Bad Best Man

NBienvenu1 · June 2012

My FI's Best Man has been completley uninvolved in both their friendship and the wedding. We are getting married in 3 months and the BM has taken zero interest in the wedding planning, bachelor party planning, or any of the BM duties. They have known eachother for years and years, and he is renting our spare room. After he moved in a few months ago, he completley shut himself out of our life, not wanting to hang out with my FI or have "guy time" or anything else friends would do. He pretty much plays video games all day/night, works, and disappears for days without saying anything to us.

That being said, my FI wants to have someone else as his Best Man. He doesnt know how to go about doing that since it is probably going to be a messy situation. Our wedding is in 3 months, and he has decided to have his brother in law step up (was his other choice before he even asked). How should he go about addressing this with the current soon-to-be-EX Best Man??

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:c58a4558-948e-42b7-ad19-b8187ec1d491">Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's Best Man has been completley uninvolved in both their friendship and the wedding. We are getting married in 3 months <strong>and the BM has taken zero interest in the wedding planning, bachelor party planning, or any of the BM duties. T</strong>hey have known eachother for years and years, and he is renting our spare room. After he moved in a few months ago, he completley shut himself out of our life, not wanting to hang out with my FI or have "guy time" or anything else friends would do. He pretty much plays video games all day/night, works, and disappears for days without saying anything to us. That being said, my FI wants to have someone else as his Best Man. He doesnt know how to go about doing that since it is probably going to be a messy situation. Our wedding is in 3 months, and he has decided to have his brother in law step up (was his other choice before he even asked). How should he go about addressing this with the current soon-to-be-EX Best Man??
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

There are no Best Man duties. All those things you listed are optional, meaning he doesn't have to do them if he doesn't want to. Also, it isn't his wedding. Why would he be interested in it? Typically, girls are more into weddings than guys, and even I don't get that excited about helping plan somebody else's wedding. He doesn't need to be involved; its your job and FI's job to plan YOUR wedding--no one else's.

You can not kick this guy out of your WP unless you want to totally end the friendship. And frankly, since it sounds like his friendship with the BM is struggling, I would be a heck of a lot more concerned about restoring my friendship than what the BM could do for my wedding. You need to get your priorities in check.

TheSlowskys · June 2012

I'm afraid he can't do that without ruining the friendship w/ his friend.

Lower your expectations a little... I can't imagine any best man being involved in a wedding - other than scheduling a bachelor party. What other duties would he have besides that and a toast (and I know you can't really expect either).

Did this start happening when he moved in? Why does he live with you? I think its a bit deeper than your wedding so take a step back from it. This is your fiance's problem and if he thinks things have been weird between them he should talk to him, but that needs to be the focus of the conversation, not your wedding.

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:c58a4558-948e-42b7-ad19-b8187ec1d491">Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's Best Man has been completley uninvolved in both their friendship and the wedding. We are getting married in 3 months and the BM has taken zero interest in the wedding planning, bachelor party planning, or any of the BM duties. They have known eachother for years and years, and he is renting our spare room. After he moved in a few months ago, he completley shut himself out of our life, not wanting to hang out with my FI or have "guy time" or anything else friends would do. He pretty much plays video games all day/night, works, and disappears for days without saying anything to us. That being said, my FI wants to have someone else as his Best Man. He doesnt know how to go about doing that since it is probably going to be a messy situation. Our wedding is in 3 months, and he has decided to have his brother in law step up (was his other choice before he even asked). How should he go about addressing this with the current soon-to-be-EX Best Man??
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

Have either of you ever stopped to consider that this guy may not be able to afford to host anything? He moved into a spare room at your place instead of getting an apartment; most people would see that as a big clue that he is in a tight financial spot.

As for the "duties" of a Best Man, they begin and end at wearing the agreed upon predetermined clothing, showing up sober at the wedding venue, maybe holding the rings and smiling for the photographer. Anyone can host the B-party.

If your FI wants to end his friendship with this guy, then by all means "demote" him or kick him out but he needs to understand that this is a friendship ending move. A real friend would try to figure out what is going on with this person that he allegedly cares about and try to help.

m tulli · June 2012

I have never met a guy that would be all into planning someone's wedding with them, unless it was his own. I think your expectations are high.

