Bridesmaid duties

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:f628c0bc-ba2a-4c57-bc0b-033939f5a1d9">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Banana: Really? You think its completly ok for BM's to not bother showing up at all to the shower? By your pic it seems you are already married. Did your BM's blow your shower off? I guess that makes it ok in your book for guests to not bother showing up to your wedding without telling you too. Or maybe the BM's just decide to show up late or not at all to the wedding. Thats ok too? Maybe where Im from friendship means something else. My friends would never do that, nor would I to them. My friends are excited as hell for my wedding, as I was for them, and we are making the whole process fun. I have never in my life heard of BM's not giving a crap about the bride or making her day special.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Blueyed, I didn't say I thought it was OK for BMs to just now show up to the shower. However I don't think it's even remotely acceptable to "boot" a BM without being ready to end the friendship.

1) The shower isn't the wedding. The BMs aren't required to attend it.

2) If the BM says she'll attend and then no-shows, I agree that's not OK. However the way to deal with it isn't to say, "You didn't come to my shower and now you're out of the wedding." That's not dealing with any issues that may be at hand at all and in fact, it may only make any existing issues FAR worse.

3) If my BMs showed up late to the wedding of course I would have be irritated. THAT was their <strong>one</strong> requirement! However again, I'd hope that there were things going on that led the BM to act like that rather than to assume the BM was just flaky and not being there.

4) FWIW, one of my BMs didn't attend my bachelorette. Guess what? I was FINE with it.

Also, your comment "Maybe where I'm from, friendship means something else," is crass and off-putting. Where I'm from, friends do things for ther friends because they WANT to - not because they're being told that they have to by the bride.

That's just the biggest point here. My BMs did some fantastic things for me but I never asked them for any of it. They were great friends for doing those wonderful things but I did my best to be a great friend by not demanding anything of them.

That's my point. Friendship is a two way street and any time you feel like a friend is being demanding, it stops being fun and it stops being a friendship. Too often brides can get caught up in 'the day' and they can forget about the actual friendships they have as they focus on tasks.

deepcovejackie · January 2010

Blueeyed--You're wrong. And to state that you would boot a bridesmaid for missing a pre-wedding party "without a good excuse" is just, well, wrong.
Go back and re-read the posts that the other folks have done before you have issues with your own wedding party with your attitude.

OP listen to the advice posted by Banana and Brooke et al. In no way should your friends be treated as the unpaid staff. In no way should you "make" them stay and clean up. That's so wrong and ungracious.

Just because you guys are having weddings does not give each of you the right to behave as though you are the center of the earth.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

No worries! I was going to say, "Banana thinks I go to random websites to find lists of mandatory BM duties? Something is awry here..."

Although I bet I can find support for just about anything online. But that doesn't make it remotely right or true.

banana468 · January 2010

Exactly Brooke.

I can publish my own list of 'bridal duties' but that doesn't mean that I'll be right in them.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Banana, I'd totally refer to your list of BM duties because yours WOULD be right!

banana468 · January 2010

Thanks Brooke!

duckie1905 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:d3047a98-72a5-4a63-833a-685f48b50745">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Duckie, Like I said, Maybe OP is not as fortunate as you are and could not afford a wedding planner. Its easy to throw stones when you did not have the experience that she is having. Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness. I didn't have a wedding planner. I have been where she is, except I didn't expect anyone to do my work for me. I did all that crap myself. That's the whole point.

And no, none of my BMs were able to attend my shower and you know what? They are awesome friends, I love them, and I would never hold it against them for having to work, being busy, or plain just not wanting to attend. Showers are not fun for anyone but the bride and I understand that.

If a bride can't handle the wedding planning and work that is invovled and can't afford to hire help, then scale back. To be fair, I did have a very reasonably priced DOC that had nothing to do with any of the wedding crapy work, and I cut back on something else to be able to afford her.

The OPs BMs obviously have no interest in helping her, and she has no right ask them to do anything. Simple as that. You can wish and stomp and cry all you want but if they don't want to do something, they won't. Additionally, you won't have many friends if you prove to them that buying you gifts at showers, helping you clean your wedding hall afterwards, or demanding that you assist with mundane planning details means more than their friendship.

lisarose7 · January 2010

Did you make your expectations clear when you asked them each to be an attendant? If they've never been bridesmaids before, or attended a bride who asked very little of them, they may have no idea what you perceive their "duties" to be. As a BM I would always ask how I could help, but I do that for all my friends regardless of the situation. I've asked virtually nothing of my BMs except to order their dresses. I was surprised when my sister/MOH took it upon herself to organize the dress ordering process and call hotels in my area about reserving blocks of rooms (she lives 2000 miles away, as do many of our guests). You don't mention if you've asked any of these girls for help. Have you tried asking for help with specific tasks? Have you told them that you're feeling stressed about the amount of preparation you've had to do on your own? Unless they're psychic, they won't know unless you tell them.

