Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

Maybe I just need to vent here. Maybe vent is the wrong word. I want to scream and cry...Maybe I am just selfish. My fiances mother died in November. 5 days before my 25th birthday. I canceled my birthday. I was not up for celebrating and did not want him to have to try to muster up anything. Was the same day I was getting my dress. Sucked! With that said and done I p have been as strong as possible to help him get through this. It was sudden..unexpected and gruesome. He is now left with terrible images embedded in his head for the rest of his life. It is truly so sad. He was a mama's boy. His father is almost non-exsistant. Through the past few months we have struggled with many things including possibly adopting his 13 year old sister. I just feel like I am drowning. I have taken on ALL responsibility for the wedding. I work and am in school. It just really stinks. What use to be the happiest guy in the world is now someone who has to fight to being a normal human being today. He has lost all excitement for the wedding. He has lost all excitement for life. I know it will not always be this way but why oh why does it have to be this way now? It is really discouraging to see him not excited. I UNDERSTAND. I do....but it does not mean it is any easier on my shoulders. I swear I am doing the best that I can.I do not let him know how much it sucks....or how discouraged I am This is suppose to be the happiest time of our lives and it a complete disaster. I knwo we both DO want to get married...............just wish I knew a way to make it not such a sad thing now. I wish I had someone to vent to that didn't just throw in my face that his mother died. I KNOW. It hurts me to see him this way. Does not mean that I am not BEYOND stressed out doing everything on my own. Does anyone have good advice? Does it get better? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

Lizzieyounce · March 2013

He is grieving for his mother. Grief is stress in and of itself, and this isn't even figuring his little sister and the responsibility he must feel for her, into the mix.

I'm a full time nursing student and a homemaker. FI works all the time to keep our situation this way. I understand stress.

But there really isn't anything you can do about it other than be there for him. Everyone handles grief in their own way.

I see that you're 76 days out. Perhaps consisder postponing the wedding for a few months? It sounds like there is a lot going on in his life. Perhaps wedding planning is a stressor that he doesn't need right now.

If you've sent STD's all you would need to do is send a post card or something similar with a simple announcement. The wedding of Kyliematt has been postponed until.....insert date here. Your vendor's may work with you as well as far as deposits go..

If postponing isn't an option, then perhaps ask your mom or a close friend to help? They aren't obligated by any means, but it never hurts to ask.

LnR70707 · March 2013

Good God...it was his MOTHER. You should have put all wedding plans on hold for at least a month or so, if not postponed long term as soon as it happened. The way you make it better is by letting him have the time he needs to grieve and get his sister's life together without worrying about a wedding.

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

I am not sure why I evem write on here because alot of the responses I get are rude ones. I OFFERED to postpone it. He said absolutely not. I already did these things. Maybe I should have a put a biography about myself and how I am the only one keeping everyone together. so please......if you are going to make me feel worse...do not reply. I am already drowning here. Berespectful. I am a human being too. Also, I wrote I AM DOING IT all. I am not putting any stress on him with the wedding what so ever. I do not ask him to do a single thing. I am doing the best I can here. Lizzie- I apppreciate youre response. Just won't work :0/

Lored · March 2013

I'm so sorry for you and your fiance's loss. What a difficult time this must be. I would also suggest postponing as this is so fresh. I can only imagine he will be wishing his mother was there the entire wedding day. Just keep supporting him as best you can. This is what relationships are truly about. Being together in the worst of times. Know that it will get easier as time passes.

alannamackenzie · March 2013

I understand what you and your fiance are going through. My mother passed away in October...7 days before my birthday. I also work and go to school. There were days when it was hard for me to get out of bed. I thought about postponing the wedding, but I felt that the longer I prolonged it, the harder it would be. I also felt like it would dishonor her memory. I have had many hard moments since then involving the wedding. At our cake tasting, I had a piece of white cake that made me cry (my mom made cakes and it tasted like hers). There have been other moments when I got excited about the wedding, turned to tell my mom, and had to come back to reality.

Just know that you and your fiance aren't alone. You will have horrible moments, yes. You will have frustrations. You will have to decide what is more important in that moment: research for the paper, vow writing, or a moment to yourself and your groom. But on the actual day, everything will be beautiful, full of love, and depending on what little touches you two add...full of the memory of your fiance's mom.