As far as the Batcholor party 1. how do you know he hasn't been planning anything. He may have something in the works but nothing set in stone yet. 2. you said yourself your wedding is 3 months away. It's too early for a bachelor party. That usually happens with in a month of a wedding. 3. He may not be able to afford to host anything

He's your FI's friend it really looks poorly on him that he would kick him out of the wedding. That just isn't how you treat friends. There is nothing saying that the BIL can't plan the bachelor party just because he isn't the best man.

I just hope you guys have really thought this through because kicking him out will most likely ruin what is left of the friendship. Over what a bachelor party. I think you guys need to take a big step back and look at the bigger picture.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

It sounds like soemthing is going on with the BM? Have you bothered trying to find out what? You and your FI need to put the wedding stuff off to the side and talk to him about how he's doing. He may be going through a really rough time right now and instead of being concerned about his well being you guys want to kick him out of the wedding? This is bad idea written all over it. Find out what's going on with him before you decide to destroy the friendship over your PPD.

OBX2011 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:c58a4558-948e-42b7-ad19-b8187ec1d491">Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's Best Man has been completley uninvolved in both their friendship and the wedding. We are getting married in 3 months and the BM has taken zero interest in the wedding planning, bachelor party planning, or any of the BM duties. They have known eachother for years and years, and he is renting our spare room. After he moved in a few months ago, he completley shut himself out of our life, not wanting to hang out with my FI or have "guy time" or anything else friends would do. He pretty much plays video games all day/night, works, and disappears for days without saying anything to us. That being said, my FI wants to have someone else as his Best Man. He doesnt know how to go about doing that since it is probably going to be a messy situation. Our wedding is in 3 months, and he has decided to have his brother in law step up (was his other choice before he even asked). How should he go about addressing this with the current soon-to-be-EX Best Man??
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

So basically, since the BM hasn't been shoved up FI's butt this entire time b/c he LIVES with both of you and probably wants some of his own space, your FI wants to kick him to the curb? That's sooooo awesome!!

Understand that when guys live together, it's a lot different than girls that want to watch movies, share clothes, go shopping and do everything under the sun together. Guys need their own "man-time" and honestly, living with an engaged couple planning their wedding can wear on the nerves at times.

Maybe FI needs to ask BM out for a beer one night and talk it over. This happened with one of our GM and when my H took him out for a beer, they had a mini-breakthrough of sorts and the GM was just missing his guy time with H. It made their friendship even better b/c they could talk it out together and still have a high level of respect for one another after the fact. After re-reading that, my H and GM sound like girls, lol.

Have FI re-connect with his buddy and work through this. Hope this works out for all of you.

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

"Hey, I know that you're going through the kind of difficult times that friends are supposed to support each other through, but I watch too many movies, and you're not paying enough attention to me and being kind of a downer, so I don't want to be friends anymore."

No matter what your FI says, that's the message he's sending, so he might as well say it outright. This guy deserves to know how little you think of him and what kind of friends you are.

NBienvenu1 · June 2012

Lol... clearly the Knot community is a place for Trolls and not actual helpful advice.

How can we respect someone or expect them to be part of such a huge day for the both of us if they share no interest in our lives, let alone the wedding. Whenever the FI even attempts to DISCUSS wedding things, the BM just holes himself up in his room to play World of Warcraft. We've attempted to get him out for a tux fitting, which he has avoided. He has made no attempt at figuring out a bachelor party, let alone discussing costs. The Groom has attempted to figure out plans, and all he gets in response is "oh yeah lets talk about it later..."

As far as finances go, if he was in a difficult financial situation I probably would've mentioned it. Since you all seem so concerned about it, he is in a fine financial situation. He moved in with us because he was living with his parents to save money, and decided he would rather live with us. Let's not assume people.

OBX2011, thank you for actually having some SUPPORTIVE ADVICE.

"Maybe FI needs to ask BM out for a beer one night and talk it over. This happened with one of our GM and when my H took him out for a beer, they had a mini-breakthrough of sorts and the GM was just missing his guy time with H. It made their friendship even better b/c they could talk it out together and still have a high level of respect for one another after the fact. After re-reading that, my H and GM sound like girls, lol."

frantastic12 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:b0aa7618-bf3e-45f1-9dc7-8f25b335dfca">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol... clearly the Knot community is a place for Trolls and not actual helpful advice. Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

Clearly you're upset because you didn't get the validation you're looking for.

