Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?

snowdaisy822 · August 2012

So my FI and I are in a heated discussion about taking people off the list to cut our numbers. We sent out our STDs several months ago and we realized our list was huge. (I work virtually and most of my coworkers live 3+ hours away, so we didn't think they'd come, but they're all talking about getting houses together for the long weekend). So, he wants to take some people off the list, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. What would you suggest we do? Is it rude to take someone off the list after they've already received a STD? What would you do in my shoes?

Thanks!

sharp0099 · August 2012

Unfortunately once you send a STD it's as good as an invitation. You have no choice but to send everyone you sent a STD an invitation. It'd be rude not to. There'll always be people who'll decline so try not to be so stressed out about the numbers. Good luck!

DramaGeek · August 2012

STD = Invite. If you haven't already, I'd start looking at the budget and make plans that will allow you to host everyone properly.

QueerFemme · August 2012

Agree with PP. Once a STD goes out, that means an invite. It would be horribly rude to cut them now.

Kate61487 · August 2012

Ditto drama. And while what sharp said is true, you probably won't get 100 attendance, you should NOT count on that being your saving grace. People have had it happen, so budget for every guest to say yes.

Gabrielle76 · August 2012

Yep, a save the date is as good as an invitation, and people make plans of the save the dates (For example, your friends talking about renthing a house). Look for other areas to cut back.

Cortney1982 · August 2012

When you sent the save the date you already invited them to the wedding. You must also send them a invitation to the wedding.

Imagine how you would feel if you received a save the date and were excited to go and made travel arrangements. You waited and waited for the invite to come and here it is the wedding is a week or two away and you haven't received your invitation yet. You are confused and maybe angry because it seems like you are no longer invited but already took Friday off work, paid for the hotel, bought a new outfit, etc.

AceTT · August 2012

Ditto PPs. Everyone who received an STD must receive an invitation. Everyone in a relationship (regardless of length) must be invited with their S/O. You do not have to give +1s to truly single guests, so there's one place you can cut if you were initially planning on giving +1s to everyone.

You could scale back the bar (cut liquor and just serve beer and wine and a signature drink).

Scale back the cake, or flowers, or decorations, or limo (would a smaller size work?).

Serve chicken instead of steak.

Etc. Good luck!

Snippylynn · August 2012

This is why STD's are the devil, for one, and two-- -you decide on the guest list BEFORE you send them out.

And yes. They are invited. You have to send EVERYONE an invitation.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:12ed545d-7803-40a5-af57-7e9f6d9799bf">Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my FI and I are in a heated discussion about taking people off the list to cut our numbers. <strong>We sent out our STDs several months ago and we realized our list was huge. </strong>(I work virtually and most of my coworkers live 3+ hours away, so we didn't think they'd come, but they're all talking about getting houses together for the long weekend). So, he wants to take some people off the list, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. What would you suggest we do? Is it rude to take someone off the list after they've already received a STD? What would you do in my shoes? :) Thanks!
Posted by snowdaisy822[/QUOTE]
How did that happen? The guest list is supposed to be finalized before you invite anyone so it shouldn't be a surprise that your list is huge. I mean, y'all made it.<div>
</div><div>I agree with the others. You need to send formal invitations to everyone who received an STD. It's not their fault that there was some kind of confusion on your end.</div>

zitiqueen · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:12ed545d-7803-40a5-af57-7e9f6d9799bf">Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my FI and I are in a heated discussion about taking people off the list to cut our numbers.<strong> We sent out our STDs several months ago and we realized our list was huge. </strong>(I work virtually and most of my coworkers live 3+ hours away, so we didn't think they'd come, but they're all talking about getting houses together for the long weekend). So, he wants to take some people off the list, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. What would you suggest we do? Is it rude to take someone off the list after they've already received a STD? What would you do in my shoes? :) Thanks!
Posted by snowdaisy822[/QUOTE]

I don't get this either. You sent out your STDs and then counted how many you sent out? You never kept a running total of the guests you planned to invite and then did the math on budget to see if you could afford them?

hoffse · August 2012

For other readers, this is why I recommend never sending STDs to people who aren't VIPs unless you're strict about sticking to your budget. Somewhere between the 6 month mark and the 6 week mark you spend a lot of money and realize your budget just shrank by 50 people. Because being like, "well I can spend a little more here" and "I can spend a little more there" means that you've suddenly blown your budget out of the water.

