FMIL Vote

LesaBear · November 2009

Ok I need opinions. My FMIL went ahead and purchased a dress for the wedding without asking about the formality, colors, or what my mother is wearing. My FIs description of the dress: it has colors, and a pattern, and is black, orange, and brown and is longish. (I live many states away and have not seen it). What she wears is not the end of the world but I feel she should have at least asked how formal it should be or what color my mother is wearing so they won’t clash. She claims she didn’t know she was supposed to ask. This woman has been married three times so I think this is just another way to wreak havoc in my life since she decided to go insane when FI and I got engaged. So please, who thinks I should believe this? I’m gearing up for a turkey-day confrontation. Thanks!

Mrs.B6302007 · November 2009

You really think she bought a dress just to piss you off? That sounds like a lot of planning and effort on her part.If so, don't let her win by pissing you off. Let her wear whatever and keep smiling.

kmmssg · November 2009

Ditto the wise Mrs. B. I'm a 3 time MOB who REFUSES to call the MOG to tell her what my dress looks like. I find it to be rude and condescending. Each time the MOG has shown up at the wedding, dressed beautifully, and all was well. I just can't treat another woman like that.

faith194 · November 2009

I had no idea what my MIL nor my own mother was wearing until the day of the wedding. No issues at all. Everyone knows who the bride is, and it really doesn't matter what they wear. I think you need to pick your battles here. It is not a good way to start a marriage, being p!ssed off at your mother in law picking her own outfit for her son's wedding.

skippylouwho · November 2009

I am a MOB, I suggested to my daughter that she tell the MOG to buy whatever she wanted and not worry about what I'm wearing. I figure she's managed to dress herself all these years without my input, she doesn't need it now. If she does want to know what I'm wearing and would like to coordinate with me, that's fine but she does not need to feel she has to.

LesPaul · November 2009

You're about to make it an issue. But it's not necessary. Tell her it's lovely, smile, and ignore it. Everyone will be looking at you, and won't really care what she's wearing. If you make a big deal about it, she will dig in her heels and get defensive. If you're fine with it, she just might change her mind on her own and wear something else anyway.

lyndausvi · November 2009

You are overthinking this.My mom and MIL bought their dresses on their own pace without consulting each other. They both looked beauitful. If I recall they were only in a few pictures together anyway.Can I ask where does it end? Do your grandma's have to consult you also? What about siblings (or siblings-in-law)? How about your aunts? In my family we always do family pictures. Do they have to consult you to make sure they do not clash everyone else?and Ditto Kmmssg. I find it insulting that as a MOG I would have to give up my right to dress myself.

[Deleted User] · November 2009

Don't bring it up at Thanksgiving, everything will work out. How many pictures are the MOB and MOG even in together?

Leah&Christian09 · November 2009

Unless she is a bridesmaid, you have 0 say in what she wears. There is nothing to confront.

aerinpegadrak · November 2009

My FMIL did ask me for advice about what to wear, but she didn't ask what my mother was wearing. I just told her how the bridal party would be dressed, and that she could wear whatever she liked. She's an adult, she can dress herself.PPs bring up a good point: they aren't in that many pictures together anyway. If you think that she somehow horribly clashes with your mother, just don't buy any of the pictures that they're both in. If she chose a white ballgown, or something really slutty, then she would probably be trying to piss you off. But never attribute to malice what can be more easily explained by apathy. If you really think that she's trying to ruin your wedding by choosing her own clothing, then it sounds like you have issues with her that go far beyond a dress.

trix1223 · November 2009

As a former MOB, like kmm I wouldn't have dreamed of advising the MOG what she should wear. As it turned out, we wore vastly different styles of dresses, and guess what? No. One. Cared.She loved her dress. I loved mine.And as a former MOG, I am so grateful for the conversation with my delightful DIL:Me: What would you like me to wear for the wedding?DIL: Whatever makes you feel beautiful and comfortable.I think you're giving your FMIL way too much credit to imagine that she's trying to sabotage your wedding with a dress.Let this go. You're overthinking and overreacting.

redheadfsu · November 2009

dittos ppsPlease let it go. If you have a turkey-day confrontation you will look like the insane one.

banana468 · November 2009

Ditto PPs."This is just another way to wreak havoc in my life" ??I think that's being a bit melodramatic on the reaction.Let this go. The other posters (moms in particular) are absolutely correct. Forcing her to consult with the MOB is one of the more condescending things to do to a grown woman. If for some reason your wedding is going to be super crazy formal you can always be nice by showing your FMIL photos of the attire of the BMs and MOB in the hope that she'll take her cue from there. Beyond that, you need to let this go.

