Thinking about calling off my marriage! Help!

Re: Thinking about calling off my marriage! Help!

• zsazsa-stl member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  Is the cold and heartless description stemming from something more sinister than a lack of bubbly joy and hugs?  Because some people just aren't as outgoing and touchy feely.  It doesn't make them bad people.
  
  How much time does he spend with his family?  Does he know how you feel?  Is he also emotionally distant or did he somehow turn out completely different from the rest of his family?

  

  I just a friendly gal looking for options.

  

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• melissbe

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  It's not about being bubbly it is that I feel I have not type of relationship with his family. I am so close with my family and I only wish I could be too with his. I don't want to spend holidays with his family feeling like I am a stranger. 

  
  

  Some examples of what she has done:

  -We got engaged and instead of celebrating with us she decided to go out to dinner with her cousin who was in town. 

  -His parents said they would throw us an engagement party. Everyone was preparing to buy their ticket when last minute the place they wanted to have it at did not open and they refused to have it anywhere else when his parents are loaded with money and could afford where they want. 

  -My parents cannot afford to pay for the photographer and so we offered to pay. His mom found out and said if he ends up paying for it she will not attend our wedding.

  
  

  These are just some examples of how crazy she is...

  
  

  My fiance spends soo much time with his family and loves them even though he knows they are crazy.He knows how I feel. There have been 2 instances where I could no longer keep it in me and broke down. I told him I wanted to call it off. He told me I cannot hold what his family is like against him. He is right. I just dont know if I can get passed this and just love my fiance for who he is. Sometimes I try to remember how I felt before I met them so they dont interfere with my feelings toward my fiance.

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• mandctaft

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I think if you love him and he's worth it, don't even worry about his family.
  
  My FMIL HATES me with a fiery passion that I don't even comprehend why, but we agree to disagree and we basically ignore each other. I thought that would be a deal breaker, but I love FI too much to let her get in the way. They rest of his family has been pretty standoffish, trying not to take sides. But FMIL did speak to me this summer at a BBQ, so there may be hope.
  
  Please don't let his family stop you from finding your happiness.

  

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• GBCK member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  
  

  
  

  Because I"m reading this and I"m seeing an attitude that 'different from my family' = 'inferior to my family' and ... that doesn't give me the warm fuzzies about you and your relationship's future.

  
  

  I think (non-religious) premarital counseling is a must.

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• *Barbie* member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_thinking-calling-off-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c6762cb2-5383-4fca-9731-e1e79f84a77dPost:1d245199-b7e4-4fe6-8000-fa74dd0e2bfc">Re: Thinking about calling off my marriage! Help!</a>:
  [QUOTE]
  : -We got engaged and instead of celebrating with us she decided to go out to dinner with her cousin who was in town. 
  -His parents said they would throw us an engagement party. Everyone was preparing to buy their ticket when last minute the place they wanted to have it at did not open and they refused to have it anywhere else when his parents are loaded with money and could afford where they want. 
  -My parents cannot afford to pay for the photographer and so we offered to pay. His mom found out and said if he ends up paying for it she will not attend our wedding. 
  
  <strong>My fiance spends soo much time with his family and loves them even though he knows they are crazy</strong>.He knows how I feel. There have been 2 instances where I could no longer keep it in me and broke down. I told him I wanted to call it off.<strong> He told me I cannot hold what his family is like against him.</strong> He is right. I just dont know if I can get passed this and just love my fiance for who he is. Sometimes I try to remember how I felt before I met them so they dont interfere with my feelings toward my fiance.
  Posted by melissbe[/QUOTE]
  
  1) i don't see anything wrong with this. she wanted to spend time with an OOT relative who was visiting.
  2) they don't owe you anything. if they want to pay to throw you a party, then you either accept and thank them or decline and thank them for the thought. they can set up whatever stipulations they want re: the party. it's their money. get over it.
  3) it's nobody's business who is paying for what in the wedding. I would see the fact that this is being discussed with his mother as a concern.
  
  the bottom line is your FI loves his family and obviously has a good relationship with them, just like you say you have with yours. you're here tearing them down - how you you think that makes him feel? from your post, i'm betting that the mom and sister aren't "cold" - just annoyed that you're all up in their grills with the whole "ZOMG, YOU MUST LOVE ME, EVERYONE LOVES ME!!!" routine. you're trying too hard. it's been 2 years. back off and give it some time and space.
  
  i also agree with GBCK. you need to see a counselor. 

