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Wedding Party
JanieD10
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Dilemma with recently disabled BM
I am in a sticky situation with one of my BM's (a close friend).
Last year around this time one of my close friends had a number of unexpected health issues arise including a stroke. When it was time to ask for my friends to be in the WP she had just been released from the hospital. At the time we all had really high hopes and we may have been naive to think things would get back to being somewhat normal. I felt the need to make her feel included because I did not want her to be even more upset about her new found disabilities so I asked her. When I asked her I THOUGHT I worded it in a way that let her know she was important to me and I would love to have her be a part of the day but I understood she had a long road of her and I in no way wanted her to feel obligated. I told her it was completely up to her but I just wanted her to know she was important to me and no matter if she was able to be in it or not the thought was there. I really truly and honestly did this with the best intentions. We had no idea at the time that her condition would not have improved by now.
I hadn't mentioned it and neither had she until NOW. My wedding is in 3 mths. She basically informs me that she will be going to get fitted for her dress and it seemed almost as she was saying whether I like it or not. I had no clue she had any intentions at this point on being in the wedding. This of course would not be an issue but she cannot walk by herself down the aisle, stand by herself and she cannot drive. She cannot do most regular tasks on her own. She uses a walker when she can. She would have to make arrangements to be dropped off and picked up or depend on me to get her back and forth on my wedding day and of course I will be super busy. She is also on alot of pain medication and is so out of it at times and at others just plain mean and combative. She is going through a nasty divorce from someone who she has let control her for 10 years and this had made matters worse. She is wanting to prove her independence and also "prove" that she is not disabled. I understand how hard this is for her but my wedding is not the place to try and make that statement.
Basically I was wanting some input from others on how to handle this because it really upsets me and has caused me a lack of sleep. I do not want to take her out of the WP but I would like to make other arrangements for her on the day of the wedding and have her already seated instead of walking down the aisle. Any suggestions???
Last year around this time one of my close friends had a number of unexpected health issues arise including a stroke. When it was time to ask for my friends to be in the WP she had just been released from the hospital. At the time we all had really high hopes and we may have been naive to think things would get back to being somewhat normal. I felt the need to make her feel included because I did not want her to be even more upset about her new found disabilities so I asked her. When I asked her I THOUGHT I worded it in a way that let her know she was important to me and I would love to have her be a part of the day but I understood she had a long road of her and I in no way wanted her to feel obligated. I told her it was completely up to her but I just wanted her to know she was important to me and no matter if she was able to be in it or not the thought was there. I really truly and honestly did this with the best intentions. We had no idea at the time that her condition would not have improved by now.
I hadn't mentioned it and neither had she until NOW. My wedding is in 3 mths. She basically informs me that she will be going to get fitted for her dress and it seemed almost as she was saying whether I like it or not. I had no clue she had any intentions at this point on being in the wedding. This of course would not be an issue but she cannot walk by herself down the aisle, stand by herself and she cannot drive. She cannot do most regular tasks on her own. She uses a walker when she can. She would have to make arrangements to be dropped off and picked up or depend on me to get her back and forth on my wedding day and of course I will be super busy. She is also on alot of pain medication and is so out of it at times and at others just plain mean and combative. She is going through a nasty divorce from someone who she has let control her for 10 years and this had made matters worse. She is wanting to prove her independence and also "prove" that she is not disabled. I understand how hard this is for her but my wedding is not the place to try and make that statement.
Basically I was wanting some input from others on how to handle this because it really upsets me and has caused me a lack of sleep. I do not want to take her out of the WP but I would like to make other arrangements for her on the day of the wedding and have her already seated instead of walking down the aisle. Any suggestions???
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dilemma with recently disabled BM
[QUOTE]I am in a sticky situation with one of my BM's (a close friend). Last year around this time one of my close friends had a number of unexpected health issues arise including a stroke. When it was time to ask for my friends to be in the WP she had just been released from the hospital. At the time we all had really high hopes and we may have been naive to think things would get back to being somewhat normal. I felt the need to make her feel included because I did not want her to be even more upset about her new found disabilities so I asked her. When I asked her I THOUGHT I worded it in a way that let her know she was important to me and I would love to have her be a part of the day but I understood she had a long road of her and I in no way wanted her to feel obligated. I told her it was completely up to her but I just wanted her to know she was important to me and no matter if she was able to be in it or not the thought was there. I really truly and honestly did this with the best intentions. We had no idea at the time that her condition would not have improved by now. I hadn't mentioned it and neither had she until NOW. My wedding is in 3 mths. She basically informs me that she will be going to get fitted for her dress and it seemed almost as she was saying whether I like it or not. I had no clue she had any intentions at this point on being in the wedding. This of course would not be an issue but she cannot walk by herself down the aisle, stand by herself and she cannot drive. She cannot do most regular tasks on her own. She uses a walker when she can. She would have to make arrangements to be dropped off and picked up or depend on me to get her back and forth on my wedding day and of course I will be super busy. She is also on alot of pain medication and is so out of it at times and at others just plain mean and combative. She is going through a nasty divorce from someone who she has let control her for 10 years and this had made matters worse. She is wanting to prove her independence and also "prove" that she is not disabled. I understand how hard this is for her but my wedding is not the place to try and make that statement. Basically I was wanting some input from others on how to handle this because it really upsets me and has caused me a lack of sleep. I do not want to take her out of the WP but I would like to make other arrangements for her on the day of the wedding and have her already seated instead of walking down the aisle. Any suggestions???