LesaBear · November 2009

Thanks for all of the advice. It seems like my concerns weren't made very clear. In the end yes the woman can dress herself. I just think she should have asked if I had any preferences before doing whatever she wants, not to contact my mom (I think that's a bit much). I have no intentions on telling the woman what to wear. We aren't having a WP so the mothers are a bit more important to me to make everything a bit more cohesive. I in no way want to start anything with her over T-day but she has been trashing the wedding since we got engaged. Every single time I see her she says we shouldn't rush into anything (we've been dating 6 years), we have the rest of our lives to get married so we shouldn't do it right away, we should get married in a cemetary (not sure why on this one but it was after invites had gone out), etc. So yes I think she would buy a dress to piss me off. And yes I have issues with her that go further than the dress. I just don't think I can take anymore negative comments about the wedding and I am afraid she will make a deal of it over t-day because she did a very similar thing at a family reunion over the 4th saying that we were full of ourselves and should just have a double wedding in her backyard.

banana468 · November 2009

OK, not on the dress issue but on other issues involving the wedding, your FI needs to speak up."Mom, we're working really hard at making this a fantastic celebration that we hope you and all the guests will enjoy. It really hurts when you insult everything that we put a lot of effort into creating. "

tinkerbell.katie81 · November 2009

My FMIL asked me what our colors were, but I think it was just for the sake of making conversation and being interested in the wedding, not for trying to figure out what she should wear. I will be happy with whatever she decides because I know she will look beautiful. I think the only thing that would offend me would be if she decided to wear all white or all black (like she was going to a funeral). I think you reading a little too much into it. Pick your battles, and IMHO this isn't one to fight.

ootmother2 · November 2009

I'm sorry that you have a wacko FMIL but I really think it's not intended directly at you. It's just the way she is. I (MOB) had a lot of fun with my daughter choosing a gown for her wedding. Her FMIL did ask me what color I was wearing, the stlye and formality were obvious by the time and venue. She brought some pictures of a couple of dresses to show the bride and her own two daughters as well. Guess we all just need our daughters to dress us ;)Seriously now, it sounds as though the dress issue is minor and you will probably have larger issues in the future if the behavior you spoke about continues. Let the little things go and try to keep Thanksgiving peaceful.Good luck!

megk8oz · November 2009

Enough people have explained it for me: drop it, it's no big deal. Really. It's. No. Big. Deal.

laimabean · November 2009

I was kinda weidred out when my MIL to be asked what I wanted her to wear, I told her the colors of the wedding and said that anything that goes with those colors will be ok, she still doesn't want to buy her dress until she knows what my mom is wearing and exacly what color I want. I hadn't even thought of asking my mom what she was gonna wear yet. I really didn't think it mattered at all.

zitiqueen · November 2009

What is your FI's response to his mother when she makes all these snide comments about your wedding?

duckie1905 · November 2009

I just think she should have asked if I had any preferences before doing whatever she wants.Why? She probably thinks like most on this board in assuming that she can dress herself.Her comments? Well, that's a whole other issue/

skillen1123 · November 2009

LONG ONE - Oh i know how you feel about thinking that your FILs are trying to sabatoge your wedding. I was told flat out we should not have picked a January date and that my winter wedding could not and WILL not look anything like a christmas wedding due to my FSIL wanting to have a christmas wedding (that is, when she gets engaged) But our colors were already chosen and my FI and I chose Hunter green and charchol. Well after the blow up of not having anything christmas or holiday and bordering on not even winterish, My FMIL deceided to purchase a Fire Engine Red suit to wear to the wedding. With her wearing a red suit and me in white and her daughters (my BMs) in green isn't that going to look a bit Christmas"y" Anyway, i don't care too much what she looks like as i know i'm going to have the time of my life whether she shows up in a potato sack or couture gown...It's her son's wedding though and what she wears won't be an issue the day of...don't ruin (or let her ruin) thanksgiving or your wedding. What she wears is her doing, don't let this be a make it break it item to your relationship...you have to spend the rest of your life as her daughter in law, make it a low priority.

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