Second Weddings

**Retread** As the moderator, I ask your attention

·  No harassing, intimidating, stalking, or threatening other community members.

The terms of use are quite specific in their listings.  They do not prohibit disagreement, passionate debate, sarcasm, doubt, confrontation, rhetorical questions, irony, scorn, disdain, cynicism, speculation, incredulous-ness, exasperation, or irritation.   

There is no “be nice” clause.  There is no “act like a lady” clause. There is no requirement that all commentary be kind, gentle and compassionate.  Ideally the world would all be that way, but the Knot, and Second Weddings as a subset of that world, are far from ideal.   

Written word loses tone, inflection and body language, and is therefore inherently edgier. When one seeks feedback on an anonymous message board, one risks that those edges will inflict discomfort, most often unintended, but quite real.  That is the consequence of one’s choice to seek feedback in that type of setting.  If one does not wish to risk such a consequence, seeking feedback in a more directly interactional setting is advisable.  

How is it that the questioner is absolved of the consequences of their choice, and all of the responsibility falls to stranger who goes out of their way to provide a straightforward, direct and to the point answer?   

I am an executive, an adult and a leader.  I comport myself in my life much the same way that I do here.  With honesty, integrity, and direct confrontation of not only the problem stated, but the underlying implied issues as well.  I am not cruel, I am not mean, I am not malicious.  The reader, however, may not like what I have to say.  The reader may far prefer a different answer.  The reader may resent the illumination of the more unsavory interpretation or aspects of the problem or question they have put forth.  That is beyond my control, and solely in the control of the reader.  

There is satisfaction in the response of the reader when critique or directness challenges their thoughts, their decisions or their assumptions.  Perhaps they will rethink their original decisions, or perhaps they will be strengthened in their resolve, and will defend them.  Being asked to support one’s position is not bullying, it is not harassment, it is not intimidation.  The questioner invariably had underlying doubts about that choice, or they would not ask the question.  

All of that is simply preamble to this.  I fully resent being told by the moderator of this board to “simmer down” or some other admonishment.  If specific behavior is a violation of the terms of use, the offender(s) need to be addressed directly, their specific violations outlined, so that they have the opportunity to rebut the accusation, and/or change & modify their actions.  Beyond violations of the terms of use, the role of moderator has no reach, and none should be extended.  It is even more infuriating when the one doing the admonishing then proceeds to summarize the points being made by those to whom the admonishment is addressed.  Just because the moderator prefers her own tone & approach does not mean that it is the only acceptable option.  

 I appreciate the role of the moderator in keeping the board as free of illicit uses as possible.  I do not expect nor do I expect others to be rebuked unless the terms of use are violated. 

ETA: paragraphs

Re: **Retread** As the moderator, I ask your attention

  • I agree, Donna.  I was thinking something similar myself,  but I could never have said it as well as you did, Donna.  Thank you for such an eloquent post. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Well said....

  • Retread, my issue is NOT with your taking action when warranted according to the terms of use.  My issue is with your imposing your personal values onto the discussion.  I read enough of the national boards to know that your aesthetic is not the pervasive aesthetic of the Knot in general.  And frankly, I've read commentary by YOU on those boards that is far more disdainful than what you have reacted to here, albeit not recently. 

    My behavior is my own responsiblity.  If at any time you take issue with my behavior, I expect you to address me with a quote and a reference to the term of use that has been violated.  I have not excluded anyone at any time, and the only invitation to leave that I have seen on this board is the one above from you to me. 
  • This is a forum of adults, and we don't tell each other how to talk ("I didn't ask you for....") and you DID ask for opinions by the act of posting.
  • Retread,none of us are asking for special treatment, least of all right1. What we DO expect is to be able to give advice when asked just as we can on other boards. After careful consideration many of us (well, let me just speak for myself) feel that I do not get treated as I would on other boards giving the same advice in the same candid way. Many of us have tried in a very diplomatic fashion to call this to your attention. I, for one, am through with pussy-footing around. I will continue to behave in the same manner I always have. If that offends you, too bad. I follow the rules. But not YOUR interpretation of the rules.
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Retread, none of us are asking for special treatment, least of all right1. What we are saying is that this board has many more restrictions than any of the other boards, and these restrictions are your narrow view of "the rules." The same things that many of us have written on this board wouldn't even cause a second look on most of the other boards. But here, when we respond to a post we are told to "act like ladies" or to "simmer down." That is offensive to me, but everyone has their own style. I can't control your actions, I can only control my own. I choose to ignore most of your interpretation of the rules,because that interpretation is incorrect. For the msot part it is inconsequential but has increased as time has gone on. Dang knot ate my first post. I hope it appears because it was stated better than this one :(
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • In Response to <a href=" Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d7ec433d-d9ac-4360-a40e-a58f5cb073d2Post:5f0cb6da-5e1a-495c-90c2-9c1acb051940">Re: **Retread** As the moderator, I ask your attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well said....
    Posted by awayagain[/QUOTE]

    Yes, very well put. 
  • I always find that when one is on the defense, they tend to deflect attention to others.  There are more than two of us saying these things, Retread.  Woman up.  

    The reason why the knot has said you haven't done enough, is because when someone has told me to shove my crystal ball up my a$$ (and I captured it, and still have it saved) you did nothing.  You only stopped that onslought on me once that woman (Tameca) kept paging me.  You went after her for the totally wrong reason.  You've gone after a number of us for disagreeing with you.  Come after me, I'm a big girl.  I can handle it.  But when you go after AA, or Right1, or any of the others, then I will defend them. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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