on both parts happened. I finally told him, "I don't want you to choose between them and me, but I want to feel like you''ve got my back that you'll stand by me if it ever comes to that. I took the ring off and told him I couldn't live that way, we were able to work things out and I truly hope and pray that you guys will to, because at the least he needs to be willing to see that you're not the bad guy. Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]
<div>Hmmmm a success story following a similar situation. Gives me a bit of confidence that this can be fixed, thank you for that :)</div>
Oh my word Andrea, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I do agree with PPs about seeking counseling with FI. Communication is SO impoartant in any relationship, you two will have a pretty tough marriage otherwise. And FI needs to put you as his wife first. *hugs*
And IMNSHO, your FMIL is a twatwaffle for saying wives are temporary. Um no... "until death do us part" is I believe the phrase I'm thinking of.
The fact that he refuses counseling is an enormous red flag to me. At the end of the day, your situation isn't going to change unless your FI is willing to change it. It doesn't sound like he is. You need to give serious thought to whether you can live the rest of your life with the way things are now (hint: the answer should be no), and then tell him if he refuses counseling you'll end things. Then, if he refuses counseling, actually end things. The way things are right now is not okay, and it's not going to get better by magic or wishful thinking or you kidnapping him and moving to a deserted island. The only way things will get better is if your FI takes the necessary steps to make them better.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:20382f04-cb6e-4f0e-a636-6baeed80fdf9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
There's more to it than that. You said it yourself. You are finding yourself turning in to them. Taking on a "screw you" attituded towards them. That's not you. You're losing yourself in this. They're making you less than what you are. It doesn't matter if everything else in your relationship is perfect, if you lose yourself, you have nothing.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:44fddb6a-b94c-48ea-954e-d25734bcf5df">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I figure a stiff kick in the butt should be ordered, based on everyone's advice on here. I'd like to think that I can fix this on my own, but I think this is more than I can chew. He won't do couples councelling, but perhaps I could ask him to do individual councelling? Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
You can certainly ask him to go solo, I think that is a great start. If he's against counseling in general, I hope you have a solid plan in place if he refuses to go. As in, take off your e-ring, call off the wedding/parties, etc. The message will need to crystal clear to him that you are hurting. Make sure plans B,C, D are in place before you ask him, so that you're prepared. I only say this because when I left my previous relationship, it meant moving out, and I needed a place to stay. I ended things very quickly after the incident with his sister, but I'd made some calls before leaving so I knew I had a place to stay, I made sure the bills in my name came to me, etc. It was over quickly and cleaning.
Not saying you're going to move out, etc, but just take things into account so that things are smooth and prepared. It gives you more control, and from your posts, any iota of control in your relationship lies with your FI.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:20382f04-cb6e-4f0e-a636-6baeed80fdf9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I know it's scary, when I took my ring off that was the hardest thing i've ever done. But I meant it when I told him, "I wouldn't live the next 50+ years fighting with both HIM and his family."
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:096caf49-39ca-4b91-a3ec-8906532c1290">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Hmmmm a success story following a similar situation. Gives me a bit of confidence that this can be fixed, thank you for that :) Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
You're welcome and I truly hope things get better for you as well. :)
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:db32c7b5-90db-4f45-8d4e-6456c5d8eb92">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : No, I'm sorry, that's not even at the margin of being OK. You don't deserve this. You want this to work as a relationship, your FI wants to impress and quell his family. These two situations can't co-exist if you're miserable. If he won't go to therapy/counseling with you, I hope you go solo. This is NOT an OK situation. It's actually--in his way--abusive. You say something he doesn't like, so he shuts down and excludes you from his world, and you sound like you're always on the "I'll give in" end of decisions. Not alright, at all. Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
<div>I never really considered it that way, but it makes sense. I do try to work on the relationship while he focuses on impressing his family, and that seems to be the ultimate reason we butt heads.</div><div> </div><div>I keep thinking that maybe I need to stop giving in and see if he'll tell them NO in that case. He definitely needs to assess his priorities, because I know that starting a family is important to him, but I can't start a family when he's already still focusing so much on HIS family instead of ours. It's not a good foundation.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:20382f04-cb6e-4f0e-a636-6baeed80fdf9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). <strong>I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere. </strong>Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Even if he is that doesn't mean that this Momma's Boy part of him is going to magically disappear, even if you can find the old him. They're both parts of him and obviously family is important to him, so if you two don't get on the same page before you're married then you're going to spend the rest of your life battling for the "old" him.
