Hello ladies,
I feel kind of uncomfortable making this post, both because I'm still pretty new to this board and don't really know anybody here, and also because I usually don't even get this personal with people that I know, but I'm just feeling really lost right now and need some prayers.
FI and I have a really good relationship. We've actually never had an actual fight before. I grew up with pretty much constant fighting, so for a while this was something that really concerned me, but I'm slowly coming to accept the fact that just because we don't yell at each other, doesn't mean that we just ignore all our issues. We do have our rough patches. They usually come every few months and just involve one of us saying or doing something slightly thoughtless, and the other person taking it too personally. We both have low-self esteem and have a tendency to be way too sensitive about things. And by "we both" I mean me, and Brian claims that he's the same way to make me feel better about my immaturity, ha.
Anyways, basically, we had another one of those moments Wednesday night. He said something that was just him being honest with me, which I always ask him to do, and it was probably more true than I would like to admit. But it was just
really horrible timing, like the
worst possible, and it really really hurt me. Not to mentiont hat fact that he probably could have worded it a lot better. It just made me feel so completely worthless and disgusting and ashamed. I had to stop talking to him for a couple hours, which has never happened before. We then had a three hour conversation in which we were both pretty much miserable-him feeling bad for hurting me, me feeling bad for being hurt and in turn making him feel bad. We were finally able to work stuff out last night, which is usually how long it takes us to work these things out, but what he said is still affecting me...
I don't know how to deal with it right now. He's worried that he's set me back really far and ruined all the progress that I've made in the past few months...the truth is, he has. No,
he hasn't, but my mind is twisting things as usual and I just can't deal with it. It's not his fault, I realize that, but it's just so frustrating. He's confused and he doesn't understand, and quite honestly I'm sort of
glad that he doesn't understand, in a way. I don't want him to have to deal with all of this.
I know this is confusing, and very long, but basically my problem just is that I'm using what happened this week, on top of how I've already been feeling for the past few weeks, as an excuse to stop eating. I want to tell him, but I can't, because he already feels horrible about it. I can't make him feel bad about it all over again. But I really do need prayer. If this keeps up, he's going to notice it. I already promised him that I won't lose more than one pound a month for our wedding, but I'm not going to be able to keep that promise if I can't get over this quickly. Just please, if it's not too much trouble, please, please, please just say a quick prayer for me. A part of me wants to fall into this again, but a part of me knows that I just
can't. Sorry for the post and for the length and for being so depressing and melancholy, ha. I'm sure that things will be better next week.
I just needed to get all of this off my chest. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read it.