You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)

zipis1 · September 2010

Also, planning a wedding will not take years and years even if you go into it not knowing a single thing. There are plenty of people I know, on here and off, that have planned their weddings in 8 months or less without having shopped around. The idea that it will take longer is just wedding industry hype because, as I previously stated, they want you to spend a lot of money. The more time you have, the more likely it is you'll buy more.

Also, the people who get frustrated and wish they would have just eloped are usually the ones with MORE time, not less. My friend was engaged just a little over a year. Within the first two months she had her dress, venue, menu, florist, DJ, tuxes, cake, etc., all planned out. She had absolutely nothing to do for almost a year because it didn't take that much time. However, all that downtime led to plenty of opportunities for other people to stick their noses in it and add their unwanted opinions, or only want to talk about her wedding. She became sick of it and wished she could take all her deposits back and just elope because it wasn't worth the drama and people pressuring her to do moremoremoremore because they thought she needed to.

And without that, the main point in which people get overwhelmed with it all is a month or so before the wedding over things that no amount of planning will fix. Things like family drama, RSVP issues, the florists having screwed up the flowers, etc. In my friend's case, her MIL ripped her dress.

So just calm down. None of this needs to be done this far in advance.

dreamlilly623 · September 2010

He's here on work visa for now and he'll be starting a residency. I like the idea of the timeline check-in. That's where we ultimately are. We plan on getting married, but the time is a little subject to change now. And yes, we contacted vendors to be a little more prepared (Heaven fobid!!! That apparently is the ultimate sin!)

But the idea of a check-in doesn't seem like I'm pressuring him, which I don't really want to do because he does have a lot going on. But I do want to make sure we are on the same page. I think just doing a check occassionally might be the best thing to keep us connected with where we're at and what one another is feeling regarding this. Thanks for you post lindsay! This is this kind of thing I was looking for. Someone who is going through something similiar and can offer advice.

lindsayrae1986 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:a0c99330-f45e-44e9-a6fd-b468b01aecd6">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]He's here on work visa for now and he'll be starting a residency. I like the idea of the timeline check-in. That's where we ultimately are. We plan on getting married, but the time is a little subject to change now. And yes, we contacted vendors to be a little more prepared (Heaven fobid!!! That apparently is the ultimate sin!) But the idea of a check-in doesn't seem like I'm pressuring him, which I don't really want to do because he does have a lot going on. But I do want to make sure we are on the same page. I think just doing a check occassionally might be the best thing to keep us connected with where we're at and what one another is feeling regarding this. Thanks for you post lindsay! This is this kind of thing I was looking for. Someone who is going through something similiar and can offer advice.
Posted by dreamlilly623[/QUOTE]

i'm glad i could help.

just another thought... if you do the check-in, and he still wants to wait, you're going to have to respect that if you want to be with him. it seems to me that he's wanting to the right thing... and that may mean that you guys have to wait another year or two. and that's okay. it should be a comfort to you that he wants to do the right thing, even when it's not the "fun" thing. relationships and marriage are all built on mutual respect and trust. sometimes you get your way, sometimes you compromise... and sometimes it's his way.

keep in mind that although it's a super exciting time in your life, you want to make sure that you're looking at the big picture... in the long run, it may be more beneficial to wait until all the immigration stuff is worked out. i can say that because people in my BF's family have dealt with marriage/immigration issues... and they get really messy really fast. it's stressful. it can make or break a marriage.

keep us updated. :) we love to hear success stories. ;)

marissa_claire · September 2010

Are you two on the same page at all? Seriously, you're looking up vendors and he easily might be thinking about engagement in a few years or something. And why do you have a deadline on this? That's just silly.

I know it's tough to be patient and girls usually know their man is the one before the guy does, however, girls also get all googly-eyed about wedding stuff so I think that makes sense.

As far as contacting vendors go, I don't think you've planned your wedding, but I don't think you are ready to get engaged if you can't see that these will be joint decisions. You have no reason to be calling them until you have a date. End of story.