Part of the problem is that by not walking away you're also validating his behavior. He sees you putting up with him treating you like this and so he figures that it must not be THAT big a deal because you swallow it. Maybe taking a step away will make him realize that it IS that big a deal and it DOES need to change. Even if it does, what's worse... walking away or spending the rest of your life feeling like the person you love values several other people above you?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:a6acb5a0-a625-4059-8298-5cf67c379d96">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Wives are temporary? Oh dear lord. OP - please listen to the awesome advice you've been given. None of what is going on between you and your FI is okay. You deserve SO much better than that. Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
<div>She's full of quotes like that.</div><div> </div><div>When fh had to leave lunch at her house early to come help me move new furniture into my house, she said "of course you had to leave, your girfrients c*nt tastes sweeters than your mother's breasts". NO JOKE, she said this in front of fh, fbil, ffil, and MY family (mom and dad). </div><div> </div><div>I plan on talking to fh when he gets home, perhaps I'll even point him in the direction of this thread. I hope we can fix this.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:20382f04-cb6e-4f0e-a636-6baeed80fdf9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
The walking away part is absolutely scary, but you just have to really ask yourself if they way things are currently is something you can deal with forever. And it absolutely CAN get better if your FI is willing to work on it. H and I had to have a few talks about being a united front to his mother and he has improved so much.
Think about the possibiliities - if 20 years from now your FILs are getting older and can't do as much for themselves anymore where do you think they're going to want to go? You could end up with this woman who thinks wives are temporary living under your roof, in EVERY aspect of your life.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:aaa71fcf-b0b4-4bee-a504-1b37bd02c8b9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]I think individual conseling is a must for the relationship to continue. I think you need it and I think he needs it. I would put the wedding on the back burner until the FI issues get worked out. If they get worked out. Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>I agree, though I feel like my bubble is majorly popped at the moment. </div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:f657487d-aff8-4a3f-b8d6-e9812cfc069e">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]He won't do couples counseling? Does he not see that there is a HUGE issue here? You really need to show him how important the relationship is to you, and how important it is that he stand behind you first, his family second. By getting married, he should have already "chosen" between his family and you - the answer here is clear - he's chosen you. Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
<div>I haven't even asked him to choose, though I agree with you and would like to know that I (and our new family) come first. At the very least, I'd like equal treatment and I think that shouldn't be a problem.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:a38d4296-9fa1-4cd8-a04c-5a24028d82ac">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : She's full of quotes like that. When fh had to leave lunch at her house early to come help me move new furniture into my house, she said "of course you had to leave, your girfrients c*nt tastes sweeters than your mother's breasts". NO JOKE, she said this in front of fh, fbil, ffil, and MY family (mom and dad). I plan on talking to fh when he gets home, perhaps I'll even point him in the direction of this thread. I hope we can fix this. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I think Pre-Marital counseling would be very helpful. When FI and I had our talk and boy it was a big one, lots of crying on both parts happened. I finally told him, "I don't want you to choose between them and me, but I want to feel like you''ve got my back that you'll stand by me if it ever comes to that. I took the ring off and told him I couldn't live that way, we were able to work things out and I truly hope and pray that you guys will to, because at the least he needs to be willing to see that you're not the bad guy.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
This is not healthy communication. I would halt any and all planning for both the engagement party and wedding until you go to counseling. Sometimes I think counseling gets thrown out too much around here, but he can't even talk to you when he doesn't agree with you. That's not healthy, and not fair.
If you make an ultimatum he has to listen to you. You have to be willing to walk away though if this doesn't get better. No one deserves to feel like a second class citizen in their marriage.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. <strong> Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.</strong>
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
No, I'm sorry, that's not even at the margin of being OK. You don't deserve this. You want this to work as a relationship, your FI wants to impress and quell his family.
