You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm literally in tears as I type this thinking about your poor friend. I wanted nothing more than to have my wheelchair-bound friend as one of my BMs at my wedding. Unfortunately, she passed away from her disabilities a year and a half ago, before I could ask her. I would give ANYTHING to have her be a part of my wedding, and would have gladly given up anything to accomodate her, including my gorgeous ceremony site which is not wheelchair-accessible. Thinking that you're willing to discard your friend like so much trash just because she's not physically perfect sickens me. What will you do if, god forbid, you give birth to a child with a handicap? Hide them away so the neighbors won't see? I'm going to end this now before I say something I regret...
I should have read more of the posts before responding...but the OP really upset me. I realize you're genuinely concerned about your friend, but you need to let her decide what she's capable of. Speaking from experience, trying to limit her activities for her own good may cause her to become more volatile and try to do even more despite her limitations. I hope everything works out...
Thanks for explaining more. I still think you should let her walk down the aisle, with the use of a cane, or whatever she needs. Having everyone sit is a great suggestion. I hope you continue to support your friends as she deals with these issues.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dilemma-recently-disabled-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e09a0e9-05a3-4f3b-abc1-bdbc0d5c9213Post:e0f76c2a-a9e5-4839-abbd-c2b4947266aa">Re: Dilemma with recently disabled BM</a>: [QUOTE]I should have read more of the posts before responding...but the OP really upset me. I realize you're genuinely concerned about your friend, but you need to let her decide what she's capable of. Speaking from experience, trying to limit her activities for her own good may cause her to become more volatile and try to do even more despite her limitations. I hope everything works out... Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]
<div>I think the OP is more concerned about her friend's addiction to pain meds and is concerned about the reaction she may have on the wedding day and how to deal with that.</div>
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Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
I will address the comments I can remember from above that stood out... As far as her kids are concerned we all definitely agree that what is best for the children in this case is what is most important. This has put a few of us in a really tough situation since she and her family are planning to call us as character witnesses against him. Yes he is an a-hole but he is actually capable of taking care of them right now and she isn't. We all feel horrible. We dot not want to be put in this situation as you can understand it will get messy. No I haven't called any substance abuse hotlines. I wish it was that easy. I can only say what I know for a fact is her behavior. Behavior I know all too well because I left my childs father for the same reason. Our mutual friend who is a nurse noticed how much she was taking and how often in front of us and she freaked. She brought it to our attention and it all made sense. We then tried discussing it with her and like most addicts she became angry and denied it. Tried speaking to her family about it and they are in total denial or they don't want to deal with it. We haven't figured out which it is yet. I had already thought about her using her walker of course but if she is in that state it will serve no purpose because she cannot operate well enough to use it. Wheelchair... Also great idea but what good is that if she brings more attention to herself (not worried about myself here) and is so out of it she is just slumped over in it and incoherent and sometimes beligerent (sp?). She also is not strong enough to do it herself so I could have someone push her. Not a problem if she would not take so many pills. I can't let her look that way in front of everyone. I feel like it is my job to protect her. This is why my original thought was to have her already seated. It wasn't because I don't want people to see my friend who can't "glide" down the aisle, or because I'm ashamed or whatever other hateful reasons people suggested. Thank you to those of you who came back and apologized for the harsh postings before I clarified.
This sounds like an awful mess for those kids. Are there grandparents, aunts or uncles in the picture who could care for the kids now, or is their dad a fit enough parent to do so?
Is there any way to bring the potential medication abuse to the attention of your friend's doctor? I have no idea if that's actually possible, but the doctor might be knowledgeable about what to do in a case like this. If she can get help before the custody issues are worked out, I wonder if that could increase her ability to regain custody once she is physically able to care for her children (if she's not yet recovered enough from her stroke to do so, medication issues aside).
It sounds like having her seated from the start is your best option. You could also make a day of call in case she's doing okay and able to use her walker that day, but it sounds like that might cause more pain than it's worth if she can be belligerent on a bad day.
