Bridesmaid won't change plans to attend my wedding- do I reschedule?

amysuharper · March 2010

I just got engaged February 14. Two of my bridesmaids came to visit me a week later and I told them my wedding date would be sometime this September. One of my bridesmaids then said there were 2 weekends in September that she can't attend the wedding because her husband is running marathons. The 2 weekends she can't attend are the two weekends that are available for the venue I want to get married in. I have since told her this and she is saying that she can't attend then because of the marathons. I don't want to push my wedding to the last weekend in September (its my fiance's birthday) or into October because I live in Colorado and it could snow by then (outdoor ceremony).

I'm frustrated because he does marathons several times, every year, and this is my only wedding. We've been friends for over 15 years, so I want her to be in it, but shouldn't she be trying to change her schedule to attend my wedding, instead of me changing my wedding because of marathons?

stina93446 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-wont-change-plans-attend-wedding-reschedule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a393d0a-0071-4e8c-ad36-b1cef73722e6Post:81845c0f-570c-4bec-98cd-568e8dceb493">Bridesmaid won't change plans to attend my wedding- do I reschedule?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got engaged February 14. Two of my bridesmaids came to visit me a week later and I told them my wedding date would be sometime this September. One of my bridesmaids then said there were 2 weekends in September that she can't attend the wedding because her husband is running marathons. The 2 weekends she can't attend are the two weekends that are available for the venue I want to get married in. I have since told her this and she is saying that she can't attend then because of the marathons. I don't want to push my wedding to the last weekend in September (its my fiance's birthday) or into October because I live in Colorado and it could snow by then (outdoor ceremony). I'm frustrated because he does marathons several times, every year, and this is my only wedding. We've been friends for over 15 years, so I want her to be in it, <strong>but shouldn't she be trying to change her schedule to attend my wedding, instead of me changing my wedding because of marathons?</strong>
Posted by amysuharper[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, your wedding is more important to you than her. Not that she doesn't CARE about your wedding, but her husband always tops you.</div><div>
</div><div>You need to let it go. She told you her choice: her husband's marathon, even before you picked your exact date. Just tell her that you'll put her in the program as an honorary bm. There's nothing you can do about this.

</div>

AdeleDazeem · March 2010

No, I think you are expecting a little too much from her. She already had plans those weekends and it's her choice not to change them. If you start looking at this from a "wow, my friend doesn't care about me because she won't change her plans," I think you're going to end up very dissappointed.

If she can't come, then she's an honorary bridesmaid. She's there in spirit.

But, don't write "supporting us in spirit" in the program... this happened to fiance for a wedding he couldn't attend and everyone thought he had died...

mbcdefg · March 2010

Honestly, I think the marathon excuse is pretty crappy, barring special circumstances.

But she's made her choice, so you can either change the date if you *really* want her there, or you can just accept that she won't be there. I personally wouldn't bend over backwards to change the date if I were in your shoes. Just wish her well and go on with the plans.

BUT, don't count her completely out until you've signed the contract for your venue(s) (both ceremony and reception, if you want separate locations) and handed in your deposits. Your date is not set in stone until the contracts and deposits are done with. A lot could happen before you do that ... you might change your mind and pick another venue, or another couple might book your desired weekends before you do, etc.

lalap69 · March 2010

Do you reschedule? I guess that depends on how badly you want her there. If it's important enough to you, then yes, reschedule. What about the last weekend in August?

But if you think that trying to reschedule will be more hassle than it's worth, you're certainly under no obligation. She's told you her choice, now you get to make your own choice.

I think it sucks that she's willing to miss your wedding, but that's how life happens sometimes, and no one is ever going to care about your wedding as much as you do.

And then ditto malphabet on the booking of the venue(s).

CTGirl30 · March 2010

The marathon conflicts are sucky - and I can see why you'd be disappointed if she chose not to attend your wedding because of that. With that said, I'm sure she'd also rather be able to attend your wedding on a date when her husband could be there, too....and if he's running in a marathon and she's chosen to go support him at that then she's letting you know her choice.