These two situations can't co-exist if you're miserable. If he won't go to therapy/counseling with you, I hope you go solo. This is NOT an OK situation. It's actually--in his way--abusive. You say something he doesn't like, so he shuts down and excludes you from his world, and you sound like you're always on the "I'll give in" end of decisions. Not alright, at all.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : OP, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, at all. But if your FI doesn't have your back in discussions with/about his family, he's setting you up for a world of hurt. You will ALWAYS come in second, or third, or fourth, or wherever he feels like placing you after his family. You're not starting a competition, you want the same respect from him that he gives his family. I realize this invite/engagement party has nothing to do with true etiquette issues. It's an issue with his family and him. Your FI should have your back. You are getting married, and he needs to make a separation here. I've been there, and it stinks beyond measure. I ended my a relationship before my now FI because he never had my back. All I heard was "blood is thicker than water", and even when his sister literally tried to fight me (not with me, she actually took a swing at me), he still said he had to side with her cause she's family. I exited, stage right. Not saying that you're in that situation,but if he's not looking out for you now, when will he?
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
<div>You're 100% right about everything. And the fact that she tried to take a swing at you is horrible, and even worse that he sided with her. </div><div>
</div><div>I recognize your situation as my own (minus the violence... thankfully), and that scares me quite a bit!</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Definitely think about some kind of counseling. Our pre-cana (required by the church) included some stuff on how to 'fight' productively and we learned that the silent treatment (which I was quilty of occassionally) can be just as unproductive and destructive as screaming.
He needs to be on your side 100% of the time. Of course you two will disagree sometimes, but then you need to figure it out between the two of you before involving either family - to his parents and yours and to everyone else you need to have a united front. I really wish you the best of luck with this. Perhaps if you make him realize that this is a dealbreaker for you he'll take it more seriously.
I'm sure he'll try to pull the "You're trying to make me choose between you two" line again, at which point my advice would be to tell him to go ahead and choose for the rest of his life - them or you. And then at least you'll know for sure where you stand.
Although, my honest opinion, is that YOU should decide whether or not you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, because you've already had issue after issue with his family and he has always chosen them. It will never go back to the time when you two were dating and the family wasn't involved because you're about to be a part of his family. And I think you deserve better than this.
Married Bio
Day Zero / Blog
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : You're 100% right about everything. And the fact that she tried to take a swing at you is horrible, and even worse that he sided with her. I recognize your situation as my own (minus the violence... thankfully), and that scares me quite a bit!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Feel free to PM me at any time. I don't want to be right about anything here, but I see all too much in what you're describing on here as stuff I've lived. I'd do anything to get those 2 years back, they were not healthy years for me. They taught me a lot, and it was a hard lesson. Some people have no spine on their own, but that doesn't mean that you need to be part of their lives.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I feel so badly for you. I really do, this isn't healthy. I hope you realize they're the ones with issues, not you. Your issue lies in a FI that doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family with, and it's hurting you.
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
<div>It's not healthy, for anyone. It's ruining all sorts of relationships, and straining everyone. </div><div>
</div><div>Realistically, I think that even though they were the ones that started with major issues, I'm becoming like them. I feel like at first I kept trying to be the bigger person, and now part of me just wants to say "screw you" and not do anything for them anymore. I feel like I can't take giving up bits of myself for their entertainment anymore.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : That's not a good sign. I'm really not trying to be a Debbie Downer here. Maybe you guys could try couples therapy?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
<div>No worries about me thinking you're a Debbie Downer, all your points are very valid and I hope you know that I am really considering absolutely everything. In one of my previous posts on here, someone recommended couples therapy, and he's completely against it. I took psychology and I work in the field, and he seems to think that the therapist and I would gang up against him or that I'd try to pull some tricks. Counselling isn't even the field I work in, though.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Thanks, Mari0225, for letting me know that I can PM you about these things. I try not to tell my girlfriends anything about this because I don't want gossip floating back to his family's ears and then they'd have more against me. The one time we brought up that we'll be our own family, fmil was quick to point out that "brothers and family are forever, wives are temporary", and that even if i didn't do anything wrong (which she doubts) i should "apologize to fbil because he's mad and I shouldnt get between brothers". Has your fh stood up to your FILs for the 5 grand? how did that work out?
