Future Stepdaughter as jr bridesmaid HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

gia0404 · March 2010

Ok so I'm w/ my FI for 10 yrs now. I already think of his 11 yr old (doesn't live with us) daughter as my stepdaughter. We also have a 3 yr old together who is my flower girl. The last yr or so his daughter barely visits - maybe once a month, and we don't get along with her Mom or grandma who she lives with. Now I originally said she should be a jr bridesmaid but now I'm, thinking is there something else I can put her as?? I can't imagine paying 200+ for a dress, hair, shoes etc... and she wind up not coming or they pretend she is sick or something (which happens all the time)..... Plus, my BM's & Mom are gonna need help financially & physically for shower, should'nt have have all adults...... Sooooo Stressed about this and I know FI will probably go nuts if I say she shouldn't be BM.

ffbride_0813 · March 2010

As a stepdaughter myself I would hate to not play a large role in my parents wedding. Maybe you can buy her a cheaper dress in the same color that is returnable as well as the shoes and other things. This way if she doesnt get to go you arent out the money. I know it all adds up and money is tight but is the money worth saving when you know FI wont like the idea and that she has the potential to be extremely disappointed. I would try in whatever way you can to keep her as a junior BM.

VanessaB24 · March 2010

thats tough... My fi's daughter will be 9 next month and she'll be a flowergirl but she'll be carrying a smaller bouquet then the bms.
Your FI should make sure she is coming that day. Its not fair that he only gets to see his daughter 1 a month. If they have an agreement in their divorce papers then it should be honored. If your wedding is on a saturday and its his turn to have his child sick or not she should be with him that weekend. Its not an 11 yr olds choice if she wants to go to her fathers house or not. She's 11!
I hope it works out for you.

gia0404 · March 2010

I know, I'm a stepdaughter also but my Dad had a lil town hall wedding for his 2nd marriage. This is our 1st (&only) but when Ithink about the costs it drives me nuts. And I know he is thinking about the costs also. Our entire wedding budget is only about 15,000. Which as all of you know isn't much to work with..... I just can't think of anywhere else to put her....

ecg129 · March 2010

I would have someone ASK her - do you want to be my jr. bridesmaid? Make it clear to her - and possibly have FI make it clear to her mom, saying yes means she needs to be there since your going to spend some money on buying her a dress, etc. I think she needs to play a huge role though, knowing she is part of your new family.

mbcdefg · March 2010

If you already asked her to be a bridesmaid, then it would be very mean to take that back from her now. If you already promised her the role, then stick with it. It's not fair to punish her just because your FI and his ex do not get along when it comes to raising her and sharing custody. It's not HER fault.

A bridesmaid, no matter what her age, is not obligated to help plan or pay for your shower. Most BMs will "traditionally" help out, but that's because they are (ideally) your closest friends, and that's what friends do. Your step-daughter would not be automatically required to help out with the shower just because she's a bridesmaid. If your shower hostesses feel that the burden is too great, then they should scale your shower back to the point where they can comfortably handle it. And of course, since it's a party for you, you should have zero involvement in it (unless they ask for a guest list or some dates when you're free). Don't ask for a shower and don't assign it. Wait to see what you may (or may not) receive.

All a bridesmaid "has" to do is wear the dress and walk down the aisle. That's it. Anything else is a bonus. So there's no difference between a Bridesmaid and a Junior Bridesmaid, because their two requirements are exactly the same. She's a Bridesmaid. Call her "junior" if you all like the title, but there's really no point to it.

If you already agreed to buy the dress for her, then just pay for it. Pick a neutral color for the shoes and let her (or her mother) find a suitable pair. Same with your other BMs - just pick a neutral color that coordinates with the dresses (black, silver, gold, bronze, white). And if she winds up not coming to the wedding, then you wouldn't have to pay for her hair, right? So your only expense for her would be the dress, flowers (if she doesn't show, use it for decoration somewhere at the reception) and a thank you gift (which you can give to her regardless - again, if she doesn't wind up coming, it's not HER fault).

