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mtnbrooke7 · June 2012

MrsBassPlaya · June 2012

Um... what? You FI didn't tell you he was inviting his exes??? If I found out my FI was planning on inviting exes to the wedding, I'd probably flip out on him. Only in certain cercumstances is that even remotely ok. One instance is if they've been broken up for many years and you both know the ex and are friends with that person. This doesn't sound like a situation like that.

If you're uncomfortalbe having his exes there, talk to him about it. If he gives you some BS excuse about his work friends missing her, then let him know that it really makes you uncomfortable since you don't even know her. He should definitely worry more about what you think and what you're ok with than his old coworkers.

You should maybe also ask him why he feels it's necessary to invite his exes. That may open a whole can of worms, but obviously there's some reason he didn't tell you he was planning on inviting them. Thank goodness FMIL called, or you'd have been blindsided by these ladies showing up at your wedding! I don't want to stir up controversy with you and your FI, but IMO this is an issue that seriously needs to be discussed.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

This is a topic FI and I discussed at length. He thinks exes are the scum of the earth, no matter what the current situation is. I have an ex I dated for years in HS and then always remained friends with... JUST FRIENDS, nothing else. He adamantly protests anytime i mention this ex/friend, even though I haven't seen the guy in years. My brother, however, was invited to his HS ex-gf's wedding and had no problem going and there was no problem with him being invited.

I think your FI should have mentioned it to you. Does he still see them from time to time? How long ago has he been split from them? I think more than this being a jealousy thing, if should be more of "are these girls really important enough to be invited?"

Sarah&Eric2012 · June 2012

I agree with PPs, you should talk to FI about these girls. I know that if my FI wanted to invite his ex to our wedding I'd probably flip a lid. Of course, until recently some his family called me by her name instead of my own. Never-the-less, if it's bothering you that they are invited then you should speak up, otherwise it's just going to sit in the back of your mind until it comes out in a fight someday down the road. At best, I'd say they should be invited to the wedding and not the RD, that should be only for bridal party and close family.

mtnbrooke7 · June 2012

Thanks for your input...I kind of just want to be validated in feeling a little upset. When I mentioned it to him, he was just sort of like, well, I've been friends with ex#1 for many years, and she invited me to her wedding. That one sounds fine to me, whatever. And he just said that about ex#2 working with a couple of guys he is inviting, and it would be weird to not invite her, too. We rarely have ANY conflicts, so this is kind of odd for me and I'm not sure how to handle it! He said he has only talked to ex#2 a few times since moving here. We have been together a little over 2yrs, so it has been probably 4yrs or so since he and ex#2 dated. If he's really not that close with her anymore, I think he should care more about how it makes me feel and not invite her. Besides, if I was the ex getting invited, the FIRST thing I would ask is "Are you sure your FI is okay with this?", because I would def not want to cause a bride to feel uncomfortable on her wedding day! I am not inviting any of my exes, and even if I did have one I was considering inviting, I know I'd run it by FI first to make sure it was okay with him!

AshnRobo · June 2012

If they are invited to the RD, they have to be invited to the wedding. That is besides the point though.

I would not be okay with this at all. This is something FI and I discussed before we were even engaged. No ex. Ever. End of story.

I have an ex that I remained friends with until my FI came in the picture. He said my ex made him uncomfortable, and I had to choose. The choice was easy. Executing it was not so easy, but in the end it was worth it. My FI has even said he has told his GM that if that ex shows up they will be escorting him out.

That is how strongly he feels and I respect that. I believe your FI should know how you feel and respect that. You need to talk to him calmly, and explain how it makes you feel. Don't ask why he wants them to come. Just tell him how you feel about it. If he feels like he has a reason that will calm your unease then he can tell you, otherwise they need to be taken off the list. Simple as that.

BMcLeodTeam · June 2012

I agree that there are some situations where it works out. I am still friends with one ex and we've remained just friends ever since. We broke up because we realized there was no 'romantic connection'. It was back in highschool.

Even more concerning to me that he's inviting exes is that he didn't tell you this... that's what would bother me most.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_stressful-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:3f3b00c3-cda4-4d52-ac4f-1df5bd973bb6Post:ac9ad546-2f93-4772-a097-24f3121a43ac">Re: Stressful Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your input...I kind of just want to be validated in feeling a little upset. When I mentioned it to him, he was just sort of like, well, I've been friends with ex#1 for many years, and she invited me to her wedding. That one sounds fine to me, whatever. And he just said that about ex#2 working with a couple of guys he is inviting, and it would be weird to not invite her, too. We rarely have ANY conflicts, so this is kind of odd for me and I'm not sure how to handle it! He said he has only talked to ex#2 a few times since moving here. We have been together a little over 2yrs, so it has been probably 4yrs or so since he and ex#2 dated. If he's really not that close with her anymore, I think he should care more about how it makes me feel and not invite her. Besides, if I was the ex getting invited, the FIRST thing I would ask is <strong>"Are you sure your FI is okay with this?",</strong> because I would def not want to cause a bride to feel uncomfortable on her wedding day! I am not inviting any of my exes, and even if I did have one I was considering inviting, I know I'd run it by FI first to make sure it was okay with him!
Posted by mtnbrooke7[/QUOTE]

