Still don't know how to deal with this mom issue

M&R7111 · June 2010

A while ago I had a post on here about my FMIL being a little too "motherly" to my FI (IMO). I said how FI was still on her cell phone plan, paying only $10/month.
(FYI - talked to FI - he is now on OUR PLAN - he's not a momma's boy by choice, sides with me on issues - we are good)

Well, I also complained that she buys us groceries, which many of you said was not a big deal. But lately she has been up my grill. Story:

FI got a new job as a federal park officer in Philly starting this week. He needs to pack a lunch so I went food shopping and bought things for him to pack, water, Gatorade, sandwich stuff.

FMIL comes over today with a huge bag of Gatorade bottles (was on sale, which is why I bought some) and things for his lunches - and then tells me she's going to come by later with a 24 pack of water. She says I should remember to tell him to put the water in the freezer so that when he drinks it at lunch, it will still be cold. Why the hell is she driving over to my house with lunch items for my future husband?? And why the advice with the water??? Is he five?

I was standing on the doorstep baffled. I told her, with a big smile, that I JUST picked this stuff up, but thank you for the additional items. She seemed confused by this.

Momma Mia! I think we need to move. Does anyone watch Everyone Loves Raymond? I'm the wife!!

And again, before everyone says I should leave him and he's a momma's boy - he doesn't go to her for advice, things he needs, to complain about me - she does this on her own. Actually, the Pink Floyd song "Mother" was on the radio, I laughed and said he should dance the mother/son dance with her to this. He thought it was funny!

debdebdol · June 2010

I think she doesn't want to let go. Her baby boy is all grown up and she still considers him to be her baby. My mom is the same way with my brother, and always has been. She does his laundry and cleans up his room when he has specifically told her not to. Unless you or FI talk to her and tell her to tone it down, it is not going to stop.

quotequeen · June 2010

I still don't see why this is such a huge thing for you. It wouldn't bother me if FMIL wanted to bring us some groceries or whatever.

But if it really bothers you that much, you will probably have to move away.

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

Eh, I don't see that part as a huge deal. Now, if she starts making the lunches and bringing them to him every morning with a "mommy loves you" note I'd be concerned.

waltzingmatilda13 · June 2010

Okay, here's what needs to happen. FI needs to call his mom and tell her, that while he loves her and appreciates her stopping by and giving advice, she needs to let him and his future wife learn to together and support each other alone. That means calling before she comes over and not offering unsolicited advice.

I don't see a problem with her buying things, but if you do have FI explain that you both have jobs and don't need the help.

My concern here is that if this continues it's going to balloon into a whole world of problems after you're married and if you have kids. I've seen it before and the best course of action is to nip it in the bud ASAP. And since it's FMIL, FI needs to be the one to lay down the law because if it comes from you she will think you're trying to "steal her boy away" or something to that effect.

Good luck!

jedaniel · June 2010

I wish my FMIL brought us groceries. My mom does sometimes. Normally friut and water, she wants me to eat healthier. The grocery thing I wouldn't take as a big deal, if anything maybe it would help yall out financially. If she was doing his laundry or comes and tries to clean you house or something that would be different. I would just laugh it off.

JoyTate1 · June 2010

I don't think the groceries thing is a big deal at all. My mom will buy stuff on sale occasionally for us. I like free food. My mother did cross the line when she was dog sitting for us and she decorated our house for fall while we were gone.

I just tell my mom when she crosses a line. "Mom, it was very sweet of you to decorate, but FI and I would like to do these things on our own in our new home. I am sure you understand." She always does. I am the youngest of 3 girls and therefore still her "baby". Communication is the answer.

SheDiva4 · June 2010

I remember your post and it seems that since they your FI had taken steps to cut the apron strings, i.e getting off his mother cell phone plan etc. However MIL doens't want to let him go. It will be a transition and she will eventually have to get use to the fact he will soon be married.

While it will forever annoy you that she grocery shops (as if you can't do it) let it go. I think you handled the situation fine when she brought the groceries by. I think that before your FI enabled her by not really caring too much about things she did, he's probably quite accustomed to her behavior.

Ddon't let her get under her skin, the extra groceries will always come in handy.

stellabbella129 · June 2010

If you think you need to move, then move. But don't be talking to other people like "OMG we're contemplating MOVING because of this woman!" because it only drudges up drama.