Sometimes it's tough choosing a wedding date since there are almost always conflicts - for example, we chose a May 22 date and it also happened to be the date our friends' son will be graduating college so they won't make it (not that we knew that at the time but it just worked out that way and late May can be tough for graduations & semesters ending, etc). No one date will be perfect for everyone and we choose May 22nd since we didn't want the wknd before (Mother's Day wknd) or the weekend after (Memorial Day - people travel) and it worked best for us for a number of reasons. Choose what works best for you and your fiance in the big picture (sounds like you have a few factors you are already considering - FI's birthday, weather in CO, etc).

Once you have your venue date set in stone and deposits sent in, then you can take it from there. You could still ask her to be a BM and honor her as such in the program if she doesn't end up being able to attend the wedding. But I can also see why you'd be disappointed if that ends up being the case.

tidetravel · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-wont-change-plans-attend-wedding-reschedule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a393d0a-0071-4e8c-ad36-b1cef73722e6Post:97d9e865-7a51-4e3e-905b-71a3fba06e2a">Re: Bridesmaid won't change plans to attend my wedding- do I reschedule?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a chance it can snow in Colorado on 9/26, so although it is the day after his birthday, I still would rather not have my wedding on 9/26.
Posted by amysuharper[/QUOTE]

Technically there is a chance that it could rain/snow ANYTIME, especially in the mountains, and you should have a contingency plan in place.

Check the farmer's almanac for this year. It may give you an idea of what the weather system will like where you live. Obviously, it's not 100%, but I used it to help choose my wedding date and the date of 2 of my friends - 3 beautiful days out of 3!

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Then you have to accept that on 9/26 the BM will not be able to attend.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

It's your call. It seems like I would choose a wedding over a marathon, but if he's already scheduled them 7 months in advance, it must be something really important to them. In any event, you can't make her change her plans. You can decide to do it without her or choose another weekend. It's your choice.

suz62984 · March 2010

No she doesn't have to change her plans. If you want the venue then you should just put her in as a honorary BM like Stina said. This is just one of those things you will have to let go; she will not be in your WP unless you change the weekend.

My FI has 7 GMs. Not all could agree on a weekend (long story but there is literally 1 weekend in all of 2010 we could get married). One of the GMs will def. not be able to be a groomsman because he can't make it to the ceremony but he is still in the program and was honored to be asked to participate in the wedding.

banana468 · March 2010

I don't know what it means to have a spouse running a marathon so I can't comment on what it would mean for timing / his competition.

But she's telling you that her spouse comes first. Unless the marathon is rescheduled, I'm not sure how she would reschedule.

So you can either plan this without her or plan for a weekend she's available. Either option is more than understandable.

rotella · March 2010

Aren't marathons normally early morning? Is it going to take him ALLLL day to run?? I don't know anyone who can run that long. Anyways, perhaps they can just come to the reception for dinner and a few drinks. You can ask her to give a speech or something instead. I wouldn't change my date b/c a friend couldn't make it. A lot of women wouldn't. One of my closest friends is getting married a week after me and i'll be in mexico on my honeymoon still. But that was the day her hall had available and she wanted, so be it.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Unless the marathon is OOT, which most marathons are. My ex-BF's mom was a marathon runner and she'd travel all over the country for them.

stina93446 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-wont-change-plans-attend-wedding-reschedule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a393d0a-0071-4e8c-ad36-b1cef73722e6Post:260a80ad-4181-4c0c-81ec-5bd830017a27">Re: Bridesmaid won't change plans to attend my wedding- do I reschedule?</a>:
[QUOTE]Aren't marathons normally early morning? Is it going to take him ALLLL day to run?? <strong>I don't know anyone who can run that long.</strong>
Posted by rotella[/QUOTE]
Just because you don't know anyone who runs for a long period of time does not mean that it won't take a long time. Marathons are 26.2 miles. A good runner can finish them in 4-7 hours. After you finish, I am sure the last thing one wants to do is go to a wedding and dress up and party. <div>
</div><div>I had a friend who ran the NYC ING marathon and he was out for 3 days afterwards recooperating. His legs were completely sore. I also went out to eat at a restaurant that night and there were some runners there and they were CHOWING down like there was never going to be another meal again. Marathons are draining and are an all day if not all weekend thing. </div>

shoegal715 · March 2010

It sucks, but I applaud how open and honest she was from the beginning. If I were you, I would obviously be disappointed she wont be there, but I would really appreciate her honesty and openness.

