prob with moh

ashalie33 · September 2010

what are the rules with maid of honors? the situation here is, i don't have a sister or close cousin or best friend forever since i was 2 that i promised could be my maid of honor one day. and i chose my friend who i met my fiance through. i have been engaged since january, i told her my plans with the wedding party in february, and somehow...it's now september.... and my flower girl is more enthused about my wedding than my moh? i brought this to her attention and all i got was text after text of excuses as to why she hasn't kept in touch over the past couple of months. she's "just been so busy and overwhelmed with starting grad school, give me 2 weeks... and i promise i'll start wedding stuff with you"

found out she just went to california for 4 days. miss oh so busy... was able to fly across the country, but can't take a 10 minute drive to meet up over coffee? the wedding is next june, and my fiance has been great with helping me get everything sorted. but now most of the plans are done.

what do i do =(

bablingbrooke · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:a6216f6b-3f72-4c0b-af7b-6ed5fd037469">moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]what are the rules with maid of honors? the situation here is, i don't have a sister or close cousin or best friend forever since i was 2 that i promised could be my maid of honor one day. and i chose my friend who i met my fiance through. i have been engaged since january, i told her my plans with the wedding party in february, and somehow...it's now september.... and my flower girl is more enthused about my wedding than my moh? i brought this to her attention and all i got was text after text of excuses as to why she hasn't kept in touch over the past couple of months. she's "just been so busy and overwhelmed with starting grad school, give me 2 weeks... and i promise i'll start wedding stuff with you" found out she just went to california for 4 days. miss oh so busy... was able to fly across the country, but can't take a 10 minute drive to meet up over coffee? the wedding is next june, and my fiance has been great with helping me get everything sorted. but now most of the plans are done. what do i do =(
Posted by ashalie33[/QUOTE]
I think you're being really immature, really rude, and really entitled. If you didn't have a good friend to ask to be MOH (frankly easy to see given your ugly attitude and crude post title) then you can't possibly be shocked that by asking someone you aren't that close to, you were going to get a non-enthusiastic MOH.

saxy414 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:a6216f6b-3f72-4c0b-af7b-6ed5fd037469">moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]what are the rules with maid of honors? the situation here is, i don't have a sister or close cousin or best friend forever since i was 2 that i promised could be my maid of honor one day. and i chose my friend who i met my fiance through. i have been engaged since january, i told her my plans with the wedding party in february, and somehow...it's now september.... and my flower girl is more enthused about my wedding than my moh? i brought this to her attention and all i got was text after text of excuses as to why she hasn't kept in touch over the past couple of months. she's "just been so busy and overwhelmed with starting grad school, give me 2 weeks... and i promise i'll start wedding stuff with you" found out she just went to california for 4 days. miss oh so busy... was able to fly across the country, but can't take a 10 minute drive to meet up over coffee? the wedding is next june, and <strong>my fiance has been great with helping me get everything sorted</strong>. but now most of the plans are done. what do i do =(
Posted by ashalie33[/QUOTE]

Well, that's good. That's who should be helping you plan, not your MOH. All she is required to do is buy a dress and show up clean and sober--it's just a nice thing that some MsOH and BMs offer to do more. If you keep up with the expectation that your MOH should be helping you plan, it's going to be a long wait till next June.

And what do you do now that most of your plans are done? Sit back and relax. Talk to her as a friend and not a member/slave in your wedding party. For what it's worth, my MOH lives 15 minutes away from me and has not done anything with me wedding-related in the 9 months we've been engaged, and my wedding is next July--I don't expect much to change there. Because she IS busy. Her life does not revolve around my wedding. I asked her because she is my best friend, the closest person to me, and what is important to me is that she will be standing right next to me at one of the most important moments of my life so far.