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• baconsmom member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  You can't make a familial relationship in a day. If you came to my house and starting hugging all over me and treating me like a sister, I'd back way the hell off from you. I don't know you, just like your MIL and SIL don't know you. 

  
  

  Some people take a while to warm up to strangers - and trust, you are a stranger. You're ridiculous for holding their personalities against them, and I have to second the idea of non-religious counseling. 

  
  

  Seriously, how do you deal with different personalities at work? Amongst your friends? I'm dying to know. 

  

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• Juris11

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  My MIL definitely did not hug me the first time we met. Both she and my FIL are not very comfortable around strangers, and they are very slow to warm up to their kids' SOs. At first I was a little unsure whether or not she even liked me (and of course I wanted her to, because I was dating her son!), since my parents are by nature much more friendly, but I came to realize that that is just the way that they are. Now she is friendly to me and we do get along, but it isn't like we are going to be besties, because we are very different.
  
  Maybe there is info missing here, but I don't really see anything terribly offensive here. Maybe a red flag in that she is being weird over the whole photography thing-because there is no reason why she should be involved in that in the first place. I'm thinking maybe an adjustment of your expectations is in order here. You don't have to be best friends with your inlaws. I'm sure the majority of people aren't, in fact. And you never know whether they may grow to be more friendly in the future, after you have been around longer. Do you really want to leave your FI because your FMIL and FSIL aren't that into you, at least not yet?

  *This is not legal advice*

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I don't think you realize how this makes you sound.  You're talking about calling off your engagement because his family isn't  touchy-feely enough?  He warned you they were strange, and you didn't believe him, now you do and you want out?  Yes, a spouse is a package deal with his/her family, but that doesn't mean you have to love them the way you love him, or that they have to love you as he loves you.  "I expected her to give me a hug and be super sweet" sounds awfully entitled and bratty, even if your FI hadn't warned you in advance not to expect it.

  
  

  If you are honestly having breakdowns because there's someone out there who doesn't love you, you need counseling.  It sounds like you have a support network, so FMIL and FSIL being distant should not send you into this kind of a tailspin.  We don't always get treated the way we think we're entitled to be treated, and what you think you're entitled to is pretty intrusive for a lot of introverts, let alone someone who is actually "strange."  You're either too immature, or too insecure for marriage yet.  Postpone until you are more stable, please.  You owe it to yourself, and to your FI.

  

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• csleomoz member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  At the end of the day, you're marrying the perfect person--not his family.  You need to be with the person who you want to live out the rest of your life with, who will support you through the highs and lows and will be kind to you when no one else in the world, including yourself, is.  If he's that person, you have your answer.  You'll make your own family together. 

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• 57rainbows

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I think it is too harsh to say OP has an entitled attitude or is holding personalities against them. Remember, she's not upset because they didn't fawn over her on Day 1... she's upset because she feels very little connection with them still on Year 2! Sure, it takes time for some people to warm up, but two years IS a lot of time. I assume if FI spends a lot of time w/ his family, OP has been around them a couple of times as well. The issue is that she's afraid she's marrying into a family that will always keep her at a distance, never accept her as a real part of the family, not respect her and the marriage and their relationship, whatnot.
  
  I think that's a valid concern. How would you feel about sitting down with FMIL and talking about things? "I'd love to get to know you better, and I don't feel like we've connected as much as I'd like yet. FI loves you guys so much, I'd really like to spend some time with you so we can get to know each other better." I dunno, something like that; not accusing or confrontational, just express that you want to connect more.
  

  

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• alison2486 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  You sound like my fiance! My parents are more bi-polar than always cold.  They are only sometimes cold.  My parents were great with my boyfriend before him, but I think they were less threatened by him.  My fiance can be  a bit too "confident" around them sometimes- like he won't stop talking about how absolutely brilliant his brother and sister are. This may not sound like a bad thing, but he comes across a bit pretentious sometimes. My mom has been extremely rude to him in the past, and unfortunately my dad and I ignored it to diffuse her instead of standing up for him.  

  
  

  Most recently, our parents were supposed to meet for the first time and mine canceled on us a couple hours before because they were mad I called to let them know where the reservation was only 3.5 hours before hand- they felt they deserved more warning.  Needless to say, I was beyond embarrassed.  

