Advice needed: Guest List (long)

veijes · March 2010

So from the get go I knew I wanted a smaller wedding compared to my FSIL and my brother's weddings where they invited over 300-350 people each. I wanted my wedding to be around 150-160 people.....in wanting that I knew I would obviously have to cut people from their wedding lists.

Well my parents have both been fine with it and my future in laws seemed to be fine with it but now they are trying to get us to invite more and more people that were at their daughters wedding this last fall. I have tried telling them that we wanted the guest list to stay down but they just keep offering money as a solution, which is not what I am worried about. They are trying to invite like 25-30 more people than I wanted.

My parents have cut people that they grew up with and still hang out with but my FMIL wants people that my FI grew up with (neighborhood friends) but I have only met these people once or twice (at FSIL's wedding) so they aren't close to them anymore.

I feel like we have a different view on weddings, I look at the people I want there to be people I'm close with in the present and most likely in the future and they want that plus people from their past. What do I do?

Clare13 · March 2010

Being that you already have discussed wanting the wedding small, I would just give them a number. My sister did this and it worked well. She wanted 150 people total invited. She and FI got 50, MOB/FOB got 50, FOG got 25, MOG got 25 (They are divorced.) If anyone wanted more, the answer was No. They got to choose their people. If someone that my sister or her FI wanted at the wedding and was not included on the parents lists, they invited them under their numbers.

I almost wish that we had gone this route because our guest list is sitting at 425 right now. Luckily we are OK with this. It is never easy to have to cut the list but once they had a number, people began getting cut. Not the easiest thing to do, but it works.

Muffers · March 2010

ugh, this is a sucky situation. Is FH in agreement with the desire for a smaller wedding than his sis had? If you guys are on the same page I say be honest with his folks and let them know you're not comfortable inviting more people. you, fh and your parents have all made tough cuts and its only fair that the fils make the same. and I see you're only 3 months away from the wedding!! i really think you have a right to say the guest list is final that close to sending your invitations out. it's crazy to still be dealing with guest list stress just 3 months before the wedding. yuk!
i'm not one of those people who think the wedding day is all about ME, i think it is about family, friends and those you love, as well. but a line has to be drawn somewhere. if everyone is making cuts but them they need to step up and do the same. So i say stick to your guns and be honest with them.
good luck!

LittleSweetie · March 2010

I agree with PP about giving them a number to work from. That might help.

Also make sure your FI is having these conversations with his parents versus you trying to lay down the law - it just creates a wedge between you and them, and it's better if your FI plays that role versus putting you in the middle of it during a stressful time (that should be happy!) and starting your marriage on rocky ground with them.

heatherwu1998 · March 2010

It sounds like your FMIL might think your desire for a small wedding is based solely on monetary concerns. You might need to explain your desire for your wedding to be an intimate event with close family and friends only. A lot of parents look at a wedding as an opportunity to see people they haven't seen in a while. So, I think it's important to you explain how you feel and like PP said, to give your FMIL a specific number. Setting a number will force her to choose who she wants there the most. Good luck!

veijes · March 2010

Thanks everyone. I feel bad that I want to say no to having those people there but it is our wedding and we don't really want a big wedding. My FI is backing me 100%. When we sent our STD's out which was only 2 months ago, we didn't send them to EVERYONE just becuase we weren't for sure if we were going to invite certain people and my FMIL took it that we weren't inviting those people AT ALL. I think she called around and asked people if they got them, then found out who didn't and told me I needed to send those STDs out. So I ended up sending like 3 STDs out to her best friends, two of which I have never met. I figured it was ok to have an extra 6 people just to make her happy (she started crying), but now they are wanting more and more people invited and it's just stressing me out.

I'm really lcose to my FMIL and love her to death so I don't want this to start anything bad so I feel like I should just invite them but it's not fair to my family who already cut their list down.