AdeleDazeem · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:b0aa7618-bf3e-45f1-9dc7-8f25b335dfca">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol... clearly the Knot community is a place for Trolls and not actual helpful advice. How can we respect someone or expect them to be part of such a huge day for the both of us if they share no interest in our lives, let alone the wedding. Whenever the FI even attempts to DISCUSS wedding things, the BM just holes himself up in his room to play World of Warcraft. We've attempted to get him out for a tux fitting, which he has avoided. He has made no attempt at figuring out a bachelor party, let alone discussing costs. The Groom has attempted to figure out plans, and all he gets in response is "oh yeah lets talk about it later..." As far as finances go, if he was in a difficult financial situation I probably would've mentioned it. Since you all seem so concerned about it, he is in a fine financial situation. He moved in with us because he was living with his parents to save money, and decided he would rather live with us. <strong>Let's not assume people. </strong>
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

Sometimes what you want to hear and what you need to hear are two different things.

I also think you are making a ton of assumptions about the Best Man - same as us. The only difference is that your assumptions are going to ruin a friendship. If your fiance has problems with his Best Man, it's best he talks about it with him. But, he should really let go of the "He's out of the wedding!" mentality.

NBienvenu1 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:6c8b66b7-e7b6-4021-b4e1-58168b117107">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never met a guy that would be all into planning someone's wedding with them, unless it was his own. I think your expectations are high. As far as the Batcholor party 1. how do you know he hasn't been planning anything. He may have something in the works but nothing set in stone yet. 2. you said yourself your wedding is 3 months away. It's too early for a bachelor party. That usually happens with in a month of a wedding. 3. He may not be able to afford to host anything He's your FI's friend it really looks poorly on him that he would kick him out of the wedding. That just isn't how you treat friends. There is nothing saying that the BIL can't plan the bachelor party just because he isn't the best man. I just hope you guys have really thought this through because kicking him out will most likely ruin what is left of the friendship. Over what a bachelor party. I think you guys need to take a big step back and look at the bigger picture.
Posted by m tulli[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1. We both point blank asked him if he has any ideas. 2. Its too early for the actual party, I guess, but an idea? no. 3. He is very open about his financial situation, and has never once stated he cannot afford anything--and it has also been established that it was not 100% to be paid for by him. My FI just wanted to have a guys night, whether that was playing poker at another house, grabbing some beers, playing a round of golf. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

GoodLuckBear14 · June 2012

OP - when people do something like move back in with the parents to "save money" it is generally code for "I am flat broke." Moving in with you just means he couldn't take it any more under mom and dad's roof. Unless you are keeping his books for him, you have no clue what his situationis.

Again, why don't you take the advice of every person on here and tell your FI he needs to forget about the wedding and work on the friendship.

and ftr:

Troll =/= honest people
Troll = people who purposely try to stir up drama that is made up.

NBienvenu1 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:3e8e9864-f432-441e-91d3-97942cbbaf2b">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm afraid he can't do that without ruining the friendship w/ his friend. Lower your expectations a little... I can't imagine any best man being involved in a wedding - other than scheduling a bachelor party. What other duties would he have besides that and a toast (and I know you can't really expect either). Did this start happening when he moved in? Why does he live with you? I think its a bit deeper than your wedding so take a step back from it. This is your fiance's problem and if he thinks things have been weird between them he should talk to him, but that needs to be the focus of the conversation, not your wedding.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

<div>Everything did start when he moved in. But even before he moved in, there was some uncertainty. The only "duties" we thought he should have would be helping plan a bachelor party, and a toast. </div><div>
</div><div>We lived together a few years ago, and when our lease was up, the landlord tried raising the rent. So the FI and I moved into a less expensive apartment, and the BM moved in with his family so he could save money. My FI and I had a vacant room for almost two years, and over the holidays, the BM said he wanted to move back in with us. We are charging him hardly anything for rent, as we wanted to help him continue to save his money. </div><div>
</div><div>And as far as finances go, we're doing an extremley budgeted DIY type of wedding. We have told everyone from day 1, we have no expectations for expensive parties, gifts, etc. We just wanted to have some nice memories with people who we are close to. We made it clear from the beginning that the BM (or my MoH for that matter) doesn't need to spend an absorbant amount of money (maybe some beers and a guys night or something). </div>

