Overwhelmed and Young!

Katyas90 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:207465a1-e30f-42c0-b63e-0c211acd0ad1Post:634bacd0-96a9-410b-bb80-89af73d3bf1b">Re: Overwhelmed and Young!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Overwhelmed and Young! : Alot of my friends have gotten married at 18 and 19 too. None are divorced and none were pregnant and felt they had to get married. Some places it really is normal (although where I am from it religious and has nothing to do with military stuff). But you sound like you understand what a huge committment marriage is and a level head, unlike the OP. Although I still think there is no reason to not wait until you have experience life some more.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Beth, where I live, getting married young for religious reasons is more common than waiting until you're older as well. Even though I'm not entirely done with college yet, I have more friends who are married than not. Actually, my
best friend who I met in college got married at 18 due to religious reasons and is still happily married. Both of them are graduating this semester. I really have no idea how they do it, but I have more respect for them than some people who wait years to get married and still aren't ready.

That being said, I agree that Emyle seems level-headed enough to at least understand what she's getting into, and could very possibly have a great, happy marriage. OP, on the other hand, I'm not even going to address. Please read what all of the other PPs said. They have much more life experience than you and know what they are talking about!

jeanacorina · February 2010

learn 2 english.

thx.

aholtsb · February 2010

Don't rush into this! Especially since you are thinking of going to college. You will, normally, have a lot of growth in life and experience when you head off to college. It would not be wise to rush into marriage now. Allow yourself to get out into the world. If you and your FI are meant to grow old together he'll still be there when you are done college.

britne28 this is some excellent advice.

Miss Owl, college is a wonderful, crazy, stressful, and fun time and you will change a lot during those year as will your fiance during his first couple of years in the service and these changes could be good or bad for your relationship. My now fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and we had those very strong feelings of wanting to get married just as you must have, but when we got to college our experiences caused us to go in different directions and we broke up. We later decided even though we were changing that we wanted to do so together, but this is not the case for everyone. As a person, who has been young and very much in love, I would suggest that you wait too get married at least until you are done with your undergraduate studies. College is a huge experience as is getting married and I would suggest, for your own sanity and so that you can enjoy both of these experiences to their fullest potential, that you take these experiences one at a time.

kkrissel · February 2010

Aside from all of us making fun of your spelling and word usage, there is some really good advice in here.

There is no reason not to wait. I'm sure many of us felt like we were with the love of our lives in high school, but once we went on to college and did some growing up we realized that we want/need different things. If your fiance can still provide you with everything you need (I'm talking emotionally here) after a few years of personal growth, than that's fantastic and you should get married: he really is the love of your life!

Sweetie, when I was 17 I didn't even know how to balance my own checkbook. You have to be sure you can take care of yourself before you commit to taking care of each-other. And trust me, you'll want the support of your family, as well.

AlexiaANDRobert · February 2010

If we could even get past the spelling or grammar or the whole context of the OP, there are a billion reasons why this is not a good idea.

Her parents don't know and she has to keep it a secret. She's young and, from the way the OP sounds, seems immature, and doesn't even have a good reason for getting married.

Also, for those that keep saying that people got married for religious reasons - what does that even mean?

The only reason you should get married is because you're ready to commit yourself to the other person. Reasons to get married should NOT include military, insurance, or religion.

jesi_nickles · February 2010

I have a friend that got married a few years ago. While I do not consider myself young at this point (I'm 23 fyi) She was only 21 when she got married, moved to a different part of the country with him, and I have since seen her back in town, and hubby is no longer hubby.

Maturity has NOTHING to do with getting married at 17 or 18. It DOESN'T matter that you have "lived". You have never really lived until you have gone and been on your own for a bit. I dont mean breaking up with him and sleeping around, I mean getting life expirence. If you have never left your home town, or done something you have really wanted to do, then you are too young, age wise and maturity wise, to get married.

Yes I am engaged, and getting married, however, I will be 25 by that point, AND, not only have I lived on my own, but I have lived on my own in a different country, done many hours of volunteer work, as well I have gone to college.

Yes I am moving in with him in 4 months. Do I think it will be a problem? No.

I have done quite a few things on my "bucket" list. I have learned much about myself, and I am nothing like I was in HS.

People change, and getting married for the sake of deployment is not a good reason. I have survived one deployment, and am getting ready to go through another longer one.

So please, to sum up what I am saying: Wait. It doesnt mean call off the engagement permanetly, it mearly means you have some self discovery to do before you can walk down that aisle in that white dress.

brilibby4 · February 2010

You don't even sound excited or happy to be engaged...so why are you?! In highschool everyone thinks they will marry their current boyfriend or girlfriend but I know VERY few who actually do. If your relationship is meant to last forever then it will make it through this difficult transition time in your lives (with or without a ring!) so please take all of the advice here and WAIT.