NJMom050911 · March 2010

I think you should keep her in wedding. She is only eleven and since you don't get along with the mom or grandma most likely they're the ones keeping her away from you and your FI. In a few years when she's older you two might get closer and you might look back and feel bad that she wasn't a part of this very special day.

mbcdefg · March 2010

Also, I can totally understand being on a budget ... but which situation would suck more? Losing a few hundred dollars, or disappointing a young girl who will be your (step)daughter soon?

I'm not rich either, but really, what's a few hundred dollars in the grand scheme of things when you're already spending $15K? The wedding and her dress/hair/shoes will last one day ... you'll be her step-mom for years to come. If your concern is that the money could be used elsewhere in the wedding, cut out something like favors or limos or a few fancy meals/excursions on your honeymoon in order to accommodate her.

rlb81 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_future-stepdaughter-jr-bridesmaid-helpppp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:a978b0ff-37c6-4376-9bb7-2a2359656141Post:283770b6-943c-4be4-be97-3d777c3cf0fe">Re: Future Stepdaughter as jr bridesmaid HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding and her dress/hair/shoes will last one day ... you'll be her step-mom for years to come. If your concern is that the money could be used elsewhere in the wedding, cut out something like favors or limos or a few fancy meals/excursions on your honeymoon in order to accommodate her.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
Agree 10000%

tvlirene · March 2010

I totally agree with Irish. She is also just a child and under her mom's control and that shouldn't be held against her.

gia0404 · March 2010

Very tough situation. She actually does not know about the wedding yet and we won't be telling her for awhile. It has to be this way for personal reasons that FI & I have...So I wouldn't be taking a role away from her. I was hoping someone would have an idea for her to be involved as something other then bridesmaid. But I guess what else is there?
As far as showers go - that is what my friends & I do. I'm the last to be married but the 4 of us (bff's for 15+ yrs) have always given each other showers & bachelorette parties. So it's pretty safe of me to assume this stuff. But thanks for letting me know your opinions.

mbcdefg · March 2010

Well, then, it's up to you and your FI if you didn't already ask her. Other good roles would be a reader, or another flower girl (but that's essentially the same job as a Bridesmaid, since they both just need to wear a specific outfit and walk down the aisle, so IMO that makes no sense to exclude her as a BM if y ou're just going to do the same basic thing).

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_future-stepdaughter-jr-bridesmaid-helpppp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:a978b0ff-37c6-4376-9bb7-2a2359656141Post:079202ec-d14a-43ae-8bae-9ed07760f7cd">Future Stepdaughter as jr bridesmaid HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know FI will probably go nuts if I say she shouldn't be BM.
Posted by gia0404[/QUOTE]

I think you have your answer right here. If he wants her as a bridesmaid then I think you should oblige.

If you think it'd hurt her feelings to not be a BM - especially if your own daughter will be in the wedding party - I would just ask her. Honestly, I don't really see why you SHOULDN'T ask her to be a bridesmaid. Buy her a dress in your wedding color, even if it's not the same dress as the adult bridesmaids; let her wear whatever dress shoes she already owns; and then play it by ear. If she shows up, pay for her hair and include her in the wedding ceremony and photos. If not, use her bouquet on the cake table or something. Not a big deal.

gia0404 · March 2010

I guess I'll see how it plays out, I don't have to order BM dress til June. I thought about another flower girl since I won't be having a ring bearer and FG dresses & much cheaper then BM dresses but Stepdaughter is 5'5' already & still growing LOL! I'm only 5'3" so I really thought that would look silly not to mention I wouldn't be able to find a size 20 flowergirl dress. We will be telling her in Summer so I'll give an update on what she says

ecg129 · March 2010

IMO 11 is too old for Flower Girl. My Fi's little sister is 11 and she is a Jr. Bridesmaid.

