dropping out

Calypso1977 · November 2010

which of these, as a bride, would you consider a legit excuse for dropping out of a wedding and not giving the dropper outer grief over?

1. money
2. the dress (bride wont budge on style/cut or allow reasonable accomodation)
3. stress/anxiety over the BM duties
4. stress over the time off from work/travel that will need to be done in connection with all of the AW events/parties

ohwhynot · November 2010

5. All of the above.

laurenclaire1386 · November 2010

What OWN said. I had a BM drop out and I wouldn't dream of giving her grief over it, no matter the reason.

doctabroccoli · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1630287b-8266-4748-94d2-1d7aeb125336Post:db52ddcf-b39a-4d39-8cd5-377a2c648efc">Re: dropping out</a>:
[QUOTE]5. All of the above.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I'm not gonna harass a BM if she wanted to drop out.

opalsky007 · November 2010

Uh. I tend not to give people grief about things in general. I'd think they were all legit excuses.

But I also didn't refuse to budge on dress style, give anyone duties, or have a bunch of AW parties that required travel. So I might have saved myself some trouble.

L-Bride · November 2010

I would say any excuse. If someone doesn't want to be in my wedding for any reason I would be uncomfortable having them.

mgietler76 · November 2010

I wouldn't give my friends any grief no matter what their reason for dropping out is to be honest. I wouldn't want them to feel like they were forced to stay because I was hassling them or something.

angiebear11 · November 2010

Everything, except 2

doctabroccoli · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1630287b-8266-4748-94d2-1d7aeb125336Post:9371f6ae-b944-4a47-afab-5a67d8bec2e4">Re: dropping out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: dropping out : Agreed. I'm not gonna harass a BM if she wanted to drop out.

Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

ETA: I had a BM consider dropping out because she didn't know western culture for weddings well. I didn't know she didn't know that she would typically buy the dress and help with pre-wedding parties. I felt really bad when I found out about it, and we had a nice chat.

Celles · November 2010

All of the above. It's intended to be an honor, not an obligation.

That said, if #2 or #3 are an issue, then I would hope that the bride and BM are good enough friends to be able to talk through it and come to some sort of compromise.

doctabroccoli · November 2010

And I have no idea why pushing the EDIT button just resulted in a new post.....

angiebear11 · November 2010

I should point out that I wouldn't give anyone grief over dropping out of my wedding because that's just rude, but if someone dropped out because they didn't like the dress the bride picked out I would give them the side eye.

Beachy730 · November 2010

Well, I guess its both all and none of the above. I wouldn't give a BM any grief if she had any issues, but I also wouldn't"

1. Make her spend money if she chouldn't, I'd buy the dress if I had to
2. Demand a certain dress. I let my girls pick
3. Require any BM duties
4. Tell her she had to attend any pre-wedding parties

if she still didn't want to be in it though, I wouldn't badger her. But I wouldn't let one of my closest friends drop out because of money or time without offering a solution first.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

angie, explain on #2 please??

lets say you have all BMs that are a size 2 to 6. you have one that is a 14 or 16. you select a short strapless dress. looks great on 5 of the 6 BMs. the other looks like a blimp. youd have issues if the larger gal wanted to drop out over the dress AND you werent willing to let her pick a differnt style/

ohwhynot · November 2010

Yeah, dnbeach, I guess it is kind of all and none at the same time. If the bride is the kind of bride for whom these things have become an issue, she's going to be offended if a bm drops out because of them.

calypso, do you need to drop out of a wedding?

zippityb · November 2010

6. Tix to a Motley Crue concert on the same night.

Stackeye210 · November 2010

I had a BM drop out b/c her dad had just gotten his 10th DUI and fled the country to avoid jail, so she wanted to concentrate on being there for her mom. I'd NEVER, in a million years judge her for that.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

None of the above. I would simply make sure none of those were a problem. Can't afford the dress? I'll help you. Can't afford to travel to the shower? That's fine, you don't have to. Don't like the dress? We'll keep looking until we find one everyone likes or you can pick your own or alter the neckline.

At least, that's what I did for my girls. I didn't want them to spend money on the wedding, and I felt guilty that my wedding took up their whole weekend. (Spa trip, RD, wedding day) In addition to my bachelorette weekend they planned.

Basically, if any of those were a problem for my friend, I'd hope she'd talk to me before dropping out so I could fix it. If she had a personal problem with me or was morally against my marriage, well, that's another story.

emilyinchile · November 2010

I would have an issue if it were 2 and it were purely a taste thing. You feel genuinely uncomfortable in a dress and I won't be flexible? Fine, drop out, you're in the right. You just don't care for the dress because it's not your favorite color/style? Don't be silly, wear the damn dress, and I'll wear what you want in your wedding.