LittleSweetie · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_advice-needed-guest-list-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:ee5cbc55-cff6-42ad-ad9e-ee787d05765bPost:7da00c2a-69d4-49d6-aed5-11df8fd6de53">Re: Advice needed: Guest List (long)</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm really close to my FMIL and love her to death so<strong> I don't want this to start anything bad </strong>so I feel like I should just invite them but it's not fair to my family who already cut their list down.
Posted by veijes[/QUOTE]

This is why your FI needs to step in and have the conversations. It's the best advice I've ever gotten for my marriage - let my husband fight the battles with his mom instead of me! She'll always love her son, but it's easy to blame with FDIL for making her unhappy.

Bimbi284 · March 2010

Ahhh yes...the whole "talking about the wedding to everyone and her sister" issue. My parents are guilty of that one as well. Apparently they had talked to some ollllllllllllllllllllld friends of theirs about the wedding on a visit to Puerto Rico. This discussion somehow ended up in me inviting these people...who I have never met. (This is only one example....it happened like 3 more times, resulting in like 9 extra people being added) Once that happened, I told my mom: NO MORE TALKING ABOUT THE WEDDING TO ANYONE unless they are close family or friends they know are for sure invited. This came at a time where my parents were telling me that we had to cut back on the guest list, so needless to say, I was pretty peeved. Also, the fact that your FMIL actually went around calling people to see if they got the STD seems a bit weird to me.

I would just have your FI have a frank discussion with her and end the madness now, because if some of her people end up not getting invites, it could be iffy. If she knows before invites are out, it may prevent some tension.

amberh0515 · March 2010

I think everyone goes through the same problem!

My parents don't understand that I dont' want 200 of their closest friends at our wedding. We get in arguments weekly about it and it is definitly the biggest stress of the planning process!

My FI and I suggested that if they would like to share this special day with their friends, maybe they should throw an engagement party and invite them to that instead of a more intimate ceremony. Just a thought!

debbieupper · March 2010

Oh man, I hear you on this one (all of you!).

It is SO stressful dealing with parents who get upset about a less-than-300-person wedding. ESPECIALLY when they're bringing it up 3 months before the wedding and calling people to see if they got STDs! (I can totally see my FMIL doing that, btw).

A PP said it above, but I agree that the conversation might go better if you start off by explaining that it's not about the money -- it's about the feel of the day and what is going to make it special and intimate for you and your husband-to-be.

Honestly, this may sound really harsh, but if she cries, she cries. I'm sure she won't hold it against you (for long?), especially if you're respectful of her feelings. I also agree with PPs that it would be really helpful if your FI drove the conversations a little bit so you don't feel like it's all on you to be the bearer of "bad" news.

blondie424 · March 2010

I agree with LS and PP...I would have FI have the talk with his mom. From the beginning, FI and I agreed we would deal with our own parents when the tough issues came up...and it's probably the best thing we ever did and will continue to do in our marriage. FI has had to have quite a few conversations with his mom but my relationship with FMIL is still great. It's WAY easier to deal with your own parents than your future in-laws. But by the sounds of it, your FI seems super supportive and won't have a problem taking care of this issue for you!

wittyschaffy · March 2010

I had a similar problem with my DH's mother inviting people AFTER the invites went out. Just remember this is YOUR wedding, not theirs. They had theirs already. You and your FI need to agree on your plan of action and he needs to get his mom under control. I know, easier said than done, but you'll get through it.

zephyr_marie · March 2010

We are trying to avoid the same problem, and I'm really really hoping it isn't going to be a big problem. His parents seem to think that absolutely all of their friends need to be invited to the wedding - people we aren't close to at all, so we keep saying that we're only inviting 125 people tops (his family seems to forget that I have family at all who is coming) so hopefully they won't keep talking about it to everyone, but in the meantime, we're just going to try and do damage control explaining that we're keeping it small and if someone isn't invited, it isn't personal, though there will always be people who do take it personally. At this point, I'm past caring. If everyone is going to get their feelings hurt, or if his parents don't like that we aren't doing things the way they want... that's their problem. They aren't paying for the wedding, we are. I say put your foot down and do what you want.

Advice needed: Guest List (long)

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