Posted by JanieD10[/QUOTE]
Well, you asked her already so cutting her out now would be a terrible move on your part especially since she's in the mind set of proving she's okay so I'm glad you've already come to the decision to keep her. I don't understand though why you're thinking she can't go down the aisle like all the other BMs. The divorce, her being mean to people due to the medicine, etc. have nothing to do with her ability to use a waker/chair to get down the aisle. To me, those comments sound like you're actually reaching for reasons to ask her to step down so since you've decided to have her in the WP, those reasons should be a moot point.
Anyway, it's not your responsiblilty to make arrangements for transportation for any WP members regardless of their physical abilities. Some brides do the limo for the WP, have a room at a hotel for getting ready together, etc. but those aren't obiligatory. It seems like you're creating worries for yourself that don't have to be.
Give her a call and ask her if she has thought about ride arrangements and such and then offer to help her figure it out. I'm not saying you have to make the arrangments for her but if you work on it together, at least you'll know what her plan is and that should take away some of your worries about how she will get there.
As far as standing goes, she could walk down the aisle with the walker and if she wants, can sit on the front row or she could stand until she's tired and then sit. Bottom line, talk to HER and ASK her how she wants to do things - don't make any assumptions or decisions for her. Being told how things are going to be is the last thing she needs right now and it could be damaging to your friendship. I think she would be really appreciative of your consideration and concern for her comfort.
GL
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06.10.10
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If you don't want to call attention to her disability, you can have the bridesmaids sit in the front row -- this is how it is done at a lot of church weddings. That way she won't have to stand for a long service.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dilemma-recently-disabled-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e09a0e9-05a3-4f3b-abc1-bdbc0d5c9213Post:161ddd15-8019-4474-999b-57bd1c817fd0">Dilemma with recently disabled BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand how hard this is for her but my wedding is not the place to try and make that statement.
Posted by JanieD10[/QUOTE]
I don't mean to be rude, but do you realize what goes through the mind of someone who is temporarily or recently disabled? It is <em>so hard</em> to admit that your body doesn't work the way it used to. I was in a car accident with my mom a few years ago and shattered my pelvis. I couldn't walk without a walker, and then without crutches, for quite some time. Even after I was walking again, people at work, at school, and even my friends treated me like I was some sort of delicate glass that would break if pressure was applied. Although I don't know your friend, judging by your description, it sounds like she's going through some similar emotions -- she wants to do what everyone else does. And if she's incapable of walking the aisle, like everyone else, then she should be the one to say so. She knows her body best. GL.
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I understand how hard this is for her but my wedding is not the place to try and make that statement.
Basically I was wanting some input from others on how to handle this because it really upsets me and has caused me a lack of sleep. I do not want to take her out of the WP but I would like to make other arrangements for her on the day of the wedding and have her already seated instead of walking down the aisle. Any suggestions???
This makes it appear that you don't want someone who can't glide gracefully down the aisle in your wedding. Please, please, please tell me that's not what you wrote. Because if it IS what you meant, I simply don't have words.
Well, that's not entirely true. I do have words. I just probably shouldn't say them.
It sounds like you are embarrased by your friend, and would rather treat her as a disabled person than your friend. If she is a friend, then she is a friend no matter if she can walk straight or talk straight. She values your friendship enough to make the effort to get dressed up and hobble down the aisle just to stand up for you on your wedding day. To put her disabilities on display like that is a great sacrifice to her ego, that she is making for you. How about you show a little compassion as well?
[QUOTE]I do not want to take her out of the WP but I would like to make other arrangements for her on the day of the wedding and have her already seated instead of walking down the aisle. Any suggestions???
Posted by JanieD10[/QUOTE]
I don't understand why you included all these other complaints in your post (she's on pain medication, she can be a nasty person, she would be asking you for a ride, etc.) if this is what it all boils down to ... that you want her in the wedding but you don't want her to use a walker (or whatever) to go down the aisle.
Next time, just cut to the chase and say, "I don't want people to see a disabled person walking down the aisle at my wedding. How do I hide her?"
