Second Weddings

Step Mom vs. Bio Mom

I am so happy to say that I am engaged to the love of my life and we are to be married in Mexico in November. This engagement has been extra special to me because my father recently passed away in September of 2010. I am still dealing with the aftermath of the loss as he was my best friend, my go-to guy, my financial advisor, my business partner and pretty much the foundation I had built my life upon. Are you getting the picture here?? Yes, this post is from a daddy's girl :)

My biological parents divorced when I was very young, 2 or 3 and it wasn't the most amicalbe split. It left my dad with a bit of anger for my mother that took him up until the end of his life to truly forgive. I guess you could say that cancer makes you look at life with a whole new set of eyes. My father re-married when I was 6 and my step-mother raised me along with my father. I did keep in contact with my biological mother and saw her throughout my life, but my step-mother was there on a daily basis.

After my fathers passing, I began counseling to help me deal. I learned alot about myself, my "issues" and more importantly, my feelings for both of my mothers. (I do call them both Mom, talk about confusing for my fiance ... he never knows which person I am talking about when I say "I talked to Mom today .."). My father was my family and the one I felt most connected to and without him, I have been struggling with feeling disconnected and want more than anything to connect with my family, where I came from, the biological ones.

Having said all of that, my issue is this. I have learned through my step-brother (who I consider my brother) that my step-mother does not want to come to my wedding because my biological mother will be invited. I guess now that dad is not with us, she is technically a stranger to me? I never thought of our relationship as being technical but this as well as some of her other recent behavior suggests that I may be dreaming we are still mother and daughter.

I want them both there, but I have a feeling my step mother cannot deal with my biological mother being there. My biological mother on the other hand is open to spending time with her and has even thanked her in the passed for raising her kids. I should clarify though, I want them both there without drama. Is this even possible?

I am getting my invitations together and have tried to talk with my step-mother about this topic. She has conveniently avoided me for over a week. I know I still have time before I have to send the invitations out but has anyone dealt with a similare situation? Should I realistically invite both?

Thanks for your help,
-The Daughter Dilemma

 

Re: Step Mom vs. Bio Mom

  • edited December 2011
    I would say invite them both. It might just be that she's nervous to be around your biological mother, because she thinks she might play second fiddle to her or something. Your stepmother is an adult, and therefore has to make her own decisions. I think if you go ahead and invite her like you planned on to begin with, she may come around and show up to your wedding. Or maybe she won't. Unfortunately she's the only one who can make that choice, as sad as it may be to you. You can't just not invite your biological mom just because your stepmother is uncomfortable with it.
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  • jerseydeviljerseydevil
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    No offense, but it sounds like your step-mother needs to be the bigger person and respect the fact that you have every right to share your wedding with her AND your mom.

    Some times I don't get why people can't get over themselves for the sake of someone they both care about. Sorry you have to deal with this.

  • edited December 2011
    I think your step mother is afraid of having her feelings hurt.  And i also think you should be careful about what you are told second hand.  Here's how I think you should handle it.
    "Step-mom?  I need to have a mother/ daughter heart to heart with you.  Please make time for me."  "I know it is hard for both of us now that Dad is gone.  Losing him is like losing my very best friend, etc.  I know that you have suffered a huge loss, too.  That makes it all the more important to me to NOT lose you, too.  I want you to know how much I (love you, appreciate the loving care you have taken in raising me, etc). 

    At my wedding, you will truly be the person filling the mother of the bride role.  (if that is the case for you.)  I need you to be the parent you have always been for me, and be beside me at one of the most important events in my life. 

    I heard from brother that you were uncomfortable with my bio mom coming as well.  I see her as an invited guest, someone I want there, but not the same as how important it is to me to have you there.  Yes I call her Mom, but that title means two very different things to me when I think of you and her.   I really hope that my choice to have her there isn't hurtful to you, as I would never want to hurt you.  I would also hope that you can understand that having BOTH of you there is important to me, and that you will help me have that.    What are you feeling about this?  How can I help?"  ~Donna
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP.  Acknowledge step mom's feelings but let her know you love her & that it is important to you that she be there.  Its only 1 day.  She should be able to deal with it out of love & respect for you & your father.
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    member
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree with Right1's approach. 

    My dad passed away 9 years ago, he raised me so we were thicker than theives... He was my first unconditional love, my soon to be husaband my second... 

    My "Mom" is the only mother I have known and I got her when I was 14, she married my Dad when I was 16... and she is walking with me when I enter the ceremony site...  I cannot imagine my life without her as my Mom... my bio-mom is an addict and an alcoholic and never loved me, unless it was convenient for her.

    I understand your dilemma but alas I am not in your shoes... Right after my dad passed I wasn't sure if I still had a mom...  I found out one day that by golly I did...I will never forget that day....and she will always be my Mom....
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all for taking time read my post and share your thoughts and feelings. Time is precious these days so it really means alot.

    You have given me much food for thought. :)
  • edited December 2011
    Sorry for your loss.  I too think you should invite both.  Chat with your step-mom, if she won't make time for you do the old fashioned thing and write her a letter explaining your feelings.

    I hope it all works out.  Life is too short for family to hold grudges or have other issues between them.
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