NBienvenu1 · June 2012

Also... since this is on the knot I thought I'd share...

http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx

As best man, you may think you're just a glorified groomsman, but guess what? You actually have special responsibilities -- you'll be a combination valet and hand-holder as you help the groom come through this nerve-racking experience with flying colors. As leader of the groom's posse, you'll: Serve as the groom's personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part). Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear, and coordinate the other groomsmen's rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen. Organize the bachelor party. Don't be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out -- most guys don't mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind -- the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash. Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you're supposed to walk down that aisle. Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride's ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don't have holes) -- you don't want to fumble around when it's time to whip it out. Corral the other guys and make sure they're performing their groomsman duties. Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor. Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom's responsibility) just after the ceremony. You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins. Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances. Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest -- and probably most frightening -- duty. Read our article about how to give a toast, and remember the cardinal rule: Mum's the word on the bachelor bacchanalia. Collect any gift envelopes guests bring to the reception. You may be asked to deposit them in the couple's bank account or at least to keep them until the couple returns from their honeymoon. Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one. Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you'll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset. The wedding will be over in the blink of an eye, so remember to enjoy yourself at the reception. After all, you're there to celebrate the happiest day of your best friend's life.

Read more: Best Man Duties in Detail - Grooms & Guys - Groomsmen http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1x8vWoYoB

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:d52d426e-1ace-456b-b719-063e79682784">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bad Best Man : Everything did start when he moved in. But even before he moved in, there was some uncertainty. <strong>The only "duties" we thought he should have would be helping plan a bachelor party, and a toast. </strong> We lived together a few years ago, and when our lease was up, the landlord tried raising the rent. So the FI and I moved into a less expensive apartment, and the BM moved in with his family so he could save money. My FI and I had a vacant room for almost two years, and over the holidays, the BM said he wanted to move back in with us. We are charging him hardly anything for rent, as we wanted to help him continue to save his money. And as far as finances go, we're doing an extremley budgeted DIY type of wedding. We have told everyone from day 1, we have no expectations for expensive parties, gifts, etc. We just wanted to have some nice memories with people who we are close to. We made it clear from the beginning that the BM (or my MoH for that matter) doesn't need to spend an absorbant amount of money (maybe some beers and a guys night or something).
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]
Anyone can do either of those, and the best man isn't required to be the one to do them. Further, both are optional, and you'll still be just as married if they don't happen at all. This still ultimtely comes down to your FI being willing to throw away a friendship because the best man isn't focusing enough on throwing your FI a party.

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:91d59aa2-ac2d-4e98-afc2-b4998579de3b">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]Also... since this is on the knot I thought I'd share... <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx</a> As best man, you may think you're just a glorified groomsman, but guess what? You actually have special responsibilities -- you'll be a combination valet and hand-holder as you help the groom come through this nerve-racking experience with flying colors. As leader of the groom's posse, you'll: Serve as the groom's personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part). Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear , and coordinate the other groomsmen's rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen. Organize the bachelor party . Don't be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out -- most guys don't mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind -- the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash. Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you're supposed to walk down that aisle. Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride's ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don't have holes) -- you don't want to fumble around when it's time to whip it out. Corral the other guys and make sure they're performing their groomsman duties . Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor. Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom's responsibility) just after the ceremony. You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins. Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances. Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest -- and probably most frightening -- duty. Read our article about how to give a toast , and remember the cardinal rule: Mum's the word on the bachelor bacchanalia. Collect any gift envelopes guests bring to the reception. You may be asked to deposit them in the couple's bank account or at least to keep them until the couple returns from their honeymoon. Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one. Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you'll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset. The wedding will be over in the blink of an eye, so remember to enjoy yourself at the reception. After all, you're there to celebrate the happiest day of your best friend's life. Read more: Best Man Duties in Detail - Grooms & Guys - Groomsmen <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1x8vWoYoB">http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1x8vWoYoB</a>
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]
Protip for life: Don't take etiquette advice from people who are just interested in taking as much money from you and yours as they can get. The Knot has precisely no interest in making sure that you still have a relationship with your friends and family beyond the wedding day. Take these lists of duties with massive heapings of salt. This may be traditionally what the best man does, but he's under no obligation to do anything but get the outfit and stand for the ceremony.

