He wants to elope.

AshnRobo · May 2012

My FI just text me and said he wants to elope.

I want a wedding.

We've already booked a bunch of things that would still need to be paid for. I've already bought a dress. I've put a lot of time and effort into this whole process. Not to mention the emotional investment, and now he wants to elope.

He says it will be easier and cheaper.

Maybe for him, but not me. I'd still have to pay for everything like I said. Plus, I'll have to explain to everyone that asks. He wouldn't have to deal with any of that. His friends will be like what happened and he will say I convinced her to elope. End of story.

Not me, people will ask why and won't accept "he wanted to" as an excuse. I'm assuming. I don't know. I do know though I will regret not having a wedding.

Where is the room for comprimise?

I can't make the budget any tighter. I'm going as tight as I can. I mean I got the food down to $3.61 per person. How much cheaper can I go?

QueerFemme · May 2012

first... just breathe. Second, talk to your fiance when you can, in person and not via text and say "I really want this wedding. And, I will regret not having it. I hope you can get on board with that". And ask him, specifically "why do you want to elope". The "it will be easier' answer isn't good enough... he needs to give you specifics. Just have a calm, honest conversation and express why it's important to you... and go from there.

But, breathe.... and try to relax.

cronin85 · May 2012

Me and my FI had this exact conversation! At first he tried the "it will be easier" excuse after a while I finally got the truth from him... he was concerned about how stressed out I was getting with tthe planning and also, he was getting scared about being up at the alter in front of everyone, the first dance, cake cutting etc; he doesnt like to be the center of attention. I feel the same as you and I will regret not having a big wedding (even though sometimes I feel the need to elope as well lol). We ARE still having a big wedding but we made compromises so I could try to calm his nerves.

I agree with PP dont panic, you need to have a conversation with him face to face. Everything will work out.

Nikki71 · May 2012

Some women want to elope... the wedding doesn't mean anything. It doesn't sound like you're that woman. He loves you and he needs to accept that you want this wedding. I agree, you just need to have an honest talk with him about all of this.

AshnRobo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:91fe9b5c-322e-4b21-acc6-d4a6b967b1f8">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]first... just breathe. Second, talk to your fiance when you can, in person and not via text and say "I really want this wedding. And, I will regret not having it. I hope you can get on board with that". And ask him, specifically "why do you want to elope". The "it will be easier' answer isn't good enough... he needs to give you specifics. Just have a calm, honest conversation and express why it's important to you... and go from there. But, breathe.... and try to relax.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I honestly think its because his mom called yesterday and said she isn't coming. If she doesn't come, his siblings won't come. That is his entire family.

She gave a BS reason about how she has to start paying student loans or they will garnish her wages. She says it came out of no where and she wasn't expecting it, but I don't buy that. Not for a second. He does, but I'm not sure if he does b/c he doesn't want to see the truth or he really doesn't think she is lying.

AshnRobo · May 2012

I mean, I get why he wants them there. I think it is beyond shitty that they aren't going to be there, but why should I have to suffer b/c they are being awful?

Does it make me bratty to feel that way?

Trins · May 2012

I don't understand why she wouldn't go. Having to pay for loans isn't an excuse - all she has to do is show up?!?!?!

Regardless, out of FI and myself, I was the one who wanted to elope and he wanted the big wedding (big as in only 125 people hahaha not super big) in the end I knew he would regret it more then I would about not eloping. I think he should understand that - I had to suck it up and give in So you need to sit down and talk to him and explain how your feeling.

Sidenote - congrats to you for getting your food down to $4!!!!! Man I wish Is there a way to cut down on anything else to allieviate costs? Guest list, extras that aren't necessarily THAT important?

Good luck!!!!

AshnRobo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:c3ed846f-af70-4b84-af0b-95b00d342eb0">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why she wouldn't go. Having to pay for loans isn't an excuse - <strong>all she has to do is show up?!?!?! </strong>Regardless, out of FI and myself, I was the one who wanted to elope and he wanted the big wedding (big as in only 125 people hahaha not super big) in the end I knew he would regret it more then I would about not eloping. I think he should understand that - I had to suck it up and give in :) So you need to sit down and talk to him and explain how your feeling. Sidenote - congrats to you for getting your food down to $4!!!!! Man I wish :) Is there a way to cut down on anything else to allieviate costs? Guest list, extras that aren't necessarily THAT important? Good luck!!!!
Posted by Trins[/QUOTE]

They live in Washington state and we live in Oklahoma. So the travel expense is her excuse. We would let her stay with us, but she is apparently allergic to cats. I'm not getting rid of my cat for her.

