The Etiquette of Cash Gifts

lisabean1986 · December 2010

My fiance and I just got engaged this last weekend (yay!) and he came up with an idea that has been bothering me, so I was hoping to get some opinions to help me out.

Our dream in life is to be able to move to Oahu after we are married to begin to raise a family, since that is where he grew up as a kid. Since neither of us is making any big bucks at the moment (affording the wedding is a daunting enough task!) he suggested having people contribute to a fund to help us move to Hawaii instead of giving a normal wedding gift of housewares.

I was worried that this would be incredibly tacky, but were that not an issue it would be a fantastic help to help us achieve one of the big life goals that we both share. What do you all think? Should we indicate to our guests that there is a fund that they can contribute to if they wish, or just sign up for a traditional gift registry and leave it at that?

The Mel and Todd Show · December 2010

Absolutely not.

Simply Fated · December 2010

Just don't register or have a small registry and spread it through word of mouth that you're saving up to move. Most guests will get the hint.
But by no means should you outright ask your guests to contribute to a Moving Fund. You are not your own charity, ya know what I mean?

waltzingmatilda13 · December 2010

Just don't register for anything and people will most likely give you cash.

salt78 · December 2010

INCREDIBLY tacky.

pinkpinot · December 2010

OMG. Seriously. A wedding isn't a fundraising event. Act like grownups and save your own money to move. If people want to give you cash as a gift then by all means use it to move but don't ask your guests to contribute to a fund.

Rosie109 · December 2010

My dream is to live in Paris.

salt78 · December 2010

My dream was that I was in a high school being chased by zombies. Last night anyway.

Rosie109 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:21ec8ef0-00e4-48a1-aad8-76bc14290481">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]My dream was that I was in a high school being chased by zombies. Last night anyway.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

<div>Is there a fund I can donate to for this?</div>

redheadfsu · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:c566a59d-b244-48ed-aff5-5efdb36b672b">The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I just got engaged this last weekend (yay!) and he came up with an idea that has been bothering me, so I was hoping to get some opinions to help me out. Our dream in life is to be able to move to Oahu after we are married to begin to raise a family, since that is where he grew up as a kid. Since neither of us is making any big bucks at the moment (affording the wedding is a daunting enough task!) he suggested having people contribute to a fund to help us move to Hawaii instead of giving a normal wedding gift of housewares. <strong>I was worried that this would be incredibly tacky</strong>, but were that not an issue it would be a fantastic help to help us achieve one of the big life goals that we both share. What do you all think? Should we indicate to our guests that there is a fund that they can contribute to if they wish, or just sign up for a traditional gift registry and leave it at that?
Posted by lisabean1986[/QUOTE]

It is incredibly tacky.

First, guests do not have to give any gifts. Asking for cash (or any gift) is very rude. A "fund" doesn't make it any better.

Just don't register & <strong>if </strong>people ask you or your parents what to get you you can nicely say, "we are planning to move & are currently saving for that expense"

salt78 · December 2010

Yes. I'll be setting one up before our vowel renewal.

baystateapple · December 2010

Don't register. Your guests will get the idea that you want money instead of material things, although some are set in their ways and will still give those to you.

Wedding gifts, like ALL gifts, are always optional and never required. And it is NEVER proper to suggest to someone what they should gift you.

Save up for your move on your own. H and I want to move up to Massachusetts sometime in the next year, and we are saving up for that by ourselves.

ehathewa · December 2010

Yes, you are right, it is tacky. I'd make a small registry (You might want new sheets or a few small things for your new home/life where ever it is). Spread it by word of mouth. So when someone asks your mom what to get you for a wedding gift she can say "They have a small registry at XXX, and are also saving up for a home together."

btrflykate1230 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:850dd732-8d97-4daa-8ab2-583fc076639c">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. I'll be setting one up before our vowel renewal.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Just don't forget to sign up for a site that charges guests an extra processing fee. Guests love that.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Ditto pp. Don't do it.

mikeynkrib2011 · December 2010

i think registering for a 'fund' is generally not accepted in terms of etiquette, but i truthfully believe that it will become more and more popular as technology evolves.

