living together before we're married? (long)

kalizoomba · January 2011

My family is very traditional and strict about this - and I understand their reasonings, but I'm getting married in October, but sometime this summer (May - August) I'll be moving 6 hours away to start grad school. FI graduated from undergrad in August (he had to take a summer class.) Since I don't have a job, I'd like to move as soon as possible after undergrad ends (in may) to move 6 hours away, get a job, and get settled in. FI is taking one online class this summer - and is scared for me to move so far away by myself. He wants to move with me, so I'm not alone. I'm sort of scared myself. I know no one in this new city, and since it's so far away - I'd probably only get to come visit a few times before the wedding.

What would you think about us getting a 2 bdrm apartment before the wedding? I know it will be difficult saving ourselves for after the wedding, but I do think we can do it (with a lot prayer) My family is very traditional, but I think I could convince them it's for the better - especially if we have two bedrooms.

I'm just torn about what to do. I need to move there before August to start school - and I could go there alone - or we could get 2 seperate apartments - but honestly, I don't think we'd stay in our own apartments every night. I think it's a waste of money to have 2 places, but from the time I move there to the wedding in October will be a long 3-4 months - especially if I have to live so far away from everyone I know and love.

iamjoesgurl · January 2011

If you want to save yourself until after you are married, living together probably isn't a good idea even if you have 2 bedrooms. I can tell you that it will not be easy to stay in separate rooms - the temptation will be very great. This is a very personal decision for you but if I were you, I would consider other options that don't involve living together.

By the way, DH and I lived 7 hours apart for our entire relationship before marriage. When he visited, he stayed here and I stayed with my parents. When I visited him, I stayed with his parents. We just knew that it was the right thing to do to keep us from getting more physical than we wanted to be.

A long distance relationship is very doable. Especially if it's only for a few months.

kellya01 · January 2011

If you decide to go the "same abode but 2 bedrooms" route versus striking out into a single apartment for 3 months... know that it will be INCREDIBLY hard to keep from slipping into the physical relationship. My FI and I used to live 20 minutes apart about 3 hours from my parents and THAT was really hard... I can't imagine having him in the next bedroom over.

I personally feel like even if it means I have to have a little bit of debt for living 3 months somewhere else by myself, it is better for ME to live by myself rather than risk temptation, or worse yet, give anyone the impression that FI and I were "living together" before marriage (VERY unacceptable in my church). In fact, my parents would actually help pay for my living situation if it came up that I needed to move in with FI... they would NOT have that!! :-)

ecuchika · January 2011

I am going against the grain but...I completely understand when couples live together before marriage. Due to my financial situation I couldn't live by myself when my roommate announced he was moving to a different city. So I moved in with FI. My parents were ok with that becuase they understood. Its a personal choice that you have to make. If you are that close to the wedding and getting into grad school you might not have that much free time on your hands. Any time you get you might be reallly tired. Weigh your options. There are many people that are not going to shun you if you move in 3 months before the wedding. GL

golden1215 · January 2011

Have you ever lived alone? If not, it might be a stressful, yet insightful time for you to learn to be independent before you get married. And it's only for a few months.

sessionswedding · January 2011

I agree with ecuchika on the subject. I am a terribly practical person, and there is no way I would live alone in a city far from home where I know no one - and don't have a job, nor would I waste the money on two rent checks. I hate to say it, but I'd take my chances with temptation and move together. It makes more sense when it comes to finances and safety.

Side note, if you don't have a job, how are you going to pay rent? And if FI moves with you, won't he lose whatever job he may have? I'm confused.

GJones27 · January 2011

I advise you don't live together before marriage. You may regret it later, and you don't want to have that negative feeling with you later.

I think it's important for you to learn how to live on your own. It's tough -- I've been doing it for a long time -- but it will help you grow and become a stronger person. Financially, though... that's going to have to be something you work out. I don't know how much more money you would save with a two-bedroom apartment versus two one-bedroom apartments. If you search hard enough, you'll probably be able to find something affordable in that new city, perhaps in a group house or something. I live in a very expensive city, but I've had friends who have found great deals on Craigslist.