^ This sounded like I was saying this is what you're doing, which I wasn't trying to say.. Just thinking that it would be wise to avoid drama over this.

Personally, I don't think it's that big of a deal. Maybe all you need to do is say something like "FMIL, thank you so much for your help. You really know how to take care of FI and I feel like I've learned so much from you that I can apply to raising our kids in the future. I'm loving having this time with him to work out how we want to operate as a couple. Do you have any advice from your own marriage?"

Then again, I don't know your relationship with FMIL!

[Deleted User] · June 2010

My FI lived at home until he was 31 (make fun of him all you want, he saved his money and now we have our dream house with my dream kitchen! haha) so needless to say, i've got big mama shoes to fill. there are certain comments here or there that she'll say that makes me raise an eyebrow and think "what does she mean" but for the most part i let things roll off my back.

show her you can step in. you're not replacing her - his mother will always be his mother - but instead do the things she does for him and let her see she doesn't need to be bringing over groceries and telling you what to do for her son. like you said, when she brough over gatorade and you said you already went she looked surprised - keep doing things ilke that.

also, distract her. as for her advice on something or for a recipe. my FMIL used to still make extra extra food so he can have the left overs for work the next day and then makes me pick it up. so i asked for the recipes of certain things, now she knows i know how to make them and has backed off on that. in fact, I made a lot of extras a few times and brought them over to her! haha

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2010

My sister has an overbearing mother-in-law as well.

She brings lunches to her husband (he's a farmer) mere minutes after my sister leaves after dropping off what SHE made for lunch.

The latest thing she did was go over to their farmhouse (they are remodeling it and don't live there now) and mow the grass.

These things are done with good intentions but my sister gets PISSED because she feels like her mother-in-law still feels the need to take care of her son and it underminds my sister as his wife.

You and this lady need to sit down and have a chat. And if that doesn't work, then, perhaps, move to Guam.

stephl3055 · June 2010

My MIL used to do this as well. We would go over to her house for dinner and she would send us home with a week's worth of food. While we appreciated it, most of the time it was too much food or stuff that we already had at home.

She would occasionally make comments like, "I made this just for DH since I know he doesn't get many home-cooked meals." That was when DH stepped in and told her that it doesn't matter who cooks or prepares the meals. MIL is very traditional in that she believes the mom/wife should do the laundry, cook, and clean. Apparently she had been making comments to DH's siblings that I wasn't a good wife because I didn't cook and that she felt the need to step in and make sure he was being taken care of. I find it ironic that DH lost 45 pounds 1 year after he moved out, and that he now is in the best shape of his life (according to him).

So, if you think your MIL is like mine, I would have FI say something. If there is an underlying issue that she thinks she can do better at taking care of him, then this could grow into something far more serious.

But if she's really just trying to be nice, then you can either let her continue to buy stuff, or just tell her that you really appreciate the help, but that you guys have it covered.

MairePoppy · June 2010

My mom and MIL have from time to time brought groceries, baked goods, casseroles etc...I do the same for my adult daughter, now. If there's a good deal at the grocery store, or I make a huge dinner, or bake something special, I share with her or my parents. When I was the recipient, I always said thank you.

If she starts rearranging your cabinets or going through your mail, that's a different story, but for the groceries? Just say thank the woman. Free groceries are good things.

jenn.daniel · June 2010

Two things:

First, does your FMIL have anyone else to focus her energies on? MY FFIL ALWAYS needs something to do. Their family got another dog a few years ago when FI moved out of state. The dog gives him a distraction. Maybe your FMIL needs a dog. Or maybe they could host and exhange student. Anything or anyone for her to take care of.

Second, maybe she doesn't trust you enough to take care of her boy. If you think you can handle it, ask her to go grocery shopping with you sometime. Have her show you how she approaches it and makes sure she gets everything she needs. Even if you don't need her to do that, maybe it will make HER feel better.

steffydolly · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_still-dont-deal-this-mom-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dc0c83f6-ada9-4db6-872a-7c51d73c94c6Post:96ff5fe1-7142-462c-8a85-751321aa6f32">Re: Still don't know how to deal with this mom issue</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish my FMIL brought us groceries. My mom does sometimes. Normally friut and water, she wants me to eat healthier. The grocery thing I wouldn't take as a big deal, if anything maybe it would help yall out financially. If she was doing his laundry or comes and tries to clean you house or something that would be different. I would just laugh it off.
Posted by jedaniel[/QUOTE]

I don't think it is a big deal when parents drop off food. My FMIL sends us home with food, pots and pans, and anything else she thinks we might need each time we visit (they live in the next town up and we see them at least once a week). I like having extra food around.