  
  

  Like your finance, I am very close with my family (I am an only child and only grandchild) so I'm not going to stop spending time with them because they are being jerks.  Try to go a bit easy on him because I'm sure he is upset that things are the way they are.  Definitely talk to him about it, but I wouldn't bring it too many times- its not going to change things if you talk about it 100 times instead of 3. Along with you, I have cried and stressed over the situation.  I would just hang in there and be the bigger person.  Also, try to watch what you say around them, be cordial instead of too nice (they may think you are being "fake", when you are just a nice person)  Best of luck to you!

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• Janelledumais

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  All I can say is put yourself in his shoes... it sounds to me like you're trying to make him choose you over his family.
  
  My husband doesn't like going to visit my family at all, it's not because he hates them or they hate him, for some reason he just hates going. It turns into a fight everytime...I personally, get to the point that I hate going to see my family too, then I get even more angry at my husband for making me feel that way.
  
  He starting to come around and realize that it's not about going there, it's about family...He's learning to suck it up because it's important to me. I think you need to do the same.
  
  We still fight about this issue, it's toned down a lot from when we first got engaged, we've had many discussions to get to the point we are now, I hope it keeps improving the way it is. I love him too much to let 3-4 fights a year bother me to the extent I don't want to be with him.
  
  Background: My husband is the oldest of two kids and the only son, he's spoiled rotten. His parents never had connections or if they did they were not close, with their siblings, therefore family wasn't a big deal for him.
  
  My family is super close, including all my aunts/uncles and cousins.

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• VarunaTT member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I think you should call off your marriage.  You're looking for a way out, so take it. 

  
  

  B/c really?  This is not that big of a deal.  Your family relationships are NOT his family relationships.  Just accept it.  He's probably not exactly the person you though you were going to marry, but he's the person you WANT to marry, so those expectations have changed.  You can change the expectation of having a warm loving MIL into this MIL b/c she is your husband's mother.

  
  

  The thing that is most important should be the new family you and he are creating.  And especially since he seems to support you fully while admitting that his family isn't your ideal, you are coming across as immature and selfish.

  �

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• Queen Jane member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  There are no perfect inlaws. They will never be like your own family, because they arenot your own family. You may have grown up with different traditions, expectations, etc. You really can't expect to have the same relationship. You want an interested mil? You can have mine, she is all up in our shiz. Seriously though, don't let his family completely dictate your relationship. Unless you *need* extended family to be super involved in your day to day life, why does it really matter?

  Married! In New Orleans BIO

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• jmkeller71

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  OK... you just discribed my future MIL... She is cold wouldnt hug Jesus himself if he was standing in front of her. She is a tough woman with a major chip on her shoulder and my future husband warned me about this. SO I had to .. HAD TO change my expectations. I am a big hugger. My family is full of huggers we hug when we head out to the grocery store and then again when we get home. But his family are not huggers. I adjusted to it and then looked for the smaller things the little things that showed me I was accepted into this new oddball group. Seriously, after 7 months of warming up to her I was "thrilled" when she made eye contact and said "goodbye" when she left with my future FIL after dinner.  What every you see as normal signs of affection are not the same with her or the rest. Perhaps her signs of affections are that she hasn't told her son you are not the one? Maybe her way of accepting you is just being mellow about it all. Or maybe she hates you. There is no way to understand it all except to do whatever you can to LEARN her signals. FInd an interest of hers and make an effort to learn something. Does she like Nascar and you dont? Well then who would it hurt if you study up on the latest drivers and sit and watch a race with her? OK that is a real experience that happened to me... but you know what I mean.
  And I DO validate your feelings about wanting to be brought into the fold... and I understand why and how it hurts. You are dealing with a different culture here and it may be that she does like you and you are missing it. So many people in this world operate on different signals and everyone expresses themselves differently. Before you cry on another clean pillow try and learn more about this woman and the rest of the family. Make an effort, make a move (and for god's sake dont hug anyone until they hold open their arms).
  My FMIL... she is smug and acts like she doesnt care I am in the room, but she has made me dinner on nights I work late and recently I made a small dinner for her and my futire FIL and she walked out saying "That was really good" and all because I learned she liked healthy food and I made a healthy dish.  It took a full year to get a smile. So I know how hard it is. YOu can take the suggestions or just chuck it all.  I am just speaking from my very similar experience. And yes I did cry for a whille, but that gets old quick... I had to ice my eyes before going to work... not fun. SO hang in there! And if she really does not like you then try to ask your fiance tactfullyif there is longevity on his side of the family.

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