Good luck!

sister2groom · January 2011

I hope I don't come across as judgey, cause that's not my intention.

I wouldn't live together for two reasons 1) we are supposed to flee temptation 2) we are to avoid, when possible, appearance of wrongdoing. If you're living together the assumption will be that you're sleeping together.

If rent is an issue, you can probably sublet from someone in the summer (so you can have a roommate and keep costs down) and then move into a larger apartment that can fit the two of you in the fall. Also, if your parents are that traditional, they may be willing to help the two of you financially so you're better able to afford living separately. I know my parents would much prefer me to ask them for money than to live with with my FI.

I'm also confused about your FI's job situation. If he moves and loses his job it seems like moving in together and neither of you having a job is actually a worse option financially than living apart and one of you having a job for those few months.

Calypso1977 · January 2011

we lived together for 6 months before our wedding as we had purchased a home and couldnt afford the mortgage AND an apartment rental.

it was not ideal, but it worked. we did keep separate rooms.

the temptation was hard, but it got easier as time passed, believe it or not. we were also going through our pre-cana during this time so i think the fact that we were preparing for our sacrament helped us.

all that aside, i can understand your fear of moving to a new place alone. i relocated from vermont to boston (big difference there!) when i was 24. i did it alone, didnt know anyone, and it was scary at first, but the sense of independence i gained was so worth it. i know now that if something were to happen to my H, i could make it on my own. i think thats important for any woman. you just never know what may happen in life. i see many women of my parents generation (and even many today) that went from living iwth their parents to living with their H with no independence in between. many of them dont even know how to pay bills, fix things, run a house, etc. ive seen how paralyzed a few of them have been when theri H has been sent away for work or passed away.

kalizoomba · January 2011

Yes - I've lived alone for almost 2 years (right after high school) but then I moved back in with my parents - and have been unemployed, living in the basement for about 3 years. I desperately want to move back out, but without a job, I can't. FI now lives about an hour away and I only get to see him about once a week.

I don't have a job in the tiny town where I'm at. I'm going to move to a bigger city - where there are more jobs - and get a job. I know I don't want to move there before I have a way to pay rent, but I do have a little in savings that I could use if I need to before I get a job. I'm sure my parents and grandparents would help with rent for the first month until I got a job.

FI's job now is on his parent's farm. he doesn't make much money and he works from 7am to 10pm (sometimes later) with only one small break to eat. I don't remember how much he makes, but it's not much at all - like $3000 -$5000 a year. yes a YEAR. Basically, his parents are just taking advantage of him and he's letting them because "they're old."

I do think it would be hard at first, but I'm so terrified of accidently getting pregnant, I'm pretty sure the only "sleeping together" we'd do is just snuggling in the same bed.

Thanks for all your comments - I think I'll talk to my parents, his parents, and our preacher, and see what they say.

jenn.daniel · January 2011

I think your plan is a good one. Granted, FI and I live together. After I finished grad school, it did not make financial sense for me to get my own place in FI's city when he already had a 2-bedroom condo. It took a while for our families to get used to the idea, but they're okay with it now.

sessionswedding · January 2011

I hate to sound like a downer, but basically neither of you have jobs and you want to move 6 hours away AND get married? How will you eat? How will you afford transportation? Electricity? Running water? I think you might need to reconsider this strategy.

kalizoomba · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:1ea55f99-4b98-413f-a068-0d8c90bbc45b">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I hate to sound like a downer, but basically neither of you have jobs and you want to move 6 hours away AND get married? How will you eat? How will you afford transportation? Electricity? Running water? I think you might need to reconsider this strategy.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

