Sibling Attendent issues

hollywalz · April 2010

I am having a really hard time with my siblings right now, (sister, brother & sister-in-law) all have been asked to stand up for my F & I. We set our date in October, at the same time my daughter and I moved out of 1/2 of a duplex, my brother and sister-in-law were in the other 1/2. My sister had been living with me up until about a 1 1/2 years ago. As you can imagine we WERE really close. When I moved all he!! broke loose! I was told it was my fault they had to move, because they did not want new neighbors, and that I was making problems for everyone now. I still chose to ask them to be in our wedding, I wanted them there for me. Now I hear from mutual friends and our Mother they don't want to be in the wedding.

After looking at MANY dresses with my MOH & BM's(who showed up and gave their opinion) my F & I ordered the girls dresses back in February and told the girls when they would be in and the cost - $64, yes $64. My sis and SIL went shopping together, calling me to say they found dresses at Wal-mart for $11 on clearance that they felt would do just fine. I politly told them no thx and thought that was the end. March 6 we had a gathering for all of the BMs & GMs. The GMs were getting fitted and the BMs that had not yet tried on or paid for their dress could do so, (the 2 left were you know who!) They showed up 45 minutes late because they were out shopping and getting their hair done. My bro complained the whole time saying he was going to tear the sleeves off the tux if it wasn't a rental. Then complain to our Mother because I didn't spend enough time introducing them to everyone.

I keep getting one excuse after another as to why they have not yet gotten their dresses. It's usually money being the issue, yet they have money to go buy new furniture, cameras, video camera, treadmill, and now go on a 2 week vacation at the last minute!! Which my brother quit his job for! My sis has no told us she doesn't know when she'll have the money because she is moving - again spur of the moment decision!!

I have read the many posts on here about not kicking people out, and not replacing with others, but what more can I do?!?! They show no signs of wanting to be there for us, am I better off just letting them off the hook? Our entire wedding party is begging us to let them go, and we have 2 old friends, we just found again who are pleading with us to let them step in to replace my siblings - and they are/were friends with them. I want my siblings to be there, but I don't forsee this getting better and I don't want my wedding to be miserable for them, us or my other guests.

lalap69 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sibling-attendent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8e080b48-fe58-4128-94f1-3dbf65305190Post:97a621c5-a009-4bc9-be8c-54d6fb58a2d4">Sibling Attendent issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a really hard time with my siblings right now, (sister, brother & sister-in-law) all have been asked to stand up for my F & I. We set our date in October, at the same time my daughter and I moved out of 1/2 of a duplex, my brother and sister-in-law were in the other 1/2. My sister had been living with me up until about a 1 1/2 years ago. As you can imagine we WERE really close. When I moved all he!! broke loose! I was told it was my fault they had to move, because they did not want new neighbors, and that I was making problems for everyone now. I still chose to ask them to be in our wedding, I wanted them there for me. Now I hear from mutual friends and our Mother they don't want to be in the wedding. After looking at MANY dresses with my MOH & BM's(who showed up and gave their opinion) my F & I ordered the girls dresses back in February and told the girls when they would be in and the cost - $64, yes $64. My sis and SIL went shopping together, calling me to say they found dresses at Wal-mart for $11 on clearance that they felt would do just fine. I politly told them no thx and thought that was the end. March 6 we had a gathering for all of the BMs & GMs. The GMs were getting fitted and the BMs that had not yet tried on or paid for their dress could do so, (the 2 left were you know who!) They showed up 45 minutes late because they were out shopping and getting their hair done. My bro complained the whole time saying he was going to tear the sleeves off the tux if it wasn't a rental. Then complain to our Mother because I didn't spend enough time introducing them to everyone. I keep getting one excuse after another as to why they have not yet gotten their dresses. It's usually money being the issue, yet they have money to go buy new furniture, cameras, video camera, treadmill, and now go on a 2 week vacation at the last minute!! Which my brother quit his job for! My sis has no told us she doesn't know when she'll have the money because she is moving - again spur of the moment decision!! I have read the many posts on here about not kicking people out, and not replacing with others, but what more can I do?!?! They show no signs of wanting to be there for us, am I better off just letting them off the hook? Our entire wedding party is begging us to let them go, and we have 2 old friends, we just found again who are pleading with us to let them step in to replace my siblings - and they are/were friends with them. I want my siblings to be there, but I don't forsee this getting better and I don't want my wedding to be miserable for them, us or my other guests.
Posted by hollywalz[/QUOTE]
Wow, this is a mess.

No, you can't kick them out. It would only create more drama.

Give them a last date possible to buy the dresses by. (Did you ever discuss budget with them?) If they don't buy the dress they have removed themselves from the WP. If they do that, don't replace them.

Also, it's none of your business what they spend their money on.

blackfire5th · April 2010

No, you can't kick them out and your problems really don't sound all that bad. So they are not really into wedding stuff, no big deal. Some people aren't wedding people. Ditto PP, give them the last possible day to pick up the dress and if they don't have it for the wedding, then they have removed themselves.

