Wedding Etiquette Forum

My cousin is getting married the day after me. WWYD?

Before I get flamed, I swear this is not a steal my thunder post.

Long story short, my cousin and his fiance have set their date for the day after my wedding.  Last week he called me to ask me when I was leaving on my honeymoon.  I told him we have it booked and we're leaving the day after my wedding. 

Today I heard via my other cousin that they have set their date for the day after my wedding, contrary to the wishes of my aunt and uncle.

I'm very torn. It's my cousin. OF COURSE I want to be at his wedding, however I can't help be sad that I'm not getting a honeymoon, and be SLIGHTLY annoyed that they didn't chose another weekend. I would much rather have them get married the week or even day before. However, I know that's selfish because it's their day.

My thought is, my cousin obviously knows when I'm leaving, so therefore does he really care if I'm there or not? 

I have no idea what to do. I'll be so upset if I miss his wedding, but I will also be upset (as will fiance) if we cancel our honeymoon.

What would you guys do? Will I look like a bitch if I don't go to his wedding because I'm off galavanting on a cruise? 

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.
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Re: My cousin is getting married the day after me. WWYD?

  • Don't cancel. You won't look like a bitch. You have reasons for taking your honeymoon then.
  • I'd say that if he knows that you're leaving the day of his wedding and still doesn't want to change it, then he doesn't really expect you to be there. You can always have someone bring them a gift for you as well with your warm wishes.
  • Well, he obviously is aware that you can't make it since he asked you already.  So I can definitely understand being upset that he picked that date.  But perhaps there are other reasons he chose that date, like other people can only do that weekend or something.  And not to sound rude, but I have a lot of cousins so I wouldn't be planning my wedding around whether one of them could attend.  I actually had one cousin who couldn't attend because she lived out of state and had no choice but to move out of her apartment that weekend and into a new one.  I was upset but understood.  It is near impossible to find a date that works for everyone, so you pick one that works for the most important involved.  And if you have a lot of OOT family, maybe he figured he would make it easier on them for travel.  But I definitely understand your being upset.

    Your options are either accept that you can't go, or change your honeymoon.  To me a honeymoon just isn't that important to go on right away.  I still haven't gone on one, and am hopefully going in May, but who knows now because of deployment schedules.  It's not "now or never," you definitely can wait, and many people do.  So just weight your options on what is more important to you; attending this cousin's wedding, or going on your honeymoon right after your wedding.
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  • What a dumb move by your cousin! Did they do this because everyone would still be in town from your wedding? About how many guests from you wedding would be attending their wedding? I have never gone to back to back weddings, and back to back weddings for the same family would be very bizarre! Do not change your plans. He was well aware of them to begin with. 
  • I would keep your HM as planned.  Your cousin asked you when you were leaving and still planned it for that day.  I think had he said something to you like "I know you were planning on leaving for your HM that day, but it really is the ONLY day that works for both my family and my FI's family.  I completely understand if your travel plans can't be changed, but I would love to have you there" then I would encourage you to change your HM plans IF POSSIBLE.  But he didn't say that to you.  So I think it's ok if you can't make it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-getting-married-day-after-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5757d771-9af2-4b1c-9192-06dbdcedd410Post:6aa9e4c1-3b74-4842-b00d-a699b0cd6291">Re: My cousin is getting married the day after me. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd say that if he knows that you're leaving the day of his wedding and still doesn't want to change it,<strong> then he doesn't really expect you to be there</strong>. You can always have someone bring them a gift for you as well with your warm wishes.
    Posted by Caitlinmmk[/QUOTE]
    This doesn't mean, however, that he wouldn't like you to be there.  He called and asked your date - he was aware of it.  They chose to do the day after for whatever reason(s), and I'm 99% sure that it wasn't to slight you or make it so that you couldn't attend.  That happened to be the date that worked for them.  It sucks that it's the day after, but that just means that you'll have to miss it.  Don't feel guilty.  Send them your best wishes, and enjoy your cruise.
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  • Keep your honeymoon, you had that planed before they set the date. I'd be pretty upset if someone close to me booked their wedding the day I was leaving for my honeymoon. I'd feel like it wasn't important to them to have me there, it would be different if they booked their wedding not knowing about your honeymoon. However, you should talk to your cousin to confirm the actual date of his wedding, your other cousin could have made a mistake. It sounds like you guys are pretty close (since you're dabating canceling your honeymoon to go to his wedding). It could be a misunderstanding.
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  • edited December 2010
    Thanks for the responses. I'm really torn up. My cousin and I were so close growing up, he's actually like a brother to me. I feel so upset about possibly having to miss his wedding. Fiance and I are entertaining the idea of moving the honeymoon to December, and going away then so we can attend his wedding. Even if we did that though, it would still be a hassle, as their wedding is at 11am the next day, about an hour drive from where our wedding was then night before. 