Katyas90 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:207465a1-e30f-42c0-b63e-0c211acd0ad1Post:c7f9159b-a87d-421f-b7aa-bc4a53df9748">Re: Overwhelmed and Young!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Overwhelmed and Young! : First--I wasn't condoning it. Second--I think I wasn't exactly clear. In my hometown there is one religion that over half of the community is. In this religion women are not encouraged to continue thier education and be able to support themselves. They are pushed towards marriage and family. The college most of them end up going to has a ring ceremony every friday night for the girls who get engaged that week. All through high school growing up with these girl it was unbelievable how much all of them wanted to get married. When asked what thier biggest dream was they would answer "to get married in the temple". I think thats sad that THAT is thier biggest dream but really who I am to judge. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that if they don't get married they can't get into heaven...so thats some pressure. Really unless you actually live in an area like that its hard to understand. Obviously I do not think the OP should be getting married, she does not seem mature enough at all. But like I said before there is rarely a reason not to wait.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I have to, yet again, second everything Beth said.

Although I'm not one of these particular girls, most of my friends from high school are. I don't agree with it, but, unfortunately, it's extremely common where I grew up for girls to be pushed towards marriage at a young age rather than a college education.

FutureMrsBoucher · February 2010

PLEASE PLEASE don't do it. I got engaged young and ended up calling the wedding off less than 3 months beforehand. My parents did not approve (and rightly so), we both still lived at home and neither one of us was grown enough. The situation got really messy. It was just really bad.

You really change so much in the next few years, you two will probably become totally different people than you are now, I've seen it happen. I have friends younger than me who are divorced who got engaged in situations similar to yours, and I'm only 23! HOLY CRAP!

Also, learn how to spell. No need for fancy words here, dear...

pjseabee · February 2010

There's no way in hell I would marry the boys I dated when I was 17. Please don't take offense to that, I'm talking about myself here... You want overwhelming? Try thinking about the amount of growing and changing you're going to do between 17 and 21 years of age... and then again from 21 to 25. It's unreal. Truly. If you don't believe me, think of the changes you've gone through from 13-17....your taste in clothes, friends, music, hairstyles. You'll go through so many more intense changes as you really "grow up" while in college.

You said it yourself, you're YOUNG. you have PLENTY of time. Take it.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

I know I'm a little late in contributing, but because of my experiences, I had to comment.

OP, I am still with my high school boyfriend (now Fiance). I wish now that I had ladies like on here to give me the advice they are giving you. When I was a freshman in college I was CONVINCED that we should get married immediately. My fiance did not agree at the time; he wanted to wait until we were done with college. I just couldn't understand this attitude. I figured, "If we're going to be together forever, why not start now?!" Of course, I should have been thinking the exact opposite, "If we have forever, there is NO rush!"

Anyway, the harder I kept pushing and pushing for MARRIAGE NOW! the further I pushed my then boyfriend away. Things got really bad between us for a long time until I finally decided that unless we did couples counseling, I would leave the relationship. Couples counseling was hands down the best experience of my life. Over the next year we worked through our issues, and now about 3 years after we completed counseling, we are happily engaged to be married.

Long story short, both me and my fiance have changed immensely over the last 7.5 years. We are both COMPLETELY different people than we were in high school. Heck, we're even completely different people than we were for the first two years of college. I know your situation is not the exact same, since it seems from your post that your fiance is on-board, but it is STILL not a good idea--not in the least. I PROMISE you won't have any regrets if you wait to get married until you are an independent young woman with a college degree under her belt. What is the worst that can happen from waiting? If it is truly, truly meant to be, then you two will be that much stronger for sticking together through all of these life changes, and THEN getting married. I promise it will feel so much better, so much more right when you are truly ready. I know it seems like forever away, but the wait will be completely worth it. PLEASE listen to me and all the smart ladies on here telling you to wait.

Decker1 · February 2010

I feel your pain. I am in almost the same situation as you are.
I do not understand what the difference of going to college with a husband is as opposed to going without one. That is what im doing.
As my cousin has pointed out, marriage is not much different from just living with someone. Tell your parents when YOU think the time is right, you have to live your life for you, and not anyone else. if they dont like it, too bad. Everyone has to make their own choices. If this is yours then go for it.
Good luck!

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

Decker- Read the rest of the posts in this thread. As someone pointed out, if the ONLY people who think it is a good idea are other teenagers, do you think that maybe there is a possibility it's not a good idea? I used to think the way you are now when I was your age, that there is no real difference...it's just living arrangements. I was WRONG! And you are too. Please read my post above yours, as well as the rest of the posts from the very smart ladies on here.

oceana919 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:207465a1-e30f-42c0-b63e-0c211acd0ad1Post:bb4110d5-5896-4262-b022-6af1cad7f0af">Re: Overwhelmed and Young!</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel your pain. I am in almost the same situation as you are. I do not understand what the difference of going to college with a husband is as opposed to going without one. That is what im doing. [/QUOTE]

Um, huge difference. When you are married, you're not just accountable to yourself anymore - you're accountable to yourself and to the person you are legally wed to. The actions you take and the decision you make will not only impact you, but the your husband as well. What happens if you decide to transfer schools, or change majors, or stay on an extra year and accrue another $20K in student loans that you now (together) have to pay off? What happens if he doesn't agree with you? It's not like Days of the Week underpants - you can't just change your husbands when the first one needs a wash.