This is ridiculous to me. To only be a little upset makes you more than rational. I would be FUMING. And you 100% right about how her response should be to ask about you (people at your wedding should care about both of you). FI and I did have an incident unrealted to our wedding where his ex tried to get back into his life (supposedly just as friends) and he told her I was uncomfortable with it and he couldn't talk to her anymore and she called me unreasonable! So just from my experience, if she isn't concerned about you, she could be BIG trouble. You need to not just let this go with FI. If you aren't comfortable with the other one, even if she is married, say so. And there is absolutely no reason they need to be at the RD. That is an intimate affair for your closest of friends/family. If he doesn't talk to her, she isn't close. And I don't get why his coworkers would bother him. Obviously he has moved on because he is getting married. He should be more afraid of a furious, upset bride than a few jokes from coworkers. And, you say this girl used to pick fights for makeup sex...obviously the sex won't happen but who is to say she won't be dramatic about something since she clearly likes drama. Stand firm if you are uncomfortable with it.

mtnbrooke7 · June 2012

Exactly, the fact that he didn't tell me ahead of time is the part that really frustrates me! I'm a pretty laid back person, it's not like I would have gone into a rage. But it would have made me felt involved and included and like my feelings mattered if he had asked me before putting them on the list.
AshnRobo- Right, I was saying that maybe we could just invite them to the wedding and NOT the RD. I think FMIL (who's hosting RD) just put all the out of town people on the RD guest list. The exes are not in the wedding (obviously) but are from out of town. So my thought was we could just invite WP and family to the RD instead, and maybe hang out with out of towners afterward.
Actually at this point I'm thinking miss "fight and have make up sex" girl shouldn't even be invited to the wedding. Just feels inappropriate, ya know??

mtnbrooke7 · June 2012

He has described her as "crazy" to date, but fun to talk to, um, yeah, I don't want a crazy person at the wedding!!! I want the RD and wedding to be fun and a celebration, I don't want to be trying to put on a smile when I'm pissed and upset on such an important day! There's just really no reason for the girl to be there, in my opinion. Sigh.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_stressful-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:3f3b00c3-cda4-4d52-ac4f-1df5bd973bb6Post:73d114d0-ad2b-467c-afb8-77da81c2abf6">Re: Stressful Situation</a>:
[QUOTE]He has described her as "crazy" to date, but fun to talk to, um, yeah, I don't want a crazy person at the wedding!!! I want the RD and wedding to be fun and a celebration, I don't want to be trying to put on a smile when I'm pissed and upset on such an important day! There's just really no reason for the girl to be there, in my opinion. Sigh.
Posted by mtnbrooke7[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what you need to tell FI. Sometimes we have to compromise in a relationship but sometimes we (or our husbands to be) have to make a definitive choice who they want to please (and in case you don't know...it should 99.9% of the time be your spouse!!!). She will make you uncomfortable. It is your day. Ergo, she's not invited. Your FI can say what he wants but if you are uncomfortable with her, nothing will change that. She shouldn't be worth fighting with you to him. Just state it rationally and if that doesn't work I say bring out the bridezilla because this isn't fair to you...ESPECIALLY when it wasn't discussed with you first.

ErinW1912 · June 2012

Yeah I would be upset. I did not invite two of my x's that I am freinds with for that reason. Though I refused to cut them out of my life. I have always been freinds with guys and as a general rule unless a guy hits on me that is a freind when I am in a relationship then they are cut off. I do not believe in the saying you cannot have freinds of the opposite sex. My FH has a freinds that are girls and there are more "single" girls coming from his side then mine. In your case I think you have a reason to be upset especially b/c it is like he tried to hide the fact that 2 of his x's were being invited. My fi and I discussed it and originally they would have been invited and then the families decided to add more ppl so we had to make cuts so I did not invite my x's and their girlfreinds also b/c they are freinds with a larger group and I did not have the budget to invite more 15 ppl.

mamameech · June 2012

I'd be totally pissed. Mostly because your FI or your FMIL didn't say anything to you about inviting them. SO.NOT.COOL.

mtnbrooke7 · June 2012

I feel like I need to talk to him about it, but FILs are visiting for about a week, so we're not going to have much of a chance to talk privately for a while. I am also surprised that his mom didn't say anything about the exes being on the list...maybe she assumed he and I had already talked about it..?

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