I also know that some of the responses on this board can be harsh...just take everything on here with a grain of salt. Best of luck!

kerbohl · March 2013

Hang in there! It's good for you to vent and get it off your chest here. It sounds like you need to reach out to people in your life to help you out. You are expecting too much of yourself - just helping your FI get through this is a full-time job, and then throw in all the other things like worrying about his sister and your schooling. It's okay to admit to people around you, and also to your FI, that things are getting to be too much for you to handle. Just be honest with people about how you are feeling and try not to feel selfish, because it may come off sounding that way, but you are allowed to feel overwhelmed in situations like this.
Best of luck to you! I hope the light at the end of the tunnel comes quick.

lizybeff · March 2013

I'm so sorry for everything that you are going through. You are allowed to feel this way - this is too much for anyone to handle. The one thing that stands out in my mind is that you do some sort of a tribute to your fiance's mother in the ceremony or reception. Maybe you could include her favorite flower in your bouquet, or on his boutenierre. Or you could include a song that meant a lot to her. Another thing you could do is to try to foster a strong relationship between your fiance and your mother, if possible. It seems to me that both of these things may console him. Stay strong, sister. I see that we have the same wedding date.

GBCK · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-mother-diedthis-is-no-fun-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d885efbb-5578-426d-ab60-dc2f6e8486caPost:05ed60a1-2fe5-4360-9317-6b1e63716863">Re: Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not sure why I evem write on here because alot of the responses I get are rude ones. I OFFERED to postpone it. He said absolutely not. I already did these things. Maybe I should have a put a biography about myself and how I am the only one keeping everyone together. so please......if you are going to make me feel worse...do not reply. I am already drowning here. Berespectful. I am a human being too. Also, I wrote I AM DOING IT all. I am not putting any stress on him with the wedding what so ever. I do not ask him to do a single thing. I am doing the best I can here. Lizzie- I apppreciate youre response. Just won't work :0/
Posted by KylieMatt718[/QUOTE]

<div>Dude, we can only go by what you wrote.</div><div>By what you wrote?</div><div>you and yoru relationship need WAY MORE than a message board can give.</div><div>
</div><div>If either of you ahs an EAP through work (helpnet, things like that) call them. Today.</div><div>If neither of you has an EAP through work, call a family therapist and make an appointment for the 2 of you.</div><div>(and that's not 'snarky' advice. "you need professional help" isn't saying 'you're a lost cause' it's saying 'dude, this is to big for you to ask complete strangers about. A professional can help you naviage this)</div><div>
</div>

TheMrsC23 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-mother-diedthis-is-no-fun-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d885efbb-5578-426d-ab60-dc2f6e8486caPost:3433dd0f-f894-452b-9d2e-265c373ed895">Re: Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore. : Dude, we can only go by what you wrote. By what you wrote? you and yoru relationship need WAY MORE than a message board can give. If either of you ahs an EAP through work (helpnet, things like that) call them. Today. If neither of you has an EAP through work, call a family therapist and make an appointment for the 2 of you. (and that's not 'snarky' advice. "you need professional help" isn't saying 'you're a lost cause' it's saying 'dude, this is to big for you to ask complete strangers about. A professional can help you naviage this)
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

This.

"I had to cancel my birthday."

"I have taken ALL the responsibility for the wedding."

"He has lost all excitement for the wedding."

^ All of that, plus the overall tone of your post is what people are reacting to.

This dude has lost his mother and may become a surrogate father in a very short period of time. While it sounds like you care about your FI, you're coming across as being very concerned about the fact that things aren't as 'fun' as they used to be and how that's not 'fair' to you.

Please take GBCK's advice to get some help for both of you to work through this.

Dchacha413 · March 2013

Hate to say it but, you sound like brat. You taking on everything in his time of need is what you should be doing, not because you have to but because you see he is in need and you want to.

duchess23 · March 2013

I totaly understand how u must be feeling. This is your big day and the things u imagined would hapn ar not. Its not that u ar selfish or anythn, he nids get up nd b strong and look 2 the future. his got a kid nd a wife to look afta so he has 2 man up am sure thats wat his mother would have wanted. He has to leaarn 2 b strong nd du wats supzd 2 b dne wen ts supzd 2 b dne. u and his sista ar his future if nly he had an active dad in his lyf hu cld help. mayb u cld tlk 2 sme1 huz clos 2 him , so u can help him celebrate the life of his mother throw moving forward. lyk sme1 suggested incorporate the things his mum luvd into d wedn.......