I'm sure people are being harsh and it's not what you want to hear, but these are issues you should be discussing with your BF. You need to find out for one if you're even in the same place. If he's told you it's going to happen, then that's his way of telling you to be patient or you're going to ruin it. If you have barely talked about wedding stuff, or talked along the lines of "someday when we're married" then odds are it's not even on his radar.

In the meantime, no more talking to vendors. Tell them you'll talk to them next year when you have a date in mind.

amberiasoasis · September 2010

There's an awful lot of judgement going on here.

I think there's some basic, fundamental misunderstandings going on. It seems that everyone assumes that if there is no ring, the man is not ready yet. I may be wrong, but that seems to be indicated in a lot of postings. There are tons of reasons why the engagement might not be official yet. For the OP, her bf wants to be settled in a job and secure his visa (right? correct me if I'm wrong, please). In my case, I want to be out of school so that my parents don't freak out and I can really throw myself into the planning without distractions. Plus, it's just a milestone thing. Of course, there could be other factors in any particular case, but at least for me, I know my bf would have married me 2 years ago if I'd let him. It has nothing to do with either one of us not being ready, because we both are, it has to do with finding the right time to make it official (and he's really set on saving up enough to get me a really nice ring without making multiple payments). In the meantime, we want to be prepared and know what to expect when we begin setting things in stone for the big day. I had absolutely NO idea what to even guess that a wedding would cost. Since we will pay for it ourselves, we kind of need to know how much to be setting aside every paycheck. That's our big motivation, being prepared. I know people keep saying "it doesn't take that long" and that saying you wanted to be prepared is just a "cop out," but it's the truth. There's a lot of things to choose from, a lot of things to consider, and I'm just the kind of person that likes to take extra time with that. Maybe I won't need all the time, but I'd rather have too much than too little. Sorry. It has NOTHING to do with being impatient or immature or BSC as another thread so nicely put it (talk about being mature, huh?).

I think the gist of why I am bothered though is that this is a wedding board. It SHOULD be fun and happy and joyful. It shouldn't be about making others feel bad about themselves. If someone comes on here to ask for advice, they shouldn't have to worry about being judged. You can disagree with them all day long and think that you would never do anything like that, but you can still be helpful. Freaking out that someone contacts a vendor about pricing before becoming engaged isn't helpful. It IS possible to think, "ok, I think that's a little weird," and still give advice about what the poster is actually asking about. Not to mention, people are clearly replying without reading anything the OP says. You shouldn't have to say "my bf is on board with this" 25 times to get people to quit saying, "I can't believe you! You need to be on the same page with him!"

I suppose I was a little too optimistic with my expectations for this community, but I don't think I was wrong to feel that way. I was really excited about it and looking forward to getting involved, but this clearly isn't the place for me. Maybe if some of you ever genuinely have something you need advice on, only to be made fun of for it or judged for it, you'll understand. Until then, enjoy your clique. You're clearly better than us poor souls with bare fingers.