if you feel comfortable, i would recommend gogift.com becuase it allows you to personalize the site and give a breakdown of what you'll be using the $$$ for.

the site also sends you these adorable shower inserts free of charge.

a lot of people have opinions about etiquette...and in my honest opinion, i think etiquette will always be broken simply becuase times change. i mean, it wasn't proper for women to wear pants a decae ago.

i say, do what you feel comfortable with. everyone will have an opinion about what you do, and if guests don't want to use the fund registry...they won't! they'll prob give cash instead!

emilyinchile · December 2010

OP, you should probably not take advice from someone who thinks it wasn't proper for women to wear pants a decade ago. In the year 2000.

salt78 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:e17a93b6-b56b-489c-8ea9-c8f32caffe27">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, you should probably not take advice from someone who thinks it wasn't proper for women to wear pants a decade ago. In the year 2000.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>DED.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:7523e1d4-b59a-436a-ae00-92fdc7eae950">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Just don't register for anything and people will most likely give you cash.
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

Yup. People will ask you, your mom, your MOH, "Oh, where are they registered?" Answer: "Oh, they decided not to because they'd like to move to Hawaii after the wedding, and it would be hard for them to move a lot of housewares." HINT. That's the polite way to do it.

mikeynkrib2011 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:7fc8fed5-02fc-4f09-9bdb-e8db4c96a830">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I wore pants a decade ago. I guess I'm a scarlet woman.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

haha i'm a scarlet woman too! i meant century, however.........

JanoBean75 · December 2010

What are you going to do for work on Oahu? It costs money to move, to find a place to stay while looking for a home, possibly to fix up said home.

Just don't register. Most people gave us cash anyway and we did have a regular registry.

saisongbird · December 2010

One of my friends did this five years ago - the moving to Hawaii after they got married deal. They registered for small things - a hand-held blender, movies, sheets, etc. They didn't register for large things. That's all you can do. You can set up a wedding website and explain your move to Hawaii on the website, and your family can say it when people ask, but asking for money outright is never a good idea. And the websites that set up these funds ALWAYS take a "finder's fee," so you never get 100% of what your guest wants to give you.

lisabean1986 · December 2010

Thank you all for the feedback. A lot of you have reinforced what I already knew the moment my fiance brought up this idea: that others might consider it tacky. I really don't want to leave a sour taste in my guests mouth about the whole thing, nor do I want to have to worry about that possibility (which I would).

So, I think I will take the idea to just register for small items (indicating that I don't need a lot of housewares because that would be difficult to move to Hawaii, which is very true), and if people want to give money on their own volition then more power to them.

My reasoning is this: even if none of my guests think its tacky, I know I'll be worrying about people thinking its tacky anyways, and there are really more important things to worry about than that. Best forget the idea and save myself the undue stress.

Anyways, I just told the fiance I would give his idea a fair shot and think about it, but I believe I know what I should do now. :P Thanks again!

Anyways, sorry for the silly question. I'm still new to all this.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

why even register for small stuff? i mean movies? who registers for that? if a couple cant afford a $20 dvd then why are tehy gettign married?

also, if you register, folks might give you gift cards for the store you register at. you cant cash these in.

RebeccaB88 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:798a52f1-2951-484e-b017-26463f6e8ad8">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, you are right, it is tacky. I'd make a small registry (You might want new sheets or a few small things for your new home/life where ever it is). Spread it by word of mouth. So when someone asks your mom what to get you for a wedding gift she can say "They have a small registry at XXX, and are also saving up for a home together."
Posted by ehathewa[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. You don't have to tell them where said home will be. I think most people understand why you will want to buy a home together and will be happy to give cash that you can use towards that. If you don't have a registry, you won't be able to accept showers, though. You can't do a cash shower. Have one registry to upgrade things you have and add some things you really need and will take with you when you move, especially if someone wants to give you a shower.

lisabean1986 · December 2010

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:2d2bcf41-d223-47a8-b44d-a9b5f5026466">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]why even register for small stuff? i mean movies? who registers for that? if a couple cant afford a $20 dvd then why are tehy gettign married? also, if you register, folks might give you gift cards for the store you register at. you cant cash these in.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Hmm, I appreciate your feedback but I think you misunderstand. By "small things" I mean that if people want to give a gift of housewares then we would only put things that are physically small in the registry b/c it would be easier to move to Hawaii. No, we are not registering for DVDs.