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

Not the case at all I am sorry you feel that way. Again I ask that people don't make me feel any worse than I already do. You are all humans. Put yourself in someone else's shoes before responding meanly. I don't get why anyone would even want to do that. If I had the time to explain the situation in its entirety I would and you would probably feel bad saying these things but I don't. I hope you can take the time to understand and not spend you time kicking people that are already down.

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

Also, I appreciate the support that has been given. I don't have that lately which is why I resorted to "a bunch of strangers". I just was hoping someone who had already been there had advice in ways I could make it easier for him. We have been to therapy.... I had us in therapy before the wake and funeral even happens. I'm not a brat who is just thinking of myself. At all. Sorry I came off that way.

GBCK · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-mother-diedthis-is-no-fun-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d885efbb-5578-426d-ab60-dc2f6e8486caPost:24530985-9961-400c-a829-59759b67d8f6">Re:Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.</a>:
[QUOTE]Not the case at all I am sorry you feel that way. Again I ask that people don't make me feel any worse than I already do. You are all humans. Put yourself in someone else's shoes before responding meanly. I don't get why anyone would even want to do that. If I had the time to explain the situation in its entirety I would and you would probably feel bad saying these things but I don't. I hope you can take the time to understand and not spend you time kicking people that are already down.
Posted by KylieMatt718[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh FFS.</div><div>
</div><div>You need mouch uch more help than we can give you.</div><div>And if you sound like a shiney brat, that's YOUR fault, not ours.</div><div>
</div><div>With the background YOU provided, no one should feel bad for the advice given.</div><div>I hope you can take the time to understand why people responded as they did.</div>

Dchacha413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-mother-diedthis-is-no-fun-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d885efbb-5578-426d-ab60-dc2f6e8486caPost:24530985-9961-400c-a829-59759b67d8f6">Re:Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.</a>:
[QUOTE]Not the case at all I am sorry you feel that way. Again I ask that people don't make me feel any worse than I already do. You are all humans. Put yourself in someone else's shoes before responding meanly. I don't get why anyone would even want to do that. If I had the time to explain the situation in its entirety I would and you would probably feel bad saying these things but I don't. I hope you can take the time to understand and not spend you time kicking people that are already down.
Posted by KylieMatt718[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Then maybe you need to see a therapist instead of posting on a public forum. <--Not to be snotty but it sounds like you have some real issues to work out.

</div>

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

I'm not here to fight and if I came across a certain way I did not mean to. I will delete this post whenever I get to a computer because maybe I'm wrong and selfish. Thanks for you time.

NOLABridesmaid · March 2013

Ok, Kylie. I'll be nice.

I think that excitement has been replaced by grief for you FI, and that is 100% understandable. It is also understandable, that you would not have wanted to start your new life this way. Of course, you would have given anything to have his mother alive and at the wedding, but things didn't work out that way.

To answer your question, yes things do get better, but it takes time. Would your MIl want you to keep your plans for the wedding? Probably. Would she want everyone to be happy and enjoy themselves? Probably. You knew her and I didn't.

Some people don't hit the hard stuff until they have been married for 12 years and some people hit the hard stuff from the start. My point, is that there will hard times in your marriage and your life as you age. It just is, what it is. I guess what you have to ask yourself is this the man that you want to weather the hard times with. If the answer is yes, then take a deep breath, and continue with your plans.

alannamackenzie · March 2013

When you've had enough of this board Kylie, might I suggest the board at Offbeat Bride. They are way more nice.

Wzz · March 2013

i'm going to ditto therapy, because if he's unable to function (regardless of wedding planning), then he needs help and you need to learn how to cope with his grief.

i can't believe that wedding planning has continued, especially since november was just a few months ago. it's also not a complicated process to plan a wedding, so there's a lot more going on here IMO.

and you both need help. i don;t mean the hired cooprdinator type.

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

Thank you Nola! It is most certainly who I want to spend every thing in life with. Maybe I should have done a better job at my original post to explain better. Alana thank you! I totally will do that. Wish I could delete this from my phone but can't so have to wait until tonight. I appreciate your care.