noelle24 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c130f59c-4c91-48ca-8a4c-a655a05a1980">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]There's an awful lot of judgement going on here. I think there's some basic, fundamental misunderstandings going on. It seems that everyone assumes that if there is no ring, the man is not ready yet. Not in every case. In a case where the woman feels a need to pressure the man, usually. Also, if you're waiting for a certain milestone or to be secure in a job first, I call that "NOT READY for marriage". I may be wrong, but that seems to be indicated in a lot of postings. There are tons of reasons why the engagement might not be official yet. For the OP, her bf wants to be settled in a job and secure his visa (right? correct me if I'm wrong, please). In my case, I want to be out of school so that my parents don't freak out and I can really throw myself into the planning without distractions. Plus, it's just a milestone thing. Of course, there could be other factors in any particular case, but at least for me, I know my bf would have married me 2 years ago if I'd let him. It has nothing to do with either one of us not being ready, because we both are, it has to do with finding the right time to make it official (and he's really set on saving up enough to get me a really nice ring without making multiple payments). In the meantime, we want to be prepared and know what to expect when we begin setting things in stone for the big day. I had absolutely NO idea what to even guess that a wedding would cost. Since we will pay for it ourselves, we kind of need to know how much to be setting aside every paycheck. That's our big motivation, being prepared. I know people keep saying "it doesn't take that long" and that saying you wanted to be prepared is just a "cop out," but it's the truth. There's a lot of things to choose from, a lot of things to consider, and I'm just the kind of person that likes to take extra time with that. It doesn't take that much time. Seriously. Unless you want a superfast, 2 month engagement, I can't think of a single reason why you would need to CALL up vendors. Online research, maybe. Contacting vendors? No. Maybe I won't need all the time, but I'd rather have too much than too little. Sorry. It has NOTHING to do with being impatient or immature or BSC as another thread so nicely put it (talk about being mature, huh?). I don't buy this 99% of the time someone says this. Could you be the 1%? Yeah, sure. Statistically is it likely? No.I think the gist of why I am bothered though is that this is a wedding board. It SHOULD be fun and happy and joyful. If you did like the intro stickies suggested, you'd LURK FIRST to get a feel of the board. You want puppies and rainbows? Try your local board, or a month board, or hell, even brides.com. That is not the type of board we have here. It's not going to change just because YOU showed up. It shouldn't be about making others feel bad about themselves. If someone comes on here to ask for advice, they shouldn't have to worry about being judged. You can disagree with them all day long and think that you would never do anything like that, but you can still be helpful. Freaking out that someone contacts a vendor about pricing before becoming engaged isn't helpful. It IS possible to think, "ok, I think that's a little weird," and still give advice about what the poster is actually asking about. I'm not going to give advice about how to do something, when I think that something is the absolute WRONG way to move forward. It's not my fault if you don't like my advice. Not to mention, people are clearly replying without reading anything the OP says. You shouldn't have to say "my bf is on board with this" 25 times to get people to quit saying, "I can't believe you! You need to be on the same page with him!" I suppose I was a little too optimistic with my expectations for this community, but I don't think I was wrong to feel that way. I was really excited about it and looking forward to getting involved, but this clearly isn't the place for me. Maybe if some of you ever genuinely have something you need advice on, only to be made fun of for it or judged for it, you'll understand. Until then, enjoy your clique. You're clearly better than us poor souls with bare fingers. You're absolutely right. I don't know about you, but I was born with this rock on my hand (my poor mother, that must have hurt like hell). No one here has ever in the history of EVER been where you are just a few short months or years ago. All the advice we're giving (that OP clearly doesn't want to hear) couldn't *possibly* be learned from experience. Gawd, what uppity biitches we are.
Posted by amberiasoasis[/QUOTE]

Ana_2985 · September 2010

Now I remember why I hardly come around here anymore.

1) There is no difference between "pre-planning" for one year plus post-engagement planning for one year and 2 years of plain, old post-engagement planning. I'm not even going to bother asking posters to explain the difference to me anymore because IT'S THE SAME. I don't care how much of a planner you are. Two years equals two years (or 2 months, 6 months, however long you take to pre-plan and plain-plan).

2) Go pick up a dictionary (or finish school before you consider getting married) so you can learn that, by definition, you can not be unofficially engaged. There is either an intention to get married, or there's not. I know how terrible and shameful this is, but if you're not "officially engaged" you're just DATING.

I have a big family, my FI and I are from different cultures, we're getting married out of the country, AND I'm not a pre-planner or a regular planner. And my wedding is going to be fucking fantastic.

Ana_2985 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c130f59c-4c91-48ca-8a4c-a655a05a1980">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE] You're clearly better than us poor souls with bare fingers.
Posted by amberiasoasis[/QUOTE]

Yep. In case my last post didn't make that clear- we totally are.