trix1223 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:a6216f6b-3f72-4c0b-af7b-6ed5fd037469">moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]what are the rules with maid of honors? the situation here is, i don't have a sister or close cousin or best friend forever since i was 2 that i promised could be my maid of honor one day. and i chose my friend who i met my fiance through. i have been engaged since january, i told her my plans with the wedding party in february, and somehow...it's now september.... and my flower girl is more enthused about my wedding than my moh? i brought this to her attention and all i got was text after text of excuses as to why she hasn't kept in touch over the past couple of months. she's "just been so busy and overwhelmed with starting grad school, give me 2 weeks... and i promise i'll start wedding stuff with you" found out she just went to california for 4 days. miss oh so busy... was able to fly across the country, but can't take a 10 minute drive to meet up over coffee? the wedding is next june, and my fiance has been great with helping me get everything sorted. but now most of the plans are done. what do i do =(
Posted by ashalie33[/QUOTE]

You plan your own wedding. As does every other bride.

Did you not lurk at all to find the other posts below that ask/say essentially the same thing that you're asking/saying? And that the answer is that your MOH is NOT responsible for helping to plan and/or execute your wedding? That's the responsibility of you and your FI.

She's NOT obligated to re-arrange her life around your wedding. Here's what a MOH does: she wears the attire. She walks down the aisle. She stands respectcfully during the ceremony. She smiles for the pictures.

Did you notice that those things all happen during the ceremony? Her role, as a MOH, starts and ends with the ceremony. That's it. Lock, stock and barrel.

Your wedding is 9 months away. That's a lifetime. Literally. A baby can be conceived and born before you have your wedding. Of course she's not excited about it. And good grief: you don't get to decide how she spends her free time 9 months before your wedding.

And geez: she's starting grad. school. OF COURSE she's busy and has a lot on her mind. Your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now. It ranks about #427 in her life. And that's fine. It's your wedding, not hers.

And calling your MOH a POS~lovely. I wouldn't want to have much to do with someone who would call me a POS either.

Lower your expectations. Realize that she's done nothing wrong. You went into this with an incorrect view of what a WP is all about. But you can fix it now by relaxing and not getting into a snit over an event that isn't happening for another 9 months.

saxy414 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:93ad7dde-2f25-4fe2-943e-5e36ba699675">Re: moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]And calling your MOH a POS~lovely. I wouldn't want to have much to do with someone who would call me a POS either.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This. I meant to say this, as well.

quotequeen · September 2010

what are the rules with maid of honors?

The rule is that they are called maids of honor.

trix1223 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:c92a86b9-94ea-461b-ba46-d04383c37af1">Re: moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]what are the rules with maid of honors? The rule is that they are called maids of honor.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

::snort::

heyimbren · September 2010

I had to read through this entire thread to figure out what you meant by "POS".

How rude are you? I don't have any advice to add besides what PP said, except maybe be nicer to your friends? What a concept!

She's in grad school. Are YOU in grad school? Don't judge her if you aren't. Post-secondary can be HARD and busy. Particularly grad school.

A trip to Cali? I don't blame her! She's in SCHOOL. She must be stressed out. And planning your wedding for you isn't going to help her relax. Not with your attitude anyways.

Your FI helped you plan, which is awesome. She absolutely is not a POS for "not planning your wedding". Stop watching so many bridal shows and reading bridal magazines. They're poison.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:b3d27a9c-5dfe-47dd-a9fe-c3c4be37c8d3">Re: moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]She's in grad school. Are YOU in grad school? Don't judge her if you aren't. Post-secondary can be HARD and busy. Particularly grad school.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
Particularly the first year of grad school. My first year of law school was hell.

baystateapple · September 2010

You sound like a real brat.

banana468 · September 2010

OK, I'm not going to be as harsh as some of the other posters. BUT, I think you're out of line.

The MOH isn't a wedding planner. So let her live her life and not YOUR life. Then wait for her to ask you how to be involved. Generally, the MOH doesn't do any wedding planning at all. That you and your FI are doing it is how things are supposed to be.