FLANYTATOOGURL · March 2013

In Response to Re:Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.:[QUOTE]I totaly understand how u must be feeling. This is your big day and the things u imagined would hapn ar not. Its not that u ar selfish or anythn, he nids get up nd b strong and look 2 the future. his got a kid nd a wife to look afta so he has 2 man up am sure thats wat his mother would have wanted. He has to leaarn 2 b strong nd du wats supzd 2 b dne wen ts supzd 2 b dne. u and his sista ar his future if nly he had an active dad in his lyf hu cld help. mayb u cld tlk 2 sme1 huz clos 2 him , so u can help him celebrate the life of his mother throw moving forward. lyk sme1 suggested incorporate the things his mum luvd into d wedn....... Posted by duchess23[/QUOTE]
I weep for the future of this country!

LnR70707 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-mother-diedthis-is-no-fun-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d885efbb-5578-426d-ab60-dc2f6e8486caPost:cbbde0ed-9f90-4a7b-a2b8-fde0d8e96a2c">Re: Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.</a>:
[QUOTE]I totaly understand how u must be feeling. This is your big day and the things u imagined would hapn ar not. Its not that u ar selfish or anythn, he nids get up nd b strong and look 2 the future. his got a kid nd a wife to look afta so he has 2 man up am sure thats wat his mother would have wanted. He has to leaarn 2 b strong nd du wats supzd 2 b dne wen ts supzd 2 b dne. u and his sista ar his future if nly he had an active dad in his lyf hu cld help. mayb u cld tlk 2 sme1 huz clos 2 him , so u can help him celebrate the life of his mother throw moving forward. lyk sme1 suggested incorporate the things his mum luvd into d wedn.......
Posted by duchess23[/QUOTE]

dafuq?

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

I'm starting to wonder if some of you respond out of boredom? So I'm suppose to cancel the wedding against what he wants? A lot more going on here? Hm... First off you don't even know me or him and no there is not alot more going on here. I simply don't have a good support system at the moment and thought as human freaking beings and WOMEN I could let it out and not get bombarded with people who aren't even trying to understand that I've left stuff out or that I've done and continue to do all that one person can. Please stop responding if you're not gonna read that we already started therapy and if you're going to make me out to be a bad person. I certainly hope none of you ever have struggles in which you are treated that way. I am playing the role of wife friend confidant mother father sister for multiple people here. Cut me some freaking slack.

Wzz · March 2013

you said "he has lost all excitement for life".

so yes, there is more going on here.

yes, we DON'T know you. we can only go by what you write. and what you wrote comes off as only caring that the wedding planning has become a chore.

so most people advise to STOP planning a wedding, start working on your FI getting his joy back, and then resume planning.

i dont think anyone said you shouldn't get married. maybe you need to read what people wrote. you know, take your own advice.

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

Ayiyiyi I give up on this post. Have a good day.

Wzz · March 2013

i really want to know what you excepted as a response. seriously, all judgement aside, what would have been the correct response to the OP? because obviously no one here but you can understand. and if you disagree with everyone, then we're all wrong and won't know how to respond the next time someone comes here with the same issue.

TheMrsC23 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiances-mother-diedthis-is-no-fun-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d885efbb-5578-426d-ab60-dc2f6e8486caPost:f2f7278d-fbc4-432a-94fe-38e9cd009f88">Re:Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm starting to wonder if some of you respond out of boredom? So I'm suppose to cancel the wedding against what he wants? A lot more going on here? Hm... First off you don't even know me or him and no there is not alot more going on here. <em>I simply don't have a good support system at the moment and thought as human freaking beings and WOMEN I could let it out and not get bombarded with people who aren't even trying to understand </em>that I've left stuff out or that I've done and continue to do all that one person can. Please stop responding if you're not gonna read that we already started therapy and if you're going to make me out to be a bad person. I certainly hope none of you ever have struggles in which you are treated that way. I am playing the role of wife friend confidant mother father sister for multiple people here. Cut me some freaking slack.
Posted by KylieMatt718[/QUOTE]

So because we all have vaginas (supposedly), we're all supposed to understand, pet your head, and tell you it's going to be OK, and that you should have/deserve a pretty princess day no matter what's going on?

TheMrsC23 · March 2013

Support =/= telling someone what they want to hear.

Support sometimes comes in the form of telling you what you *need* to hear.

KylieMatt718 · March 2013

Why? Why are your posts necessary? Just don't get it. Please remember this when you need support. Again, have a good day.

Wzz · March 2013

you have to write END OF REPLIES THE END GOOD DAY in order for the thread to close for all future replies. no one here got themessage that the thread is closed and they should stop posting in here. you need to make your rules more clear for the internet.

Fiances Mother died........this is no fun anymore.

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