PaigeMcC · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c130f59c-4c91-48ca-8a4c-a655a05a1980">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]There's an awful lot of judgement going on here. I think there's some basic, fundamental misunderstandings going on. It seems that everyone assumes that if there is no ring, the man is not ready yet. I may be wrong, but that seems to be indicated in a lot of postings. There are tons of reasons why the engagement might not be official yet. For the OP, her bf wants to be settled in a job and secure his visa (right? correct me if I'm wrong, please). In my case, I want to be out of school so that my parents don't freak out and I can really throw myself into the planning without distractions. Plus, it's just a milestone thing. Of course, there could be other factors in any particular case, but at least for me, I know my bf would have married me 2 years ago if I'd let him. It has nothing to do with either one of us not being ready, because we both are, it has to do with finding the right time to make it official (and he's really set on saving up enough to get me a really nice ring without making multiple payments). In the meantime, we want to be prepared and know what to expect when we begin setting things in stone for the big day. I had absolutely NO idea what to even guess that a wedding would cost. Since we will pay for it ourselves, we kind of need to know how much to be setting aside every paycheck. That's our big motivation, being prepared. I know people keep saying "it doesn't take that long" and that saying you wanted to be prepared is just a "cop out," but it's the truth. There's a lot of things to choose from, a lot of things to consider, and I'm just the kind of person that likes to take extra time with that. Maybe I won't need all the time, but I'd rather have too much than too little. Sorry. It has NOTHING to do with being impatient or immature or BSC as another thread so nicely put it (talk about being mature, huh?). I think the gist of why I am bothered though is that this is a wedding board. It SHOULD be fun and happy and joyful.It shouldn't be about making others feel bad about themselves. If someone comes on here to ask for advice, they shouldn't have to worry about being judged. You can disagree with them all day long and think that you would never do anything like that, but you can still be helpful. Freaking out that someone contacts a vendor about pricing before becoming engaged isn't helpful. It IS possible to think, "ok, I think that's a little weird," and still give advice about what the poster is actually asking about. Not to mention, people are clearly replying without reading anything the OP says. You shouldn't have to say "my bf is on board with this" 25 times to get people to quit saying, "I can't believe you! You need to be on the same page with him!" I suppose I was a little too optimistic with my expectations for this community, but I don't think I was wrong to feel that way. I was really excited about it and looking forward to getting involved, but this clearly isn't the place for me. Maybe if some of you ever genuinely have something you need advice on, only to be made fun of for it or judged for it, you'll understand. Until then, enjoy your clique. You're clearly better than us poor souls with bare fingers.
Posted by amberiasoasis[/QUOTE]

So you obviously have only looked at a minimum amount of posts on here. The majority of our posts are fun. They are happy. But we are also honest. We're not here to blow rainbows up your butt.

People ask for advice and they have to be prepared to listen to that advice. Outsiders can often see things people in relationships can't, that's why people come ask random internet strangers questions. They want an un-biased opinion from people. When these un-biased outside observers notice other things they're going to point them out too. We're here to help, to give advice, why would we only give advice on one thing when there are several issues we see?

Andplusalso, people are going to be honest. It's the internet. If people can't handle honesty then maybe they should ask someone they KNOW.

Anyways, I think if you just believe we're all here to poop on people's parades then you should leave. You obviously don't see any of the fun we do have, or the good advice that we give. And if you can't see the fun we all have(like numerous other lovely ladies can) then you should probably head over to another softer website. Might I suggest weddingbee.com?

PaigeMcC · September 2010

PS: I miss you around these parts, Ana!!

Ana_2985 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c0f9835a-cb4d-49a1-9a4b-ccd2e6f853d9">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]PS: I miss you around these parts, Ana!!
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

Aww thanks!

leia1979 · September 2010

OP, I'm not sure what sort of visa your BF is on (I work in tech and I assume by "residency" you mean medical). However, if he's waiting on a Green Card before proposing (not sure if he is, but I kinda got that impression), know that can take several years.

I knew someone who worked here on an H1-B Visa for about five years before getting a Green Card. It can take less time, it can take more. Usually it depends on how interested the employer is in helping out with the process.

desertsun · September 2010

When people ask advice, the BEST possible thing you can do for them is to be honest. I am not here to enable or validate behavior or beliefs that I disagree with, and I think it's ridiculous to expect that.

If you aren't prepared for a variety of responses, don't put your personal business on a public message board. DUH.

Regarding pre-planning, I really cannot put it better than I did in a thread earlier this week:

The reason it is BSC to book (or talk with) vendors before you consider yourself engaged is b/c there is absolutely no good reason to do so.

Compromising what you want (a proposal and/or a ring) in order to proceed with planning something else you want (a wedding) is not healthy, and it's not something people in mature and healthy relationship do.

Ana_2985 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c45817b0-766e-4339-b499-b69ee60309a3">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]The reason it is BSC to book (or talk with) vendors before you consider yourself engaged is b/c there is absolutely no good reason to do so. Compromising what you want (a proposal and/or a ring) in order to proceed with planning something else you want (a wedding) is not healthy, and it's not something people in mature and healthy relationship do.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

They should make this the new NEY tagline.

hetshup · September 2010

OP- I ditto Sunbird, once you get engaged, there is a very subtle shift and its just different. I'll be honest, I contacted a vendor before I got engaged, we aren't getting married there b\c after we got engaged things change. So just save the memory capacity and save yourself some grief. Also, you don't need years to plan a wedding, if you were to take years to do so, it would probably not be terribly cohesive any way. If you want to know what amazing weddings look like, look at Desert or Acro or Kat. They all did amazing jobs, in under a year. So just chill out a little. It'll be fine. I didn't spring from the womb engaged, so use my experiences.

amberiasoasis-- There is a lot of joy here, however, many of us are very dry and deadpan in our humor. I would rather have someone tell me how it is then wandering around looking like an assshole. I will do be changing my whole personality to keep your self-esteem where you would like it to be. It's a cruel world buttercup.

PS-- I'm brutally honest with everyone, I told Paige one of the dresses she tried on looked like a vag. And I'm not the only one that thought that.

SassyBrass · September 2010

OP, Here's my weigh in:
There is a way to talk about marriage to your BF. It doesn't seem that he isn't "ready" or know you are the person he wants to be with. There is probably a reason behind why you aren't currently "official" that he has. He's saving up. He wants to have his residency established for work, he wants to have his green card in check, he's just waiting to catch you off guard, etc.
If you want to talk to him about it, make sure it's a talk about future, not just asking when he's going to get you a ring so you can be okay with planning. It doesn't need to be a big deal, it shouldn't be something you have to build up to. It doesn't have to turn into a fight. And it does NOT start with "when are you going to propose???"

The eyerolls happen when "preplanning" or "I'm super organized" comes up because more often than not, it's being too anxious, without BF knowing about it. Is that like peeking at presents before Christmas only because you want to know where you are going to keep things?
The reason I would personally advise against planning a lot of big stuff without being engaged is the simple fact that things change. Besides, wouldn't it be nice to actually see places with your new FI when you are both in your newfound mindset? Wouldn't it make it a little more real? Wouldn't you like to know what he has in mind too?

I don't think it's wrong to have a clear idea with your BF on how you both see your lives and how each of you fits into the equation. But after that, let it go. Enjoy that you will know where you both stand.
For now, focus on the two of you, leave out the other stuff until you know you're both on the same page, and the same timeline.

desertsun · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:866c5149-cca6-4260-bc0b-6a0c9c14672d">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story) : I second Ana's suggestion. DESERT FOR NEW TAGLINE! Or is it president? **EDIT** ALSO!! OP -- it really is different when you get engaged. I just started doing planning after being engaged for almost a month and it seriously is doable, especially if you are an organized person. I cherish our proposal and ensuing crazy-in-love chill time before planning. It really means a lot to be "officially engaged." Please don't rob yourself of that.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

Totally agree.

heyimbren · September 2010

Soo... does this mean I can start trying on dresses even though BF doesn't have a ring to give me yet?

But on the serious note. I have nothing to add to OP since she deleted her post and no one quoted. So I've got nothing, except the title you used for this post makes you sound BSC. Sorry, but that's truth. I can't judge your situation based off anything else.

Also, I'm a poor soul with a bare finger (see first line of this post) and I'm doing just fine on this board. Honestly, if you don't like this board then don't post. I really can't comprehend the idealist notion of "Hey, I'll post a complaint on this board and change the world!!!111!!!" because it never works. And it happens about once a week.

dwest2201 · September 2010

I'd just like to say that I DID see and read your original post... even started to reply earlier at work, then I got swamped. Anyways, you stated that you are ready to get married NOW and BF is wanting to have a secure job and residency before even getting engaged if I recall properly. You mentioned that he now has a good job but it's only a one year agreement and that since he hasn't proposed upon getting that job that he might be waiting for something more permanent... which you said could take up to two more years.

