Is getting married young a bad idea?

hc21woody · April 2010

I am not engaged yet, however, my boyfriend & I have already been discussing marriage, wedding plans, how we will raise our children, finances, etc. We are both still seniors in high school. I am eighteen & he is nineteen. He has decided to join the air force & will be attending basic training this summer or fall while I stay behind to get my cosmotology degree (it's only a year long program.) We were thinking about getting married next year when he will be twenty & I will be still, eighteen. Do you think it is a bad idea to get married young?

**Mutley** · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:d6e865e6-6792-4151-9964-6635a403a9ff">Is getting married young a bad idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not engaged yet, however, my boyfriend & I have already been discussing marriage, wedding plans, how we will raise our children, finances, etc. We are both still seniors in high school. I am eighteen & he is nineteen. He has decided to join the air force & will be attending basic training this summer or fall while I stay behind to get my cosmotology degree (it's only a year long program.) We were thinking about getting married next year when he will be twenty & I will be still, eighteen. Do you think it is a bad idea to get married young?
Posted by hc21woody[/QUOTE]

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At least you took notes this week.

Marrying Young: Check
Military Reference: Check

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StephB1185 · April 2010

Please refer to this link which was posted here a few days ago:
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-dear-wendy-i-regret-marrying-too-young/

If you want the honest truth, yes. Read the post named "to all those who want to get married young"

jeanacorina · April 2010

Yes, I do.

You lose NOTHING by waiting a few more years. If he is the one now, he always will be, right? Let him join the military and get through basic training and deployments. That's a BIG deal and a lot can change in a miliatry relationship. Not always bad, but change does put pressure on ANY relationship... especially a marriage.

You gain everything. You gain time to mature, to figure yourself out while he's gone. You'll be an adult for the first time in your life. It IS different. You'll be responsible for everything from grocery shopping to car insurance to what to watch on TV tonight.

There's a post here about why getting married young is not a great idea. Maybe someone will link it for you... but it's on the first page of posts. You don't need to break up, but you'll have a lot of new experiences and opportunities, and even problems that you'll deal with best if you're NOT married.

Marriage changes things. Really. Really, it does. I promise. I've had long-term boyfriends. I was engaged at 19. What i am doing right now-- getting married-- this is a whole new ballgame. Everything is about us. There is no "what is best for me?" It's "what is best for both of us and how can we make that happen?"

You can be in love, you can be happy. You can know he's the one with all your heart. But just give yourself a few years before getting married. You won't regret waiting, but you MIGHT (probably will) regret getting hitched too soon.

PaigeMcC · April 2010

I think you should look at KD's thread about getting married young.

But yes. I do think it's a bad idea. If I had married the boy (and I say BOY not MAN) that I was with when I was 18 I would either be miserable or divorced by now.

People do a lot of growing up when they leave high school. You will go to school, meet new people and learn new things. You need to take time to grow up, have responsibilities like rent/groceries/etc, and learn who you are. I thought I was very mature at 18 (and I was) but I would have NEVER met my wonderful BF if I had married the kid I was with then. I'm not saying you won't get married - I'm just saying you need to wait and you both need to blossom into your own people. Enjoy your relationship! Be happy! Be young! You don't need to get married yet...have your own life first!

bajediva · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:f7285cc8-f396-4abc-931d-4006e0ffa462">Re: Is getting married young a bad idea?</a>:
[QUOTE] If you want the honest truth, yes. Read the post named "to all those who want to get married young"
Posted by StephB1185[/QUOTE]
Here's the link: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_want-marry-young" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_want-marry-young</a>

hc21woody · April 2010

Thank you for you're response. :]

hc21woody · April 2010

Thank you so much for you're fasinating outlook on life, it was truely helpful.

**Mutley** · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:71c11c15-aea9-4372-a014-109a384d2a40">Re: Is getting married young a bad idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for you're response. :]
Posted by hc21woody[/QUOTE]

<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', 'f91a2771-f270-4bcc-87ae-c3b211609b63', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/7/f91a2771-f270-4bcc-87ae-c3b211609b63.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>

hc21woody · April 2010

IN RESPONSE TO MUTTLEY I said: You're outlook is truely fasinating. Honeslty, I don't understand why you went out of you're way to be rude about my post. I don't know you & you don't me, I guess you're just mean spirited. -Shrug-

**Mutley** · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:cc92b993-c77b-4854-a08f-c9a77e0a3870">Re: Is getting married young a bad idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]IN RESPONSE TO MUTTLEY I said: You're outlook is truely fasinating. Honeslty, I don't understand why you went out of you're way to be rude about my post. I don't know you & you don't me, I guess you're just mean spirited. -Shrug-
Posted by hc21woody[/QUOTE]

It sure does hurt to be called 'mean spirited' by a person I don't believe to be real.

