Trying to help the bride

klastman · May 2012

Hi, I'm Kim, I'm the MOH in my friends wedding, and I'm trying to keep her from COMPLETELY embarassing herself.

First of all, her wedding is next July and she HASN'T started doing ANYTHING yet. She ONLY set the date and got a GENERAL budget. She wouldn't even make me MOH until the OTHER DAY because I FINALLY convinced her she needed to. I'm pretty sure she STILL hasn't even picked out anyone else, EVEN THOUGH I suggested some girls for her. I also FINALLY got her to THINK about some BM dresses with me, but she said she is probably JUST GOING TO PICK OUT A COLOR with us WHEn she decides on the whole party and JUST LET US ALL PICK OUT OUR OWN DRESS. NOW the burden falls on ME to get them all together to decide on ONE dress so her WEDDING doesn't look STUPID.

I KEEP TRYING to help her PLAN and get organized, but she JUST KEEPS SAYING "it's really not necessary", "I have plenty of time", "you really don't have to do anything but show up in the dress"

She has ALWAYS been like this since we were LITTLE, and usually even when I THINK I do get her on TRACK, I find out later that she WASN'T EVEN LISTENING to me the WHOLE TIME.

So, my question is, how do I come at her about GETTING HER WEDDING TOGETHER??? I'm just TRYING to be a good friend and I DON'T want her to bust her face at her wedding.

arrestclementine · May 2012

Woah calm down. It's not your wedding... Maybe she just doesn't care? Maybe she was just going to elope? ....

ETA: Really all a bridesmaid is supposed to do is buy the dress, and show up in it on the wedding day, sober.

MattsPenguin · May 2012

If she doesn't plan it, she can't complain when it doesn't come together. It's her responsibility. Focus on your own life.

MNVegas · May 2012

BACK OFF! It is your friend's wedding not yours. If she wants your help she will ask you. Until then get a grip and stop bugging her!

GroomNeedsAdvice · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:ff47cad8-31bf-413e-a062-5a94f1e8a310">Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my question is, how do I come at her about GETTING HER WEDDING TOGETHER??? I'm just TRYING to be a good friend and<strong> I DON'T want her to bust her face at her wedding.</strong>
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

<div>Shorter heels?</div>

myname1234 · May 2012

is this jessieandharry again? you have a screaming troll vibe along with that purple font.

Meegles4 · May 2012

Next July as in 2013?! She's got plenty of time. Back off. I got engaged in April and got married the following April and actually felt that was too much time. And I had a decent sized wedding. She's probably just trying to enjoy being engaged for a bit. She's also probably laid-back and doesn't see a need for all the fuss. Which, there really isn't a need for all the fuss. Wedding planning isn't rocket science.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · May 2012

Well, it is her wedding. She does have plenty of time. Quit trying to control everything, her wedding has everything to do with how she wants to plan it and nothing to do with you.

Ali092011 · May 2012

Do you really mean next July or are you saying the wedding is two months from now? Either way, it's not your wedding and therefore not your problem. As you are not her wedding planner, you do not have any responsibility to make sure things are done.

Fluffernut · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:07451e36-2637-4913-b43b-f24b52e3df54">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]is this jessieandharry again? you have a screaming troll vibe along with that purple font.
Posted by myname1234[/QUOTE]

Yes, this.

klastman · May 2012

Oops, Sorry about the purple font! For some reason the normal font wasn't showing up right on my computer and I changed it so I could see what I was typing, but I forgot to change it back.

Yes, July 2013.

lyndausvi · May 2012

Some people just are not planners, you just need to get over it. It will all work out in the end.

brandichamberlain · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:ff47cad8-31bf-413e-a062-5a94f1e8a310">Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE] She wouldn't even make me MOH until the OTHER DAY because I FINALLY convinced her she needed to.Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

Did you vote yourself to be MOH?

brilibby4 · May 2012

She has plenty of time. My bridesmaids bought their dresses about 6 months out, and I hadn't asked any of them to be in my wedding until a little before then. This is her wedding and it isn't your job to force her into planning it your way. Back off.

lyndausvi · May 2012

You are worried about a wedding in JULY of 2013?

please tell me this is a joke

MrsKathyC · May 2012

She has plenty of time, back off and leave her alone.