Removing a bm is a friendship ending move. Removing a bm who is also a sibling will really make all_hell break loose.

If you really want these friends added, then add them. But leave your siblings they way they are and if they do drop out, don't replace them.

hollywalz · April 2010

I did give them a deadline last month and it has come and gone I have even said I would purchase the dress if they could pay me back. I think $64 is about as cheap as they are ever going to pay for a BM dress so as for a budget - I think it's well within anyones reach, and if they couldn't afford it maybe they should have given their opinion on the price or I don't know showed up when all the BMs got together to pick out the dresses in the first place instead of blowing me off. I realize it is none of my business where they spend their money, but when they are flaunting around to me and everyone else at our attendent fitting what they have bought and are then borrowing money because they can not pay their bills I think they make it public information for everyone.
I never said my "problems were all that bad" I was just looking for some advice. This has been a very hard time going from being very close to my siblings to being jilted at the time of my wedding!

mbcdefg · April 2010

If they have the information about when/where to order the dress, then just leave it alone. If they order the dress, they're in the wedding. If not, then they're not. Ditto for tuxes.

If you have offered to buy the dresses for them, then tell them, "If you want me to buy the dress for you, tell me by [date]. Otherwise the cost is on you." Then follow the advice in the first paragraph.

Don't kick them out. If they don't want to be in the wedding, they will drop out on their own.

blackfire5th · April 2010

Did you ask each bm privately what her budget was?

hollywalz · April 2010

I did not ask each one of them what their budget was - again that was the point of all of us picking out the dresses together, maybe they should have been there like they said they were going to be.

Did I mention to anyone these are MY SIBLINGS!!! I could not imagine saying or doing any of this to them, and I truely wonder how many of you giving me "bridezilla" advice have even thought about putting yourself in my shoes for just 5 seconds to think about how YOU would feel if this was happening to you. I guess I thought that was what this posting section was about. I wasn't on here to start arguing with strangers, I was looking for advice not cheap digs!

hollywalz · April 2010

The cheap dig I was referring to was the bridezilla remark, because yes, it is about my fiance and I, it's our wedding. If it weren't for us getting married then no one would be getting together anyway. If you truely knew me, you would know I am the farthest thing from a bridezilla. I only wish you could here me say this and not have to read a typed message when I say I have literally tried everything I can think of to accomodate them. I have offer to drive them, pay for the dress for them, gave them more time then the store was going to give us by buying their dresses for them and letting them pay me back when it is possible for them. And no I did not discuss a budget with them because I could never get a hold of them or get a response back. Is this out of their nature? To other people , no, but to each other this has never been the way we have treated each other. Heck, I threw my bro & SIL's wedding for them at me house because they wanted to get married and didn't have a place to accomidate their relious beliefs. I do not agree w/ their beliefs, but put my own aside because it was THEIR day, they deserved the spot light. I wanted their day to be as perfect as they wanted, just like I hope they feel about my wedding.

And really it's not just about the dresses I just want them to be there for me a little more, maybe help out, and not make themselves look like idiots by making the comments they are making. No, not everyone is a wedding person, but you don't need to make comments about ripping off the sleeves of you tux, not showing up for anything and threatening to shove the best man's arm down his throat just because he said "hi, how are you doing"

I have decided the best thing I can do is to return their dresses, and see if they come to me, if they don't then I guess they made the choice for me.

lalap69 · April 2010

Look, I get that your situation sucks, but what do you want to hear? That you should just kick 'em all out of your WP? Because you can't do that. They're not here. I can't tell them to fix their behaviour. All I can do is tell you what you can possibly do to fix this, which is what I did. There were no cheap digs.

You wanted to know how to handle this, we told you how to handle it. Does it change the fact that it's a crappy situation? No. Is there a better way? Not that I can think of.

Stage explained why asking for their budgets privately is important. And even if they're bragging about things they're buying it's STILL none of your business. Really.

You can either be a baby about this and whine about us being mean or you can consider our advice and benefit from it. Your choice. I really don't care what you do. I don't have a personal stake in your wedding or your life. Screw up your family relationships for all I care. But if you ask for advice, you need to be prepared to hear it.

lalap69 · April 2010

Let me clarify based on your last comment:
You have already purchased their dresses for them and are now waiting for them to pay you back and they're making excuses not to, so you want to return the dresses and see what they do?

If you return the dresses now, it will almost certainly be seen as kicking them out. I really don't think you should have bought the dresses for them if you weren't willing to BUY the dresses for them.

As for your brother's comments on ripping off the arms of the tux, are they rentals or are they purchasing? I thought you said he said he'd do that only if they were purchasing, in which case you can say "I don't care what you do with your suit AFTER the wedding, but for the wedding I need your tux intact. Thanks."

lalap69 · April 2010

Please quote where you were called a bridezilla bc I can't find it. Thanks.

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2010

I have a feeling OP is thinking your siggy quote was directed at her, Stage.

hollywalz · April 2010

I apologize, I took the quote at the end of your post as you calling me bridezilla.

hollywalz · April 2010

Thank you to all of you for your advice - we've decided to take it from here.

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