Truely = Truly?
Fasinating = Fascinating?
Honeslty = Honestly?
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I guess you have not been studying for the SATs. <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '8d9ebbf6-1ead-4f81-bb79-e5a67b40808b', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/13/11/8d9ebbf6-1ead-4f81-bb79-e5a67b40808b.medium.gif" alt="" /></a> <--- shrug
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hc21woody · April 2010

I'm not trying to hurt you're feelings, I have better things to do than being rude to people on the internet.

StephB1185 · April 2010

Did you hear that guys? They're *different*!

**Mutley** · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:4e2cfa13-43e9-4689-a03e-4307204636b3">Re: Is getting married young a bad idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I can see where most people are coming from. I am 19 and I will be getting married in 5 months. I will be 20 when we do get married. He is 20 as well. We are exactly 6 months apart. I know everyone says you do a lot of growing up, and I know this is true. But everyone is not the same, some people mature differently and quicker than others. My fiance and I are the same age and we will both change, we have already gone through some of those changes together, but that's what I think has made us so strong as a couple is that we can go through life and struggle and work together to find solutions. We have lived together out entire relationship, and we have been paying our own bills and doing our own finances since we were 18 & 19 years old. I understand people will probably say that I am bias but you are the only one who knows what is good for you. My parents got married young, well my mother did. She was 19 and my parents are 8 years apart. My father got to live his life and my mother was young and hadn't experienced much, they are have been married for 25 years and have raised 3 children. They are still as in love as ever. I just think it has to do with the people and their personalities. I don't think it should be generalized to all young people. Good luck in your decisions :)
Posted by FutureMrsRobb[/QUOTE]
Well, I better just <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', 'ab9531e0-6426-4f58-80ac-f7bf7ca232dc', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/11/0/ab9531e0-6426-4f58-80ac-f7bf7ca232dc.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>. Or maybe you should read the links posted in this thread as well. Go on with your bad self and get married before you can even have a toast at your own wedding.

And for your parents' story, I can counter you with my in-laws. My MIL was 19 and my FIL was 29 when they got married. She was young and in-love. They were divorced by the time my DH was 4 and his sister was 6.

PaigeMcC · April 2010

I would never disagree that EVERYONE who marries young doesn't make it. My grandparents, on moms side, married before they were 18 and they were fantastically in love with children,grandchildren and great grandchildren, right up until they passed.

It can work and sometimes it does but we're just saying that it won't hurt you to wait. If you want to get married and your BF/FI wants to get married then by all means go for it - but we're giving honest advice and it's from women that have been where you are. Just take the advice and chew it over. Ultimately it's your choice and not the choice of some crazy internet ladies.

**Mutley** · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:e196c291-0c13-45b1-8608-8ab8b3ae510e">Re: Mutley</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to hurt you're feelings, I have better things to do than being rude to people on the internet.
Posted by hc21woody[/QUOTE]

Like your English homework? Yes. You should get right to that.

By the way, in between being rude to you, I have prepped dinner (including making biscuits from scratch,) started a load of laundry, and played 'find-it' with my mutts.

Oh and... <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '60ab76d3-fae7-4436-874f-da2d71afac4b', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/0/7/60ab76d3-fae7-4436-874f-da2d71afac4b.medium.png" alt="" /></a>
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jeanacorina · April 2010

My advice still stands, regardless of what FutureMrsRobb says. I think her story will be much more convincing and helpful when she comes back in 10 years and is still 100% happy in her marriage.

I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just saying that a 20-year-old girl ALWAYS thinks she is right. Duh. I was one of those at one point. All of us were.

We're just giving the girl the advice she asked for, most of us speaking from the other side of 25.

PaigeMcC · April 2010

And really, it's very sad that you can't drink at your own wedding.

I'm just sayin'...

PaigeMcC · April 2010

Mutley- you're my favorite super hero!

jeanacorina · April 2010

You don't need to get all self-defensive.

You made a decision. You are happy with your decision. That's great. I'm not saying your marriage is doomed.

I'm saying that having been there, been engaged at 19, been a young woman who thought she knew everything about herself, I don't believe that I lost anything by waiting.

Sure, I thought I'd be married and popped out some babies by now. I wanted to be a young mom. I'm going to be a normal-aged mom. I'll probably be 30 by the time I have my second child.

But I learned so much about myself and the world and other people in the last 7 years. I will never, ever regret waiting and I really can't imagine why someone else would. I am all about living every day like it's your last, and appreciating the moment, and loving someone deeply and completely.

But, you can love someone deeply and completely without being married. I love my fiance the same amount now as I did 5 years ago. Maybe not in the same way because we have been through so much together and our "honeymoon" is over. But I love him with all my heart and that hasn't faded one bit in 6 years.

For the record: waiting for HIM to be ready for marriage was hard. I never said it's easy to wait.

hc21woody · April 2010

Well, I was raised to be polite, I'm sorry you weren't. I'm not going to continue this petty conversation, you can if you have nothing better to do. Have a nice day.

