Struggling! Any advice?

Graykel · July 2010

I am deep in the planning process. The FMIL and FFIL are not wanting to be involved at all. They actually asked why we were calling them for the Groom's side guest list, we shouldn't be worrying about this stuff yet. ( I have this summer to plan so I can focus on my senior year.) When we go home, they ask minimal questions. When I ask their opinion they carelessly say whatever you want. Needless to say they are less than enthusiastic about having anything to do with the wedding. They live out of state and I am wondering do I keep offering opportunities for them or just send them an invite like everyone else? Should I invite FMIL to the bridal shower even if I know she won't /can't come? I'm just struggling with ettiquette and how to interact with parents that don't want to be invloved?

danieliza1127 · July 2010

It's okay if they aren't interested in the planning. Not everyone will be as interested or excited about it as you are. Yes you should invite her to your shower, since she is your FI's Mom. Other than that, don't ask them over every little details like food or flowers or cake. Just keep in the loop on big things like when they need to be somewhere for rehearsal and the wedding, and answer their questions if they ask any.

Brie2010 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_struggling-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f257d24-899b-49ea-9e66-4fe131e322c5Post:c27f5aa7-9093-4f2e-b73c-b3a2b82ca43c">Struggling! Any advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am deep in the planning process. The FMIL and FFIL are not wanting to be involved at all. They actually asked why we were calling them for the Groom's side guest list, we shouldn't be worrying about this stuff yet. ( I have this summer to plan so I can focus on my senior year.) When we go home, they ask minimal questions. When I ask their opinion they carelessly say whatever you want. Needless to say they are less than enthusiastic about having anything to do with the wedding. They live out of state and I am wondering do I keep offering opportunities for them or just send them an invite like everyone else? Should I invite FMIL to the bridal shower even if I know she won't /can't come? I'm just struggling with ettiquette and how to interact with parents that don't want to be invloved?
Posted by Graykel[/QUOTE]

Dude, consider the opposite side of the spectrum, in which your FFIL/FMIL have a say about EVERYTHING, criticize every decision, and add hundreds of people to the guest list. You've got it good.

It's your wedding; not theirs. They are likely just trying to stay out of your way so you get to have the wedding you want. And you know what? Some people just don't care about wedding details because they are minor and unimportant. It doesn't mean that she doesn't like you or care about your marriage to her son. Appreciate that.

And yes, you should invite FMIL to the bridal shower. Just because she doesn't giveashit about the color of your flowers doesn't mean she doesn't want to be included.

quotequeen · July 2010

Definitely invite FMIL to the shower. Other than that, I would keep the wedding discussion to a minimum.

baystateapple · July 2010

You do have a bit of time, but I can understand wanting to get a jump start on things like the guest list, especially since the budget depends almost entirely on the size of your wedding.

If they really show no interest at all in giving you a guest list, then talk to your FI about family/friends that he thinks they would invite. Then show them the list and say "This is what FI came up with, and this is who we will be inviting if you don't give us a list. If that's fine with you, good, but just know that we won't be adding anyone to it." Then they can't say you didn't warn them when they suddenly turn up with 30 more people they want to invite and you say no.

As for incorporating FMIL, it's always nice to ask, even if she blows you off. Put her on the list for whoever is throwing your shower, and be done with it. It's up to her if she comes or not, and in any case, you asked.

Graykel · July 2010

I think there is a bit of confusion. By involve her in the process i didn't mean gushing about colors and flowers. I'm saying she is against the idea of me marrying her son. I just want her to ask how it is going or if there is anything I need from them. Instead of taking two weeks to prepare them that we are going to ask them a question about a potential guest. I was just asking if I should keep involving them so they can see that I am a good person and someone they should be happy is in love with and marrying their son, or just let it go and accept that they are against the marriage?

september's bride · July 2010

My ILs offered no suggestions, advice or input of any kind. It's really not that big of a deal - just plan the wedding your way, and it will all be fine. You don't really need FMIL and FFIL to help.

ETA: It sucks that they're against the marriage, but part of their responsibility as parents was to raise a free-thinking, independant child. They've done that, and he's chosen his desired spouse. Don't be tempted to be over-accommodating or superduperspiffy nice, because it's not genuine and you won't be able to keep it up for the next 40 years. Just be yourself, be gracious in involving them in planning when it comes to major decisions (so that they can't say you never consulted them) and plan the wedding you and FI want.

quotequeen · July 2010

Why do you think they are against the marriage? Have they said so, or are you just assuming that based on the fact that they don't ask you how your planning is going? Do you know why they are against the marriage?

Brie2010 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_struggling-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f257d24-899b-49ea-9e66-4fe131e322c5Post:45340cd9-aa54-4b49-9787-251e7ac28021">Re: Struggling! Any advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there is a bit of confusion. By involve her in the process i didn't mean gushing about colors and flowers. I'm saying she is against the idea of me marrying her son. I just want her to ask how it is going or if there is anything I need from them. Instead of taking two weeks to prepare them that we are going to ask them a question about a potential guest. I was just asking if I should keep involving them so they can see that I am a good person and someone they should be happy is in love with and marrying their son, or just let it go and accept that they are against the marriage?
Posted by Graykel[/QUOTE]

Okay, these are two different issues.