rsanna · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:d52d426e-1ace-456b-b719-063e79682784">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bad Best Man : Everything did start when he moved in. But even before he moved in, there was some uncertainty. The only "duties" we thought he should have would be helping plan a bachelor party, and a toast. We lived together a few years ago, and when our lease was up, the landlord tried raising the rent. So the FI and I moved into a less expensive apartment, and the BM moved in with his family so he could save money. My FI and I had a vacant room for almost two years, and over the holidays, the BM said he wanted to move back in with us. We are charging him hardly anything for rent, as we wanted to help him continue to save his money. And as far as finances go, we're doing an extremley budgeted DIY type of wedding. We have told everyone from day 1, we have no expectations for expensive parties, gifts, etc. We just wanted to have some nice memories with people who we are close to. We made it clear from the beginning that the BM (or my MoH for that matter) doesn't need to spend an absorbant amount of money (maybe some beers and a guys night or something).
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

But OP, you are still expecting things that you shouldn't be expecting. If you want nice memories with people who you are close to, why does it have to be wedding related? Just go out and have a good time.

Also, what is the guy saving his money for? Because no matter how you kept phrasing that he is fine financially but living with you, that still signals to me that he isn't the best off financially. Maybe he just super frugal; I don't know. But it doesn't sound like you do either.

I would recommend the PPs advice. Forget about the wedding and just be his friend. Friendship is greater than a wedding.

OBX2011 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:b0aa7618-bf3e-45f1-9dc7-8f25b335dfca">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Lol... clearly the Knot community is a place for Trolls and not actual helpful advice.</strong> How can we respect someone or expect them to be part of such a huge day for the both of us if they share no interest in our lives, let alone the wedding. Whenever the FI even attempts to DISCUSS wedding things, the BM just holes himself up in his room to play World of Warcraft. We've attempted to get him out for a tux fitting, which he has avoided. He has made no attempt at figuring out a bachelor party, let alone discussing costs. The Groom has attempted to figure out plans, and all he gets in response is "oh yeah lets talk about it later..." As far as finances go, if he was in a difficult financial situation I probably would've mentioned it. Since you all seem so concerned about it, he is in a fine financial situation. He moved in with us because he was living with his parents to save money, and decided he would rather live with us. Let's not assume people. OBX2011, thank you for actually having some SUPPORTIVE ADVICE. " Maybe FI needs to ask BM out for a beer one night and talk it over. This happened with one of our GM and when my H took him out for a beer, they had a mini-breakthrough of sorts and the GM was just missing his guy time with H. It made their friendship even better b/c they could talk it out together and still have a high level of respect for one another after the fact. After re-reading that, my H and GM sound like girls, lol."
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

You're welcome for the advice, but be cautious with your words. Most of us have been here for quite some time and have heard this same story over and over again. PP's were not being rude/mean/judgmental, etc. They were being honest. They were correct that it's a friendship ending move and that FI needs to buck-up and handle this.

The B party is absolutely NONE of your concern. Leave that up to the BM to handle....you don't know that it's not being planned or that he is just throwing off FI b/c there is a special surprise or something.

Seriously though, don't kick out the GM b/c he has been acting flaky lately. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture here: do you really want your FI to end a friendship over a <em>wedding????</em> If the GM hasn't tried to kill you or sleep with you, then there is no reason to kick him out.

Tell FI to get on the phone and take GM out for a beer or something.....just figure this out and do it asap.

OBX2011 · June 2012

I also wanted to add that you are probably stressed over wedding planning (we have allllll been there before), so this may be taking more of a center stage than it normally would, seeing as how this frustration is b/c of the wedding in the first place.

My GM didn't have their outfits together until 6 weeks before the wedding. They knew the date and knew what they had to wear. I KNEW that they were grown men and could handle this themselves. It was real simple: show up on this date wearing this outfit and we will party the night away...and we did! Some of my guys were buying their shoes the week of my wedding....and guess what? I could've cared less. Why? B/c they knew what they needed to do and they did it. Plain. and. simple.