Blueyed228 · February 2010

Duckie, you call it a DOC others call it a wedding planner. In fact you gave your planner an A on your ratings, and stated you hired her to take the stress off. So it looks like you did have help. And like I said, maybe OP isnt fortunate enough to afford that luxury.

I understand where you are coming from on how BM's would react if the OP was making helping mandatory, but if you read her post, she didnt ask them for a thing. SHe just said she was upset that they didnt offer to help. They also didnt come to her shower and didnt give her a reason. That is disappointing for a bride, to feel like no one cares enough to offer. Especially your friends.

OP may also have only been able to afford a reception venue that requires you to clean up after yourself. Unless you had your reception in a place like that, I dont think you should judge her for considering asking them to help.

And when it comes to the dresses, some brides have a vision of what they want their BM's to wear. Others prefer to let the girls pick out their own dress. I think they could at least follow her wishes on what dress to buy, since most of you think all they are supposed to do is show up and take pictures.

OP didnt stomp her feet or make any mandatory requirements. She just wanted them to show up at her shower, and not give her crap about the dresses. I really dont think that is much to ask. I think she is right to be upset that they are bully-ing her into getting different dresses. They dont sound like good friends to me.

Lisarose, I completly agree with you. I have always asked if the bride needs help. Its the classy thing to do.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:371787a8-350e-4352-ae10-416a2728ce0e">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE]Duckie, you call it a DOC others call it a wedding planner. In fact you gave your planner an A on your ratings, and stated you hired her to take the stress off. So it looks like you did have help. And like I said, maybe OP isnt fortunate enough to afford that luxury. I understand where you are coming from on how BM's would react if the OP was making helping mandatory, but if you read her post, she didnt ask them for a thing. SHe just said she was upset that they didnt offer to help. They also didnt come to her shower and didnt give her a reason. That is disappointing for a bride, to feel like no one cares enough to offer. Especially your friends. OP may also have only been able to afford a reception venue that requires you to clean up after yourself. Unless you had your reception in a place like that, I dont think you should judge her for considering asking them to help. And when it comes to the dresses, some brides have a vision of what they want their BM's to wear. Others prefer to let the girls pick out their own dress. I think they could at least follow her wishes on what dress to buy, since most of you think all they are supposed to do is show up and take pictures. OP didnt stomp her feet or make any mandatory requirements. She just wanted them to show up at her shower, and not give her crap about the dresses. I really dont think that is much to ask. I think she is right to be upset that they are bully-ing her into getting different dresses. They dont sound like good friends to me. Lisarose, I completly agree with you. I have always asked if the bride needs help. Its the classy thing to do.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>Okay...I'm going to try one last time with you before I give up.</div><div>
</div><div>All the HAVE to do is show up in the dress. Bare minimum responsibility. Any less and you can rightfully say they haven't fulfilled their duties as BMs, and only then can you rightfully be upset with them and call them out on it. If they do that but don't do anything else, you can rightfully be disappointed, but you cannot call them out on having failed to do something mandatory.</div><div>
</div><div>MOST BMs will do more if they can. But some can't. Mine couldn't come to my Wed afternoon shower because they took the prior Friday off to throw me a bach party and were taking the following Fri off for the wedding. All lived OOT and were either flying in or driving several hours to get there. Maybe OP's BMs are in the same situation--maybe they have work, maybe they're not local, maybe they don't have the money. </div><div>
</div><div>SOME BMs will not do more by choice. Sometimes this means they are bad friends and they were never good friends to begin with. Sometimes this means they just aren't into weddings and expecting otherwise was not realistic. But sometimes it means that the bride has pissed them off with demands (like expecting them to CLEAN UP the reception hall) and they choose to just do the bare minimum. I have a friend who got to this point with another friend's wedding. She was sick of being told she HAD to do things like decorate the hotel suite for the wedding night, let the bride pick out her rehearsal dress, made her buy a BM dress she hated, and wouldn't let her bring her BF (now FI) to the wedding. She would call me about it and it sounded awful. Had this friend sat back and not made demands, this friend would have gone above and beyond. But because the bride was so demanding, my friend basically said "Fluck it" and did the least she could just to get through it without b!tching the girl out on her wedding day.</div><div>
</div><div>I have never offered to help a friend plan her wedding, whether I was a BM or not. I have never been asked to do so by a bride. I don't think this makes me a bad friend. It did not make me a bad BM. The fact that I'm still close with all my BMs and the brides for whom I have been a BM should speak to that.</div><div>
</div><div>If your wedding day is hurting your friendships, it's time to step back and reevaluate priorities. Maybe you realize that you got caught up in the planning and forgot yourself. Maybe you realize that your friends were never very good friends to begin with and only now do you realize. And maybe you learn nothing and decide that "my day" is more important than "the rest of my life" and pay for it later.</div><div>
</div><div>Have you ever heard anyone say "I'm so glad I booted a BM for refusing to help plan" AFTER her wedding? Have you ever heard anyone say "I regret not making more demands"? Have you ever heard someone say "If I could do it all over again, I would have asked different girls who would help with the wedding chores"? I seriously doubt it. I HAVE heard the opposite: "I wish I hadn't stressed so much about the little things", "I wish I had enjoyed the day more", "I can't believe I treated my closest friends that way." I'm willing to bet that's the case for you, too.</div>