[QUOTE]As my cousin has pointed out, marriage is not much different from just living with someone. [/QUOTE]

Your post makes it blantantly obvious that you don't truly understand what a marriage is. Marriage is completely different than living with someone. Living with someone means you are legally committed to a lease agreement. Being married means you are legally committed to a lease agreement and ANOTHER PERSON. When you're married and things go wrong, you can't just say "I quit" and walk away and have that be the end of it - you are legally and financially tied to that person and must end your marriage in a court of law. Until you fully grasp the legal, financial, moral, and religious responsibilities and demands of marriage, you should in no way, shape or form be going anywhere near a pastor or JOP.

[QUOTE]Tell your parents when YOU think the time is right, you have to live your life for you, and not anyone else. if they dont like it, too bad. Everyone has to make their own choices. If this is yours then go for it. Good luck!
Posted by Decker1[/QUOTE]

You seriously need to read the posts that came above you. If the only support this girl is garnering is 17 and 18 year olds who are not married, that should be a BIG RED FLAG right there.

Spim7 · February 2010

If you're waiting until your jr. year in college you have plenty of time to just relax. Focus on getting into college, enjoy your senior year and don't worry about wedding plans until you're through your freshman year.

brilibby4 · February 2010

Decker- If you don't see the difference between living together and getting married then why are you in such a rush to get married? If you don't see the difference between going to college married and going to college in a relationship then why are you in a rush to get married? If basically EVERYONE in the entire world is telling you it is a bad idea...and you see absolutely no difference then why not wait JUST IN CASE everyone else is right? You get married when you are 100% ready (or as ready as anyone can be!) for the changes marraige brings. If you can not even identify those changes then you obviously aren't prepared to deal with them yet. Like OP, you too should definitely WAIT.

britne28 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:207465a1-e30f-42c0-b63e-0c211acd0ad1Post:bb4110d5-5896-4262-b022-6af1cad7f0af">Re: Overwhelmed and Young!</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel your pain. I am in almost the same situation as you are. I do not understand what the difference of going to college with a husband is as opposed to going without one. That is what im doing. As my cousin has pointed out, marriage is not much different from just living with someone. Tell your parents when YOU think the time is right, you have to live your life for you, and not anyone else. if they dont like it, too bad. Everyone has to make their own choices. If this is yours then go for it. Good luck!
Posted by Decker1[/QUOTE]

How old are you? Your post puts you right in with OP, no clear understanding of the real world. Which is normal when you are in HS. There is a massive difference from living together and being married.

Has OP chimed back in or did I miss her responses?

brimcleod · February 2010

I'm not even going to say what I was wanting to say, because the regulars around here would not let me live it down.

But OP, check your private messages!!!

jnic0319 · February 2010

Does anyone else think that OP is spam???? This can not be real right?

**shakes head**

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:207465a1-e30f-42c0-b63e-0c211acd0ad1Post:79b40093-9e3a-44e3-a230-a2b13e37cf33">Re: Overwhelmed and Young!</a>:
[QUOTE]Does anyone else think that OP is spam???? This can not be real right? **shakes head**
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

Spam = the abuse of electronic messaging systems to send unsolicited bulk messages indiscriminately.

MUD = Made Up Drama

The original poster would be "spamming" us if she had posted this exact same message multiple times on multiple boards (most likely trying to sell something).

If it is, as you said, not real, then it would be considered "MUD" and she would be considered a "troll."

There, that was lesson 1 in teh interwebs speak. Next week's lesson will be "toast."

jet2paris85 · February 2010

Lets not be so harsh towards her. She asked for advice not to be mocked.

I agree- wait It is best for you and your b/f. Being overseas can change a multitude of things... you have time. You are young. If you know you love each other than take this time to grow in that love.

vegprincess · February 2010

I have to agree that if you're old enough to get married, you should be able to tell your parents.
The only other piece of advice I have for you is to take time to make sure that he is the one. I know that every situation is different and have a friend who after about 8 years is getting married to her high school boyfriend, so I'm not saying it can't work; but at the same time, I know that I was completely in love with my high school bf too. We were together for 3 years and things ended up not working out. He ended up going to college a year ahead of me and within a month, he felt that the distance (3.5 hrs) was too difficult and broke things off with me for another girl. (Since then we have remained friends, or rebuilt that friendship after a few years.) Anyway, we had briefly talked of marriage someday because I think every young couple in love thinks they'll be together forever. I'm not saying it won't work out, just know that if you have all these plans for yourself in the future, you should work out who you are and see if the love of your life grows along with that - college can really change you and you want to make sure you still allow yourself to grow. He's like the other half of your puzzle, but both of your pieces are continuing to grow and change - I'd suggest you wait to see if you still fit together as you continue to grow as individuals.

Vintagelove4 · November 2012

First breath. Second maybe you should sit down and write it all out to try and make sense of it all. These are huge life changes maybe put wedding bells out of your mind and focus on working on your relationship?

Overwhelmed and Young!

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