Tension w/daughter over $$ difficulties

dianes13grl · February 2010

My 26yo daughter is recently engaged. We are thrilled for her and absolutely love her fiance. However, we had to have a difficult conversation w/her to tell her that we are having financial difficulties with our business and have been making ends meet over the last year with reduced monthly income and depending on our savings. We cannot commit to helping her financially at this time, not knowing if we would be able to honor that commitment when the time came. She is very hurt and disappointed of course, but she is also very angry that we didn't tell her sooner and "led" her to believe that she could count on us. We have always intended to provide $$ for a nice wedding, but also didn't feel we needed to disclose our personal financial situation to her "in advance", not knowing when she would get engaged. She is not willing to postpone a wedding and doesn't want to have a small wedding without food and open bar. We don't know how to resolve this with her and don't want to be estranged. My husband and I have always provided for her (college, car, extra cash, etc) when she needed it, and now we cannot help on one of the most important days of her life. She even questioned how much money we gave to our church over the past years that we could have been saving. She has never behaved this way and I know that she is hurt, but I think this was way out of line. It has caused considerable strain in our communications now (she lives in another state). She doesn't expect her biological father and stepmother to help much, if at all. They have never provided any funds for college, etc. in the past. My husband (who has been a part of her life since she was 3) and I are devastated. We were able to provide a considerable amount of $$ for her older sister's wedding over 7 years ago and I know the precedent was set, which also set the standard of expectations. Are there any ideas that we haven't thought of that could help this situation? Any advice would be appreciated. (so sorry for the long post...)

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

Your daughter is really behaving like she's entitled and spoiled. She should be grateful that you've been able to provide so many things for her growing up. Part of being an adult means not relying on your parents for money and learning how to prioritize what you want and save the money to get it. FFS, you've given her a college education. Do you know how many of us 20 somethings are out here with stacks of student loans because our parents didn't have the means to do that?

The only advice I have is to send her here. This board is full of women who want big fancy weddings and aren't getting a big chunk from parents. People have tons of advice (especially on the budget board) for how to get a nice wedding on a tight budget, and how to save the money to do it.

All I can say is that you should not feel bad about this. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, and you shouldn't let your adult child make you feel guilty for not handing over a ton of cash for a party. It would be financially irresponsible for you to dip into savings that you need to spend on one day.

simply.me · February 2010

I completely agree with MyNameIs Your daughter chould be grateful that you have been able to support her as much as you have in the past. Part of growing up is learning to live within YOUR means (not that of your parents).

If she wants a wedding now, then she will have to compromise with what she can afford to pay herself. There are many of us who are doing it. Neither my nor my fiance's parents are paying anything, despite the fact that they paid for his sister's wedding. I for one feel blessed that my mother is willing to spend the money to participate (fly out to pick a dres with me, perhaps help to pay for my grandparents to come to my wedding).

I think this is actually a great opportunity for your to "cut the strings" and begin to have your daughter start to live independently, as part of the reason she is behaving like this is because you have allowed her to expect things from you. Even if things so change, I would still not pay. Perhaps give her a cash gift AFTER the wedding is planned.

I also think it wise of your to be frugal and not decide to take out a loan or dip into savings.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

Your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat and if she came here, we'd tell her that in a heartbeat.

If she is depending on you to pay for her party, then perhaps she isn't ready to be married and be on her own. She needs to be able to support herself and her future family and not expect you to save the day all the time.

My parents can't help, but I'm an adult so I don't expect them to. I would feel AWFUL if they spent more than they could reasonably afford to do. Ditto PPs, it is wise to let her plan a party she can afford. It was rude of her to assume you were paying before you discussed it. If times do improve and you can help, then perhaps you can help her with some upgrades, but she should plan a party she can afford, or postpone until she can afford the party she wants. Sometimes being a grownup involves delayed gratification, and the sooner she learns that, the better.

Pirata13 · February 2010

Agreed. She should be grateful you helped her in the past, but unfortunately that set her up to believe you'd pay for this too. The only thing you can tell her besides "Grow up" is that if you are able, you will help when the time comes if you can, and that in the meantime she & her FI should plan the wedding they can afford.