Blueyed228 · February 2010

Actually, the OP was asking what she should realistically and rightfully ask them to help her with. In her post she states:

I feel like the day of they're going to be next to me getting married with their dresses on and people are going to think they helped, how annoying! I'm in no way a bridezilla, i have not asked them to spend tons of money, or take weeks off of their life to help me, but I would like them to overcompensate the day and night of the wedding by actually helping me get things done. Is this acceptable? what are exact roles of bridesmaids besides looking good in pictures?

I never said she had the right to DEMAND that they do anything, but she certainly has the right to ask them for help, just as they have the right to decline helping. Its up to her to decide what to do with the friendships if they refuse. It sounds like she hasnt asked them for much, just to come to her shower (which they didnt) and get the dress that she likes (which they didnt).

I was defending the OP because some of you were crucifying her for things she hasnt done. She didnt demand that they stay and help clean up, she just asked our opinion on whether or not she SHOULD ask, and how to ask. I dont think she is wrong to ask for help with things. As long as she asks politely and doesnt expect them to do all of her dirty work, she is right to have the expectation that they will contribute in some way.

As for you saying:

Have you ever heard anyone say "I'm so glad I booted a BM for refusing to help plan" AFTER her wedding? Have you ever heard anyone say "I regret not making more demands"? Have you ever heard someone say "If I could do it all over again, I would have asked different girls who would help with the wedding chores"? I seriously doubt it. I HAVE heard the opposite: "I wish I hadn't stressed so much about the little things", "I wish I had enjoyed the day more", "I can't believe I treated my closest friends that way." I'm willing to bet that's the case for you, too.

First: My wedding isnt untill November so I have not asked anything of my bridesmaids (yet they have asked repeatedly what I need help with).

Second: Yes, I have heard of people asking BM's to step out of the role because they were being selfish and only concerned with themselves (making a big deal out of the dress, what groomsman they want to walk with, etc). Believe it or not, there are BM's out there that make their friends weddings super stressful by trying to make it all about them.

Third: Out of the brides that kicked the said BM's out, none of them regreted it.

I wasnt looking to argue with you about things, I think you just took what I was saying super personal. No bride makes it a point to hurt friendships over their wedding. Clearly no bride wants that. I just dont think that its out of line to hope for some type of support from your friends, emotional support at least. This poor girl isnt even getting that from hers. And thats a shitty feeling that no bride should have right before her wedding.

A sign of any good friend is showing support for each other during all times whether they be happy, fun, or stressful. A wedding is a big day in your friends life, you should want to help make it perfect for them.

banana468 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_bridesmaid-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:8e64437a-053d-44af-8c12-5d2d16b50dfbPost:124294e2-b63f-4ea9-bc55-5c97cec95db6">Re: Bridesmaid duties</a>:
[QUOTE] A sign of any good friend is showing support for each other during all times whether they be happy, fun, or stressful. A wedding is a big day in your friends life, you should want to help make it perfect for them.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Your first statement I totally agree with. Yes, a good friend is there for you.

The second - not so much. You want to be there for your friends. Making sure that her wedding is perfect isn't part of the deal. You can however be a good friend to the bride while SHE makes sure that her wedding is perfect.

And you're right. The OP did say this:

[QUOTE]but I would like them to overcompensate the day and night of the wedding by actually helping me get things done. Is this acceptable?[/QUOTE]

and the answer is NO. Well, she certainly can ask for help but she can't say, "Since I didn't ask you to do anything and you haven't done anything, I'd like you to make up for that by staying after and doing cleanup duty."

And yeah - if I were a BM, the answer to that would be a resounding no.

I also like how you didn't address the points I made in the previous post too....

bablingbrooke · February 2010

No, I did not take anything personally. It's just getting very frustrating trying to talk to you. So I give up. Go ahead and keep giving your "advice." We'll see if you still believe in all of this after you get married. You have no idea how much your perspective changes, and you will feel very silly about some of the things you posted.

acissej0786 · February 2010

The only thing I have to say is OMG... Do you know how many people would LOVE to plan their weddings by themselves. Just take a look at the rest of these threads and realize how lucky you are that you don't have to stress about having your mom mad at you for not having a traditional cake or having your FMIL and your mother hate each other.

Personally, I don't think I could have gotten everything done for my wedding without the help of my BM but I knew going in to the planning that they were available to help because I asked them. If they said they didn't have time I would have scaled back. Do yourself a favor and keep your friends because at this rate you won't have any left.

Bridesmaid duties

Re: Bridesmaid duties

Choose Another Board

Search Boards