It's much better than having a flaky bridesmaid who commits to the date in February, only to tell you in July or August that she can't come anymore.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

The Boston Marathon goes right past my house and it lasts all day. It's an invitation-only marathon to the best runners in the world. The best of the best can do it in 4 hours, but the mere mortals take much longer.

blackfire5th · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-wont-change-plans-attend-wedding-reschedule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a393d0a-0071-4e8c-ad36-b1cef73722e6Post:4defaba6-3955-4632-9c3f-d310ef16387b">Re: Bridesmaid won't change plans to attend my wedding- do I reschedule?</a>:
[QUOTE] I do have a contingency if it rains (doesn't snow in Colorado in September (wedding isn't in the mountains).
Posted by amysuharper[/QUOTE]

<div>Except for last year and this year has been really wet as well. I had a friend who was suppose to have sunny skies for her wedding day and it dumped a few inches on them. I think the first weekend of Sept. will be okay, but after that I would at least have an idea of where to get some space heaters if the need arises.</div><div>
</div><div>Where exactly are you getting married? I got married in the Loveland/Fort Collins area.</div>

kducharme · March 2010

I dont think you should change your date for ONE person. It sucks she won't be there, but she will be there for everything else leading up to the wedding.

HisCB · March 2010

what a great idea to check the farmers almanac for weather for all brides,
i checked farmers almanac and it costs money to get the extended forecast, but i found this site
http://theweatherwiz.com/iformhandler2PP.php
idk what city youre in but denver is:
9/12/10

High temp:
86 F, 30 C
Low temp:
52 F, 11 C

Mostly clear and warm

9/19

High temp:
66 F, 18 C
Low temp:
47 F, 8 C

Partly cloudy and unseasonably cool

9/26

High temp:
78 F, 25 C
Low temp:
29 F, -1 C

Mostly clear and warm

but the 24th there is chance of slight snow,..

High temp:
66 F, 18 C
Low temp:
47 F, 8 C

Partly cloudy and unseasonably cool

duckie1905 · March 2010

I am training for and running my first marathon in November. DH is missing a wedding for it. We've been planning on attending the marathon since January and found out about the wedding about a week ago.

I don't know if this is exclusive to me because I'm a first timer but it is really important that DH be there. Had the date not been set, the hotel not been booked, the training not started, that would've been different but DH had already committed to attending the marathon and being there to support me. I asked him if he wanted to go to the wedding and he told me that even though he does he feels that his commitment to support me in this endeavor was more important. I can't honestly say I wouldn't have been royally pissed at him if he had backed out of his promise to me and attended the wedding instead. Marathon training can be difficult and having someone there on race day is important to me-just as I'm sure it is important to your friend's husband.

You will never find a day that will work for everyone and she was very upfront and honest with you about the conflict. Does it suck? Yes. But the reality is if her husband needs or wants her there and she's committed to support him I find that to be more important (to her) than your wedding. I don't think the number of marathons he has run really impacts anything.

JHS16 · March 2010

If he's a religious marathoner, he should be able to run it in 2.5 - 4 hours. I ran my first marathon under 3.5 hours. And walked around for several hours afterward. They really aren't that bad if you train properly for them, and it sounds like he is. Not that it matters.....did I miss where the marathon is? It's likely in a big city, so the travel time might be the biggest issue for them, honestly.

EDIT: Oddly enough, marathons seem to be harder on men than women, so I guess my experience isn't a good indication of what his might be.

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