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Anytime, it's hard. Gah I cannot believe they would say that. Well I guess I can sounds like something FI's grandmother would say. He did, what happened was he gave FMIL 2 thousand to hold onto for him so HE wouldn't spend it...and well she got in trouble with her own bills and used it without telling him. Then she defaulted on a loan he co-signed on, and the bank wiped out savings including a 3 thousand CD we had. I have never heard him so angry with FMIL. He's told her she better start paying him back soon.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : This, seriously. Andra, if he's putting his family's and outsiders' opinions of your plans before your thoughts and opinions, you have a major problem, and that's exactly what he's doing. I can tell you right now, if anyone , FILs included, told my FI they thought something we wanted to do was "cheap" or not good enough, he'd laugh in their face, because we made the decisions for our wedding together and he has the confidence to trust in what we've chosen. Your FI sounds like he cares a lot more about what everyone else might think than about what you think - having grown up with a father with that unfortunate personality trait, I can tell you that it's a really negative, destructive quality, and you will be in for a world of hurt if it isn't addressed NOW. ETA: And if he refuses to talk about it, that's an even BIGGER problem. You need to demand couples counseling - if I were you, I'd tell him if he doesn't go, the wedding's off. You cannot, cannot leave this unaddressed. If you can't deal with this issue for yourself, do it for any future children you may have with this man, because I guarantee you that how he treats you is a preview of how he'll treat them.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
<div>I figure a stiff kick in the butt should be ordered, based on everyone's advice on here. I'd like to think that I can fix this on my own, but I think this is more than I can chew. He won't do couples councelling, but perhaps I could ask him to do individual councelling?</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : These are major red flags. If this were TN, they would be telling you to leave him and that any other choice is not a good one. I think he needs a serious come to Jesus talk. Pre-marital counseling will help. And I also would go far to say as wedding pushed back indefinitely until the communication in your relationship gets to where it should be in a partnership. You are marrying this guy. Nothing will change for the better with his family after you get married. A PP brought up kids. What are you going to do when they start micro-managing your kids lives and how you raise them? Your FI will just agree with them and if/when you get the courage to leave and decide that you are worth having someone stand by you through thick and thin, you will now have kids to feed/clothe/raise.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>The kids thing is definitely a hugeeeee issue we need to address. I think that tonight, when he comes home, I'll have a talk to him and maybe we can both go to individual councelling for now and perhaps couples councelling later. He's against therapy, but maybe I can get through to him that we really need it to function like we used to.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I don't like the sound of this either, especially since it seems like he values his family's opinion so much.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>I keep trying to figure out why he's so stuck up their butts, but I haven't been able to come up with much more other than (1) he fears them, and (2) they're very good at manipulating him</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : This is not healthy communication. I would halt any and all planning for both the engagement party and wedding until you go to counseling. Sometimes I think counseling gets thrown out too much around here, but he can't even talk to you when he doesn't agree with you. That's not healthy, and not fair. If you make an ultimatum he has to listen to you. You have to be willing to walk away though if this doesn't get better. No one deserves to feel like a second class citizen in their marriage.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I think Pre-Marital counseling would be very helpful. When FI and I had our talk and boy it was a big one, lots of crying on both parts happened. I finally told him, "I don't want you to choose between them and me, but I want to feel like you''ve got my back that you'll stand by me if it ever comes to that. I took the ring off and told him I couldn't live that way, we were able to work things out and I truly hope and pray that you guys will to, because at the least he needs to be willing to see that you're not the bad guy.
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]
<div>Hmmmm a success story following a similar situation. Gives me a bit of confidence that this can be fixed, thank you for that :)</div>
And IMNSHO, your FMIL is a twatwaffle for saying wives are temporary. Um no... "until death do us part" is I believe the phrase I'm thinking of.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
There's more to it than that. You said it yourself. You are finding yourself turning in to them. Taking on a "screw you" attituded towards them. That's not you. You're losing yourself in this. They're making you less than what you are. It doesn't matter if everything else in your relationship is perfect, if you lose yourself, you have nothing.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I figure a stiff kick in the butt should be ordered, based on everyone's advice on here. I'd like to think that I can fix this on my own, but I think this is more than I can chew. He won't do couples councelling, but perhaps I could ask him to do individual councelling?
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
You can certainly ask him to go solo, I think that is a great start. If he's against counseling in general, I hope you have a solid plan in place if he refuses to go. As in, take off your e-ring, call off the wedding/parties, etc. The message will need to crystal clear to him that you are hurting. Make sure plans B,C, D are in place before you ask him, so that you're prepared. I only say this because when I left my previous relationship, it meant moving out, and I needed a place to stay. I ended things very quickly after the incident with his sister, but I'd made some calls before leaving so I knew I had a place to stay, I made sure the bills in my name came to me, etc. It was over quickly and cleaning.
