Help Help Help! No church, but wanting a religous ceremony.

Fricky · December 2010

I realize that this is a sticky subject, but I'm hoping someone might be able to point me in the right direction.

It's very important to both my fiance and myself, as well as our families, to have a religous ceremony. The problem? We haven't been to church in quite some time.

We live together, about 40 min away from my childhood home and church. It is a United Church of Christ. I haven't attended since I was 12...so at least 20 years. We're in PA right now...and he's originally from FL, so his childhood church is out of the running as well.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to get this process started? We're not sure if we're up for being "every Sunday" worshippers, but we also don't want to show up once and then not again until our ceremony. Please don't take this to mean that I want to "use" a church in any way just for my ceremony...I'm just not sure it will be that easy to find a convenient church (location wise) that works with our expectations.

I'm just so stressed and confused about what to do!

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

I would suggest making your next project to check out churches in your area, and find one you are comfortable with. Maybe start by contacting the pastor at your childhood church and asking if he/she has any contacts closer to where you are. Or go online or ask friends. Then call a few churches, find out worship times, and drop in a couple of Sundays. You don't have to go every week, but if you start going to a place a few times a month, and get comfortable there, they will be happy to help you with your wedding.

Many people find their engagement to be a period of evaluating their long term plans, and it triggers them to return or reconnect with church. If you still feel it, now is a great time to think about connecting with a church, and you shouldn't be embarrassed to have been gone for 20 years.

sister2groom · December 2010

It depends when you're getting married (because obviously the date in your bio is wrong) but if there's a fair amount of time before your wedding, just try to find a church you want to attend and then try to get a pastor from there. If the pastors at that church don't want to marry you, THEN find a pastor from another church who is willing to marry those outside of the congregation. To me, attending a church just because you want to get married by a pastor there seems like a silly way to pick a church. (Although it may very well be that the type of pastor you want leading you on Sundays, is the type you want to marry you).

And I wouldn't worry too much about the location of the church relative to your reception (you're not get married there and it's not like the pastors live at the church).

Obviously if you're on a shorter timeframe, you can't do that, but don't restrict your choice of church to those who could provide an officiant for your wedding (or vise versa). Look for an officiant, and look for a church, but don't FORCE the two to be same. It would be a shame to not attend a church youreally liked just because the pastor already was booked or something your wedding day.

Also, it's not necessarily as difficult to get married by a pastor as you might think. My old youth pastor agreed to marry his two nonchristian neighbors because he wanted to encourage marriage. His only stipulations as long as they allowed him to say a brief homily and I think maybe do a little premarital counselling to make sure they had worked through typical issues (money, raising kids, etc).

Fricky · December 2010

@MyName - Unfortunately my childhood minister has passed away some time ago. I can't really resort to friends as the majority of my friends are either non-practicing or Catholic. We're both of the Protestant world. I did start Googling and found two Episcopalian churches (his background) and two UCC churches (my background) in the area.

Let's say that we go to a service, we like the minister/pastor/etc. How do we approach them to inquire about a ceremony on our date? Are there a certain amount of visits that it's appropriate to wait till? This is really foreign territory to us.

The bottom line is that we want religion to be a part of our ceremony and a part of starting our lives together. We're just not sure how to do it. Heh.

@Sister - Grr you're right. The date isn't showing up right. Originally I was thinking November 5th, but meant to say 2011. Now we've booked our venue for the reception and it turns out it's actually October 8, 2011. It is supposedly updated in my profile, but isn't showing up.

Anywho, this is really good advice. I'm just basing the assumed difficulty off that of my Catholic friends. I know that is much more strict than either of our religions, but that said, it's been so long that I don't know that much about our religions either.

sister2groom · December 2010

I don't think there's anything wrong with being upfront from day 1 at churches, especially since you're obviously not trying to just use them.

If you find a church that seems promising, you could say something like "FI and I are about to start our lives as a married couple and so we want to start getting more involved in a church. We want to start attending church more regularly and would love to get married by the pastor there because we would like to find a church home. If it's not possible to get married by a pastor here we still are considering settling here, but do you know of any local pastors who marries people outside their congregations?" I can't see anyone getting offended by that as long as it's all true for you (which I gathered it is).

trix1223 · December 2010

Disclaimer: I work in a church, so here's my advice. Stop thinking "I want a church for my wedding!!" and start thinking, "We want a church to be a place a spiritual renewal and encouragement of our faith."

Then start visiting churches in your area. Choose one each Sunday and you'll know when you've found the one that "fits" the two of you best. Start attending that church and then you'll be in a position to approach the pastor about having your wedding there.

When I first moved to the town where we now live, I was still attending a church that was about a 40 minute drive. I went to one church in town, and knew immediately that it wasn't right for me. The next week I was drawn to a different church. And it felt completely right. I started working there as their choir director 28 years ago. And I'm still there.

Find the church first. The wedding stuff will follow. Good luck to you!

pretzelgrrl · December 2010

Ditto on Unitarian...I went into a Unitarian church discussed that I wanted a religous ceremony but could not get married in my church. She completely understood and we booked our wedding that day.

sister2groom · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-but-wanting-religous-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:3ce122fc-6246-48c2-bfa3-d61348189c41Post:2b9d8f5d-6bdc-485d-b1b0-cd17f8d402d3">Re: Help Help Help! No church, but wanting a religous ceremony.</a>:
[QUOTE]Find the church first. The wedding stuff will follow. Good luck to you!
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
My thoughts exactly, but I couldn't somehow get them out there.

kbroth01 · December 2010

We are actually getting married on a Sunday, and I was brought up religeous and my family is really religeous. But our church says they don't DO weddings on Sundays. So we hired a reverend who will do a catholic out of mass ceremony for us. I think thats the best we are going to get. I like the thought of having my ceremony and reception at the same place though! so everything is working out really well so far.

Cgidds · December 2010

You dont need a church to make it religous. Why dont you start focusing on the ceremony script or biblical passages or verses you want included in the wedding. On a neighboring post I told another bride-to-be to check out the Swedenborgian Church in San Francisco under "Weddings" for ceremony script ideas. The traditional one which is the most religous is really beautiful. I cry every time I read it (Alright, I'm a bit on the soft side). My fiance and I wanted a church wedding but all of the ones nearby are the HUGE congregational types which would be inappropriate for our small wedding of 80. Hope this helps a little!

mbcdefg · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_church-but-wanting-religous-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:3ce122fc-6246-48c2-bfa3-d61348189c41Post:5ad93c33-0572-466b-a89b-b59db841b955">Re: Help Help Help! No church, but wanting a religous ceremony.</a>:
[QUOTE]We are actually getting married on a Sunday, and I was brought up religeous and my family is really religeous. But our church says they don't DO weddings on Sundays. So we hired a reverend who will do a catholic out of mass ceremony for us. I think thats the best we are going to get. I like the thought of having my ceremony and reception at the same place though! so everything is working out really well so far.
Posted by kbroth01[/QUOTE]

If you're Catholic, and if you are not married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest/deacon, then the Church will not recognize your marriage. Please correct me if I misread your post, but it sounds like you hired someone who'll do a Catholic-style ceremony but not in a Catholic church.

Just letting you know. I mean, if you don't care about having the Church recognize your marriage (which is fine), you should be all set as long as your officiant is properly licensed in your state to perform marriages.

But if your marriage being recognized as a Catholic marriage is important to you, then you can't hire a non-Catholic reverend (even a former one, like the ones who were once priests and have since left the priesthood and maybe even got married or something) and have them perform a ceremony outside of a church.

Just a heads-up.

trix1223 · December 2010

Agree with retread about asking questions. I expect people to ask my fees when they are planning their wedding, and am not at all offended. It's very easy for me to help brides and grooms who have specific questions and/or requests. So ask away!

Help Help Help! No church, but wanting a religous ceremony.

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