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my sis is divorciing, im getting married

packlitepacklite
100 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
so....about 3 weeks ago, BIL told my sister than he wanted to move out, because he needed to "take care of him and focus on himself" for awhile.  Turns out, once he was out, he decided he wanted this to be a permanent move and let her know that.  Kind of expected that it would be permanent.

He also decided it would be nice and thoughful to email all of her family and friends to let them know about the separation and asking them to please reach out to my sister as this is not easy for her and she needs us now.  "Perhaps an email, phone call, or visit would be nice to cheer her up" - gee thanks for suggesting this to her siblings, parents and best friends, you jerk.

Anyway, she is bummed and really down.  She also just started a new job one month ago where soe works CRAZY hours and now this.

Well my bridal shower and bachelorette party are coming up, and while i am SUPER excited about these events, its tough going home knowing that she is down and really not up for being around all of our family and partying. 

I let her know that I completely understand if she is not up to making the bachelorette party, but that i do hope she is able to make the shower. But either way, I understand and we will have time to catch up and spend time together while I am in town for the events in a few weeks. I really would never hold it against her for missing either of the parties, ever.  My MOH are 2 of my closest friends, so sis really doesn't have any responsibilites that weekend, I am glad for that now.

I am not sure what else I can do at this point though, living so far away and also being so excited about my wedding, im trying not to talk abt it much with her though.  Really not an etiquette question or a vent, but its tough to plan for something so exciting and important to me, when someone in my life is kind dealing with the complete opposite. 

Needless to say, my parents are pretty pissed at him and his name is no longer on her invitation to our wedding.

Any other advice or suggestions on how to help a friend/sibling who is divorcing are appreciated.
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Re: my sis is divorciing, im getting married

  • mandapanda78mandapanda78
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    Interesting. Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me- my sister caught her husband cheating on her almost exactly a month before my wedding. I tried to be there for my sister as much as I could, and tried to talk to her about things other than the wedding. It's important that you understand she might not be gung ho right now about things like the bachelorette or even the shower. Sounds like you get that, so that's good. 

    There really isn't a whole lot you can "do", and I'm sure no one expects you to be any less excited about your wedding. Just try to be as understanding as possible. Good luck!
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  • baystateapplebaystateapple member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I agree with Manda -- just try to be as supportive and understanding as possible, and try not to inundate her with wedding planning, as I'm sure she's going to be sensitive to that.  Call and chat with her about stuff other than the wedding -- such as her children, etc.  And just be willing to lend an ear whenever she needs to talk.

    You sound like a good sister.  I'm sure you will figure out the best way to be there for her.  Good luck.
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  • missy68missy68
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Take her out to do something that has nothing to do with your wedding, and don't talk about anything wedding related - lunch, a movie, mani/pedi, etc.

    She needs to know people are there for her, and talking about wedding stuff right now could be bitter (or bittersweet) for her.
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  • packlitepacklite
    100 Comments
    thanks so much ladies!!! yes im going to my girlfriends for all the wedding talk and venting.  and really just making sure the times i get to speak to my sister via phone,email or ichat are focused on normal things and how she is doing.  its probably extra difficult for me since we are living overseas, so not so easy to pick up phone and call or go visit the way i would like. 

    i did send her flowers that weekend after he told her, because i wanted to give a big hug but wasnt there to do so.  our family is really coming together to support her and to also support my FI and I, im actually pretty impressed b/c we aren't the closest family, but things like this really do show everyone's strength. 

    i think we will do lunch or brunch together one day, without all the wedding madness.  We could both benefit from that I think :)

    Have a great day/evening/afternoon depending on where in the world you may be!!

    PL
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  • AllAboutTheBenjaminAllAboutTheBenjamin member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    It sounds like you're handling it really well and doing all you can do - which is great.  I kinda know where you're coming from - one of my fiance's sisters is going through a messy divorce and custody battle right now too, so it's a little tough for us as well.  Her daughter is one of our flower girls so there's no getting around having her help us with her daughter's dress and other things - I've told her before that if there's anything she needs at all, to just let us know - but she just keeps saying "All I need is your love and support."  Keep up the good work and good luck :)
    panther
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  • wadingmoosewadingmoose member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    It's awesome that you're so understanding about this for her.  Be there to listen to her when she needs to talk, try to avoid discussing your wedding with her.  Let her know about the plans and do exactly what you're doing, basically.

    You can't stop living your life because of her situation, but you can certainly be understanding - which you're doing.  Good job.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What a douchebag. How condescending can you get, e-mailing all her friends and family telling them how miserable she is...

    I'm sure she is still really happy for you, but it's good that you are kinda backing off that topic for now. A million and one topics in the world to talk about, your wedding and Chelsea Clinton's upcoming nuptials are probably not the best ice breakers right now.
    I can't think of anything else, other than what you're doing, to do for her. She probably just needs a true friend right now and a good sister to lean on. good luck!
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  • _Dagney__Dagney_ member
    100 Comments
    I'm divorced.  It was the hardest year of my life...:(
    But it was a very private kind of sadness. I was still happy for my friends and family when good things happened to them.

    Don't worry too much about your wedding plans.  It sounds like you are being considerate.  Just let her decide for herself what she is up for.  Be as supportive as you can.  She may face financial difficulty while they are processing everything.

    She probably is concerned that you are too worried about her and she probably is worried about you.  :)  

    I know I wouldn't want to take anything away from the happiest moment of my sister's life.  I'm sure she feels the same.

    She will get through it.


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