Take a step back, have some wine and relax. It's not the end of the world and I am most confident that FI will handle the situation.

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:11b25a02-7312-448c-85f1-378017a64056">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]I also wanted to add that you are probably stressed over wedding planning (we have allllll been there before), so this may be taking more of a center stage than it normally would, seeing as how this frustration is b/c of the wedding in the first place. <strong>My GM didn't have their outfits together until 6 weeks before the wedding. They knew the date and knew what they had to wear. I KNEW that they were grown men and could handle this themselves. It was real simple: show up on this date wearing this outfit and we will party the night away...and we did! Some of my guys were buying their shoes the week of my wedding....and guess what? I could've cared less. Why? B/c they knew what they needed to do and they did it. </strong>Plain. and. simple. Take a step back, have some wine and relax. It's not the end of the world and I am most confident that FI will handle the situation.
Posted by OBX2011[/QUOTE]
Ditto this. I couldn't possibly tell you when our guys ordered their tuxes or got measured, because I wasn't micromanaging everything. They had them on the wedding day, and that was all that mattered.

Our best man also disappered for a whole four months shortly before the wedding. Just off the grid, couldn't get hold of him by any means. DH waited it out and just kept trying, and eventually he called back and things got back to normal. DH was definitely hurt by it, but didn't make it a big deal and didn't make it about the wedding, so it didn't end up having any sort of long-term impact on their relationship.

Part of the reason the people on this board give the advice that we do is that we've been there, sometimes through exactly the same circumstances, and this is the advice that worked for us.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

Yes because taking tips from a WEDDING website(like that list from TK) looking to make money off your wedding is probably the best place to get advice. Or not. I don't care what the wedding industry says. They're looking to make a buck; they don't care about those nearest and dearest to you. Once your wedding is over, they're done with you. If you've alienated and pissed off your closest friends following their advice, they don't really care.

You are assuming a lot about BMs financial situation. Do you think people who aren't doing well financially openly talk about that? Many times not. If I was struggling, I wouldn't be broadcasting that. If you want to make assumptions, the logical one is to assume he IS hurting financially. I have never known someone to move back in with their folks as an adult unless it was because of money concerns. When you moved out of your old place, he could have very easily gotten his own place, but he did not. Regardless, you are just as bad making assumptions as you claim we are. Pot, meet kettle.

Here's the bottom line: If your FI wants to go out and have beers with the guys, why can't he? He doesn't need the label of "bachelor party" to do this. Just tell him to call up his guy friends and go out for a guys' night. It doesn't have to be wedding-related or planned by the best man. You are really making a mountain out of a mole hill. And no matter what you do, kicking out the BM because he hasn't planned a party or wanted to help plan your wedding is crappy to put it lightly. If you did that, I wouldn't even want to be friends with you, so I guess your problem would be solved.

pkontk · June 2012

Take a few breaths and chill out. You'll feel better.

1) You shouldn't be involved, this is an issue between your FI and his friend.
2) He does not need to plan a bachelor party. Read that. Read it again. Its nice if he does, yes, but it isn't his 'job'.
3) Just because he hasn't mentioned financial issues doesn't mean they aren't there. I'd be embarassed to tell someone I had trouble finding money for a pre-wedding party too.

CAN you kick him out? Sure. But expect your FI to come off as a groom-zilla, and lose a friend in the process.

Simply Fated · June 2012

Let your FI know that having two best men isn't that uncommon. This way, no one gets kicked out and he gets to honor two important people. Regardless if you agree with that list of duties, NOTHING on that list takes 3 months to do. Just because he doesn't give a sh!t about your wedding, doesn't mean he doesn't give a sh!t about you. So don't assume that just because he doesn't want to discuss the wedding it must mean he doesn't care about other things going on in your life. This is not a friendship ender, IMO.

mbcdefg · June 2012

In Response to Re:Bad Best Man:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bad Best Man:

The only "duties" we thought he should have would be helping plan a bachelor party, and a toast. Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

You don't get to decide that this guy should throw your FI a party.

Your FI needs to sit down with this guy and ask if there's something wrong. But not from the standpoint of, "You're not doing enough for my wedding/not planning to throw me a party and I'm pissed." Your FI shouldn't even mention the wedding at all because that's not the issue here.