The MOH only has to be involved in the ceremony. She buys her dress and she's there the day of. The rest usually involves a shower or bachelorette but remember, those are gifts and you can't demand them.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

I sincerely hope you are a troll.

Cause if you're not, one of the few glimmers of hope I had for humanity just extinguished itself.

frogurt814 · September 2010

I don't know you, or your MOH, but I am offended by the fact that you called her a POS!

emilyinchile · September 2010

If you genuinely believe she is a POS, kick her out of your wedding and ruin the friendship. You'll be called a bridezilla (and totally deserve it), and any mutual friends will probably take the other girl's side, but if you actually dislike her as much as you make it sound like you do, maybe that's worth it to you.

Beyond that, chill the eff out. Just because she was able to take a trip somewhere (you didn't specify if it was a vacation or a family/school/work obligation) doesn't mean that she is falling down in her MOH duties by otherwise being busy. Being your MOH doesn't mean that all her time until the wedding should be focused on your wedding, and she's entitled to both work hard in grad school and play hard by using her little free time on a fun vacation (if it was in fact a vacation) rather than on your wedding stuff.

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

Did you srsly call her a POS because she has her own life and she's going to school? Are you familiar with rubber and glue?

jenn.daniel · September 2010

Have you ever been to grad school? It's absolute hell. You barely have enough time to bathe and sleep, let alone maintain friendships.

My MOH is in grad school. I didn't speak with her for 3 straight months this summer because she does a lot of her work in South America where she doesn't have a phone. When she had internet access, we emailed occassionally. My MOH is absolutely wonderful. Not because she's helped plan my wedding (she hasn't) or because she's super enthusiastic about the wedding (she isn't). She's wonderful because she's a good friend and I can talk to her about ANYTHING.

Work on the friendship. She doesn't have to be enthusiastic or help you plan.

lalap69 · September 2010

Did you seriously just call your MOH a POS?

Wow, you're a real peach.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

I would immediately cut ties with someone who referred to me as a POS, personally. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

SassyBrass · September 2010

How awful of this girl to take a small break to California in the midst of grad school instead of tying up loose ends on someone elses wedding! How DARE she!!

Really? That does not qualify your MOH as a POS.
She's not super stoked about your wedding and I don't blame her. First off, there are plenty of people (including MOH's) who just aren't over the top excited about weddings in general, don't take it so personal. And it's never her responsibilty to take care of your wedding. Knowing what "meeting for coffee" would entail, I wouldn't want to meet you either.
Seriously, be glad that your FI helped you plan. It's going to mean a lot more to the both of you than it would if he had no say. Plus if a lot of the details are taken care of this far out, you have time to relax and just be this girl's friend. Quit worrying about "rules" or "roles".

eshaufle · September 2010

You're MOH does not need to help you with anything wedding-related. Any time an MOH offers to help in any capacity is them going above and beyond and is by no means a requirement.

No matter how upset I was with a friend I would never ever ever call her a POS. If you actually feel that way then why is she your MOH? It doesn't even seem like you care about this friend...you just wanted someone to do your wedding slavework for you. Not cool.

jerseydevil · September 2010

Definitely does not deserve to be called a POS. That's overreacting. No one cares as much about your wedding as you do. Try just being friends with her and nice. Instead of stewing over the fact she flew to CA, try to spend some quality time bonding with her.

jess9802 · September 2010

I was a third year law student during the time my best friend was planning her wedding, and I was her MOH. While I was happy for her and mildly interested in hearing wedding details, I had my own life to live. I was finishing up school, working hard on law review, working a part time job, and looking for a permanent job after graduation. Plus, she lived six hours away from me, and I was flat broke *because I was in law school.*

Honestly, she'd probably be relieved if you cut her as MOH. You probably have no idea what a financial burden it can be to be in someone's wedding, especially when you're a student. You just need to decide if it's more important to have a minion or a friend.

marissa_claire · September 2010

I just now saw your title. Yikes lady!