So what if she needs a walker to get down the aisle? If you think that will somehow ruin your wedding, then you need to remember that the main event is you getting married to your FI, not the perfect parade of pretty BMs. If she generally has problems standing for long periods of time, ask her if she'd like to sit down for the ceremony - but don't decide for her.
You say that you asked her in a way that gave her an out if she wanted it - well, clearly she doesn't. And there's no reason for you guys to have discussed her participation in your wedding until now, since it sounds like she's got a lot on her plate and wasn't the kind of BM who gets a thrill out of shopping for invitations with the bride (which is fine). You should be excited that your friend is a) alive and b) well enough to attend and participate in your wedding rather than focusing on the fact that she probably can't wear the high heels you had your heart set on.
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The way you've worded it makes it sound like you value aesthetics over your friend and her feelings, although I hope I'm just misinterpreting that by a long shot.
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I don't know why you're surprised that she thinks she is in the wedding party. YOU asked her.
DH's groomswoman has a variety of health issues as well. She walks with a cane, is on tons of meds that, among other things, make her sleepy or keep her in the bathroom for HOURS at a time. However, she knows her limitations and is able to work with them. She walked down the aisle, cane and all, and looked beautiful. Check out my wedding bio for pics.
You know what you do as her friend? YOU make accomodations for HER. I asked GW privately what she felt comfortable with, if she wanted to walk down the aisle, if she needed help, or wanted to sit up front. We ended up having all the guys/girls walk together during the processional, so she had someone to lean on if she needed it. We also set a chair up front if she needed to sit down.
She should be able to make arrangements to get to the wedding on her own - she's already proactive enough to have ordered the dress.
Your bridesmaids are not props for your pretty pictures; they are your friends. Treat them as such.
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[QUOTE]There's just no way that you come across here as anything but mean-spirited. I understand how hard this is for her but my wedding is not the place to try and make that statement. Basically I was wanting some input from others on how to handle this because it really upsets me and has caused me a lack of sleep. I do not want to take her out of the WP but I would like to make other arrangements for her on the day of the wedding and have her already seated instead of walking down the aisle. Any suggestions??? This makes it appear that you don't want someone who can't glide gracefully down the aisle in your wedding. Please, please, please tell me that's not what you wrote. Because if it IS what you meant, I simply don't have words. Well, that's not entirely true. I do have words. I just probably shouldn't say them.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
Oh. My. God. How did I miss that?
Here's my word: peach. OP - you're a peach.
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I think the best thing for you to do is to sit down and talk to her about her needs. Is she planning on walking? Is she planning on using a wheel chair? Will she need special transportation to and from the wedding? etc... You may be able to hire a nurse or physical therapist to assist her on the day of the wedding.
On another note - how would you feel if you had a stroke and you were suddenly disabled. If your so-called "closest friend" started thinking about booting you from her wedding because of your new disability. Not only is she going through a divorce, but now her "closest friend" wants to boot her because she is in pain and can't walk. I would be lucky to have you as a friend of mine (SARCASM!!!)
My mom has Parkinson's and her hands tremble all the time. She has trouble walking at times. Should I demand that she be seated an hour before the ceremony so that no one will have to see her walk down the aisle? No way. She's my mother, and I love her.
Should I not have invited my cousin with MS who has the enormous wheelchair?
Do either of those sound absurd? Yes? Good. So do you.
She was your closest friend until she had medical issues, huh? And to top that off, her controlling husband is getting nasty in their divorce. So, who exactly, does she have as friends? Someone more compassionate than you are, I hope.
The real answer is that you should get over yourself, offer her assistance with planning transportation in advance, and finding out what concessions would make it easiest for her to be in the wedding - an escort down the aisle, a chair (find a tall, minimal "barstool" type chair and it will be less noticeable that she's sitting), no aisle runner to trip over, etc.
However - if you don't see my point of view and think I'm a meanie, please PLEASE go on and kick her out of the wedding, swiftly. Because that will surely end your "friendship" and she doesn't need enemies like you, much less friends.
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She can use a wheelchair or walker or person to help her get down the aisle, sit on the front row or even in a chair up in the front with the rest of the bridal party. Make her own arrangements to get home. Doesn't seem complicated enough for a 3 paragraph question.
One of my sisters was born with spina bifida. She passed away as a child, but had she lived, she would have been confined to a wheelchair her entire life. I would have given anything to have her wheel down the aisle instead of having a candle on the altar in her memory.
Sadly, you come off horribly here. Your friend was injured and ill. I'd imagine that if it were my close friend, her physically being able to show up to the wedding would be the best thing in the world. I don't care if she can walk down the aisle, someone had to carry her, or she didn't even come down the aisle. Her there, sitting there, and being with us that day would be enough.
Why is this not enough for you?
I'm really hoping you're asking for advice because you want your friend to be able to attend the wedding and be comfortable while participating in the wedding party, because your post isn't coming across that way.