You openly stated that you might not even be engaged for two more years yet you feel the need to be contacting vendors NOW?! I'm not even going to beat around that bush that's effing crazy, lady! Even if you are planning on having a huge wedding shortly after actually becoming engaged you have a loooong time, chill out!

Also, hate to burst your perfect world idea, but sh*t happens and things change... you have no way of knowing that your relationship is even going to actually take that step until you get... you may both want that now and talk about it, but until it happens you should be more worried about what is actually going on in your relationship with your BF now and not some fairy tale wedding that might not even take place.

Lets just take a trip to dream world and assume that everything goes according to plan and you get engaged sometime in the next year or two... what is your budget? This is usually discussed after engagement and could drastically change between now and then. It is absolutely unnecessary to be pre-planning a wedding when you are not even engaged. Most brides-to-be (actual engagement is required for that) will contact a vendor after they have a date as there is no need to find out what this place or that charges etc until you know when you are getting married. You do not even have a agreement with your BF as to what YEAR you will be getting married (if at all) let alone the month or day! Seriously!

dreamlilly623 · September 2010

So this is my final post on something that I feel got entirely out of control. I posted something yesterday seeking advice from others who might be in a similar situation, on how to best communicate with my BF about our timeline. What it seemed to turn into was a place for people to talk about the dynamics of the site, to criticize me for contacting a vendor (which we did together just to find out what kind of price tag we were looking at) and to judge both me and my relationship as being immature. I did remove the original post because almost no one was actually replying to my original question. And I wished I had gone straight to BF rather than posting something on the internet. We learn from our mistakes though. While I do appreciate the diversity of all the women on here, there was just a general theme of harshness, which I find a little sad. No, life is not all rainbows and puppies, but I think it's also important not to suck all the joy out of everything. I am a firm believer in helping lift people up, not pushing them down. After all, we are all sharing this world together. Thanks to everyone who took the time out of their busy lives to post, no matter what the comment was.

Just to give a quick update, I talked to BF last night and that was the best decision I could have made! That’s what I should have done yesterday when I was feeling a little down. Some advice here was and a lot of heartfelt opinions while others just jumped on the opportunity to be nasty. But it takes all kinds of people to make up the world and that's the beautiful thing about humanity. BF and I had a good talk about it and it just helped to re-affirm why he's the man that I do want to marry. He's been having similar thoughts and it was so nice to realize that we are on the same page, which I should have known because we're in this relationship together.

Though we haven't set a date (and no I haven't made a single purchase, plan or contract before anyone gets riled up about that again) we do have a good timeline in place. We took a logical approach, considering our finances and life situation and what we're both looking for in our marriage and the celebration of it and decided within two years. That’s for the engagement, dress picked, vows said, lives pledged and cake cut. We are both happy with our plan and both agreed that we would try to check-in with each other more often if something changed.
From here on out I will be consulting BF J The advice I can offer to anyone new on here is that you should be prepared to hear all kinds of responses. People can only speak from their own experiences and they create a variety of people and opinions. Some may just not be in line with yours. I learned the hard way yesterday to take them all with a grain of salt. Remember no one truly knows your relationship except for you and BF so I would encourage anyone who might be in a similar situation to just sit down and talk. So I am still NEY but happy with where I am J

dwest2201 · September 2010

I'm honestly very happy that you and your BF have sat down and talked and that you are infact on the same page. I hope that everything works out for your guys and your plan comes together nicely. Good Luck!

PaigeMcC · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:702d2f0b-c36c-4859-8e30-6a81554ba87b">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]PS-- I'm brutally honest with everyone, I told Paige one of the dresses she tried on looked like a vag. And I'm not the only one that thought that.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

<div>You leave the vag dress out of this =P</div>

cruisebunny7 · September 2010

This poor girl sounds desparate.

Yes there are many of us "lurkers" on this site who are not engaged yet, but in relationships that are heading that way. I myself am not engaged yet, we are both mentally into where our relationship is heading but with our odd working hours (we are both flight attendants) and a desire to pay our entire wedding (including rings) in cash it will take awhile. Yes we have "set" a date, but no other major plans have occured, well besides colors...I love my purse and it is the color I have choosen lol. It is just nice to have a site to kinda look at ideas and collaborate budgets and other plans in one place. Much easier to use the tools on this site then make all those excel spreadsheets lol. Making serious plans without a ring and without her SO's approval is just wrong and immature, she needs to just relax and enjoy dating.

redheadtmk · September 2010

i would ignore the negativity and just do what you think is best. I am not yet engaged but have been looking into vendors to get an idea of what a realistic budget should be for what my BF and I envision. We attended 6 weddings this summer and he often inquired what I thought they spent which made me realize I dont have any idea what it will cost us. Having a basic foundation to work from when you do become engaged is not a bad idea. Knowing ahead of time things like which flowers are commonly grown in your area, or the time of year you want to be married will make it less stressful. As long as you arent actually booking things and just use it as a starting point rather than having your entire wedding plan set in stone, i dont see the problem with it. I now have a better idea what my vision will cost and have set up a saving plan accordingly. If we end up getting help from his parents great; if not we will be able to do it ourselves. if we break up for some unthinkable reason, well then i will have a bit of savings.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c7b2fb10-846e-4c0f-87e1-554b4613f2d9">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]i would ignore the negativity and just do what you think is best. I am not yet engaged but have been looking into vendors to get an idea of what a realistic budget should be for what my BF and I envision. We attended 6 weddings this summer and he often inquired what I thought they spent which made me realize I dont have any idea what it will cost us. Having a basic foundation to work from when you do become engaged is not a bad idea. Knowing ahead of time things like which flowers are commonly grown in your area, or the time of year you want to be married will make it less stressful. As long as you arent actually booking things and just use it as a starting point rather than having your entire wedding plan set in stone, i dont see the problem with it. I now have a better idea what my vision will cost and have set up a saving plan accordingly. If we end up getting help from his parents great; if not we will be able to do it ourselves. if we break up for some unthinkable reason, well then i will have a bit of savings.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

1) that "negativity" could actually be a whole lot of good, realistic suggestions. Just because something isn't advice on how to do exactly what you want doesn't make it "negativity"- sometimes opinions that are opposite of yours are good for realizing another perspective.

2) I can kind of understand why people want to have an idea of what vendors costs so they can have an idea of a budget. BUT here's the thing: vendors REALLY do vary a lot. I've seen photographers in my area from $800 - $3000. And it really depends on a lot of things that I don't think you can really decide until you're engaged. Also, I don't see why you need to know how much vendors cost to start saving. I've mentioned this before, but I'm not getting married any time soon - but I still have money put away in investments for my future. I have no idea what it will go towards, but it's nice to know that it's there and it's growing in the meantime. And I haven't needed to call vendors to figure any of that out. I guess what I'm saying is no one NEEDS to call vendors and talk to them before they're engaged to be financially ready and prepared. Plus, prices fluctuate a lot (not just on the vendor you choose) but the year as well.

LadyMadrid08 · September 2010

I'm late to the game, but I don't think anyone was harsh. PPs just told it like it is and you didn't like it.

I personally am starting to love this board because the ladies are intelligent, insightful, and offer advice without being complete bitches.

I think I might come around more often and not just lurking.

PaigeMcC · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:c2c6295e-c39a-4c7c-b42d-c42ac997398d">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm late to the game, but I don't think anyone was harsh. PPs just told it like it is and you didn't like it. I personally am starting to love this board because the ladies are intelligent, insightful, and offer advice without being complete bitches. :) I think I might come around more often and not just lurking.
Posted by LadyMadrid08[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, I like you. Please stay and play.</div>

PaigeMcC · September 2010

zomg, Mol loves bouncy balls! lol

Thanks love!

u too!

oceana919 · September 2010

Threads like this make me want to GBCK and take a couple uppity bitches down with me.

No one was rude or bitchy or even particularly harsh on this thread. Seriously. You want bitchy, you should see some other boards. What I did see throughout this thread was level-headed, logical, blunt advice, and a lot of reciprical whining over the fact that no one handed you a lollipop and blew sunshine up your butt. That's not how it works in on this board, or in real life for that matter. If you had taken 10 friggin minutes to lurk around here before you posted here, you would have seen multiple warnings/disclaimers of how the girls on this board are blunt in their advice, but their advice is well-intentioned and, 99% of the time, spot on.

NEY is not a board for women who are planning their weddings before they are even engaged. It's The Knot's personal way to convince women that they need to drop loads on their weddings and bilk them out of money. The Knot is a business, first and foremost. What this board has turned into is a place for women in all stages of relationship - single, dating, engaged, married, spawning - to discuss marriage, children, life in general. I would say about 40-50% of this board at any given time is engaged or married, so there's no bouncer at the door, honey.

As an engaged NEYer, let me tell you a few things about planning a wedding:

1) You will, at some point, wish you had eloped. It is inevitable.

2) A year is plenty of time to plan a wedding and not lose your mind. My FI and I both have two full time jobs, are working on advanced degrees (him an M.S., me a Ph.D.), have full-time lab schedules, are running a side business out of our home, are DIYing about 80% of our wedding, and I just had surgery...and we're still gonna pull off a wedding for 100 in a year. And it's gonna be friggin spectacular. And I had no selections made prior to my engagement, other than the groom.

IMO, I think actually calling/emailing/contacting vendors before you're engaged is more than a tad bit BSC. Looking around, getting an idea of places you'd like to check out or flowers you may want to use, figuring out a general budget - sure, go for it, there's no harm in dreaming. Contacting vendors and having your linen selections ready - not so much. You may as well call yourselves engaged at that point, because you are essentially planning your wedding.

Anyways, just my $0.20.

hetshup · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_youve-planned-flowers-found-gownbut-ringyet-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:43175d71-05f3-4af6-8edd-0b0dc7d5b575Post:a80a70b2-d76b-4a96-a1a7-8b63bfc94f0d">Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)</a>:
[QUOTE]Threads like this make me want to GBCK and take a couple uppity bitches down with me. No one was rude or bitchy or even particularly harsh on this thread. Seriously. You want bitchy, you should see some other boards. What I did see throughout this thread was level-headed, logical, blunt advice, and a lot of reciprical whining over the fact that no one handed you a lollipop and blew sunshine up your butt. That's not how it works in on this board, or in real life for that matter. If you had taken 10 friggin minutes to lurk around here before you posted here, you would have seen multiple warnings/disclaimers of how the girls on this board are blunt in their advice, but their advice is well-intentioned and, 99% of the time, spot on. NEY is not a board for women who are planning their weddings before they are even engaged. It's The Knot's personal way to convince women that they need to drop loads on their weddings and bilk them out of money. The Knot is a business, first and foremost. What this board has turned into is a place for women in all stages of relationship - single, dating, engaged, married, spawning - to discuss marriage, children, life in general. I would say about 40-50% of this board at any given time is engaged or married, so there's no bouncer at the door, honey. As an engaged NEYer, let me tell you a few things about planning a wedding: 1) You will, at some point, wish you had eloped. It is inevitable. 2) A year is plenty of time to plan a wedding and not lose your mind. My FI and I both have two full time jobs, are working on advanced degrees (him an M.S., me a Ph.D.), have full-time lab schedules, are running a side business out of our home, are DIYing about 80% of our wedding, and I just had surgery...and we're still gonna pull off a wedding for 100 in a year. And it's gonna be friggin spectacular. And I had no selections made prior to my engagement, other than the groom. IMO, I think actually calling/emailing/contacting vendors before you're engaged is more than a tad bit BSC. Looking around, getting an idea of places you'd like to check out or flowers you may want to use, figuring out a general budget - sure, go for it, there's no harm in dreaming . Contacting vendors and having your linen selections ready - not so much. You may as well call yourselves engaged at that point, because you are essentially planning your wedding. Anyways, just my $0.20.
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

Adjusted for inflation?

Someone talked about asking people how much they spent. AT THE WEDDING. I would be horribly offended if someone asked me, it's none of your business to ask at the wedding. Have a conversation about it later!

You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)

Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)

Re: You&#039;ve planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: You've planned your flowers, found a gown...but no ring...YET (my story)