XP Stupid lies?

chelseamb11 · August 2011

So I feel really weird about this and I don't know how to handle it. There have been two instances in the past where I found out FI had lied to me. The first being about his sexual past (which didn't bug me because it was even less than what he claimed and it was before we really even knew eachother) and then a couple months ago about going out to lunch with some CWs (basically when I asked him why he hadn't eaten the lunch he packed, he said his boss treated the guys to lunch, but then when I was cleaning the counter I found the recept that showed he had paid for himself). He was very apologetic both times and promised he would never do it again.

But now last night I caught him in an even dumber one! I left my phone on the counter in his apartment and forgot to grab it on my way to work yesteday so it sat there all day. When I came home, I saw that all my texts had been read from the day and I asked him why he read them. He said to stop the phone from beeping every two minutes with the reminder. My phone was on silent. It most definitely wasn't beeping.

I wanted to just let it go because I don't have anything to hide in my phone and it's not a big deal but it's really bugging me so I e-mailed him about how I felt about it. Once again he apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. I told him that I don't believe him this time that he won't do it again and now he's all mad at me for not trusting him.

I know in the end I know that if I truly look him in the eye he will tell me the truth about something, especially if it's something serious or important. But all the dumb stupid lies add up in my eyes and it really makes me question the day to day mundane stuff that doesn't matter that he tells me.

Am I overreacting? (Please tell me if I am) Or am I justified? Any suggestions how to handle it?

Resa77 · August 2011

I'm so sorry

For some reason men seem to think that they're avoiding conflict and protecting you by lying about stupid little stuff. And a guy who lies about the small stuff won't necessarily lie about anything important.

FI lied about tiny things a couple times, but I really freaked out over it one time and I think I got through to him -- lying about something small makes you look suspicious! Why would you lie about something so dumb...unless you're hiding something big?? I realize that lying about something small does not definitely mean something bigger is being covered up -- but I think that's where the mind tends to go. And because of that, a tiny lie can really make it hard to trust someone.

I totally understand where you're coming from and think your feelings about it are completely normal. That being said, it doesn't mean that you can't/shouldn't trust him. I hope that you two can talk it out in person and really explain where each of you is coming from. Hopefully if he understands how upsetting it is, he will stop with the little lies. And hopefully by seeing his side, and by seeing that he really does understand how important this is to you, you will be able to get over this and trust him a million percent!

Good luck!

chelseamb11 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_xp-stupid-lies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b785a7a-ecaf-4aef-9ed0-9cdb16763210Post:9c12e8da-32ba-4b2e-89d2-3e4b86be8c17">Re: XP Stupid lies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry :( For some reason men seem to think that they're avoiding conflict and protecting you by lying about stupid little stuff. <strong>And a guy who lies about the small stuff won't necessarily lie about anything important.</strong> FI lied about tiny things a couple times, but I really freaked out over it one time and I think I got through to him -- lying about something small makes you look suspicious! Why would you lie about something so dumb...unless you're hiding something big?? I realize that lying about something small does not definitely mean something bigger is being covered up -- but I think that's where the mind tends to go. And because of that, a tiny lie can really make it hard to trust someone. I totally understand where you're coming from and think your feelings about it are completely normal. That being said, it doesn't mean that you can't/shouldn't trust him. I hope that you two can talk it out in person and really explain where each of you is coming from. Hopefully if he understands how upsetting it is, he will stop with the little lies. And hopefully by seeing his side, and by seeing that he really does understand how important this is to you, you will be able to get over this and trust him a million percent! Good luck!
Posted by Resa77[/QUOTE]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Some girl over on SB decided to tell me that he's only going through my phone because he's probably cheating on me so he's suspicious too... I was like.. um no.

ElisabethJoanne · August 2011

I agree with others who say a vice regarding truthfulness can be a small deal or a big deal. It depends on 2 factors: 1) The depth of the vice. Does he lie all the time? About all sorts of things? Just about small things?

2) Your attitude towards truthfulness. Different people feel differently about "little white lies." For some, any lie is a lie and a serious character flaw. Others take a more balancing approach. The greatest minds disagree on the issue, so which side you take isn't as important as you and your eventual husband being on the same page about it.

monkeysip · August 2011

I agree that someone who tells little lies =/= someone who tells big lies because I occasionally find myself telling really dumb lies, when I'm usually a very honest person. I never lie to people about important things, and telling the truth has gotten me into big trouble before. But sometimes little lies slip out, and it's one of those things where I've already said it, regret it in an instant, but don't want to say, "Sorry, that was a lie, what I meant was..."

A good example is once in a while if I'm on the phone with FI and I'm also on the internet looking at something... I tell him I'm not doing anything. All I'm doing is looking at Facebook or shoe stores or something, but I say I'm not on the internet.

I'm not justifying small or big lies. I think lying is always wrong, and it's definitely something you should work on with FI. But I don't think it's necessarily any sign of something bigger.

I think it's important with these little lies to let him know that he can tell you anything. You guys are getting married, and no dumb thing like him peaking at your cell phone or going out to eat with the guys is going to make you automatically break the whole thing off. But you just need to know that he's always being honest with you, because there's just no reason to lie.

chelseamb11 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_xp-stupid-lies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b785a7a-ecaf-4aef-9ed0-9cdb16763210Post:504470a5-4343-41d0-899e-8377ed0f63b8">Re: XP Stupid lies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with others who say a vice regarding truthfulness can be a small deal or a big deal. It depends on 2 factors: 1) The depth of the vice. Does he lie all the time? About all sorts of things? Just about small things? 2) Your attitude towards truthfulness. Different people feel differently about "little white lies." For some, any lie is a lie and a serious character flaw. Others take a more balancing approach. The greatest minds disagree on the issue, so which side you take isn't as important as you and your eventual husband being on the same page about it.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

It's not taht deep of a vice. He has only lied to me 3 times and they've always been about small stuff. Like I said before, I can truly look him in the eye and ask him an honest serious question and I have no doubt he will answer it truthfully. It's just the little white lies get annoying after awhile and DO make me feel like I can't trust him which is such a foreign concept to me.

Resa77 · August 2011

Yeah I read that on SB...I wouldn't jump to that conclusion AT ALL.

I also think that if he thinks you overreact and therefore lies, he needs to man up a bit and confront you on overreacting, rather than hiding and lying, you know? You're a very outspoken person, and that's wonderful. Maybe that intimidates him. But it's SUPER important that he tell you that, and learn to stand up to you, rather than justifying lying by saying that you overreact. And obviously you should take a role in working through this, and take responsibility for your part.

Hope that makes sense!

Edited for clarity

XP Stupid lies?

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