<div>well, what do you suggest? our parents are paying for our wedding (at least the majority of it - besides, it'll only cost $2,000) I'm sick of living with my parents and letting his parents take advantage of him. I want to go to grad school - and the university 6 hours away is the closest that offers the degree I want. I know it sounds crazy, but I honestly don't see any other options. We could just NOT go to grad school - not fulfill our dreams, stay in this tiny town where there are no jobs (i've applied to at least on job a week for the last 3 years and still nothing) </div><div>
</div><div>I want to move out of my parents house and get married - but there are no jobs here - and if I have to move to a bigger city - it might as well be the city that has a school that offers the degree I need. FI can get his degree there too. I could move about 3 hours away to St. Louis - but that's almost too big, and doesn't offer the degree I need. </div><div>
</div><div>As crazy as it sounds, it seems easier this way - and I know God will provide for us - he always has.</div>

kellya01 · January 2011

I'll keep you in my prayers. It sounds like you have quite a few decisions ahead of you.

Having gone through a job crisis myself, and still trying to get out of it, I totally understand where you're coming from about wanting to go to a different city, more jobs, grad school, etc. God has always made a way where he has willed us to go, so just trust that God will make a way when you find the direction God wills for you to go. I agree with the statement about fleeing temptation. However, only you can make that decision, and you will know whether or not you and your FI are giving into temptation... I remember a Sunday School lesson on character one time, and our character is defined by what we do when no one is around, no matter where you live. Sometimes the hardest decision to make looks the most impossible, but once that decision is made, it's like doors are opened for you.

Feel free to vent any time you need to. This season is an emotional time for all of us, and Christian brides have it harder than the rest of the world in SOME ways, in that we are held to a higher standard on pre-marital relations, and that can make things really difficult when the world around us giving us mixed messages. Just remember to strive to be Christ-like (don't mean to presume, just figured most Christians have this as a goal), and keep running towards Jesus!!

We are here for you!!! :-)

jonigringa · January 2011

Seeing as you posted this on a Christian board, I would hope that you are seeking counsel that is biblical. Here are the verses that came to mind when I read your post:

2 Timothy 2:22
Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

1 Peter 2:11-12, 15-16
¹¹ Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. ¹² Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

¹⁵ For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. ¹⁶ Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves.

Prov. 3:5-7
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.

James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

God does not withhold guidance from those who are genuinely seeking His perfect will. You may not have the answer yet, but keeping pressing in through prayer and let God answer you in His perfect timing. :-)

kalizoomba · January 2011

thanks ladies.

Calypso1977 · January 2011

i think going where there are jobs makes sense. but id get a job FIRST then move. thats what i did.

sister2groom · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:16d41621-083e-4c10-b75c-4fc387380413">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]We could just NOT go to grad school - not fulfill our dreams, stay in this tiny town where there are no jobs
Posted by kalizoomba[/QUOTE]

I don't think anyone here was advocating for this, I'm a big believer in education, plus staying in a town long-term where there are no jobs is obviously not a good idea. The issue is what to do between May and October (or whenever you start school). There are quite a few options that all include you starting grad school in the fall. Several of them are tough, but again, only temporary. These are all the options that are physically posssible that I could think of.

1. Both of you move out there in May
2. You move out there in May and he move out after the wedding.
3. You move out in May and he moves out when he finds a job out there (but no later than after the wedding)
3. You each move out when you find jobs but you no later than when grad school starts and he no later than after the wedding.

I've already said why I don't think it's a great idea for him to move out before the wedding, but I honestly don't even see how it's financially possible to move both of you out there until at least one of your finds a job out there, unless you guys have a lot of savings. While it might suck for him not to go right away and you go for right now, it would be only temporary. Good luck!

kalizoomba · January 2011

I know - I've thought of all this - When I got my first job - it was in a town about 30 minutes away, so it was easy for me to still live at my place while driving to work - eventually, I got an apartment in that town - the problem I have now is the fact that this new city is 6 hours away. I can't commute 6 hours every day to work and back! I almost have to live there... I've never had to move (except for the town 30 minutes away) and I don't know how people usually do it. I've been looking at their newspaper online for job openings, and many of them say to fax or email a resume - I'm going to start doing that soon - hopefully I will get a job there before I move.

And I know living far away from him (or living with him before the wedding) would both be a short term thing - and I know I could do it for a few months - I might actually enjoy it for a while. I really just need to win the lottery or something.

sessionswedding · January 2011

The question that I was asking, is how do you plan to pay rent, bills, etc. if you move before you get a job?

LuluP82 · January 2011

I think beyond the temptation factor, you need to think about how you'll feel-- will living together take away some of the excitement of the wedding itself?

My H and I lived together, sort of. During the week he was on base for training but on the weekends, he came "home" to our apartment (I lived there, mostly, but he paid a lot of the bills, since I was unemployed for much of that time). I was really glad when he got orders to relocate, so that after our wedding, we could start over in a new house.

It made sense for us, financially, and our families were on board.

In your case, though, it might cause financial strain if you're both unemployed. Something to think about.

loves2shop4shoes · January 2011

Ok....I don't see the big deal of living together. To be fair, I also live with my FI and have a lot of premarital sex.

But honestly, if you and your FI are committed until waiting for marriage, it doesn't matter if you're sleeping in the same bed or 7000 miles apart. Sure, while living together there will be more "temptation" to have sex, but if you're committed and mature about it, it shouldn't be an issue. Also, if you were living together for years, I think it'd be more of an issue than 3-4 months.

And frankly, who cares what other people think about it?? This issue is between you, your FI, and God, it's not anyone else's place to judge you. To anyone who would judge you, I'd say "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone."

Good luck.

iamjoesgurl · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:a683ad54-b396-4c50-88e5-cd5491c2c134">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]To be fair, I also live with my FI and have a lot of premarital sex.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>Is this a typo? It just doesn't seem very encouraging to show that a couple could live together while waiting for marriage so I was wondering (if that is what you were trying to say).</div>

loves2shop4shoes · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:b47c555b-8fcc-48dc-b4e1-19c40852cdae">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: living together before we're married? (long) : Is this a typo? It just doesn't seem very encouraging to show that a couple could live together while waiting for marriage so I was wondering (if that is what you were trying to say).
Posted by iamjoesgurl[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha. No, this is not a typo. We didn't try to wait until marriage. We're not very religious. We were both raised Catholic, and I studied religion in college, but I'd wager that I have a rather different religious philosophy than you all do.</div><div>
</div><div>I still maintain though, that if you COMMITTED to waiting, living together wouldn't matter.</div>

GreenPepperBurger · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:a683ad54-b396-4c50-88e5-cd5491c2c134">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok....I don't see the big deal of living together. To be fair, I also live with my FI and have a lot of premarital sex.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Premarital sex is awesome. But to be fair, my boyfriend and I screw when his parents are at church. Gotta love organized religion.

kellya01 · January 2011

I believe that sex outside of the covenant of marriage is a sin. I do speak for myself only, though, so please don't put these words into the mouths of others unless they echo that same sentiment. Personally, I don't think that the posts advocating pre-marital sex come from a Biblical standpoint. We all make mistakes, and we ask forgiveness for those mistakes, but to advocate continually making that mistake, IMHO, is not a Biblical perspective. God says that we will want to turn from our sin as a follower of Jesus Christ. Satan is a huge tempter. If sex wasn't pleasurable, it wouldn't be tempting to have premarital sex. God is a magnificent creator and he gave us this gift to be shared between a husband and wife within the covenant and bond of marriage. That is how I choose to live my life. It isn't for everyone, but it is for me.

sister2groom · January 2011

I think it's kind of like being on a diet. If you leave a moist chocolate cake (or whatever else tempts you) just sitting on the counter after you've started an extremely rigorous diet would it be possible to not eat it? Sure, but wouldn't it be wiser and easier on yourself to just throw the darn cake in the trash to just not have that extra temptation? Obviously not a perfect analogy because there's nothing morally controversial about a chocolate cake, but you get the point.

I think one of the trickiest things about temptation is that often the times when we don't remove a temptation because we're convinved we'll be fine are the very times that we're most susceptible to temptation, it has to do with pride (which sadly I'm kind of an expert in).

Let me give you a stupid example: sometimes I know I should be working and not screwing around on the internet. I know I could just turn my computer off, but I don't and then I pull up a webpage "just for a sec" and don't start working again for like an hour. Other times I put my laptop in the other room, but those are usually the times I'm so focused on my work that I wouldn't notice if my laptop were right under my nose.

fpaemp2011 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:d028b58b-0125-4cfc-8a88-92bec5bc6cb7">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I believe that sex outside of the covenant of marriage is a sin. I do speak for myself only, though, so please don't put these words into the mouths of others unless they echo that same sentiment. Personally, I don't think that the posts advocating pre-marital sex come from a Biblical standpoint. We all make mistakes, and we ask forgiveness for those mistakes, but to advocate continually making that mistake, IMHO, is not a Biblical perspective. God says that we will want to turn from our sin as a follower of Jesus Christ. Satan is a huge tempter. If sex wasn't pleasurable, it wouldn't be tempting to have premarital sex. God is a magnificent creator and he gave us this gift to be shared between a husband and wife within the covenant and bond of marriage. That is how I choose to live my life. It isn't for everyone, but it is for me.
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

I agree with everything you said, Kelly. And I believe that living together before marriage is tip-toe-ing on a dangerously thin line and not following that biblical mandate to flee from temptation, as the verse jonigringa quoted says.

Calypso1977 · January 2011

OP, you dont have to drive the six hours every day for work. but you might have to drive it a few times for interviews, etc until you find something. once you find something, finding an apartment should be very easy.

heyimbren · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:56a2d651-82be-42f7-afaa-0b9fcd576592">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: living together before we're married? (long) : Haha. No, this is not a typo. We didn't try to wait until marriage. We're not very religious. We were both raised Catholic, and I studied religion in college, but I'd wager that I have a rather different religious philosophy than you all do. I still maintain though, that if you COMMITTED to waiting, living together wouldn't matter.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Shoes, I think the main point here is that living together makes that commitment harder. And for a majority of the girls who post on here, that commitment and temptation does matter and does make it difficult. I know you're just expressing a different opinion to add another perspective, but please play carefully on this board. And I mean that with all respect (I hope you know that already).

OP, what's your stance on this issue? I'm not sure if you already clearly stated that (how you feel about pre-marital sex, living together and that added temptation, etc.)

kalizoomba · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-before-were-married-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:738c7897-d0e0-4b06-8d0f-26e4358fd390Post:a683ad54-b396-4c50-88e5-cd5491c2c134">Re: living together before we're married? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok....I don't see the big deal of living together. To be fair, I also live with my FI and have a lot of premarital sex. But honestly, if you and your FI are committed until waiting for marriage, it doesn't matter if you're sleeping in the same bed or 7000 miles apart. Sure, while living together there will be more "temptation" to have sex, but if you're committed and mature about it, it shouldn't be an issue. Also, if you were living together for years, I think it'd be more of an issue than 3-4 months. And frankly, who cares what other people think about it?? <strong>This issue is between you, your FI, and God, it's not anyone else's place to judge you. To anyone who would judge you, I'd say "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.</strong>" Good luck.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>My thing is - I know what I'm doing behind closed doors. I know whether I'm sleeping with him or not. God does as well - but anyone else who sees us living together will automatically assume we're having sex. If they know we're both Christians, that could cause their walk with Christ to faulter. I never want to be a stumbling block for someone else. Our pastor believes R rated movies are a sin - and refuses to go to the cinema at all because someone might think he's going to see an R rated movie. I like his determination - as much as I find it odd. Thats why I care about what others think. </div>

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