FYI - you're the one dropping the rest of your life so that YOU can get married. You have no right and reason to believe that she is supposed to do the same. She might be excited for you, but it sounds like you're pissed that it's not the biggest thing in her life right now. Well, newsflash, it's doesn't have to be! I would be excited about a trip to California over about 95% of the weddings I've been to.

Clearly, as everyone else has mentioned, you need to drop the 'tude and be grateful that she's helping you at all.

SeptemberFall2011 · September 2010

While everyone else goes off on your etiquette rather than the true issue I have one question-when you asked her did you lay out her expected duties? When I was a MOH the bride expected me to listen to her rants (however dumb they were), find suggestions to solve wedding disagreements between her and parents, and go all over the state for dress shopping plus show up and make sure she looks good for her day. If you didn't I can see why you are having such trouble. Why not ask her to a coffee when it works for her and chat with her about what is going on in her life. Maybe she could care less on whether you have blue plates or pink plates but cares greatly that you want to have awesome presents for the bridal party. MOHs are to fit what the bride has in mind but the bride has to make it clear on what she expects as part of the duties.

lalap69 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:b05bcd6f-8434-4b44-affd-6c772b794a74">Re: moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]While everyone else goes off on your etiquette rather than the true issue I have one question-when you asked her did you lay out her expected duties? When I was a MOH the bride expected me to listen to her rants (however dumb they were), find suggestions to solve wedding disagreements between her and parents, and go all over the state for dress shopping plus show up and make sure she looks good for her day. If you didn't I can see why you are having such trouble. Why not ask her to a coffee when it works for her and chat with her about what is going on in her life. Maybe she could care less on whether you have blue plates or pink plates but cares greatly that you want to have awesome presents for the bridal party. MOHs are to fit what the bride has in mind but the bride has to make it clear on what she expects as part of the duties.
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]
NO, bridesmaids (including MOH) are to stand up for the wedding ceremony. THAT'S IT. If the bride goes in with huge expectations, that's HER problem, not the BM's. It's not a JOB that you need to have your duties laid out for. It's supposed to be an honour. BMs need to show up on time, wearing the dress while sober. THAT IS IT.

And no one is going off on her etiquette. Everyone is going off on the true issue, which is that the OP is being a shitty friend who called her MOH a POS for being busy with school and not dropping everything for her wedding.

CaseyandSalley · September 2010

ew, Id defreind any "freind" who called me a POS

VRL · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-pos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:7be67ef2-dd27-4276-941e-2c2072b06ab5Post:d6ab54dc-a1ec-4039-9d65-ebc3b7a1ff90">Re: moh who is a pos</a>:
[QUOTE]I would immediately cut ties with someone who referred to me as a POS, personally. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

This made me chuckle. Well said.

fyrefairie · September 2010

if you think she is a pos she definately shouldn't be your moh, but I think you're being a bit extreme....as a grad student I can tell you she proly is busy and stressed and if CA was her break from that good for her. If she were your best friend from toddlerhood she porbably would be more involved....she porbably knows you asked her because she was your best option not your best friend.....In any event if everythings planned and your FI is being helpful I am not sure what the problem is
My MOH has been super helpful with certain things (the invitations....because she LOVES doing calligraphy) but I haven't expected much from her and haven't asked her to do much except offer a few words of advice since she has been twice married and has experience....and she IS my best friend....

emilyinchile · September 2010

Love that OP came back to change the post title to make herself look better but didn't actually follow-up to either give us more info or thank us for the advice - classy.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

I want to believe that she thought it was a way of playing on the cadence of "M-O-H" by adding "P-O-S" and didn't realize how bad it sounded.

elisabethb29 · September 2010

wow... all I can say is wow. And ditto what everyone else said. You don't call your MOH, BM, friend, another human being a POS because they aren't living up to your ridiculous "standards." Sheesh.

prob with moh

Re: prob with moh

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