AlmostLoCo · March 2010

I agree with what everyone else says - it could really hurt the long-term relationship if you don't include her in the wedding. I just want to add that I know from my niece and my friends' kids that 11-12 is a really tough age. Don't know if this is a problem for you, but if she is acting distant or bratty, that seems to be a common problem for that age group. Don't base your decision on including her in the wedding on how she is right now if she's acting up, she will grow out of it and possibly be resentful about not being included.

leah2b · March 2010

11 seems to old for a flower girl. I agree with all of the posters above - I really don't see how you could not ask her to be in the wedding. Call her a junior bridesmaid if you like.

yusi196 · March 2010

Keep in mind that the game playing that her mom and grandma have, is not one she chose to play. Kids unfortunately are used in a way to hurt the other parent(s). If it were me, I would include her in the bridal party. Yes, it's expensive but like it was mentioned before, what's another $400 or $500. The dress doesnt have to be $200+, there are ways to save. Choose a designer that's not outrageous, order dress online, etc, etc. Wouldn't you be doing this for your BM anyways? Trying to pick something that would be within their buget?

If you think FI would be upset if she were not in the wedding, then why would you go against it? What if it were the other way around?

ffbride_0813 · March 2010

Maybe you shouldnt call her or your other daughter anything in the wedding. Your older daughters job could be to walk the younger down the aisle and make sure she gets there. Both could stand up front with you. Then you could just buy 2 dresses that compliment each other and not buy a JR bridesmaids dress or a traditional flower girl dress. Just dont give them titles and instead make them walk together as your daughters.

gia0404 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_future-stepdaughter-jr-bridesmaid-helpppp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:a978b0ff-37c6-4376-9bb7-2a2359656141Post:c1110fb3-58d1-4318-a9d6-1e4cdfa96ab9">Re: Future Stepdaughter as jr bridesmaid HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you shouldnt call her or your other daughter anything in the wedding. Your older daughters job could be to walk the younger down the aisle and make sure she gets there. Both could stand up front with you. Then you could just buy 2 dresses that compliment each other and not buy a JR bridesmaids dress or a traditional flower girl dress. Just dont give them titles and instead make them walk together as your daughters.
Posted by ffbride_0813[/QUOTE]

I think I really like this..........

TuffysMommie · March 2010

I skimmed through a lot of the other responses, so I hope not to totally repeat what was already said.

I agree this is a tough situation. However, I think you need to take her feelings into account. I think in years to come, she may resent the fact that she wasn't a jr. bridesmaid and would feel left out. If you are expected to pay for her dress and things, you should be able to find a dress that is not "traditional" but still matches the look and feel of the other BM dresses. She would have been wearing a different dress anyway, so this shouldn't be too big of a deal. You might also want to try ebay to see if they have anything close to your BM's dresses.

Lolyalyssa · March 2010

You are an adult and she is a child and going to be your step daughter none the less. Of course she is in the wedding, of course you pay for the dress, of course you rise above the drama. This is a "no-brainer." You do all the proper and classy things. If her Mom or Grandma ruin it there is nothing you can do but at least you did the right thing.

You are putting your whole future relationship with her in jeopardy if you don't.

Can you imagine what her mother and grandmother will say to her behind your back if you don't include her? It would be worse then what they say if they decide not to send her to the wedding. Nothing they would love more than to put the blame on you for being "cheap" and "exclusionary".

cvl105 · March 2010

I would have her in the wedding. Honestly, I don't think it should even be a question. She can wear a different, cheaper dress if that's really the issue. And just because you have her doesn't mean you can't have another, older bridesmaid. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your reasonings for not wanting her in the wedding are very lame imo.

noonescookie · March 2010

I think you should look at this as an opportunity to build a relationship with her instead of a potential financial burden on you. Make sure she understands that the Jr. Bridesmaid position is a great honor, not an obligation (leave the forcing part up to dad), and that you really want her to be there to share this special time with you and her father. Even if she does manage to punk out and leave you out $200, it's better for her to see that you made an investment of trust in her than it would be for her to see that you give up on her at 11. It just gives her an excuse to give up on you and your future hubby, and imagine how that will shape her relationship with you, her father, and her step-sister.

Another option might be to have both daughters escort their father into the church (or even down the aisle). That might be really symbolically meaningful for her, to hand off her daddy to you. Or put her on the groom's side of the ceremony as "Daddy's Girl." Then you can just find her a dress that matches the men's suits. You could even let her hold the rings.

Future Stepdaughter as jr bridesmaid HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Future Stepdaughter as jr bridesmaid HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards