I HATE BFs BFF

chaysefaith · July 2011

So, my BFs best friend is a total jerk. He's always giving my bf a hard time if he doesn't want to go out or doesn't invite him to do things. My BF (from my understanding) was kinda dorky in high school and got picked on and bullied a lot, and I feel like his best friend is a complete bully whom my bf only hangs out with because if he didn't he would be bullied all over again. I cut my bf some serious slack when it comes to the things this guy says and does because I don't want to see him get his feelings hurt or be picked on and I totally understand why he lets this stuff slide (twice now this guy has referred to me as bf's "b*tch). But I can't STAND being around his best friend. It's to the point now that usually if he's gonna be wherever we are, I don't go. BF knows how I feel, and although I feel bad about it, he doesn't hang out with this guy nearly as much as he used to out of respect for me. Should I just suck it up and hang out with him so my bf can see his best bud? Or should I stick to my guns?

I usually have a pretty thick skin about this stuff, another of his friends calls me "ball and chain" but it feels more like a term of endearment than name calling. IDK, I'm just at a loss. Help.

peekaboo2011 · July 2011

Nope. Not your call. You need to talk to BF and let him know exactly how you feel, and that you don't want to stop him hanging out with his friend, but he needs to stand up for you and that his BFF's behavior is unacceptable. It is up to BF to deal with his friends.

bethsmiles · July 2011

I can totally relate to this. Some of the girls who have been on here longer may recall the issues I've had with BF's friends and his one particular friend (I'll call him J) who I had some pretty heated run ins with. He actually tried to get BF to break up with me because I wasn't Christian enough for him and that was after he told me that BF's family and friends hated me and thought I had completely changed BF.

Here's how I handle it:
1) If I don't feel like hanging out with the guy I don't go out but I encourage BF to go and have a good time. It gives him a guys night out and I don't have to deal with J.

2) When I do end up hanging out with him I vent to BF beforehand. I let it all out and then I go out and have a good time despite the fact that J is there.

3) I make myself see the good in him. I focus on the nice things he says or does. Granted he has mellowed out a ton since the days when I really couldn't stand him. But I've found that I can find certain things about him to like and focusing on those is a lot easier than letting him get to me when he is a jerk

However, the whole BF's bitch thing would really bother me. I would tell BF that either he can stand up for me or I will stand up for myself but no one gets to call me a bitch.

IrishDreamer · July 2011

I agree with PP. BF and I went through this once.

It's really not your call. Talk to BF and tell him this isn't acceptable, but that you do not wish to stand between their friendship.

Beth said it very well here: *points down*
1) If I don't feel like hanging out with the guy I don't go out but I encourage BF to go and have a good time. It gives him a guys night out and I don't have to deal with J.

I agree, I don't like that he calls you BF's B!tch or ball & chain. That wouldn't fly with me. I would tell BF he needs to handle that, or you will. That will give him the opportunity to talk to his friend, and that way you won't need to feel guilty if a disagreement occurs, because you gave BF a chance to handle it with his friend.

*hugs*

amsmith1989 · July 2011

I had this problem with an ex...we were together for two years and his best friend couldn't handle that he was into me and not into nerding out with him as often. He would go so far as to come up to us in the middle of a conversation and TALK OVER me instead of waiting for us to be finished. I hope your man will stand up for you, because mine sure didn't. One of many reasons he's an ex.

Hazel_B · July 2011

I agree with PPs, it really isn't your call.

FI has a friend from childhood that is just awful, in my opinion. He is definitely a pessimist and looks for faults in others. For a long time this guy was, well atleast my life isn't as bad as yours...meaning my FI's life. Since then each of their lives has changed FI's has improved drastically found a GF, gotten a better job, moved in with his GF in a house and now gotten engaged. While he has been laid off, sold his house and car, etc. etc. If he was bad when things were going well for him, he is even worse now.

You just have to support your BF, eventually he'll have to make a call on his own.

csousa1 · July 2011

I am going to take another tack here and say that in certain cases, it IS your call. If this friend blatantly disrepects you to your face in front of others, you have every right to say something. I would suggest saying it as calmly and respectfully as possible to avoid a scene, but when one human being attacks another in any way, they have a right to defend themselves.

However, as to any comments he makes to your BF, that is your BF's area to handle. Don't bother getting involved there, it will only cause drama and be even more of a headache for you. I would also tell your BF that you are not interested to hear any of what his friend says about you.

Like Beth said, I would try to find the peace with this dude as much as you can. Look to his better qualities, if there are any, and just try to take him with a grain of salt. Be comforted that your BF has already made boundaries in not seeing him as much out of respect for you, and make sure your BF knows how you feel about it in a calm and rational way. Try as best you can to let his abrasive nature just roll off your shoulders, and let BF deal with any of the heavy confrontation if the need arises. Tuning him out could help too

jessicabridie · July 2011

I had a similar situation with my BFs BFF. The BFF would always pick on him, to the point of actually beating him up sometimes, which really upset me! Why do guys do this to people they call their friends? I really couldn't stand him for the first 2 years of our relationship. Luckily, now that the BF finally has a grown up job and everything, he has grown out of the bully stage and is actually a decent guy! Hopefully your BF's BFF will grow up soon too!

ravenray · July 2011

Beth is really wise.
I have experienced this too. I am going to put a different spin on it. My BF did leave his BFF for me (not that I asked him too but that is how it worked out) He feels really bad about it. Granted they did grow apart and aren't really compatible anymore, but he still feel guilty. I feel bad about it. I am just saying don't do what I did and pressure your BF into not hanging out with his friend because you don't like him. You might regret it.

I HATE BFs BFF

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