Trins · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:52ed9b90-4ce1-4227-a2fa-db51aa1e6171">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He wants to elope. : They live in Washington state and we live in Oklahoma. So the travel expense is her excuse. We would let her stay with us, but she is apparently allergic to cats. I'm not getting rid of my cat for her.
Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

Granted she has to travel - but really what parent wouldn't for their child's wedding. I don't know - In my opinion she sounds like a not very nice lady! Sorry your going through this!

jessa1228 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:52ed9b90-4ce1-4227-a2fa-db51aa1e6171">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He wants to elope. : They live in Washington state and we live in Oklahoma. So the travel expense is her excuse. We would let her stay with us, but she is apparently allergic to cats. I'm not getting rid of my cat for her.
Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

<div>If money truly is the issue here, is it within your budget to pay for (or at least contribute to) their travel expenses?</div>

doublenn · May 2012

This isn't a text conversation. I recommend you sit down and talk this out. It's definitely not bratty of you to want a wedding, and to not want to elope, however, I wouldn't rub it in his face too much that you know the reason he doesn't want to have a wedding is because his family is shiiity or lying, or whatever (not that you were planning on it, but I'd say be extra kind, if he's hurting).

Honestly, you have stuff planned, you agreed to have a wedding before. If eloping is what you wanted, you would've chosen that before you started planning! I wouldn't back down and compromise on this. (I actually had the reverse conversation a few times with my fiance. Each time he reminded me that I actually do want the wedding and the party, even if in the meantime it's a bit painful - costs and stress)

CowgirlK39 · May 2012

I second PPs who say this needs to be talked about IRL, but I recall you saying he had a job opportunity out of state, so maybe he isn't there with you right now? Regardless, find a good quiet time to talk about this. It probably seems pointless to him right now because of the really lame excuse his mom gave, but be fair and hear him out. Really hear him out and, as Cronin said, you may find out there are more reasons than "its easier."

Everytime I start thinking about eloping, I think about FIL's wedding "pictures." They had no money so they just got married in a park with the JOP and parents and siblings. FI's aunt took pictures with her regular camera, and those count as their wedding pics. While that is what some people want, and that's totally okay, it makes me realize I do NOT want that. Also, at this point, as you stated above, there is too much already invested to go back. If he thinks it would be easier, remind hjim of all the money you will lose in deposits and wasted purchases.

AshnRobo · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:07f07f82-bb8b-4d88-97ed-11618777f85e">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He wants to elope. : Granted she has to travel <strong>- but really what parent wouldn't for their child's wedding. </strong>I don't know - In my opinion she sounds like a not very nice lady! Sorry your going through this!
Posted by Trins[/QUOTE]

I completely and fully agree. Plus, it isn't like we sprung the wedding on her out of nowhere. We've been engaged for over two years!! We've also already changed the date for her once.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:b3b66338-0e1f-43aa-abcc-42f48cbb5452">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He wants to elope. : If money truly is the issue here, is it within your budget to pay for (or at least contribute to) their travel expenses?
Posted by jessa1228[/QUOTE]

No, unfortunately it isn't something we could swing. I'm using 100% of my income to fund the wedding and we are just going to barely pay for it. He is using 100% of his income to support us.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_he-wants-to-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:c26c7175-b013-4d6b-bfb3-eeb259d92827Post:89979dd3-ab0b-4e7f-95c4-3f2be9b413e2">Re: He wants to elope.</a>:
[QUOTE]I second PPs who say this needs to be talked about IRL, but I recall you saying he had a job opportunity out of state, so maybe he isn't there with you right now? Regardless, find a good quiet time to talk about this. It probably seems pointless to him right now because of the really lame excuse his mom gave, but be fair and hear him out. Really hear him out and, as Cronin said, you may find out there are more reasons than "its easier." Everytime I start thinking about eloping, I think about FIL's wedding "pictures." They had no money so they just got married in a park with the JOP and parents and siblings. FI's aunt took pictures with her regular camera, and those count as their wedding pics. While that is what some people want, and that's totally okay, it makes me realize I do NOT want that. Also, at this point, as you stated above, there is too much already invested to go back. If he thinks it would be easier, remind hjim of all the money you will lose in deposits and wasted purchases.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

Thanks, he is still here. We aren't sure when he is leaving yet which kind of sucks. However, I did use that fact to help ease him. I reminded him he will likely be with his family for the three months prior to the wedding. That he misses them now, but it won't be the same after he's been living there. I said it will suck that they won't make it, but he won't be so heartbroken about not spending time with them b/c he will be doing that before.

He wants to elope.

Re: He wants to elope.

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