Not saying you're going to move out, etc, but just take things into account so that things are smooth and prepared. It gives you more control, and from your posts, any iota of control in your relationship lies with your FI.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I know it's scary, when I took my ring off that was the hardest thing i've ever done. But I meant it when I told him, "I wouldn't live the next 50+ years fighting with both HIM and his family."
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Hmmmm a success story following a similar situation. Gives me a bit of confidence that this can be fixed, thank you for that :)
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
You're welcome and I truly hope things get better for you as well. :)
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : No, I'm sorry, that's not even at the margin of being OK. You don't deserve this. You want this to work as a relationship, your FI wants to impress and quell his family. These two situations can't co-exist if you're miserable. If he won't go to therapy/counseling with you, I hope you go solo. This is NOT an OK situation. It's actually--in his way--abusive. You say something he doesn't like, so he shuts down and excludes you from his world, and you sound like you're always on the "I'll give in" end of decisions. Not alright, at all.
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
<div>I never really considered it that way, but it makes sense. I do try to work on the relationship while he focuses on impressing his family, and that seems to be the ultimate reason we butt heads.</div><div>
</div><div>I keep thinking that maybe I need to stop giving in and see if he'll tell them NO in that case. He definitely needs to assess his priorities, because I know that starting a family is important to him, but I can't start a family when he's already still focusing so much on HIS family instead of ours. It's not a good foundation.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). <strong>I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere.
</strong>Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Even if he is that doesn't mean that this Momma's Boy part of him is going to magically disappear, even if you can find the old him. They're both parts of him and obviously family is important to him, so if you two don't get on the same page before you're married then you're going to spend the rest of your life battling for the "old" him.
Part of the problem is that by not walking away you're also validating his behavior. He sees you putting up with him treating you like this and so he figures that it must not be THAT big a deal because you swallow it. Maybe taking a step away will make him realize that it IS that big a deal and it DOES need to change. Even if it does, what's worse... walking away or spending the rest of your life feeling like the person you love values several other people above you?
Married Bio
Day Zero / Blog
[QUOTE]Wives are temporary? Oh dear lord. OP - please listen to the awesome advice you've been given. None of what is going on between you and your FI is okay. You deserve SO much better than that.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
<div>She's full of quotes like that.</div><div>
</div><div>When fh had to leave lunch at her house early to come help me move new furniture into my house, she said "of course you had to leave, your girfrients c*nt tastes sweeters than your mother's breasts". NO JOKE, she said this in front of fh, fbil, ffil, and MY family (mom and dad). </div><div>
</div><div>I plan on talking to fh when he gets home, perhaps I'll even point him in the direction of this thread. I hope we can fix this.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : The walking away part is scary for me. We have a great relationship when it's not about his parents. We can talk about things we disagree on when it's not about his family, and it never causes a fight (and I'm not exaggerating at all here). I'm having a hard time coming to terms with it because I'm still hoping the man I fell in love with, and the man he is when his family is not around, is still in there... somewhere.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
The walking away part is absolutely scary, but you just have to really ask yourself if they way things are currently is something you can deal with forever. And it absolutely CAN get better if your FI is willing to work on it. H and I had to have a few talks about being a united front to his mother and he has improved so much.
Think about the possibiliities - if 20 years from now your FILs are getting older and can't do as much for themselves anymore where do you think they're going to want to go? You could end up with this woman who thinks wives are temporary living under your roof, in EVERY aspect of your life.
[QUOTE]I think individual conseling is a must for the relationship to continue. I think you need it and I think he needs it. I would put the wedding on the back burner until the FI issues get worked out. If they get worked out.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>I agree, though I feel like my bubble is majorly popped at the moment. </div>
[QUOTE]He won't do couples counseling? Does he not see that there is a HUGE issue here? You really need to show him how important the relationship is to you, and how important it is that he stand behind you first, his family second. By getting married, he should have already "chosen" between his family and you - the answer here is clear - he's chosen you.
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
<div>I haven't even asked him to choose, though I agree with you and would like to know that I (and our new family) come first. At the very least, I'd like equal treatment and I think that shouldn't be a problem.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : She's full of quotes like that. When fh had to leave lunch at her house early to come help me move new furniture into my house, she said "of course you had to leave, your girfrients c*nt tastes sweeters than your mother's breasts". NO JOKE, she said this in front of fh, fbil, ffil, and MY family (mom and dad). I plan on talking to fh when he gets home, perhaps I'll even point him in the direction of this thread. I hope we can fix this.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
That's just disgusting.