**Mutley** · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-married-young-bad-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1dea0075-8971-4343-a95a-bdc9aecc6aa3Post:29d9b28e-2add-47e2-b0d3-df339103be27">Re: Is getting married young a bad idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think anyone is 100% happy in their marriages... That'd be like saying they never fight.
Posted by FutureMrsRobb[/QUOTE]

Really?

I am 110% happy in my marriage. Does that mean we never fight? Nope. However, we never have an unproductive or unfair fight. And I would rather fight with him than anyone else. Marriage is going to have highs and lows, but you can be happy during the lows.

I think it is sad that you don't think anyone can be 100% happy in their marriage.

chickadeedeedee · April 2010

SPEAKING FROM REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE...

I got "engaged" at 19 to a boy who I thought was my soulmate. I say "engaged" because there was never a ring or any solid plans aside from a registry at Younkers, but we were head over heels for each other, and we were GOING to get married. We were together for a while, but after a while we developed different interests. I wanted to go on and finish up my degree, and he wanted to drop out and become a car salesman. It got to a point where I couldn't justify sacrificing my happiness to create a joint happiness for the two of us, and that's when I knew it wasn't meant to be. When you are that young and you have a mountain of goals and ambitions ahead of you, and you can't see yourself putting those aside for someone else, it's not right. If your fella completes basic and gets stationed across the country, would you be willing to drop everything and follow him? Or would you do so reluctantly, feeling like you left your own life by the wayside in order to help someone else meet their goals? There's no point in lying to yourself in order to make your domestic fantasy come true. No matter what anyone says, you need to consider your own happiness before you can create a happy life with someone else, or you will always be miserable and lost when you're on your own inside your head.

chickadeedeedee · April 2010

Basically, if you have any second guesses at all, no matter how fleeting and tiny, there are issues that need to be addressed before anything is done. Even just posting something on an online discussion board should be clue enough to you that you are too insecure with your decision to move forward with it. That goes for anyone, whether they're 19 or 39.

MidniteRae · April 2010

Hc21- My BF's parents married young(well, older than you and old enough to legally drink. I think about 21/22.) Bf's dad was in the airforce. Although they are still married , his mother had told us(me, bf, and his sister) that she wishes she would have waited longer to get married.
As for my parents, they met young(they were about 12 when they met) and they dated a couple times and got engaged young, but had about a 3 year engagement(they saved for a house and my mother studied abroad in Spain), but still married at about 21/22. They are still married, but my mother was happy that she got to experience life before she got married. She loved Spain(she also bought her wedding dress there).
Althought both of our parents married young, we are waiting a little longer to get married. Military relationships are hard. I think that you and your BF should wait a few years. I know that you love each other, but if you two are really meant to be then you will still be together in a few years. I thought that I was going to marry that guy I was with when I was 18/19 and I didn't. He moved out of state for college and we both changed. I do think that you should legally be able to drink at your wedding when you get married. Just take things slow and enjoy your relationship. Focus on high school and getting into college and just have fun and experience life before you get married.

saisongbird · April 2010

HC21:

Your = your (as in, referring to yourself)

You're = You Are

hetshup · April 2010

I've said this before, I work with the military. Today I spoke to a woman that was 22, getting divorced and had her fiance in the room with her. It happens all the time. I'm not saying that you won't make it, but the odds are against you. By letting yourself age, mature and make some life experiences, you get to stack the odds for you. If you really love each other, give yourself the chance to live life as an individual first. It'll make your marriage stronger.

Goldlie11 · April 2010

You asked our opinions and then call people rude. That doesn't make to much sense to me.

Most of the posters here were 21 at some point (some more recently than others) and do think that you should wait. I have a couple of family members that are (or were) married to military men. It's really hard. Now you are going to make it harder by adding to the fact that you are just out of high school. My advice is wait.

KD+BC · April 2010

::head desk::

Thanks for linking my post ladies. I plan on just doing that from now on!

redheadfsu · April 2010

Op

I'm in family law. Wait. I see tons of young love turn out wrong. Be young, don't rush it.

AnneAndJJ · April 2010

Hi! I'm 20. And guess what...I'm not getting married. Not now, not for a looonnnggggg time. Maybe never, but that is up in the air. Do I have a BF? Yes, I do, and have for quite a while. I love him to the moon and back, but that doesn't mean we should get married.

Already throughout the course of our relationship, we've been through a lot. Lots of ups, and just as many downs. We've grown a lot, sure, but I know that over the next few years we're going to change even more. Do I hope he's still by my side through all that? Of course. But I also know that sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. I also know that getting married is something we're not ready for and not ready to deal with. It's a MAJOR change and MAJOR commitment, and that's a lot to take on at 19 or 20.

Is getting married young a bad idea?

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