venting

blseverance · July 2010

My sister and I have never been close. She's 5 years older, acts 15 years younger than I. She left home early so I grew up without any siblings in the house. She's had a rough life and has made some bad choices. She's turned her life around and for the better. Unfortunately, she still acts as if she's 15. She's got 3 kids and is recently remarried. There is ALOT of baggage between us. Tonight, she calls me mom yelling about me not adding her to facebook, not asking her to be in my wedding when I wanted her kids to be apart of it... So, I add her to fb thinking that would appease her for a while. In response I get hate mail telling me she didn't want to be added to my "fake profile" (whats funny is I do have a fake one, but I added her to my real one).. she doesn't know why I wont ask her to be apart of the wedding, she wishes I was an only child, made reference to suicide.. etc etc...

I lost it quite frankly. I never say anything bad to or about her. I try to keep things civil between us but I lost it.. I bascially laid everything on the line for her. Why I didn't want to be fb friends, why she's not in my wedding, how i think it's ridiculous that everyone has to walk on eggshells to appease her to keep her from going off the deep end.. I never once called her names or cursed or anything..

Now, I know I'm bitchy and I'm ok with it. But I can only take so much.. I just dont know how to keep my mom out of a horrible situation. Anyone dealing with anything remotely close to this? suggestions on how to go from here? I'm lost.. So emotionally upset I'm physically sick to my stomach and not sleeping now.

I basically just needed to vent to someone not involved. Sorry to lay this on you ladies this late at night.

bananafanafofashley · July 2010

that's a crappy situation, i'm sorry. the only advice i can give is to just let her cool down. it's your wedding and if you don't feel close enough to her to have her in it you don't have to! don't feel bad about going off on her either.. seems like she needs someone to put her in her place. if you guys decide to work on your relationship though, i would definitely find a place for her in the wedding. if you get closer as you get older you may regret not doing it. congrats on your engagement, i just read the story! so cute!

Melis1273 · July 2010

Ugh- I am so sorry you need to be dealing with this. I have not dealt with anything like this personally but know someone who has. Their way to deal for a long time was just to keep a low profile and appease her ( the whole eggshell thing). After time that obviously didn't work, it got worse and she was becoming more miserable. I suggested to throw it all out there - as it was, no matter what she did or said the relative was never happy. She eventually did let it all out and had a similar outcome to yours. The relative just couldn't see it was anything they did. Personally I think it is because everyone avoided confrontation for so long. THeir relationship is far from perfect but I think they are better than where they were.

I am a very straight forward type of person and my suggestions may not be for everyone and, I am not a professional. I think you did the right thing by letting everything out (it helps you too in the long run) and by no means need to have her in your wedding, But, similar to what MrsCabral said, if you want to start working on your relationship perhaps having her be a (small) part of the wedding and allowing her to help may be a good way to start.

Good Luck!

ufsweetiebear · July 2010

I don't think you're b*tchy at all. Quite frankly, I'm proud of you! You did something that no one has ever done for her. It's up to her at this point. I believe that even if you do decide that you want to work on the relationship, your wedding is NOT the time to do it. Take her out to lunch, a mani/pedi but do not let her participate in your wedding. That only gives her what she wants (again) and gives her a public forum to act out. Besides, you can't back down after laying down the law.

I'm sorry this happened and, of course, I'm just an outsider looking in so I know this may or may not be helpful. No matter what, I'm sure you'll have a wonderful wedding with family that love you.

TTnoles · July 2010

ugh, weddings and funerals bring out the best and worst in people. Sadly it seems as though you wedding was a sounding board for the emotional baggage your sister was carrying. I think you made the right move by letting her know, at least the ball is in her court now.

Bre2Be · July 2010

I am in a similar situation. I am 6 years older than my sister. We have never been close. She and I had a falling out over a year ago and haven't spoken since. Me and my FI, her and her BF were at my mom's house with mom's FI playing board games when my sis just blew up on me and started yelling obscenities and calling me every horrible name in the book in front of everyone. I literally walked out and took a walk around the block so I didn't lose it. When I got back her and her FI were gone and nothing has been said since. I'm not even sure what triggered the outburst...other than the fact I believe she is using heavy prescription meds.

All that aside, I had NO intention on inviting her to my wedding which has caused ME to look like the bad guy to my parents. So, in order to appease them I decided rather than just sending her an invite after all this time of not talking, I would compromise by writing her a letter and laying it all out there. I'm not looking for an apology (although I do think I deserve one). I just told her that I hate that we are basically strangers and I don't want to continue to miss out on each other's lives. I want to start fresh, but I need to know that she wants the same thing. I put the ball in her court to respond and let me know where she stands.
I mailed that letter last Thursday, which means she got it on Friday. I haven't yet heard anything, but I'm giving her some time.

What it boils down to, is you can't want things to work out enough for the both of you. Relationships are not always 50/50. Sometimes it's 80/20 and as long as you're willing to make some extra effort, the other person still has to be willing to make SOME effort. You did your part, now it's her turn to try and make things better. Let the dust settle before you do anything else. I'm sorry you're going through this, but just know you are not alone!

blseverance · July 2010

Thanks ladies. I just needed somewhere to vent. And my ENTIRE BP is in Texas. And I hate putting my mom in the middle because it tears her up.. My Fi is over the drama with my sister and doesn't even want her there.. (There is ALWAYS something going on with her. This week it just happened to involve me).. I appreciate the advice and kind words.

Romere · July 2010

Your sister probably got off to a very bad start in life, now divorced, remarried, kids, etc. Her life is complicated. Sometimes people act their worst when they need us the most. She picked the wrong time to make a deal about fb, weddings are stressful and not the time for her to make a complaint. Could you find a place for her in your wedding? She wants to be a part of it. Maybe ask her to do something simple. Sshe wants to be needed. I don't think she is jealous, I think she wishes her life was like yours, starting out with the right person. He last wedding was probably simple and perhaps her first one was not as nice as yours is. Take time to look at some old pictures of her first wedding. She may feel sad that you are getting more than she did. Do you have the same father? It just seems that she is feeling left out. Still, do not do anything to complicate your own life or compromise yourself. After the wedding, maybe you can make some effort to see what is really going on inside her head and her heart. Sisters are special. You may need her someday.

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