OP, you need to invite them. Cut out as many extra weddingy stuff as you can, particularly things like limos that are really only for you and your FI.

snowdaisy822 · August 2012

Thanks! That's what I told him, but he was insistant that we could just not invite some of the people his mom put on the list.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that more people will not be able to come. Ha! I'm hoping for an early snow!

snowdaisy822 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:da387372-dc73-4789-9f16-12465ccd1c0b">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : How did that happen? The guest list is supposed to be finalized before you invite anyone so it shouldn't be a surprise that your list is huge. I mean, y'all made it. I agree with the others. You need to send formal invitations to everyone who received an STD. It's not their fault that there was some kind of confusion on your end.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>In the parentheses I explained that there was a bunch of coworkers we were pretty sure wouldn't come because of being so far away. We're getting married in November in Oregon, so we figured they wouldn't want to chance the weather and pass since it could be starting to snow, but at our last meeting in June they were all talking about getting houses together.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh well, as long as they get houses, it'll help us reach our housing minimum! :)</div>

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

If you and your FI realized too late that you can't afford to host everyone on your STD list then don't do it! It is unfortunate and awkward to have to cut your list now, but there is no shame in living within your means. Too many brides are pressured into spending money don't have trying to please others. Trust me, no one on this thread or at your job is going to offer to pay your catering bill when it comes due! Have the wedding that you and your FI can afford.

Make a personal call to each STD recipient who will not receive an invitation. Apologize for the confusion you have caused and explain that due to unforeseen circumstances, you and your FI have chosen a smaller venue that can only accommodate your family and closest friends. You don't need to explicitly mention finances.

Most reasonable people will appreciate that you wanted to them to be part of your day and will understand your situation. Good luck!

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

You kind of missed my point. You don't make your guest list and hope some don't come. You make your guest list based on your budget, book a venue that will hold everyone and then act as if everyone will be attending until you hear otherwise if they decline on the RSVP.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

In Response to Re:Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?:[QUOTE]If you and your FInbsp;realized too late that younbsp;can't afford to host everyone on your STD list then don't do it! It is unfortunate and awkward to have to cut your list now, but there is no shame in living within your means. nbsp;Too many brides are pressured into spending money don't have trying to pleasenbsp;others.nbsp;Trust me, no one on this thread or at your job isnbsp;going to offer to pay your catering bill when it comes due! Have the wedding that you and your FI can afford.nbsp;nbsp;Make anbsp;personal call to eachnbsp;STD recipient who will not receive an invitation. Apologize for the confusion you havenbsp;causednbsp;and explain that due to unforeseen circumstances, you and your FI have chosen a smaller venue that can only accommodate your family and closest friends. You don't need to explicitly mention finances. Most reasonable people will appreciate that you wanted to them to be part of your day and will understand your situation. Good luck!nbsp;nbsp;nbsp; Posted by FlintstonePearl[/QUOTE] No.

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:7de069c2-a78c-433e-bd20-3f7fdd14e81c">Re:Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?: No.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

OP, looks like you've got a sponsor! Invite everyone and send your unpaid invoices to Mrs. B6302007.

Viczaesar · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:7a955e70-c6dc-4d67-a451-64733744ed84">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you and your FI realized too late that you can't afford to host everyone on your STD list then don't do it! It is unfortunate and awkward to have to cut your list now, but there is no shame in living within your means . Too many brides are pressured into spending money don't have trying to please others. Trust me, no one on this thread or at your job is going to offer to pay your catering bill when it comes due! Have the wedding that you and your FI can afford. Make a personal call to each STD recipient who will not receive an invitation. Apologize for the confusion you have caused and explain that due to unforeseen circumstances, you and your FI have chosen a smaller venue that can only accommodate your family and closest friends. You don't need to explicitly mention finances. Most reasonable people will appreciate that you wanted to them to be part of your day and will understand your situation. Good luck!
Posted by FlintstonePearl[/QUOTE]
No. Terrible advice.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

Your advice was wrong etiquette wise, FP. A bride and groom should have the money in hand before they invite anyone. It has nothing to do with living above your means. If it is already saved in the bank then all is well. What you are suggesting is that it is okay for a B&G to be jerks to their guests because a B&G planned poorly. Good planning means no hurt feelings.

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:fce47e97-cb67-4833-a174-8b6797ceda98">Re:Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : WTH is that supposed to mean. No one told her to spend money she didn't have, but there are likely plenty of other options to make it work without uninviting people. Unless you are having a cake and punch only reception with absolutely no decorations in a free venue, there are always ways to downsize cost.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

It means there is nothing wrong with OP acknowledging a mistake that she can't afford and making an honest effort to correct it. Monosyllabic advice to simply forge ahead with an oversized guest list is reckless and presumptuous.

Planning professionals on The Knot and elsewhere often state the guest list is the number one cost driver for a wedding. Yes, there are many other ways to save a few dollars here and there. But if OP's STD list is "huge" compared to her budget, she needs to revisit her list.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

The monosyllabic response was for you, hence the quote.