LDYGTR13 · May 2012

I'm calling MUD.

amys325 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:38596cbd-13c7-4917-83ed-bca49428ecb1">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Oops, Sorry about the purple font! For some reason the normal font wasn't showing up right on my computer and I changed it so I could see what I was typing, but I forgot to change it back. Yes, July 2013.
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

That's over a year away. She has more than enough time. I planned my wedding in less than a year. I could have done it in 6 months.

BMs don't need to be picked for at least a few months, dresses don't have to match at all (and it won't look STUPID) and you just need to back off and let her plan her wedding.

Seriously. Back away from the Bride.

lyndausvi · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:8f738da2-0a29-402d-a036-7373cd56aa42">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm calling MUD.
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

<div>ditto</div>

klastman · May 2012

Umm, July is BARELY over a year away. If she wants to get married ANYWHERE good or book ANY good vendors, she MIGHT want to start booking NOW.

I'm trying to HELP and telling me to BACK OFF seems a little HARSH, don't you think?

Emilieclaire · May 2012

I got engaged about 6 weeks ago.... Wedding Sept. 2012. For me, that's plenty of time I'm pretty much done. She might be the same way just not a fussy bride. Let her do things on her timeline and if she seems or tells you that she's losing control of the thing, then you can step in.

may25bride2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:ee84855c-0e9f-4948-8192-b151829bee86">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You are worried about a wedding in JULY of 2013? please tell me this is a joke
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>ditto.</div><div>
</div><div>She really shouldn't be picking any of that stuff yet anyways. Especially dresses. Do you realize how much stuff can change in a year? </div><div>
</div><div>Also, lay off the caps. The stressing of words gets lost when every other word is in caps lock.</div>

brandichamberlain · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:9d41e571-e70c-49f1-8089-9a258c0b78ac">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Umm, July is BARELY over a year away. If she wants to get married ANYWHERE good or book ANY good vendors, she MIGHT want to start booking NOW. I'm trying to HELP and telling me to BACK OFF seems a little HARSH, don't you think?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

It isn't harsh. It isn't your wedding. We are getting married in July and started planning in October and we're doing just fine.

MrsKathyC · May 2012

How about just letting her know "I'm here if you need any help". And then just leave it be!

myname1234 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:9d41e571-e70c-49f1-8089-9a258c0b78ac">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Umm, July is BARELY over a year away. If she wants to get married ANYWHERE good or book ANY good vendors, she MIGHT want to start booking NOW. I'm trying to HELP and telling me to BACK OFF seems a little HARSH, don't you think?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

Is there such a thing as a Bridesmaidzilla? I think we have a nominee here.

Harsh...no. It's not your wedding!! Helping =/= taking over and pretending you're the pretty pretty princess for the day

ETA: typo

amys325 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:9d41e571-e70c-49f1-8089-9a258c0b78ac">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Umm, July is BARELY over a year away. If she wants to get married ANYWHERE good or book ANY good vendors, she MIGHT want to start booking NOW. I'm trying to HELP and telling me to BACK OFF seems a little HARSH, don't you think?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

You seem a little HARSH telling the bride that she has to pick her MOH and she has to do stuff.

I'll say it again. Back off the bride. She'll get the planning done on her own time.

LeiselEB · May 2012

PLEASE STOP randomly CAPITALIZING your words. It's difficult to read when you type that way.

Your friend does have time to get things done. I booked a lot of venues 18 months ahead of time, but really could have waited. It's fine. Calm down. Perhaps she's working on it herself and just doesn't feel like telling you every single detail because she's afraid you'll continue to hound her and judge her about it?

