Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Party
Wedding Party
New Discussion

Sister's boyfriend... my oversight?

ForMyNextNovelForMyNextNovel
First Comment
in Wedding Party
So my wedding is 8 months away. The party is huge. Six bridesmaids and six groomsmen.  My sister is maid of honor. The rest of the party are all girls I'm close to or was very close to for a very long time.

My fiance asked his brother for best man, then asked his dad to be a groomsman. The rest he asked were friends from college. He really only asked some of them because we felt it would be best to have six to balence out the number. Then, this past weekend my fiance and I attended a wedding expo at the destination location with my parents, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. We had a great time. When I got home, however, my sister called me and told me she was hurt that we didn't think to ask her boyfriend to be a groomsman. My fiance is not close with him, persay, but they get along great and I'm pretty close to her boyfriend and really adore him. She did not want me to make any changes, but she wanted to clear the air, and be sure he could go to the bachelor party. I told her I was glad she let me know how she felt and we were both very cordial about it.

Once I got off the phone, my fiance and I looked at eachother and said, "Why didn't we ask her boyfriend, he would have been a great groomsman." My fiance still has not gotten confirmation from one of his college buddies who lives far away as to weather or not he can even be a groomsman, and my fiance also expressed to me that his dad does not seem entirely comfortable with the idea of being a groomsman anyway. The question is, if I leave it to my very diplomatic fiance to handle, would it be terribly rude, if he wants to, for him to ask his dad to step down, (or be let off the hook so to speak) or would it be worse to tell the undecided potential groomsman that we have someone for whom a party committment makes more sense, considering my sisters boyf will be there with us in a beach house the whole week leading up to the wedding and it is a destination wedding....?

I wish I could get some guys advise on this one...
Report Reply to Post

Re: Sister's boyfriend... my oversight?

  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    a) it's not your sister's wedding.  Don't let her manipulate you into putting someone in the WP that YOU didn't think of on your own.

    b)  Without a ring on her finger, I would be cautious about including her BF anyway.  What happens if they break up 7 months from now?
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10
    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

    Report Reply
  • emilyinchileemilyinchile member
    5000 Comments
    Don't ask people just to make sides even.

    Don't ask people to "step down".

    Don't ask people because someone else told you to.

    Don't ask people you're not super close to.

    Why does your sister think her BF has some god-given right to be a GM? Clearly neither you or your FI is that close to him, or you would have thought of him the first time around. And thinking he's going to be a "good GM" is silly because the ONLY thing a GM has to do is get the appropriate attire and show up on the day, just like the BMs. By that logic a reasonably well-trained monkey would be a good GM.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Married bio

    Pro pics

    Travel and expat life blog

    Report Reply
  • jeannigirljeannigirl member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    haha emily I love your post it made me laugh this morning. I dito what you say.
    Report Reply
  • ForMyNextNovelForMyNextNovel
    First Comment
    edited January 2010
    Thanks people. Some good advise. 

    I agree that I should not have thought, nor should I think, first about the numbers, but rather, about the people. We were new to the wedding thing, maybe a little excited. I knew I wanted those girls in my wedding, and my fi just sort of followed suite by assumption. He feels the same way I do about my sister's bf, who has been with my sis for four years. (Two more years than my fi and I). I don't think rings on fingers mean a whole lot as I went 5 months happily engaged without a ring. I think it comes down to the fact that we (and maybe she) didn't realize how seriously she felt about him until all this wedding stuff started. The guy has basically been part of my family for several years now. He really helped my fiance out at the wedding expo when my fi was freaking out (long story) and this revealed to both my fi and I how much we both really like this guy and what a great help he could be to us (particularly my fi) through the wedding. 

    I don't think most men see any of this in the same way women see it. I would NEVER consider asking any of my maids to step down, for all those reasons you all listed. Unless one said, "I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing this because...' and gave a very legit reason, I wouldn't even offer the option. There are many very good and complex reasons my fis dad might not be comfortable in the role of groomsman (that frankly we should have considered before he asked him).

    One of the other groomsmen has in fact stated he's not sure he will be able to serve as groomsman because of the distance he has to travel.  Honesty, I think some guys see the whole wedding party thing as just as much of a pain in the ass--a source of pressure and unnecessary stress--as an honor. (I'd like to see a poll of women on this board getting their men's take on that one).  But I don't think I said my fi wasn't close with some of the guys he asked. He's very close with all of them. I said he might not have asked them if we didn't think we should have had balenced parties. He would have been just as happy with only his brother and dad.
     
    We've decided just to add my sister's boyfriend regardless, then let the ones who might not be comfortable in the role know that they are not obligated to be in the party, but that we asked them because we wanted them to be, which, it turns out after some discussion of it, is the truth.

    I think if you're going to say some assumed rules are breakable (numbers in the parties), then you can't really say others are unbreakable (offering someone an out if they might want it.) These are decisions that must be made on an indivisual and case by case basis. Anyway, thanks for the input. 
    Report Reply
  • Jeni35Jeni35 member
    100 Comments
    I agree with everyone else on here. You cannot "un-ask" people who have already been asked. You should find out if your FI's college roomate will be able to make it. I think it depends how long your sister has gone out with this guy if you want to add him. I told my Fi's sister that she could not expect a boyfriend (if she had one at the time) to be in all the wedding pics. It is not mean but on two special occassions already- she wanted to X the guys in the pic. I also agree that it is your wedding.
    Report Reply
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-boyfriend-oversight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:599b598d-8e90-4eac-9648-b035bcc1f66aPost:ff473067-3c21-4b60-bc00-643ca1e73e45">Re: Sister's boyfriend... my oversight?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think if you're going to say some assumed rules are breakable (numbers in the parties), then you can't really say others are unbreakable (offering someone an out if they might want it.) These are decisions that must be made on an indivisual and case by case basis.
    Posted by ForMyNextNovel[/QUOTE]

    Well, I don't think anyone said that you should not allow someone to bow out if they feel like they have to.

    Rather, I think the caution is about potentially making someone think that you actually WANT them out, when in fact you're just letting them know that you want them to stay in but you understand if they want to quit. Know what I mean?

    I think people are just saying that, a bridesmaid/groomsman might take it the wrong way if you say (especially more than once), "Feel free to step down if you just aren't comfortable." Some people might take it too personally and think, "Does that mean that Bride is hinting that she wants me out?"

    I don't think it's a bad thing to tell someone that you will understand if they want to drop out, but I'm just pointing out that you should use that phrase with caution. Even if some people are venting about being busy, they may still want to participate, but a "You can drop out if you want!" comment might make them second-guess whether or not you really want them there. Especially if you make additions to the wedding party around that time.
    image
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards