Open marriage

KatyRoseM · August 2010

A friend of mine recently got married, however she told all of her friends that it was going to be an opem marriage. Has anyone heard of this? Thoughts?

I went to the wedding, and it was fine until they swore to forsake all others, at which point I almost walked out. What would you have done? I ended up staying and assuming that they had changed their minds.

Anyway, I was just wondering if other people had heard of this type of thing, and what people thought of it.

526SadieSadie · August 2010

I guess it's not cheating if they're both going elsewhere and don't have to lie about it and sneak around, but I'm too jealous.

MarriedInAFever · August 2010

Why bother getting married? It's not for me.

KatyRoseM · August 2010

Yeah, I don't really get why they got married either, she said it was something about being commited to eachother even if they were sleeping around. Also she would only have one husband, just also BFs and GFs.

SarahPLiz · August 2010

I don't get the point of being married, except for some sort of survivorship rights.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I don't understand it. I would never want to be in that kind of situation. I just think it would be very hard for someone not to get hurt.

But no, I wouldn't have walked out. What they decide to do in with their lives is their business and I would assume that the forsaking all others was about more than just sex for them.

SarahPLiz · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:11857113-cff2-42b0-ac43-d39c172270fe">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I don't really get why they got married either, she said it was something about <strong>being commited to eachother <em>even if they were sleeping around</em></strong>. Also she would only have one husband, just also BFs and GFs.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

<div>Does not compute. Being committed to each other is mutually exclusive of sleeping around, IMHO</div>

andyandhillary · August 2010

I don't think it's a good idea for most people and it is certainly not right for me. I find it hard to believe that two people could emotionally handle it. I think it's just another example of how people don't take marriage seriously.

missy68 · August 2010

Yep, heard of it, knew someone in it. They had BF and GFs but just never used their own bed.
It creeped me out after a while.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

I can only speak from what I view marriage as- a loving, monogamous, and supportive relationship. For me, sexual monogamy is a must.

I guess that I can't judge their choices though. My point of view is very influenced by my religion and my upbringing, so I can't condemn them without understanding their perspective.

vegasgroom · August 2010

I don't judge people who have open marriages but it's not for me. Some people enjoy seeing their spouses have sex with other people, seems kind of weird to me but it's just their thing so if it makes them happy so be it. I used to know a couple that were co-workers and were in an open marriage and they had two very smart and well behaved kids who had no idea what mom and dad did on saturday nights when they went out, so that made me less judgemental of people who choose that lifestyle; I had envisioned weird orgies at their house with the kids locked in their rooms wondering what the weird sounds were.

MarriedInAFever · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:5bc3f69c-58aa-4848-a162-5641d4283c64">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open marriage : Does not compute. Being committed to each other is mutually exclusive of sleeping around, IMHO
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

EXACTLY. I don't understand this. Where is the committment? I'm committed to looking at your face forever? That's not what marriage is about.

kd.joseph · August 2010

I don't understand the concept. The only reason I can see why they would get married at all is what PP's said about survivorship rights.

But why stand in front of everyone and make take these vows, when you don't mean them. I'd be waiting on a bolt of lightening to strike one of them.

tonyscutieest09 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:99d89eaf-c844-4a16-b208-d09ee8af59a1">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I can only speak from what I view marriage as- a loving, monogamous, and supportive relationship. For me, sexual monogamy is a must. I guess that I can't judge their choices though. My point of view is very influenced by my religion and my upbringing, so I can't condemn them without understanding their perspective.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

Ditto. I don't get why people do it, but again I'm not in their shoes.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

Just to play devils advocate here, there are many other aspects to marriage other than sex. They may be promising to always be in a relationship together, whereas bfs and gfs are less permanent. They may be promising both emotional and financial support. I guess they just view the sexual part as something seperate.

KatyRoseM · August 2010

Yes marriage is not all about sex, but it is part of it. Also, I would have some trust issues in that situation, but maybe they don't.