Also, I'm totally on my moms cell phone plan - it's cheaper and since they live 6 hours away they are the people I call the most. It makes sense to me.

M&R7111 · June 2010

Yeah, I hear what most of you are saying "it's free food! why complain!" but it's more like this:

FI gets a new job, mommy runs out and goes food shopping specifically for him and his lunches.

So it's not like it is leftovers, or some things she thought we would like while she was out shopping. I understand those acts of kindness.

While it is annoying, I do know (and FI has even said this) that she really has NOTHING else going on in her life except her son. I personally think this makes her feel wanted and whole. So - I'm more getting a good "laugh" out of it right now more than anything. I'm posting this as "OMG, look what's going on now!!" The free food is beneficial - don't get me wrong - but hopefully she will understand that he is an adult with a (soon to be) wife and family of his own.

She does, however, step over the line with some things, and he does put her in her place. But like I said before...MOMMA MIA! this woman!

PS- she has also called and made appointments to see DJs and florists for the wedding - w/o asking me - then calls to tell me when the apts. are. HA! I'm gonna go nuts.

M&R7111 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_still-dont-deal-this-mom-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dc0c83f6-ada9-4db6-872a-7c51d73c94c6Post:aaf45b32-be55-491e-b14e-63f8e66988eb">Re: Still don't know how to deal with this mom issue</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Second, maybe she doesn't trust you enough to take care of her boy. If you think you can handle it, ask her to go grocery shopping with you sometime. </strong> Have her show you how she approaches it and makes sure she gets everything she needs. Even if you don't need her to do that, maybe it will make HER feel better.
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

Yes, Jenn - she looked shocked when I thanked her for the supplies and then said that I JUST came from the store with the same things. I can tell she still sees us both as young kids needing her care. Its more of an annoyance right now but I'm hoping she'll get use to it over time.

ChanelShades · June 2010

I can see why you are bothered. I think I would be too. However, that is just less money that you have to spend. FMIL who can't let go are VERY bothersome. MOVE. FAST!

abbyosu · June 2010

You are doing better than me............. My FMIL has stated that she can't help my mother pay for the wedding, and that me and my FI should not go on a honeymoon to help pay for the wedding. Talk about stress. I'm beyond that point. Now I'm not a spoiled brat that I get everthing I was but my mother is trying super hard to make my day special (exactly why I love her so much). Me and my FI are paying for a lot in our wedding also. So my thought is I understand your frustration but atleast she cares. I wish I had that, but I understand how you feel like she doesn't wanna let go and is stepping on your toes. I hope it all works out for you though.

mags0607 · June 2010

I have that mother.Not MIL, my actual mother is like this. She does it out of good intentions, but she will occasionally over-step her bounds with both me and Fi. Somehow she thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, and has to make sure I am taking care of him alright.

There is talk of us *maybe* moving back to close to where she lives. She took the initiative to check out the house that was for sale down the street from her, find out the list price, talk to the owner, and take a tour. She has now convinced herself this is our perfect house. I think I would rather have my nails peeled off slowly than live within walking distance from her. Fi is fine with it however, because he likes her and she gets him whatever he wants when he is in anywhere near her.

Sorry to threadjack, but yeah, I understand. It just happens to be my mother who is the crazy one. My FILs are amazing and laidback and wonderful.

skythe · June 2010

It seems to me that the issue is not that she brings you stuff, but that you feel she's treating your FI -- and you -- like a child. It sounds like she she desperately needs a hobby, or something to do besides (s)mother the two of you. If you guys can't gently suggest something like that, then you're going to have to grin and bear it, and do as you have been doing. Good luck!

jayasolo · June 2010

Are you sure Everybody Loves Raymond isn't modeled after your situation? Sure sounds like it. Maybe you should buy her the series...

I hope that you and your fiance are able to work things out with her and set boundaries in a way that you let her know you appreciate her efforts but that you need your space to be adults. Good luck!

Cat24 · June 2010

101 reasons I plan on living at least an hour away from any of the parents!

Still don't know how to deal with this mom issue

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