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:98236472-819a-4d4e-877f-47df02b7e9cd">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your advice was wrong etiquette wise, FP. A bride and groom should have the money in hand before they invite anyone. It has nothing to do with living above your means. If it is already saved in the bank then all is well. What you are suggesting is that it is okay for a B&G to be jerks to their guests because a B&G planned poorly. Good planning means no hurt feelings.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but I don't think calling a friend or coworker and explaining you made a mistake makes you a jerk. You are right, it is proper to have your money saved and your budget set before your send STDs, but that is not OP's situation.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:e554d19b-cf60-4ec8-ace4-f9553e4ca451">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : Sorry, but I don't think calling a friend or coworker and explaining you made a mistake makes you a jerk. You are right, it is proper to have your money saved and your budget set before your send STDs, but that is not OP's situation.
Posted by FlintstonePearl[/QUOTE] RIght it isn't her situation but you went that route in your response so thats what we are now discussing.

This is taking too long to do on the phone.

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:e018a0d4-f769-4171-8cea-8e1590c4f3d5">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : I had my budget cut in half 5 months before the wedding (and after my dress and all WP attire had be paid for) and I still managed to accomodate everyone. Uninviting people IS rude and actually coworkers and casual friends are MORE likely to get upset about it than someone who is super close to you. OP can move the wedding to a non-meal time (assuming she's having a meal) and spend the same money on cake and snacks for her larger guest list that she would have spent on a plated meal or buffet. Then she's not living above her means OR insulting people she works with. <strong> I fail to see how your solution is better than this one.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This is a discussion board, not a competition for the "best" answer. Bottom line, OP made an honest mistake. She can continue to try to be the perfect bride and take extraordinary measures to cover it up, like downsizing her reception to snacks or spending more money than she may have on a meal. I proposed an alternative, admitting her mistake early and personally, trusting her friends and coworkers to be understanding. None of these options are appealing, but they are all options.

FlintstonePearl · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:5de0c7cd-7991-408c-bf89-b98782ae7e16">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : This is an ETIQUETTE board, actually, which means we give advice based on...wait for it... proper etiquette. It's not about best answer or not, it's about right or wrong. According to etiquette, your solution is wrong.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<p>Serving snacks to a crowd of wedding guests who drove three hours and rented houses is impeccable etiquette. I can't believe OP didn't think of it herself. Congratulations on being right. </p>

Nevtali · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:9220f96a-ca85-4480-8462-9fe9153c7521">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : This is a discussion board, not a competition for the "best" answer. Bottom line, OP made an honest mistake. She can continue to try to be the perfect bride and take extraordinary measures to cover it up, like downsizing her reception to snacks or spending more money than she may have on a meal. I proposed an alternative, admitting her mistake early and personally, trusting her friends and coworkers to be understanding. None of these options are appealing, but they are all options.
Posted by FlintstonePearl[/QUOTE]

In addition to the rudeness of uninviting someone, since these are out-of-town guests, it's entirely possible that they've made nonrefundable travel arrangements. All but one of the weddings I've ever attended has involved a plane flight, so I tend to make my plans before the invitations go out (as long as I've been told, one way or another, that I'm invited). Whether I'm attending a wedding will often affect my holiday plans and my schedule for family visits. I would be beyond pissed if I bought tickets, only to be told that I was no longer invited.

QueerFemme · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-someone-you-sent-a-save-the-date-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ef15dc6-9248-4045-8857-edac998329bbPost:9220f96a-ca85-4480-8462-9fe9153c7521">Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting someone you sent a save the date to? : This is a discussion board, not a competition for the "best" answer. Bottom line, OP made an honest mistake. She can continue to try to be the perfect bride and take extraordinary measures to cover it up, like downsizing her reception to snacks or spending more money than she may have on a meal. I proposed an alternative, admitting her mistake early and personally, trusting her friends and coworkers to be understanding. None of these options are appealing, but they are all options.
Posted by FlintstonePearl[/QUOTE]

This isn't about being the perfect bride. It's about properly hosting guests that she has already invited to her wedding. Properly hosting could mean she scales back the meal. Maybe they have a pasta choice instead of a steak choice. She cuts back on flowers. She uses whatever decorations the venue already has. She skips favors. She has a sheet cake instead of a tiered cake. She gets a basic photo package that only photographs the ceremony and an hour or two of the reception. Skips a videographer.

There are dozens of ways to scale back the budget without being horribly rude and uninviting someone you have already invited. That's the same as giving a gift to someone and then realizing your bank account is overdrawn and asking for the gift back, so you can balance your account.

pinkprincess1952 · August 2012

There will always be people who arent going to come... so I wouldnt worry about it!

astern26 · June 2014

I am in a similar boat, but some of the STD's went out by accident; by accident duplicate names were printed and we didn't know until after we received some messages about the wedding. We feel awful! It broke my heart, but I gathered myself and made the calls.

LDay2014 · June 2014

astern26 said:

I am in a similar boat, but some of the STD's went out by accident; by accident duplicate names were printed and we didn't know until after we received some messages about the wedding. We feel awful! It broke my heart, but I gathered myself and made the calls.

SIB
This thread is 2 yrs old...please don't resurrect them.

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