You can't make her like you; you can just treat her graciously and respectfully and try to be the bigger person. That includes inviting her to the shower and things--she can choose not to attend, but you're just giving her ammo for not liking you if you're not invited.

I would have your FI handle all WR questions with her--like if there's a question about a guest, have him call her to ask.

Graykel · July 2010

I'm not the right religion. While my FI accepts it, they do not. They keep suggesting to my FI that we need to be on the same page religiously and that they would be happy to lead me in bible study. Also, they sat us down for an hour and a half to let me know what they expect of their children and their family in terms of a relationship with God.

squirrly · July 2010

If they're not happy about it, shoving it in their face daily isn't going to help. That's something your FI needs to address with them, and then he needs to create the guest list for his side of the family.

baystateapple · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_struggling-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f257d24-899b-49ea-9e66-4fe131e322c5Post:45340cd9-aa54-4b49-9787-251e7ac28021">Re: Struggling! Any advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there is a bit of confusion. By involve her in the process i didn't mean gushing about colors and flowers. I'm saying she is against the idea of me marrying her son. I just want her to ask how it is going or if there is anything I need from them. Instead of taking two weeks to prepare them that we are going to ask them a question about a potential guest. I was just asking if I should keep involving them so they can see that I am a good person and someone they should be happy is in love with and marrying their son, or just let it go and accept that they are against the marriage?
Posted by Graykel[/QUOTE]

You can't make them love you.

FFIL is completely apathetic about our marriage and is estranged from the family. He has absolutely no interest at all, and hasn't spoken to FI in years. Does it make me sad? Yes. And it used to really upset me. But I can't change it. And neither can you. Brush it off as best you can, and try to focus on your relationship with FI.

Meg1979 · July 2010

I'm in the same boat. My FMIL is not thrilled that I'm marrying her son, but he is old enough to make his own decisions. If your FI can't find all the address, there is the whitepages.com. You could check their addresses on there. If he can't think of all the people to invite, too bad for FMIL. She should have helped. It's not your problem. Just invite who you can. Presumably your FI has family numbers. Call them directly.

And, yes, invite his mother to the bridal shower and all functions. Remember that it isn't only polite, but it could get thrown back at you in a petty fight, "Oh! And remember when she didn't invite me to the bridal shower!?" You don't want that. She can always refuse, but the offer must be made.

quotequeen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_struggling-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f257d24-899b-49ea-9e66-4fe131e322c5Post:b0230c99-8d15-401e-b7e1-d692eb1599f8">Re: Struggling! Any advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not the right religion. While my FI accepts it, they do not. They keep suggesting to my FI that we need to be on the same page religiously and that they would be happy to lead me in bible study. Also, they sat us down for an hour and a half to let me know what they expect of their children and their family in terms of a relationship with God.
Posted by Graykel[/QUOTE]

Yeah, there really isn't anything you can do about that. You've made the decision to marry into this family, so the best thing you can do is learn to let go. Be polite and nice and invite them to everything, but don't expect them to suddenly start loving you or wanting to plan wedding.

noodle_oo · July 2010

I've been in this situation (ethnicity, not religion, but same deal). Don't keep trying to involve them or being super nice in the hopes that they will come to accept you. Their not accepting you has nothing to do with who you are as a person (ie. how nice you are). You can't convince them. I tried the same thing early on and it really hurt me to be so super nice to them and not have them care at all. It is really hard to not be accepted as you are and to continue to try to change them is not good for you or for them.

In my situation, it just took time. I gave up trying so hard with them. FI was always talking with them and keeping the dialogue open (and reiterating to them over and over again that he loves me and is making the choice to be with me whether they approve or not). It took a long time, but they finally accepted his decision and treat me nicely now. I still don't think we'll ever be best friends, but it is what it is. You are marrying your FI, not his parents. You need to be okay with being with him if it means his parents will never accept you. Once you are okay with that, it won't matter so much.

I'd still invite FMIL to the shower. But as PP said, don't keep trying to involve them if they don't want to be involved. Just invite them, let FI keep talking to them (if he wants) but if they don't show up, just remember it is their loss to miss their son's wedding.

Good luck!

Beachy730 · July 2010

You can't change how they feel about that part of it unless you decide to change religions. But if its not something important to your or FI then don't do it. Hopefully in time they will come around to you after seeing how happy FI is with you. Obviously your FI has made his choice that a life with you is more important, so hopefully they will too.

As for the planning process, my FI's family is pretty much the same. They aren't against us getting married at all, but just not interested in planning it or anything, which is completely fine with me. Truthfully, i think they would have been happier if we did a JOP wedding and backyard BBQ than the formal reception we are having. They don't call and ask what they can do to help, but they also haven't said "this is what you should do," or "I can't believe you aren't doing this." Its way less opinions given to me, which is great. They were invited to the shower, and will be to the RD of course, but other than that they have been pretty much the same as other guests. After hearing horror stories from friends and people on here I am much happier with my situation than if I had an overbearing FMIL.

But yes, invite her to the shower. You will only be adding fuel to her fire if you don't.

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