TheCranberry · August 2010

I think a commitment between two people is whatever they decide it is. As long as they are being honest to each other and honoring whatever commitment they decided on, that's fine. However...

I have seen these situations before (open relationships and open marriages), and in each case, one person was agreeing to the open relationship to hold on to or placate the other person. So whenever I hear about this kind of thing I wonder if both people are really happy with the situation or if one person is sacrificing for the other. Obviously outsiders can't know what's in a couple's heart, but I have never seen this situation be totally healthy and with both people happy.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I don't think it's cheating, but I also don't think they should be married. Marriage to me is a commitment to one person, not one person you come home to while sleeping with others. Why even be in a relationship? Why not just sleep around and not have anyone to answer to?

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

So since we're on the topic. If you think open marriage is strange, what do you think about threesomes? Are they cheating or just good fun?

KatyRoseM · August 2010

I think threesomes are not quite cheating, if both parties (and the third) really want to do this. However, I don't think they are good for relationships either. I've never done one, I just don't get how that would not hurt the relationship. Again, this might be why I've never done it, and others might feel differently and be fine with it.

Celles · August 2010

I dated a man for several months who was in an open marriage. It was definitely not for me: I'm far too jealous to share!

That said, I'm fine with whatever happens between two (or more) consenting adults. If an open marriage works for them, then I won't judge them for it, nor will I assume that their marriage is meaningless or without a point.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I don't think threesomes are cheating. LIke with open marriages, if it's agreed upon by both parties then I don't see it as cheating. I also think there's no reason to be in a committed relationship if you're going to sleep with others, even if it's an occasional threesome.

But that also goes in the Hell No category. I'd be slapping the bitch who touched my H, and I cringe at the thought of another man touching me.

betrothed123 · August 2010

I don't judge them. The definition of marriage is somewhat subjective (just look at the debate over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry, and the reasons supporting either side of that debate).

They may not define a marriage or commitment in the same way as I do, but that doesn't make their definition wrong.

jasmineh7777 · August 2010

I'm too jealous for any of these options as well. I think that is natural though. Regardless of the agreement, I'd be thinking "What does she have this is desirable that I don't have."

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:0e545d11-db85-466a-a513-90b308cb1a21">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't judge them. The definition of marriage is somewhat subjective (just look at the debate over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry, and the reasons supporting either side of that debate). They may not define a marriage or commitment in the same way as I do, but that doesn't make their definition wrong.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

This. And what Celles said.

ohwhynot · August 2010

Ditto betrothed. I abhor cheating, but I don't think this is cheating. Couples can work out their own terms and as long as it works for both of them, it doesn't bother me in the least.

kd.joseph · August 2010

I agree that some things work fine for some couples and not for others. I just dont understand why you bother getting married.

J&K10910 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:11857113-cff2-42b0-ac43-d39c172270fe">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I don't really get why they got married either, she said it was something about being commited to eachother even if they were sleeping around. Also she would only have one husband, just also BFs and GFs.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

yeah...um, clearly they need to look up the definition of "commited"

J&K10910 · August 2010

Whatever they want to do is fine with me, for the record, but I would have raised an eyebrow at the "forsaking all others" part of the vows too.

Celles · August 2010

You can commit to a long-term relationship without committing to sexual monogamy.

ohwhynot · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_open-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:16a95b3f-0bd3-4e9d-a5ee-ba2c516b521aPost:f27e345e-94ff-4feb-9309-aaffd11e7a97">Re: Open marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that some things work fine for some couples and not for others. I just dont understand why you bother getting married.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

I guess because there's more to marriage than sexual fidelity? There's the companionship, the desire to raise children together, the desire to share your life with another person in ways that go way beyond the bedroom. The whole "soul mate" connection you feel with the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

For some people (it would never work for me), acknowledging/embracing the fact that they want some sexual kicks outside the marital bed doesn't mean that the relationship they share in other ways isn't exclusive or meaningful.

Open marriage

Re: Open marriage

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