And number 3, I would explain how there are no BM duties over which to stress, so if someone after that conversation still dropped out over it, I would think she was being ridiculous for putting something the wedding industry told her over what I her friend was telling her I expected (or not) of her.

angiebear11 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1630287b-8266-4748-94d2-1d7aeb125336Post:d1879e20-b407-4025-8776-4d5d7a91e766">Re: dropping out</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have an issue if it were 2 and it were purely a taste thing. You feel genuinely uncomfortable in a dress and I won't be flexible? Fine, drop out, you're in the right. <strong>You just don't care for the dress because it's not your favorite color/style? Don't be silly, wear the damn dress, and I'll wear what you want in your wedding. </strong>And number 3, I would explain how there are no BM duties over which to stress, so if someone after that conversation still dropped out over it, I would think she was being ridiculous for putting something the wedding industry told her over what I her friend was telling her I expected (or not) of her.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Yes, thank you. This is exactly how I feel and what I meant when I said "everything, except #2"

shortee426 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1630287b-8266-4748-94d2-1d7aeb125336Post:968791a1-fdc0-4582-8c2f-45d20733dd92">Re: dropping out</a>:
[QUOTE]angie, explain on #2 please??<strong> lets say you have all BMs that are a size 2 to 6. you have one that is a 14 or 16</strong>. you select a short strapless dress. looks great on 5 of the 6 BMs. the other looks like a blimp. youd have issues if the larger gal wanted to drop out over the dress AND you werent willing to let her pick a differnt style/
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

<div>I am in this situation. Most of my girls are averaged sized, but one of J's sisters is a size 24. I am trying to my hardest to make sure she looks good. I have a designer, fabric, color, etc. in mind and have told her to go try stuff on (in both that fabric and other fabrics) and to let me know what looks best on her. If I like the style she chooses I might put everyone in it, but most likely I'll just have everyone choose their own dress in the same fabric as J's sister.</div><div>In this situation, I would be upset if she dropped out because I am trying my hardest to accommodate her (even J's other sister says I'm doing too much). However, it is would be her decision and who am I to give her grief over it?</div>

stillundecided4 · November 2010

I wouldn't give a BM grief, but I would be hurt for all of the above reasons. That means a. I was being a bridezilla b. we weren't seeing eye to eye. c. the BM thought she was expected to do things she doens't have to do

I didn't give her grief, but I was very hurt when my SIL refused to be in the wedding party because too many people would be look at her on our wedding day. My DH (her brother) got some grief and a crying bridezilla over that one.

mica178 · November 2010

I woulnd't give a friend/relative grief over dropping out for any of the reasons you listed. But hopefully we would have tried to work out a way for her to stay in the WP so she wouldn't have to drop out.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

yes, there is one id really like to drop out of.... its stressing me out. i was asked out of obligation, i'm not close to the bride. its a family wedding which complicates things. i know family will give me grief if i drop out, just like they woudl have given me grief had i simply declined.

ohwhynot · November 2010

That's hard, Calypso. Are the things you listed issues for you? I think money is probably the easiest one to cite. What would you do if they offered to pay your way for stuff? As for the other things, esp. the "bm related duties," can you just opt out of those?

Calypso1977 · November 2010

yes, all but 1. i'm still annoyed at the money - we have stuff around our house wed like to do, so we have the money, id just rather spend it on stuff we need. its primarily the others.

i honestly feel like my anxiety and stess might ultimately project onto the bride. i dont want that. its tough because i really cant talk to the bride because i hardly know her and i can tell she has her "vision". i hope it all works out, its still early yet, but i'm already stressing abotu the unknown. she's dragging her feet with the planning which doesnt help. i just dont like being in weddings. i hated even planning my own.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

well, if it was a fug color or style id deal, but the dresses are too immodest for me to wear in a church (fine for others, just not for me). i asked about a shawl or bolero i got a reply of "i really want strapless". they are also short, but i can deal wtih short even though i dont look good in short dresses. while id like to look good, i'm more concerned with being appropriate and i know my standards for what is appropriate for church are different than hers.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

one would think... but everyone will make me out to be the pain in the butt for wanting somethign different.

she hasnt made any offical decisions yet, but everything ive seen so far is not going to be pleasant. hopefully we can find a compromise, but i'm so stressed thinking about it.

ohwhynot · November 2010

Yeah well, we'd flame the hell out of a bride who insisted that a bm wear a strapless dress if the bm was uncomfortable about. We'll back you up. Really, whose opinion matters more - ours or that of your friends & family? ;-)

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dropping-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1630287b-8266-4748-94d2-1d7aeb125336Post:26115c0b-7d17-464e-9961-2dbdd74f7c29">Re: dropping out</a>:
[QUOTE]well, if it was a fug color or style id deal, but the dresses are too immodest for me to wear in a church (fine for others, just not for me). i asked about a shawl or bolero i got a reply of "i really want strapless". they are also short, but i can deal wtih short even though i dont look good in short dresses. while id like to look good, i'm more concerned with being appropriate and i know my standards for what is appropriate for church are different than hers.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

If you've expressed your concerns to her about wearing a strapless dress in a church and she won't budge, I think that gives your right to drop out. You are doing it for your religious beliefs that she basically doesn't care about as much as she cares aesthetics.

dropping out

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