Pirata13 · February 2010

Also I really hope you told her it was none of her business how much you gave to your church when you asked.

duckie1905 · February 2010

Aside from the fact that your financial decisions and problems are none of her business, she is acting like she is entitled to your money, which makes her a brat. While you may have led her to believe that you would be able to help when she did get engaged, times have changed for many people. I'm glad she is financially in a good place but if she can't understand that you aren't, I don't know what you can tell her.

She needs to be grateful that you've helped her so much in the past. Trust me, not all children have that luxury and paid for our own cars, insurance, college, and weddings. She's got a leg up on the rest of us that had to work hard, take out loans, and live on a budget to achieve those things for ourselves.

Sit down with her and tell her how happy you are for her. But then, tell her you won't be able to give her money because you simply can't and she needs to plan a wedding that she can afford. Assure her you'll be there to support her emotionally but if she's too old to assume that mom and dad will always pay for everything.

As a child, I would feel horrible being upset and badgering my parents to give me money that they don't have that I don't have any right to in the first place. Time for princess to get a cold dose of real world reality.

trix1223 · February 2010

I'm a mom. In the past 3 years I've been MOG and MOB. And I have to say that I would be appalled if either of my children behaved as your DD is behaving.

I don't think your owe your DD the wedding of her dreams. And this is a great time to remind her that life isn't always fair. When your other DD was married, you were in a different place than you are now. That's called reality.

And the sooner your entitled younger DD learns that as a 26 year old woman, with a paid for college education, it's time to grow up and start to behave like an adult. And that means realizing that sometimes you have to change your ideas and visions. And sometimes you'll be disappointed, but that the sun will still come up in the morning, and it's NOT the end of the world.

I'd think it's time to tell your DD that you are very disappointed in her attitude and her responses to you. I'd tell her that a parent doesn't OWE a child a wedding. And that she's now and adult. Start acting like one.

Please send her here to this board. We'll be happy to help. In the meantime, stick to your guns. Tell her that the discussion is over, and she can begin planning the wedding she can afford.

Sorry your DD is treating you like this.

skippylouwho · February 2010

I am a MOB and MOG and I completely understand your financial situation.

My husband has basically been out of work for 20 months. We've been ok, financially, to this point and not behind on anything. We've not had extra money for anything but we were ok on my salary and savings. As of this month we are no longer ok. Savings are basically gone (not retirement funds) We are to the point now where we are barely hanging on. Our kids both understand that we cannot give them anything towards their weddings at this time. If my husband finds a job then, depending on his salary, things may be different. We are blessed in that both of them have worked out their budgets with their FIs and are moving forward with their plans.

It is very depressing and scary to be at this stage in our lives and not know how we're going to get through this. It is even more depressing to me to not be able to contribute to either wedding. I KNOW it is their weddings but I WANT to contribute. It is hard for me to look the other parents (FSIL's and FDIL's) in the eye. It is a horrible feeling to not be able to help with your children's weddings.

simply.me · February 2010

Skippylou and Diane

I applaud you two for wanting to contribute to your children's weddings. I don't think there is any issue with that. I know my mom would love to say "don't even think of the cost, just make sure you have a pretty princess day", but that's not reality.

It's more important as my mom's child to know that she has food on her table and is living comfortably. I would hope that your daughter's (and son's) sentiment would be the same - that what really matters is that you will be there standing by here side to enjoy the day - no matter how expensive or thrifty the wedding is.

megk8oz · February 2010

DH and I are 25 and we were just married last month. We paid for the entire wedding ourselves.

When we first got engaged, we knew that none of our parents would be able to help us: DH's mother has been employed on and off for the past 3 years, DH's father is in a similar situation. My bio-dad congratulated me on my engagement by informing (verbatum) that he "wasn't going to give me money just so my mother and grandmother could throw a party" (I've never asked him for money in my entire life). My mom and step-dad have been having money troubles of their own for years and what limited income they have is spent trying to support my other 4 siblings and my neice (I'm not the oldest, but I am the first to become "independent").

