Interracial Weddings

New to the board and need some advice

Hey! So my fiancée is African American and I am white. Everyone we know family, friends and acquaintances is cool with it, except one of the most important people in my life. My dad. I am a daddy's girl and have been his little princess my whole life. I started dating my fiancée and he tells me that he is disappointed in me and that our children will be confused and not know their identity. It really bugs me that he is saying these hurtful things. Will it ever go away? Will he ever just come around? Any advice for making this situation better would be great! Thanks and congrats to all the beautiful brides!! Laughing

Re: New to the board and need some advice

  • edited December 2011
    Hi! I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm Black and my FI is Whte. I actually prepared myself for the worst and got the opposite reaction. I dont have any good advice but when people really love you they do come around. I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It makes me sad and quite upset that in this day and age we still have to deal with this. Keep your head up and congrats to you too!
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  • mr&mrsVJCmr&mrsVJC member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks mrswac58!
    I really hope he does come around! Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, it means so much! Im glad to know that there is support out there! 
  • edited December 2011
    I will say that in my situation it got better! My parents said the same thing about my kids...along with me asking to give the first one up for adoption because they said that being a single mom (at that time) plus the struggle of having mixed kids would be too much to for me to handle alone.
    Now I am happy to say that my parents ADORE my kids! From the second they were born! Your kids will know who they are....I think it is more common to be mixed now then not anyways (lol).
    My daughter when she was 3 said, "Mommy you are white, daddy is black and God made me beige!" Never been an issue of any identity problems!
  • edited December 2011
    mr&mrsVJC, it will be OK!  When your dad sees how truly happy you are, he will be happy for you too!  And when kids come along, any concerns he has will melt away!

    My parents weren't worried about race, but rather that my husband is from another country and they were worried they didn't understand all the implications of that.  They asked hiim a ton of questions and he handled it well.  From that point on, they were 100000% behind us getting married (we weren't engaged yet).  When we got to our wedding day, my dad said to me, "I know I shouldn't say it because of your sisters, but your wedding was the happiest I've ever been to.  You two just glow with happiness.  That is all I have ever wanted for you."  And now the baby pressure is on!! :-)

    As for your kids, they will be happy, healthy kids!  I agree, it seems like they will be the norm in their generation, not an exception.  And their grandfather will be sooo excited to spend every minute he can with them.

    Good luck!
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  • ellone400ellone400 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    It will work out my son is biracial too but we have never had a promblem and the kids wont be confused the world is full of mixed people
  • edited December 2011
    I didn't read all the replies, but here's a shortened version of my 2 cents.

    The same thing happened with my dad, compounded by the fact that we announced our engagement before they met. After a few months of letting him process and some very awkward conversations it came down to him being raised in a home that had some very negative things to say about mixed race babies. He overcame his concerns about us as a couple, but was forced to address then negativity he had been taught growing up, but didn't agree with.  

    My advice, just listen to your dad, then slowly address his concerns. Let  him get to know your FI and let him ask questions. Don't argue or tell him he's wrong, try to be understanding that this is difficult for an older generation and he's probably honestly trying to support you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I am white and my FI is black (with a Muslim last name though he and his family are no longer Muslim).  I had to cut my grandparents out of my life because even after going to counseling with them they wouldn't come around.  My FI's family is far more diverse than mine and has many biracial cousins.  He knows first hand that with love and support biracial children do just fine.  He also knows that when the families make them feel like they have to "pick" a race, that is when they struggle.  Explaining how important support is to your dad may help him see how biracial children can be find if families don't make them feel weird.  Find out what else is behind the issue.  If necessary, go to a third party for help.  The therapist I went to with my grandparents had a way of rephasing what I said to take out the emotional hurt I had and say it in a logical way (too bad my gparents arent good with logic).  Best of luck
  • edited December 2011
    My fiance is Indian, but in the past I dated an African American man and my dad said some strong things. I was pretty shocked, because my parents had never shown themselves to be racist before. They apparently are fine with all race issues... except interracial relationships. My dad's reasoning was people would be too cruel to me, and it would be too tough of a life for his daughter.  I just didn't listen to him.

    My sister also dated interracially once, and I've also brought it up a few times since... and I noticed my parents start to mellow. They were afraid for the way society would treat me, and while it was racism on their part, when they started to see that in my generation very few people make a fuss about it (and those who do are labelled as racist), they relaxed.

    When I started dating Ryan, they really never brought up the race issue, except Mom saying in a tense-but-trying-to-pretend-she-wasn't "Is he from an Hindu or Muslim background?" and being shocked when I explained his parents are actually Christian (she already knew he was), but that was more a religion issue than a race issue.  They grew through time (and I think the fact that they like Ryan way more than my ex matters a lot too) and I'm sure your dad will grow too when he opens his eyes to the truth.
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  • I'm black and my now husband is white and my family was fine. His mother was very vocal about how dark I was and how nervous she is about us having children. Everyone says that once the child is born, she'll melt and I hope that's true. As for the wedding and marriage itself, your father will come around because if you are a Daddy's girl, he'll miss not talking to you and seeing you. You have to be happy first. Peace and love.

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