Adoption Fundraising Okay?

kateguess22 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:55a3aa36-9488-4ffd-9ac2-d22ac2945610">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : That's your perception of it. I guarantee you that not everyone feels that way. If I had a friend that wanted to adopt, I would be more than happy for them, but they should not ask for my help in paying for it. The only difference in the car vs. home scenarios are the end result. One is a car, one is a house, and one is a child. What if the friend really needs a car? Who said anything about the car being a status symbol? Maybe they need the car to get to work? Or a home because they are homeless? I think I would be much more willing to help a friend get a car or a home in those scenarios than I would to help them get a baby.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I definitely agree that you should not be asking people to help you pay for your adoption. 100%. Like I said I'm just not sure that it is a valid comparison between adopting a child and buying a car.

mkrupar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:1529d6ff-4dfe-4229-9490-8b3f6c1c80ce">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : That is a good point. I shouldn't compare buying a house to a walk-in closet either. I still hesitiate to compare adopting a human being to the purchase of anything, including a house.
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

Should we compare it to adopting a pet? Two people cannot possibly conceive a puppy or a kitten, so they want to adopt one. Do people hold fundraisers to adopt a pet? No. Even those that spend tons of money on purebred breeds. Do they need a dog? No. I'd say that's probably the closest comparison we can get to.

Maybe.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:979bf5b9-e5c5-4ca7-b4b8-e359c7b2cc7c">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : I definitely agree that you should not be asking people to help you pay for your adoption. 100%. Like I said I'm just not sure that it is a valid comparison between adopting a child and buying a car.
Posted by kateguess22[/QUOTE]

But how? No matter how you slice it, adoption is purchasing a human. Sure, there is much more involved, but still. And you have yet to be able to articulate what the difference between the car vs. home scenario.

kateguess22 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:558bfe58-912e-41b6-90fc-66ad063169c8">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : Should we compare it to adopting a pet? Two people cannot possibly conceive a puppy or a kitten, so they want to adopt one. Do people hold fundraisers to adopt a pet? No. Even those that spend tons of money on purebred breeds. Do they need a dog? No. I'd say that's probably the closest comparison we can get to. Maybe.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Personally I don't think so. I think that the closest comparison would be to compare it to someone who conceived naturally or used IVF.

Loopyseven · April 2012

Some breeders of purebred dogs put more thought and screening into who they home their puppies with than I ever would have imagined.

I wonder if adoption wasn't prohibitively expensive if there would be more "take backs" - oh this one's not working out. She only cost $1000 we'll just give her back and get another one. The people who are willing to save up the money needed to adopt (and not just have it handed to them) do it because they REALLY want a child.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

Cew, I think the difference between a home/car and a kid is that the vast majority of people expect to have to pay to raise a kid, but don't expect to have to pay to "procure" the kid in the first place. I still think a fundraiser is inappropriate, but at least there is an argument that a house or car is always going to be an expense. Raising a kid is always going to be an expense. But just getting a kid is not an expense for many, many people.

Just throwing that at there. I started the thread because I thought the fundraiser seemed incredibly rude, but I had no idea whether that was a common etiquette exception.

mkrupar · April 2012

That's an interesting thought Loopy. I would hope that people wouldn't be so heartless, but history has proven it to be the opposite unfortunately.

Megbo2012 · April 2012

Nola, it does cost money to "procure" a kid. They extra food and vitamins, new baggy clothes, and medical bills. Even if you do a home birth you are still hiring a doula or something.

NOLAbridealmost · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:ba1abca9-9399-4aed-bd7a-33ae430a6d51">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nola, it does cost money to "procure" a kid. They extra food and vitamins, new baggy clothes, and medical bills. Even if you do a home birth you are still hiring a doula or something.
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Hey, I took a shot! =) </div>

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:a5ffa178-f898-4e91-a6a0-6a303f22609d">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]Cew, I think the difference between a home/car and a kid is that the vast majority of people expect to have to pay to raise a kid, but don't expect to have to pay to "procure" the kid in the first place. I still think a fundraiser is inappropriate, but at least there is an argument that a house or car is always going to be an expense. Raising a kid is always going to be an expense. But just getting a kid is not an expense for many, many people. Just throwing that at there. I started the thread because I thought the fundraiser seemed incredibly rude, but I had no idea whether that was a common etiquette exception.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Yes, this ia good distinction, but like meg said, it does cost a lot of money just to be pregnant. Maybe not as much as adoption, but there is still significant cost associated with it.

musicalsunlight · April 2012

Damn now I'm regretting not having a fundraiser for the price of our puppy we pick up next month from the breeder. :P

mkrupar · April 2012

You're getting a new puppy MuSu? Yay! I totes would have thrown you a $10 or something for it.

kellyjellybelly · April 2012

Is there an open bar at the fundraiser? Cause I'd throw some money at any cause for an open bar.

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

I think as someone said earlier, choice is really what comes into play here. I think people need to take responsibility for their own choices and actions.

Someone doesn't need to have a child...it is a choice.

musicalsunlight · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:3d5aaadc-163a-41d4-b590-ae0f7b5b3e9b">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]You're getting a new puppy MuSu? Yay! I totes would have thrown you a $10 or something for it.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Haha yep! I talked about it last week in a night thread I think. A Chesapeake bay retriever pup. :) We want to extend Tory's life as long as possible, so if we get another pup now to hunt and make Tory more of a 'house dog', she will live longer. :)

Meegles4 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:f954a2df-8449-4402-97c1-a64cc59fa63d">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : I disagree - person A wants to adopt and didn't save up enough money so throws a fundraiser. Person B wants to get off dialysis/treat their cancer and didn't purchase adequate health insurance before they got sick so throws a fundraiser. To me, same thing - both people failed to plan for contingencies.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

I've just skimmed things, but I had to jump in on this. I had a kidney transplant 8 years ago. I was under my parents' insurance and was able to secure supplemental Medicare, so it was mostly covered. If I need another transplant someday and happen to not have insurance through my employer, spouse or other guaranteed way, and the ACA rule of covering pre-existing conditions ever failed, I would not be able to secure private insurance to cover my transplant. I would likely secure some Medicare or something but I'd have a huge gap to fill So, I don't really think its fair to lump necessary health matters in with a "not planning for contingencies" argument.

::off the soapbox::

That said, I would side eye someone who had an adoption fundraiser. I have thought about adoption due to my own medical issues and I know that if that's the route I pursue, I will "plan for contingencies" and save for it -- just as I would if I were interested in fertility treatments or other "elective" choices (the aforementioned boob job comes to mind ;) )

ccarrion77 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adoption-fundraising-okay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:50b375e1-4ac8-4b10-92a9-15598aab3c20Post:2bbfca2d-ee0e-4a4f-a19c-9759eca3ea0c">Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay? : And that's all well and good, but you would be choosing to adopt a child. Why should other people pay for a choice you are making?
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I doubt anyone would be offending if someone declined to contribute, its a personal choice what if any fundraiser other choose to contribute to. All I'm say is I'd be glad to help out a friend who wanted to adopt.

mdurkin13 · April 2014

I've never posted on a forum before; however, I felt compelled to do so after reading a few of these startling comments. For those of you who are so opposed to fundraising for adoption, I'd like to know if any of you have adopted before. It seems as though you don't quite grasp the impetus adoptive families have to fundraise.

Although I won't get into the specifics of our story, my husband and I have been preparing and hoping to adopt for 5 years and simply do not have the many thousands of dollars in cash to do so.

So, how do those of you who are opposing fundraising for adoption suggest we go about filling the void in our hearts? One of you posted that adoption is a choice...it is...however, knowing that our lives will never be complete without a child is heartbreaking.

We've looked into fostering & surrogacy as well. We just want to have a family and are doing everything in our power to complete our family. I welcome your suggestions on how to obtain up to $40,000 in cash!

AddieCake · April 2014

@mdurkin13

My husband and I are in the process of starting fertility procedures and possible adoption if it doesn't work. We would never fundraise for this. It is not appropriate to ask people to pay for things for us.

Also, this thread is 2 years old. People frown upon resurrecting zombie threads around here.

MNVegas · April 2014

@KnotPorsha this thread is from 2012

these crazy zombie threads keep getting bumped up.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

mdurkin13 said:

We've looked into fostering & surrogacy as well. We just want to have a family and are doing everything in our power to complete our family. I welcome your suggestions on how to obtain up to $40,000 in cash!

Knowing full well this is a zombie thread that this poster had no business responding to (@KnotPorscha, a lock!), but for the benefit of this poster...

You can save up your hard earned money for something you want desperately, like most people do. You can sell things you already own. You can both get second jobs, or third jobs. You can take out a loan from your bank or credit union (as an absolute last resort, knowing you will put yourselves and your future child into financial ruin if you someday can't pay the loan back). You can become a foster parent or adopt through the foster system.

However you do it, the $40,000 is no one's responsibility but YOURS.

(FTR, I speak as both an adopted child and a woman unable to carry a pregnancy. So no, I don't not get it.)

kitty8403 · April 2014

pokepoke27 said:
If they can't afford the money to adopt the child what makes them think they can afford to raise the child??

My thoughts exactly. FI and I have discussed the possibility of adoptions more than once. It would never even cross my mind to fundraise for such a thing.

ALL children are expensive, regardless of how you have them. Adoption is a choice. If you can't afford to adopt, then wait, work, or seek other channels. Because if you can't afford to bring the child home, what on earth makes you think you'll be financially prepared for the schooling, the medical bills, the groceries, and all the other new expenses to come?

kitty8403 · April 2014

LaMaFa said:
In Response to Re: Adoption Fundraising Okay?:
If they can't afford the money to adopt the child what makes them think they can afford to raise the child??
Posted by pokepoke27

I think the big difference is that when you raise a child naturally (or even through adoption) you're not having to pay literally thousands of dollars by the day of their birth. Parents undoubtedly have to buy far more than that in supplies, food, clothes, toys, etc. over the course of raising a natural born child, but would you be able to put $10,000 or more upfront? I don't personally know anyone who could do that, so I can understand how someone who wants to love and care for a child in need might need help to make that dream happen. If it were invitro, they might get assistance from their insurance, and definitely if they were pregnant naturally, but insurance doesn't help you with the costs of adopting a child. I understand why they did it, although maybe there's a better way for them to explain why they're fundraising, or disclosing what the money will be devoted to. Food for thought.

----
Edit: fell for the zombie. Dangit.

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