So we knew from the begining that a "dream" wedding was not going to happen. We had to prioritize, decide what compromises where worth making (And which ones weren't). We wound up having a longer engagement than we originally wanted, but we were able to budget and save to get ourselves to a point where we could throw ourselves a wedding we wouldn't be dissapointed in.

By my own idea of "perfection" when I first got engaged, did I have a "perfect" wedding? No.

But did I have a "perfect" wedding? Yes.

Our guests had a blast, and at the end of the day, I was married to my "favorite person ever". If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have changed a thing, including paying for it ourselves. Throughout the night, I kept feeling so amazed seeing what we were able to accomplish without any help.

jaime,ford87 · February 2010

I'm 22 and my mother put me through college. She gave me my first car and the insurance payout after I totalled it paid for my current car. She supported me and my son when we had nothing.
She saved our lives.
I would love for her to be able to pay for a huge fancy wedding for me, the wedding of my dreams. Call me a spoiled brat, because I am.
But I would never ask her to give more than she could afford.
I can understand your daughter's bratty behavior because I haven't always been the ideal daughter, but she is in the wrong! Don't let her bully you into paying for anything. I know that you would love to be able to give her the world on a silver platter, but that's not reality, and at 26 she needs to realize this. When she gets married it will be her and her husbands job to pay for their housing, their cars, their insurance, their everything. Assuming mommy will pay for the wedding is not a good way to begin the journey into adulthood. You should tell her that she has hurt your feelings. She may not realize how immature and hurtful she's being.

AdeleDazeem · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tension-wdaughter-over-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7942411f-ea26-4740-9235-c51dd9276dd6Post:56318101-89dd-4a09-9e62-bcbf23d1f855">Re: Tension w/daughter over $$ difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]hmm... i would probably be a bitchy brat in that situation too. my parents always paid for everything. i would be so upset if they weren't paying for my wedding. [ they are paying for the whole thing but it's still not close to what i always thought it would be because they lost a ton in the stock market] <strong>when you've always been spoiled it's hard to suddenly change the norm or what you've been used to your whole life. especially when it's a big occasion like this you think oh since i've had all this in the past.. my wedding will be so wonderful compared to everything else before it..& then no. nothing.</strong> i will freely admit that i know i would be pissed & hurt. especially if my sister had been married before me & my parents paid for it. i think that's completely unfair & probably the biggest issue she has with it all. i know you probably didn't expect to lost the money but i definitely think once you paid for one you should've kept the same amount aside for the other. otherwise it just looks like favoritism even if you don't mean it to.
Posted by cellarius[/QUOTE]

Oh my god, no.

My parents covered every expense I had from when I was born through college. They even covered more expensive things for me after I started working. But, I have moral compass and desperately wanted to stop asking them for so much.

Never did I expect my parents to pay for my wedding. My fiance and I planned a budget and were ready to pay for it ourselves. My parents have offered to pay and we have accepted, but believe me when I say that if they came to me and said they had financial problems that my wedding would be the FIRST burden removed from their shoulders. No question. Regardless of what my parents paid for my sister, blah blah blah.

I'm sorry your daughter is behaving like a brat, OP. She is in the wrong and one day she will realize it - perhaps when the glow of the wedding she paid for is over and she realizes what the day was truly about.

dianes13grl · February 2010

Wow. Thank you all for your comments. Even the post who says "i know you probably didn't expect to lost the money but i definitely think once you paid for one you should've kept the same amount aside for the other. otherwise it just looks like favoritism even if you don't mean it to."