I am slightly taken aback by some assumptions made about our finances, which wasn't exactly the sticking point in my question. We are paying for a wedding after all. :P</p><p>My fiance just brought up the idea about the moving donations because moving would be a financial stretch AFTER paying for the wedding, but I agree that it would not be the wisest of ideas. You all have already reinforced what I already had figured. :)

Anyways, sorry for the wall of text! You all have been very helpful, as the world of wedding ettiquitte is pretty new to me.</p>

Goldlie11 · December 2010

I don't think that you should register unless you are having a shower. If you are having a shower, you should register for tangible gifts.

lisabean1986 · December 2010

To be honest, I'm not sure if I will have a shower. >< Most of my friends are scattered to the 4 winds and I don't think I have enough that live in the vicinity to warrant a shower. I suppose that's bound to happen once everybody graduates from college and moves away. :-/

Anyways, on a slightly related topic: Is it standard procedure to only have shower gifts and have the wedding gift-free? I can't say I've been to many weddings at all (and not since I was a little kid), so I really have no clue.

Goldlie11 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:cdc01413-5dd0-410b-9479-c290a537c25a">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I'm not sure if I will have a shower. />< Most of my friends are scattered to the 4 winds and I don't think I have enough that live in the vicinity to warrant a shower. I suppose that's bound to happen once everybody graduates from college and moves away. :-/ Anyways, on a slightly related topic: Is it standard procedure to only have shower gifts and have the wedding gift-free? I can't say I've been to many weddings at all (and not since I was a little kid), so I really have no clue.
Posted by lisabean1986[/QUOTE]
Well, showers are pretty much for tangible gifts. The whole point is to shower her with gifts and watch her open the gifts.<div>
</div><div>Technically, if someone buys a tangible wedding gift, they should send the gift(s) to the house of whoever is hosting the wedding. Still, some people do bring gifts with them to the wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Where I'm from, most people buy gifts for the shower and give cash for weddings. Also, some people only give a gift at the shower and do not give anything at the wedding. </div>

DramaGeek · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-of-cash-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c515b42a-3b22-4d67-be25-7d81c9057463Post:cdc01413-5dd0-410b-9479-c290a537c25a">Re: The Etiquette of Cash Gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I'm not sure if I will have a shower. />< Most of my friends are scattered to the 4 winds and I don't think I have enough that live in the vicinity to warrant a shower. I suppose that's bound to happen once everybody graduates from college and moves away. :-/ <strong>Anyways, on a slightly related topic: Is it standard procedure to only have shower gifts and have the wedding gift-free?</strong> I can't say I've been to many weddings at all (and not since I was a little kid), so I really have no clue.
Posted by lisabean1986[/QUOTE]

I think this tends to vary by region. From what I've heard, on the east coast people generally gift money for a wedding, but here in Portland it's extremely common to A) receive a tangible gift and B) have it brought to the wedding. We filled two suburbans with the gifts brought to our wedding, and a car and a truck when my college roommate got married. It's quite normal here for people to bring the gift to the actual ceremony.

leah2b · December 2010

I'm still struck by the poster who said it wasn't proper for women to wear pants 10 years ago. Ummm, I am imagining that the poster is around 20 years old? Well, I was wearing pants 10 years ago and there was nothing improper or unusual about it. In Where did you get this from and did you graduate from high school? Are you from some strange religious sect?

Lisabean - good luck on your move. Register for some stuff that you could really use if you move. Also, maybe throw a few gift cards on the registry. Recently I have been seeing this. We received a bunch of gift cards to Macys and Pottery barn (where we registered) even though we didn't have them on the registry. They ended up being useful.
After your shower, remove everything from your registry that is left over. Generally where I am from people will give cash -- especially if there is not much left on the registry. Maybe quietly sprend the word within your family that you plan on moving and won't be able to bring a lot of 'stuff" with you. But in no way say your prefer cash.

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