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Second Weddings
Disowned?!
I posted on here not long after I first joined about some wedding drama with my father not being sure he wanted to come to our wedding. Well...it turns out that there was a lot more to that than I was aware.
Friday, while I was at work, I got an email from my mother. I went ahead and opened it, assuming it was their travel plans, since the last time I had spoken to her, about a week ago, she had said they would both be there. Well...instead, it was a huge wall of text, barely coherent and without much punctuation. She went through everything I've done since age 14 that has upset her, many things I didn't even know she'd been holding a grudge about. At the end, she told me that she and my father were considering disowning me.
I was shocked to say the least, particularly since I'd been on the phone with her only a week before, happily discussing the kids and recipes.
There's obviously a lot of details I'm leaving out because they are very personal, but the main issue is that my FI and I are not the same religion that I was raised in and tensions about that have been brought to the surface by this wedding, even though it is a civil wedding, not a religious one. Although I have not been the same religion of them most of my adult life, I had no idea the extent to which this bothered them until now.
My response was just to tell her that I love her and Dad and that I'm sorry that they are hurting this way and that I am here when they are ready to talk. They have cut off communication since, not answering calls or emails. I can't help but think that she will one day regret so many of her hateful words and that they will regret missing our wedding. While I'm open to the idea of a relationship with them, I think it would have to change and have some serious boundaries for me to feel comfortable and safe.
I'm trying not to let all this dampen my happiness at planning our wedding. FI's parents will be there as well as our friends. I'm also thinking that my parents likely just need time to get over this.
The one thing that has helped is trying to keep a sense of humor. I thought up worse ways my mother could have told me that she was disowning me, bad as email is. She could have texted it, with a KTHXBAI at the end. She could have tweeted it to George Takai. She could have done a facebook status update and the entire family could have "liked" it. She could have sent a LOLcat or ended her email rant with a rickroll link.
My FI thinks it's more likely that my father refused to go to the wedding and, rather than just be up front about it, my mother was hoping to pick a fight with me by being hateful and then not have to feel guilty about skipping it.
Thoughts? Ideas for coping and not letting this get me down?
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Re: Disowned?!
I am a parent. What your mother did is inexcusable, and although you are trying to make sense of it, or justify it someway, it is abuse and I could not imagine getting past it. How you choose to handle it in the future is your business. If it were me (and I can't imagine any parent doing what she did), I'd lay low and stop trying to get an answer. Leave it for now.
I know it is hard to compartmentalize what happened, but focus on your wedding. I also would recommend if you are not currently getting any type of professional counseling, you consider it. You don't need to make sense of what her diatribe was about, just learn how to handle it for yourself and your future relationship with your fiance, other family members and your friends. Life is long, and this type of incident needs to be talked about with a professional.
Good luck.
Unfortunately, some people are not good to have in our lives, and sometimes those people are relatives. I feel strongly that those folks are here to teach us something, but sometimes we've learned that lesson and now we have to move on. If your parents choose to be this way, you can't unchoose for them. Yes, I believe they will regret this, but it will be THEIR lesson to learn. You can't learn it for them.
Have I told you about the time I "fired" my sisters? LOL. They've since been re-hired, but still. . .
I well understand wanting to think your family is healthier than they really are, especially moms. I hope one day they can be and you can have a better relationship with them.
I think your fiance is lucky to have you! Keep your chin up!!!
((((HUGS!)))) Sometimes our family by blood make things harder rather than easier. The ladies have offered so great suggestions and I think you handled it all rather well.
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I would be a puddle of emotional goo! Humor is definitely a great tool! However, I would dig up that old therapist's number - just to have on hand in case.