I'm looking at this situation with much clearer perspective now, which I really knew all along, but wanted to hear from others who weren't emotionally involved in our personal situation. Except for the one post, I hear the same message from moms and daughters, and that is that life happens, and it isn't always "fair." To think that I should've "kept the same $$ set aside for a wedding" rather than pay for utilities, mortgage, health care insurance, etc. is coming from the same mentality that my daughter has. I recognize that my daughter is acting very childish and immature, and our desire to provide her with a good start in life has probably not served her well. She hasn't considered that this is not an easy road we're traveling on, in our mid-50's, to be exhausting savings just to keep things together. I mentioned that she has never behaved this way, but that's probably because we've never said, "no" before, and she doesn't know how to accept this. She does need to grow up, and that's not such a bad thing! Thank you for your thoughtful and honest comments!

simply.me · February 2010

Good luck. Mother daughter relationships can be hard, but hopefully this rough patch and learning to say no will (in the long run) strengthen your relationship with your daughter.

megk8oz · February 2010

Another thing is, my parents (Mom and Step-Dad) would give me everything if they had the means. And I know this is true. My mother seriously would have given me a million dollar wedding and a super swank honeymoon and asked for nothing but a "Thank You" in return if the money was there. I did grow up with certain things being taken care of for me, but because my parents' money situation was constantly fluxuating, I learned very early on that if I got help from them, it was a "nice surprise", and that I shouldn't "expect" the help.

My parents helped me buy my first car, which was brand new (It's a Hyundai Accent, I still drive it today) ... but I had to pay for 1/2. So I had to work to get the money for that 1/2. They were able to do the same for my older sister. I also had my first year of college paid for, but after that, they just weren't able to do more. My younger brother and sister have recently graduated high, and because of everybody's financial situations, it just wasn't in the cards for my parents to do the same for them. They were dissapointed, but they never gave my parents crap about it. They got jobs, applied for student loans and thanked God that they at least weren't in one of those families where you get kicked out of the house at 18 and had to keep a roof over their heads as well.

Like me, they've learned that Mom & Dad are going to help whenever it's humanly possible ... but it's just not always going to be humanly possible. So we've all learned about things like self-reliance, and that's something every kid needs to learn. And at 26 years old, that's more than old enough to stand on your own 2 feet.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2010

I agree with PPs. I am 27 years old and my parents paid for most of my education (including car insurance while I was in school) and I am VERY grateful. They cannot pay for my wedding. So I am paying myself.

I think you are very smart to not make promises. We have lots of brides on this board say they have parents who said they would pay for the reception only to back out at the last minute, and then the couple can't afford to cover it. I would offer to give her a delayed honeymoon at some point when you can afford it, but with the way she's acting, I might hold off on that promise.

I agree you should send her to the Knot. Also suggest ways she can afford a dinner reception with an open bar. Have it at a park or community hall. Find a place that allows her to bring in outside catering and alcohol. Or perhaps have a bunch reception.

Oh and my mom is in the same boat you are. She would LOVE to be able to pay for my wedding, but she can't. My father hasn't offered one cent, nor would he even if he had it.

krmabojo · February 2010

I am going to be 23 when I am married. I am planning my wedding as though my parents and my FIs parents are not going to help. The way both parents are (if economy permits) we know they will want to help out.

Your daughter should not expect for you and your husband to pay. She should not be planning as such. If you told her you could help now you cannot, she needs to realize that money is tight for many many people. She needs to open her eyes and realize this.

gower2be · February 2010

I admit I have been acting a bit spoiled and been vocal about my wants so I can understand she has hurt feelings but she is acting waay out of line. She needs to know her limit or make cuts to accomidate otherwise cough up the cash on her own. This is 2010 the brides parents are not entitled to anything. Also you are obviously fantastic parents by providing her with necessities and an education so don't feel bad at all maybe she needs a lesson on modern economics and have it explained to her that times are tough for everyone and as a business owner you're going to hurt. Give her a reality check, and this coming from a Bridezilla

DianneMoB · February 2010

Kudos to the smart brides who have posted here. It's great to see young women who are sensible about money and life.

marinabreeze · February 2010

I don't get the whole entitlement thing, even with having siblings. My parents did provide for me as they could, with a private school education, my first car, etc. However, I did have to provide for my own college education, and my fiance and I are saving for our own wedding (part of the reason why we have a longer than normal engagement). I have younger siblings, and in some ways I think they were more spoiled than myself, who grew up while my parents were having major financial difficulties, but life is not fair.

