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South Asian Weddings

My extended fam made me unvite a 3rd Cousin


So the drama has started to get worse, my uncle in cali called my dad and made sure I didnt invite my 3rd cousin, my third cousin is more immediate family to my uncle (for example my 1st cousins are her blood cousins). This happened after i had already sent her save the date card long back, so they really put me in a bad place. I have no issues with her but they claim she is a homewrecker sits on a high horse blah blah. Why cant ppl just get along damn it! I have had no issues with her ever, whenever I visited her in NYC she made sure I slept on a bed while she crashed on couch to name a few things. I told this to my parents but they said they dont want to sabotage their relationship with my uncle (he and my dad are very close).
So I have known this for a month but in midst of all the planning stress and other things I havent gotten the guts to tell her I cant invite her. She texted me last night saying I was planning my summer- I just want to confirm that I am uninvited to your wedding. I felt so shitty I couldnt sleep all night. I responded to her by saying I can assure you it was not my decision and I was warned not to invite you otherwise someone will not come, I think she figured it out who might have done this. I told her otherwise I wouldnt have send her the save the date card in the first place. I feel like such a horrible person, would or could I ever fix my relationship with her? I told about this to FI he said maybe sometime after the wedding we can visit her, I dont think she would want to see me. She did wish me well for the wedding regardless and makes me feel even worse. She also texted saying I understand you not inviting my parents, but I should have been invited. I explained to her I was told firmly that if I do that, it would totatlly ruin my relationship with someone (my uncle), and my fam doesnt want that to happen.
sigh
Feeling so guilty, I cant express this to my parents its something they wont understand at all.

Re: My extended fam made me unvite a 3rd Cousin

  • edited December 2011
    Wow this is a really hard decision. I'm so sorry for all the problems you are having with your wedding and I honestly pray it gets better. I think you may want to see if after the wedding if you guys can meet up with her for drinks or dinner or a movie or all of the above to make up for it. Just ask her what she wants to do and see if you can arrange it. Family is so irritating sometimes and I wish you the best of luck.
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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm super sorry your parents put you in such a sh*teous situation and I hope that all this drama with your wedding slows down...I'm sending you good vibes and lots of hugs that something awesome is around the corner.
  • HinajHinaj member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry that your family is putting you in such a horrible situation.  This is your wedding, if you want to invite her, then What the H*** is their problem??  I hope you don't mind me saying that your parents/uncle should have never put you in this situation, and your uncle is being really selfish. 

    One of the reasons FI and I decided to pay for our own wedding regardless of how long it takes was because I did not wanted to give both sets of our parents control over the guest list and have this kind of drama.  As I told them, I will invite who I want to and if my cousin or uncles are not okay with it, then they don't need to be there.  This whole threat of IF so and so comes then I am not coming is just BS!!  Most of the time they are bluffing, but I am just not gonig to care.  If they are going to put up their petty issues before my happy moments, then its their loss not mine.  The people who love me and care for me will already be there. 

    I am sure your situation is not like mine and I am sorry you in this position.  I hope you can figure something out with this.   
  • Bhanu&AnujBhanu&Anuj member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    WOW...I hear ya girl...my family drama is starting as well :(

    It's unfortunate about this.... What I know is that you have to make you happy first...and then you have to make sure your immediate family is happy.

    So then it becomes a struggle...like does inviting her make you happy or does making sure your parents are happy making you happy.

    This is a HUGE conflict many indian brides go through...that is pleasing self or pleasing our parents.

    I know I didn't offer advice.... BUT maybe you can invite her for something (without telling your parents?)...not sure if that would work.

    *big hug*
    B

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_extended-fam-made-unvite-3rd-cousin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:63a493a1-7b65-46ff-b5c4-c890b64fa0b6Post:202c6c34-85fa-4e50-bdf1-7e07dec7f662">Re: My extended fam made me unvite a 3rd Cousin</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW...I hear ya girl...my family drama is starting as well :( It's unfortunate about this.... What I know is that you have to make you happy first...and then you have to make sure your immediate family is happy. So then it becomes a struggle...like does inviting her make you happy or does making sure your parents are happy making you happy. This is a HUGE conflict many indian brides go through...that is pleasing self or pleasing our parents. I know I didn't offer advice.... BUT maybe you can invite her for something (without telling your parents?)...not sure if that would work. *big hug* B
    Posted by Bhanu&Anuj[/QUOTE]
    Bhanu and Anuj-
    This was very tough for me, but no doubt in this situation I would have to please the uncle, my dad and him are inseparable, he didnt say he wouldnt come, but I am like a daughter to them and he said he wouldnt see me in that same light if I went against his wishes..:( So its emotional blackmail and all, we desis know that best dont we! And I want my uncle and his fam to be happy at this wedding they are a major and huge part of it and have been there for us, so I cant risk it sadly. But I want to fix my relationship with the 3rd cousin, I just dont know if I should try to sever it now or after the wedding (would it be too late). I was thinking of calling her but dont know if it would matter at this point.
  • edited December 2011
    Nicky -

    You're so right that we desis know how to use the emotional blackmail right where it hurts the most.

    I think though that itwould still be nice of you to call your cousin and explain the situation to her. Most of the times I've noticed that it is the children in the family that have their heads on straight and are understanding about situations like these. If nothing else, at least you will know that you reached out to her, tried to make amends for the unfortunate situation you are put in and that was all you could do about it.

    I know it's tougher than it sounds, but I do think that if you want to maintain your relationship with this cousin, it would be nice to reach out to her before the wedding and make plans for afterwards.
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  • HinajHinaj member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Nicky,

    If there is no way to change the situation, talked to her about this now before the wedding if you want to maintain the relationship.  Waiting till after the wedding might be too late. 
  • Bhanu&AnujBhanu&Anuj member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Hina & Raangoli...reach out to her....

    Ahh I hate desi style emotional blackmail (now I know I'm not the only experiencing it *sad*)
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  • edited December 2011

    I decided am going to give her a call tom, if she doesnt pick up I will just email her..I have a feeling she wont be willing to talk about it for a while, she already defriended me on fb...(thats a lil childish though) but I dont even take that to heart
  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I seriously hope I don't have to deal with this type of BS when it's my turn.

    I can see why she's hurt. Maybe she shouldn't have de-friended you, but maybe for her, it's saying how she feels without having directly to say it. Yeah, you're not at fault, but I'm sure it's still a little humiliating for her. And, for you.

    Your family really needs to quit it. It's your day. Whatever their issues are, it's none of your concern on your wedding day. If they don't want to show up, they won't be there. But, better to cut your losses than have a big fight on your big day, eh?
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