Pretend that YOU were going through all of these things for a moment. It would be so hurtful for a "friend" to express that she is embarrassed of you and your disabilitiy. I really hope you take PP to heart, and do what you can to accomodate your friend.
You asked you friend thinking she would improve a lot, and tried to give her an out in the hopes that she would back out if she didn't. You consider this to be "the best intentions." You now don't consider her improved enough for your wedding in 3 months and are upset that she isn't taking the out because she has trouble walking and can't drive and is on medication. You think this affects her ability to be a BM.
Easy answer: it doesn't.
What is wrong with her walking down the aisle with a walker or with assistance? It really sounds like you're unhappy that it might "look wrong" and that's messed up. Her walking down the aisle is not her using your wedding to make a "statement" - it's her doing her best to stand up for you (literally or figuratively) on your wedding day. That's something you asked her to do.
I don't see what your issue is. It can't be that hard to arrange for transportation for her to and from the wedding. You don't have to personally drop her off and pick her up for this. However she gets down the aisle is fine. You can have a chair up front or have her sit in the front row or even stand if she feels she is capable. It should be up to her.
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It comes across as so sad if you re-read your post. I can understand being stressed about the wedding but your BM is going through some horrific stuff right now and you really do need to be supportive friend regardless of your wedding.
So now talk to her and see what you can do to make her comfortable - but remember that if she's your good friend, you're going treat her with the utmost respect that she deserves.
If you read my post you will see there is no meaness what so ever (though the other ladies have every right to criticize your OPing statement.
I didn't go into full detail because I didn't want to ramble on any more than I already had done. I love my friend and for any one to say otherwise is just untrue. I am the ONLY friend that takes her and picks her up from therapy, gets her out of the house to do "normal" things like go to dinner/lunch or the movies. I even planned a benefit for her. If I was ashamed of her I would not do these things or always try to include her.
I may not know exactly how she feels you are correct. I can only imagine though and believe me it really upsets me. That is why I try really hard to make her feel like she hasn't changed. The fact of the matter is she has and she is in a stage of denial and there ARE some things she cannot do. I said yes SOMETIMES she can walk with a walker. That would be GREAT! but what I didn't say before is that alot of times she cannot... WHY? well like I said she takes medication. What I didn't say is that she takes more than she is prescribed which has become a problem and is most often incoherent and completely out of it. Have any of you ever had to deal with someone addicted to pain killers? Much less a disabled person on pain killers that is completely out of it and becomes angry and combative because of it.
Please don't judge me before you know the whole story. My grandmother was a morbidly obese/diabetic/invalid my entire life. In fact when we would go in public she too would use a walker. I was never once ashamed to be with her and like many of you said above I would do ANYTHING to have her here today and see me get married and stand with me or to have been there when my child was born.
All I wanted to know was how to handle asking my BM to sit instead of walk and to make arrangements for her the day of the wedding. Yes you would think she would make those arrangements but she won't. She never does because she always depends on one of us to take care of her. This is normally not a problem at all but the day of the wedding I will not be able to. She does know what she is capable of but the problem is she won't admit to it and I wanted to go about it nicely because the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings BECAUSE I DO CARE ABOUT HER.
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Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
Tried to keep it short but this isn't just black and white. Myself and several of her friends including one who is a nurse have tried to talk to her and it was not pretty. Her family isn't much help in this circumstance either. This is making her divorce very nasty because her husband does not think she is capable of taking care of herself much less their 2 small children. That is why I brought that up before (someone was asking). Sadly we agree but are torn between her children's best interest and hurting her feelings. As a mother myself I cannot imagine ever feeling like I couldn't take care of my child and to have to fight to keep them and feel incapable of taking care of them.
Thanks for your actual suggestions since that is what I asked for in the beginning.
[QUOTE]Iwell like I said she takes medication. What I didn't say is that she takes more than she is prescribed which has become a problem and is most often incoherent and completely out of it. Have any of you ever had to deal with someone addicted to pain killers? Much less a disabled person on pain killers that is completely out of it and becomes angry and combative because of it. Please don't judge me before you know the whole story.
Posted by JanieD10[/QUOTE]
Thank you for coming back and clarifying. I apologize if my previous reactions came across as a bit harsh. A lot of this really hits home for me.
I quoted your above statement because I, too, was addicted to painkillers a few years ago. So yes, I can absolutely understand what it's like. Your friends needs counseling, immediately. Painkillers won't just ruin her mind and disposition, they'll eventually ruin her liver and break down the rest of her body. Please do not give up on her. She needs help, and a loving, supportive friend, and it sounds like you're willing to give her that.
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I don't know that I have any other suggestions aside from what has already been said. Good luck to you and your friend. Hopefully you guys can get her the help that she needs.
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