Nothing wrong with her going up the aisle in a wheelchair if she needs to. I agree with pps that said she should make the call on the day of. A friend of friend got married to a guy who was paralysed from the waist down and she told me how everyone cried and how inspirational it was when they got married, from his wheelchair. People are what matter, not how they go up the aisle. I think the best thing to do is talk to her, make sure that she knows you are supporting her no matter what, but recognise the limitations and plan accordingly for them. And I'm sure that having her involved in your ceremony will only add to the importance and beauty of your day. Good luck!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dilemma-recently-disabled-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e09a0e9-05a3-4f3b-abc1-bdbc0d5c9213Post:b020faa1-e197-45e7-9178-5b683c47c325">Re: Dilemma with recently disabled BM</a>: [QUOTE]I had already thought about her using her walker of course but if she is in that state it will serve no purpose because she cannot operate well enough to use it. Wheelchair... Also great idea but what good is that if she brings more attention to herself (not worried about myself here) and is so out of it she is just slumped over in it and incoherent and sometimes beligerent (sp?). She also is not strong enough to do it herself so I could have someone push her. Not a problem if she would not take so many pills. I can't let her look that way in front of everyone. I feel like it is my job to protect her. Posted by JanieD10[/QUOTE]
I understand that you feel like you need to prevent her from looking bad in front of others, but I also feel like she's a grown up - if she has decided she doesn't mind looking/acting like that then that's her choice (and yes, I realize that if she's truly addicted you can argue about how much of a choice it is, but it sounds like she's not always like this). I would either plan on having her come in with another BM who could steady her with her walker or push her in a wheelchair depending on how she feels or have the BMs and GMs come in together.
In terms of transport, ask another WP member if he or she can help out. That's not something you should be trying to figure out on your wedding day.
Based on the information you gave us in the OP, I don't think the initial responses were overly harsh. But I'm glad you came back to clarify and even more glad that the OP doesn't accurately reflect the situation.
Re: Dilemma with recently disabled BM
[QUOTE]I should have read more of the posts before responding...but the OP really upset me. I realize you're genuinely concerned about your friend, but you need to let her decide what she's capable of. Speaking from experience, trying to limit her activities for her own good may cause her to become more volatile and try to do even more despite her limitations. I hope everything works out...
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]
<div>I think the OP is more concerned about her friend's addiction to pain meds and is concerned about the reaction she may have on the wedding day and how to deal with that.</div>
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Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
Is there any way to bring the potential medication abuse to the attention of your friend's doctor? I have no idea if that's actually possible, but the doctor might be knowledgeable about what to do in a case like this. If she can get help before the custody issues are worked out, I wonder if that could increase her ability to regain custody once she is physically able to care for her children (if she's not yet recovered enough from her stroke to do so, medication issues aside).
It sounds like having her seated from the start is your best option. You could also make a day of call in case she's doing okay and able to use her walker that day, but it sounds like that might cause more pain than it's worth if she can be belligerent on a bad day.
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[QUOTE]I had already thought about her using her walker of course but if she is in that state it will serve no purpose because she cannot operate well enough to use it. Wheelchair... Also great idea but what good is that if she brings more attention to herself (not worried about myself here) and is so out of it she is just slumped over in it and incoherent and sometimes beligerent (sp?). She also is not strong enough to do it herself so I could have someone push her. Not a problem if she would not take so many pills. I can't let her look that way in front of everyone. I feel like it is my job to protect her.
Posted by JanieD10[/QUOTE]
I understand that you feel like you need to prevent her from looking bad in front of others, but I also feel like she's a grown up - if she has decided she doesn't mind looking/acting like that then that's her choice (and yes, I realize that if she's truly addicted you can argue about how much of a choice it is, but it sounds like she's not always like this). I would either plan on having her come in with another BM who could steady her with her walker or push her in a wheelchair depending on how she feels or have the BMs and GMs come in together.
In terms of transport, ask another WP member if he or she can help out. That's not something you should be trying to figure out on your wedding day.
Based on the information you gave us in the OP, I don't think the initial responses were overly harsh. But I'm glad you came back to clarify and even more glad that the OP doesn't accurately reflect the situation.
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