I would totally agree that your daughter is being a spoiled brat about the situation. She's not entitled to having her wedding paid for by you and your husband. It would be nice, but it's not possible. She needs to either wait until the economy improves, or better yet, she and her fiance should pay for it themselves.

At the same time, I don't think you are off the hook for the tension in your relationship with your daughter. On one hand, it's great that you looked to give her the best start in life, but it's also important to teach kids to learn the value of hard work. Apparently that lesson was lost on her, and I can't say that's completely her fault. I think that you need to take a little responsibility for that as well, not in terms of paying for the wedding, but in terms of the relationship going south. The precedent was set for her to think that mommy and (step)daddy would pay for everything, and for the first time in her life concerning an event that means a lot to her, she is hearing "no." I don't see how you can expect for her to respond any differently.

snoangel79 · February 2010

wow, I would never do that to my parents. Sorry

I would never expect them to pay for anything, they originally said they wanted to give 10k towards my wedding a while back but have since fell on hard times. My fiance and I are paying for most of it. My parents are covering some of the flowers and his parents the rehearsal dinner. I don't know what to say, she's lucky to have you guys pay for college too and a car!!! I worked since I was 14 so I don't know what to say...

[Deleted User] · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tension-wdaughter-over-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:7942411f-ea26-4740-9235-c51dd9276dd6Post:56318101-89dd-4a09-9e62-bcbf23d1f855">Re: Tension w/daughter over $$ difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]hmm... i would probably be a bitchy brat in that situation too. my parents always paid for everything. i would be so upset if they weren't paying for my wedding. [ they are paying for the whole thing but it's still not close to what i always thought it would be because they lost a ton in the stock market] when you've always been spoiled it's hard to suddenly change the norm or what you've been used to your whole life. especially when it's a big occasion like this you think oh since i've had all this in the past.. my wedding will be so wonderful compared to everything else before it..& then no. nothing. i will freely admit that i know i would be pissed & hurt. especially if my sister had been married before me & my parents paid for it. i think that's completely unfair & probably the biggest issue she has with it all. i know you probably didn't expect to lost the money but i definitely think once you paid for one you should've kept the same amount aside for the other. otherwise it just looks like favoritism even if you don't mean it to. i know it's most people's automatic reaction to call out your daughter & say her behavior is rude or totally crazy but i don't think is their place or is fair. they don't know her or what she's always had her heart set on. when you expect something [even if in reality maybe you shouldn't] or are used to living in a certain way it's very hard to accept if it goes a different way. i completely disagree on you thinking you didn't have to tell her about your $$ difficulties though. even if she wasn't engaged then, that's what her sister had & what you probably discussed before, & what she thought would be fair. basically she wasn't wrong for assuming it would be the same for her so it's definitely something she should've been told once you realized it. maybe you didn't need to disclose every detail but you could've said you probably won't be able to help with anything anymore or for a while. now she's been totally blindsided & probably has no idea what to do & probably can't help being super upset instead of happy to plan or for her engagement. i agree that she could be more grateful & what she's doing isn't really appropriate etc but i totally understand & can't blame her. i'm sure she's just acting this way out of frustration & hurt. i definitely don't think it's fair make her seem totally in the wrong. aw i'm sorry this happened i feel so bad for her & i'm sure you feel bad too. i think you should see & calculate if saving for a yr or more what you would be able to help her with & once you know discuss waiting a little while for the wedding if it's enough to make a difference.. gl!
Posted by cellarius[/QUOTE]

For the love of all that is holy. No. It's called life. And with life comes disappointment. If she's gone 26 years without dealing with disappointment in a way that doesn't make her seem like the biggest brat on the planet, then she's been a very lucky girl. It sounds like you could use a dose of reality yourself. I think it's understandable for the DD to feel disappointed, but her actions are 100% unacceptable. Period.

Tension w/daughter over $$ difficulties

Re: Tension w/daughter over $$ difficulties

Choose Another Board

Search Boards