He also shouldn't ask a replacement Best Man.

mcskatcat · June 2012

In all seriousness, we had bought tuxedos, only for them to be shipped too late and had to go to Men's Wearhouse with a few short weeks notice. Three months is God's plenty of time to take care of that.

Everyone on here is saying the exact same thing. It's one of those situations where maybe the world's not against you, maybe you're just plain wrong. He isn't required to take an interest in the wedding nor to plan the party. And maybe he's so tuned out about it all because it sounds like you and your FI keep ramming it down his throat.

And if someone avoids you to play video games, yes, that's a sign of how things are going, whether you want to read into it or not.

mbcdefg · June 2012

Also, true friends don't spontaneously decide to start avoiding you. So there's one of three reasons for this: 1 He's always acted this way, and you're just noticing it now. In which case, you can't expect him to act any differently just because you happen to be getting married. People won't, and shouldn't have to, change just because you're getting married. 2 Something big has happened in his life that's causing him to withdraw, and he didn't tell you about it. You need to be a good friend here and either ask him what's wrong and how you can help, or respectfully give him his space. 3 You and/or your FI have done something to piss him off. It may have something to do with your living arrangements, or may have something to do with what you're asking him to do for your wedding like throwing a bachelor party ... like I said, it's extremely rude to ask someone to throw you a party. Again, to be a good friend, you need to sit him down and ask him what's wrong and ask if there's any way you can help. The answer here is not to kick him out. Your fianc needs to talk to him as a friend and see what's wrong. Not just get mad that he's not doing anything for your wedding and boot him out. That's not the issue here. The real issue is that something happened to cause his best friend to withdraw.

lstruggles · June 2012

Ok, tell your FI to go knock on the guys door while you are all home and say "HEY, Fiancee is going out with her girls tonight. Wanna go grab a couple beers?" DONE.

Tell your FI - no wedding talk, just guy talk. If the wedding comes up - great - but keep it minimal as it is 3 months away.

amymaysa · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-best-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3eafcb65-c4fe-4f58-ac34-ea5096a0f679Post:91d59aa2-ac2d-4e98-afc2-b4998579de3b">Re: Bad Best Man</a>:
[QUOTE]Also... since this is on the knot I thought I'd share... <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx</a> As best man, you may think you're just a glorified groomsman, but guess what? You actually have special responsibilities -- you'll be a combination valet and hand-holder as you help the groom come through this nerve-racking experience with flying colors. As leader of the groom's posse, you'll: Serve as the groom's personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part). Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear , and coordinate the other groomsmen's rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen. Organize the bachelor party . Don't be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out -- most guys don't mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind -- the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash. Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you're supposed to walk down that aisle. Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride's ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don't have holes) -- you don't want to fumble around when it's time to whip it out. Corral the other guys and make sure they're performing their groomsman duties . Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor. Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom's responsibility) just after the ceremony. You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins. Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances. Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest -- and probably most frightening -- duty. Read our article about how to give a toast , and remember the cardinal rule: Mum's the word on the bachelor bacchanalia. Collect any gift envelopes guests bring to the reception. You may be asked to deposit them in the couple's bank account or at least to keep them until the couple returns from their honeymoon. Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one. Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you'll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset. The wedding will be over in the blink of an eye, so remember to enjoy yourself at the reception. After all, you're there to celebrate the happiest day of your best friend's life. Read more: Best Man Duties in Detail - Grooms & Guys - Groomsmen <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1x8vWoYoB">http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/best-man-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1x8vWoYoB</a>
Posted by NBienvenu1[/QUOTE]

Just b/c it's an article from the knot doesn't make it wise or correct advice.

Contrary to what some may think, no one has to throw any kind of party (bachelor or bachelorette party, shower, etc) or give a toast.

It sounds like this guy is possibly going through a tough time and maybe your FI or you should see if yo ucan get him to talk about it. Be his friend.

Viczaesar · June 2012

Micromanagers suck.

mbrischoux · June 2012

I feel for your fiance. I really do. My husband went through this and while he claimed it didn't bother him, I know that the slow end to his friendship with the guy he was going to ask to be his best man was hard on him.

It's really all in your fiance's hands. Just be there to support him if there is any fallout.

Bad Best Man

Re: Bad Best Man

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