Go to a few wedding blogs and you'll see that plenty of weddings feature bridesmaids in different dresses and they look lovely. This is not your wedding. You shouldn't be making any decisions for the bride, you shouldn't be picking out her bridesmaids, and you shouldn't have made yourself maid of honor because she didn't do it fast enough. Just simmer down, seriously.

lyndausvi · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:9d41e571-e70c-49f1-8089-9a258c0b78ac">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Umm, July is BARELY over a year away. If she wants to get married ANYWHERE good or book ANY good vendors, she MIGHT want to start booking NOW. I'm trying to HELP and telling me to BACK OFF seems a little HARSH, don't you think?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

<div>I've attended more weddings with engagements less than 9 months than weddings with engagements over a year.</div>

StephBeanWed61502 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:9d41e571-e70c-49f1-8089-9a258c0b78ac">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Umm, July is BARELY over a year away. If she wants to get married ANYWHERE good or book ANY good vendors, she MIGHT want to start booking NOW. I'm trying to HELP and telling me to BACK OFF seems a little HARSH, don't you think?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

First of all, you're wrong - there's no need to book vendors 14 months out, at least in most areas. Second of all, even if you're <em>not</em> wrong, and she does wait too long, what's the worst that happens? She doesn't get her first-choice vendors? She has to change the date? There is absolutely nothing about any of those outcomes that (a) is a big deal or (b) has one iota of anything to do with you. Seriously, chill out. THIS IS NOT YOUR WEDDING.

miranda1211 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:a092d74b-3933-409b-8bab-31d9d1ce1c9b">Re: Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]How about just letting her know "I'm here if you need any help". And then just leave it be!
Posted by MrsKathyC[/QUOTE]

This!

Some people just don't want to plan or nit-pick over every detail. One of my bridesmaid's kept emailing me to ask if I had picked out flowers yet - no, because they weren't that important to me. When it came time, I gave the florist some general ideas of what I like, and then told her that I trusted her judgment. They came out great! Same thing with food, decorations, etc.

She may want a more simple, less stressful wedding experience. I think the best thing you can do is let her move at her own pace.

Viczaesar · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-help-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5244631-26f2-4410-b3de-a770c4510d9fPost:ff47cad8-31bf-413e-a062-5a94f1e8a310">Trying to help the bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I'm Kim, I'm the MOH in my friends wedding, and I'm trying to keep her from COMPLETELY embarassing herself. First of all, her wedding is next July and she HASN'T started doing ANYTHING yet. She ONLY set the date and got a GENERAL budget. She wouldn't even make me MOH until the OTHER DAY because I FINALLY convinced her she needed to. I'm pretty sure she STILL hasn't even picked out anyone else, EVEN THOUGH I suggested some girls for her. I also FINALLY got her to THINK about some BM dresses with me, but she said she is probably JUST GOING TO PICK OUT A COLOR with us WHEn she decides on the whole party and JUST LET US ALL PICK OUT OUR OWN DRESS. NOW the burden falls on ME to get them all together to decide on ONE dress so her WEDDING doesn't look STUPID. I KEEP TRYING to help her PLAN and get organized, but she JUST KEEPS SAYING "it's really not necessary" , " I have plenty of time ", "you really don't have to do anything but show up in the dress" She has ALWAYS been like this since we were LITTLE, and usually even when I THINK I do get her on TRACK, I find out later that she WASN'T EVEN LISTENING to me the WHOLE TIME. So, my question is, how do I come at her about GETTING HER WEDDING TOGETHER??? I'm just TRYING to be a good friend and I DON'T want her to bust her face at her wedding.
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]
1. Get a grip and back the hell off. Also, stop yelling at us. It's HER wedding, not yours. Her timeline is hers to figure out. Her decisions are hers to make. You're being pushy and overstepping her boundaries.
2. You don't get to decide that your friend's choice of wedding party dress is stupid, nor do you get to railroad the other bridesmaids into doing what YOU think looks right, i.e. wear the same dress. It's none of your business what the rest of the WP chooses to wear. Just focus on picking out your own dress within the guidelines given - but not until next year! You're seriously out of line for thinking that you either need to or get to step in and "fix" your friend's decision to have her wedding party get whatever dress they want in the selected color.
3. Don't bring up the wedding again until she does.

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