    I don't know what the right answer is.
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  • Like a PP mentioned, have you confirmed with him that is his date?  You said you heard it from another cousin.

    Just have an open discussion with him if he does confirm that is the day.  I think there's no harm in telling him that you would love to attend, but you really are not sure if you can change your HM plans.

    (BTW, have you actually booked your HM yet?  Obviously it would be harder to change if you have booked it)
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  • If it makes you feel any better, I think it was Andy, whose cousin set his date for the SAME DAY as her wedding.  Her family had to chose which wedding to attend.
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  • It is obvious that you are torn between your honeymoon and their wedding. Anyone could tell you really want to be there. Out of ALLLLLL the days in a given year, and the following year, how could this one day be the ONLY day available for them? I am sorry they did not take you plans into consideration!
  • Yes, aMrs, that was Andy. 

    I would definitely call him and talk to him about it.  Find out if they actually did pick that date, and if things are already booked.  I'm sure he will explain to you his reasoning for picking that date too. 
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  • I think that's a total d*ck move on his part. I'd take the honeymoon. Honestly, he just told you how (un)important it is for you to be there by scheduling it for that day. I wouldn't change my plans in response to that.
  • Have you talked to your cousin about this? I think that's the first step. I know I'd be asking him why he choose that date? I'd also want to know if that date is set in stone. I have two brothers and I know neither one would ever get married without me there.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-getting-married-day-after-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5757d771-9af2-4b1c-9192-06dbdcedd410Post:69da04d3-3739-40c0-a1cc-0843c750909d">Re: My cousin is getting married the day after me. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you talked to your cousin about this? I think that's the first step. I know I'd be asking him why he choose that date? I'd also want to know if that date is set in stone. I have two brothers and I know neither one would ever get married without me there.
    Posted by snowflake350[/QUOTE]

    The difference though between cousins and siblings is huge in some families.  I have 15 first cousins alone, so I couldn't make sure they were all able to attend my wedding, but of course I made sure my brother could.
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  • OP said this cousin is like a brother to her. I have lots of cousins also, the ones I'm close with will be at my wedding, others that I'm not so close to I have invited but don't expect them to come ( they'd be coming from out of state)
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  • If your cruise is already booked would you lose money by cancelling it? I know one time I had to cancel a cruise and we lost about $500.
  • Keep your plans. Your cousin will get over it. He really should have known better than to expect you to change your HM plans for his recently announced wedding.
  • Keep your plans. If he knew what your plans were for the HM and all, then obviously they may have had conflicts or whatever with the other dates. Sometimes you just have to roll with things and make the best of them. At least you will have pictures to look at of his wedding.
  • I personally would not cancel. Had you not already booked and they hadn't asked about it and just planned their wedding, I could see holding off on booking a HM and going to theirs.

    But they didn't. It's booked AND they asked. I would go, send your regrets, and no one will think less of you for going on a honeymoon that was already planned and booked.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-getting-married-day-after-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5757d771-9af2-4b1c-9192-06dbdcedd410Post:fbc2ed9d-39f0-4235-873a-6b07ccb8351c">My cousin is getting married the day after me. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE] . My thought is, my cousin obviously knows when I'm leaving, so therefore does he really care if I'm there or not? 
    Posted by stellaella[/QUOTE]

    THis. It was a dumb move on his part and you shouldn't lose any sleep over it.  If he really cared about your being there, he would have picked another date. Go on your HM and have a great time!
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  • Stick with your plan....he knew your plans and to be completely honest how many people would be tired and worn out the day AFTER a wedding?  I'm surprised they opted for that since you don't have a lot of out of town guests.
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  • Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are a law student right? Are you trying to get married between the bar and your start date at a new firm? If so, I would go ahead and take your honeymoon because it will be a bitch to take vacation after you start and still meet your quota for billable hours. Also, depending on what kind of firm you work for, people might not be crazy about the new associate leaving for a week for a cruise. That sucks that your cousin chose that day, but oh well. That is on him, not you.
  • You definitely won't look like a bitch. You have been planning for this and he knew that when he scheduled his wedding then. I think he's pretty ridiculous for picking that date.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-getting-married-day-after-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5757d771-9af2-4b1c-9192-06dbdcedd410Post:42e72a05-da14-4330-8afb-aada4a798542">Re: My cousin is getting married the day after me. WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that's a total d*ck move on his part. I'd take the honeymoon. Honestly, he just told you how (un)important it is for you to be there by scheduling it for that day. I wouldn't change my plans in response to that.
    Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

    totally agree. go on your HM.  as PP said you can send a gift with someone, watch their wedding video with them when you get home, etc. 
  • keep your honeymoon!  If you have a small family, then they will know your reasons for not being there.  Like pp said, he asked when you were leaving, so of course he knew you wouldn't be there.  seriously why would someone in your immediate family schedule a wedding right after yours?
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